Lola Falana vs. Mitzi Gaynor (1966) by JackFac

The Aircraft Carrier USS Forrestal is making it's way back into its home port of San Diego, California. The large vessel has aboard as passengers the traveling USO troupe headed by Bob Hope which has been visiting Viet Nam. During the voyage, a well-publicized boxing match took place in which Lola Falana knocked out gorgeous Joey Heatherton in grand style. The rest of that trip saw Joey's wounded pride healing along with her swollen eyes and throbbing jaw as Lola assumed the role of 'glamour gal' for the rest of the cruise.

Word of that bout had gotten back to the States. The original story ran in 'Stars and Stripes' the Armed Forces newspaper, but it was quickly picked up by the 'mainstream media' and caused a sensation all around the country. Accompanying the article of that bout was an unforgettable photo of the instant Lola's left hook slammed hard into Joey's jaw. The next sequence of pictures showed Joey's long, gorgeous legs buckling as she crumpled to the canvas in complete and utter defeat. The publicity made Lola's name a household word at a time when the civil right movement was gaining traction. The fact that a Black woman had so completely dominated a beautiful white girl rankled many, and gave hope to many more!

But in Hollywood, another, bigger, storm was brewing! Mitzi Gaynor, who had been away from the celebrity boxing wars for several years - years spent concentrating on a 'wrestling career,' still considered herself THE celebrity boxing champ among Hollywood actresses. And while she fully supported the 'equality of all races' movement, she still did NOT appreciate the attention Lola was getting as a result of her victory. Not one bit! Gaynor was already an established star, although 35 years old, while Lola Falana was a 'mere pup', a girl barely 24. Lola had already done in one dancer and now it appeared another was ready to challenge her!

Sure enough, as the USO troupe filed off the ship, Gaynor was there to meet them. She accosted Falana in front of the newsreel cameras and issued her challenge, knowing it would get her a lot of badly needed publicity at a time when her film career had ground to a halt and she was living mainly on her earnings from Las Vegas shows plus a nice income doing her 'underground' wrestling shows against other actresses, showgirls and even a few carefully chosen pros.

"Congratulations, Lola," Mitzi purred, looking not at Falana but straight into the news cameras. "That was certainly a lucky win you got. I bet you think you're hot stuff and pretty tough right now, don't you?"

"Now that you mention it," Lola came back, gently elbowing Mitzi aside to put her own face 'in frame'. "Yeah, I AM hot, as you all can see," she added, slowly turning to give the ogling lensman a good look at her fine figure. But then, I'm pretty damned good with my fists, too. And if you all don't believe me, you can ask this loser coming down the gangplank behind me."

Mitzi looked up and saw Joey Heatherton huffing and puffing as dragged two large, heavy, canvas bags down the gangplank. Lola's name was stenciled on the bags and Mitzi realized that the beaten blonde was being forced to serve as Lola's slave since her loss. Mitzi tried to greet Joey, but she wasn't in a friendly frame of mind and ignored the famous star.

"You know you disgraced all of us when you lost to this clown," Mitzi complained, not realizing how her use of the word "us" (referring to left handers) would be twisted and misunderstood. "You've got to beat her in the rematch. You DO know that, don't you?"

"No!" Joey said defensively. "I know no such thing. Lola beat me fair and square; I admit she's a better fighter. And I have no interest in facing her in the ring again!"

"You're just afraid of her!" screamed Mitzi. "If you won't ask for a rematch, somebody else will have to take care of her…ME!"

"Well why not!" grinned Lola. "C'mon old timer, let's climb back on board ship," she suggested, reaching for Mitzi's arm to escort her back aboard.. "It's due to be in port for a month. How 'bout we do it right now! Unless you're afraid?"

Mitzi's cheeks turned bright red as she realized she'd been tricked in front of the newsreel cameras. Mitzi accepted Lola's challenge, but said, "Alright, in two weeks I'll face you on the deck of this carrier!" Then she added as she grinned for the cameras, "And I'm going to cream your sorry ass!"

Lola shrugged and said, "Maybe you really are as good as they say, but I doubt it. I tell you what, let's put a little wager on the fight. Joey's been my little servant girl for the last month now - she's really good at it too - but I'm getting bored with her. What say IF I beat you, you take her place as my maid….but IF you win, I'll spend the next month as your maid? That is, unless you already know you can't beat me?"

Mitzi was livid and wished at that moment she'd never thought of having her publicist call the newsreels and invite them to send camera crews. In a pickle, Mitzi had no choice but to accept Lola's outrageous wager offer.

"Anyway," Mitzi said, putting a brave face on. "My maid's due for some time off. You'll be perfect replacement while she's sunning herself in the South of France for a month."

Lola revisited her Navy buddies who'd coached her to the win over Joey and she worked with them studiously. Meanwhile, Mitzi went back to Hollywood to see her old friend Cyd Charisse and work on her boxing - something she hadn't done much of for at least five years!

Two weeks later, both women are back on board the aircraft carrier being introduced. Lola is stunning, easily winning over the young servicemen - those who aren't already enamored with her - when she showed up wearing a sexy white bikini and high heels. Mitzi, however, showed she still looks good with her drop-dead legs as she pranced to the ring wearing a leopard print bikini with strappy heels.

Flying in from Hollywood to referee the special match is none other than gorgeous blond Elke Sommer!

Round One:

"You're washed up Gaynor," teases Lola as she delivers a vicious blow to Mitzi's face. She staggers Gaynor with a thunderous combination to the head and hammers her even more with a brutal body attack. Lola's footwork is superior to Mitzi's in the ring and from the way Mitzi is huffing and puffing it looks like her conditioning is far from what it needs to be.

"Stick and move," exhorts Cyd, trying to help Mitzi out of her early trouble. But no matter how hard she tries, the older Gaynor can't match Lola's nimble footwork and blazing hand speed. Mitzi spends the final minute of the round with her butt on the ropes, her gloves up around her head, weaving from side to side as Lola tees off without regard to her defense. The first round is nearly a wipeout for Lola who dances to her corner with arms raised as her fans salute her with a standing ovation while Mitzi trudges back to Cyd looking happy just to still be on her feet.

BETWEEN ROUNDS 1 & 2:

"You've got to use your JAB!" Cyd implores Mitzi. "You're a sitting duck for her. That girl's making you look old Mitzi! God, if she knocks you out you can explain it as a lucky punch, but you can NOT let her make you look old!"

Mitzi, between gulps of water, is breathing heavily after just one round. As Cyd tries to rub some life into her legs, Mitzi slumps forward, elbows on knees, a tell-tale little roll of soft flesh forming at the waistband of her bikini. But when she stands up, the 'flab' doesn't show and her mature, curvy body looks every bit as desirable and luscious as it did before the fight; perhaps even a little sexier as the perspiration on her full bosom emphasizes the depth of her cleavage.

Across the ring, Lola is bragging to her second, Joey Heatherton, "I've got this smug bitch right where I want her. Her pride won't let her quit and she can't keep up with me. All I gotta do is keep pounding that aging body until it breaks down, then I can do anything I want with it!"

"You got her champ!" Joey gushes, excited about the prospects of getting someone else to replace her as Lola's 'fetch and carry girl' a function she has unwillingly performed for her conqueror since the debacle of her defeat.

Round Two:

Already the Navy guys are chanting, "LOLA! LOLA!" as she darts nimbly around Mitzi, landing punches at will. Lola's punches to Mitzi's face have Mitzi's beginning to swell shutting.

"Gotcha!" taunts Lola as she floors Mitzi with her deadly left hook. Mitzi falls back into the ropes, her butt hung up on the middle strand briefly before it slips off and she drops on her ass, leaning back with her elbows over the bottom rope behind her on the ring apron. She climbs back to her feet at the count of "Eight!" but she's obviously hurt!

Sommer waves Lola back in and she eagerly resumes the beating. Four more body shots leave Mitzi red-faced and gasping for air. She's staggering backwards when Lola drops her on her ass again, this time with a right cross. "Damn I'm really good!" chortles Lola as she stands over Mitzi, daring her to get up as she struggles to rise just as the bell sounds.

BETWEEN ROUNDS 2 & 3:

Cyd helps Mitzi up, steadies her as she staggers to her corner, then pushes her butt down on her stool; swabbing her face with a wet, cold towel as she mutters, "You're letting it get away, dammit! Use your head for something besides bruising her knuckles, you stupid bimbo! You've got to use THESE…" she slapped Mitzi's thick, muscular thighs, setting the flesh jiggling. "….unless you WANT to spend the next month kowtowing to that little snip of a GIRL!"

Mitzi shook herself out of her lethargy like the veteran she was, shaking her head as Cyd broke an ammonia capsule under her bloody nose. "Ikan doh this," Mitzi mumbled, wiping away the blood with the back of her soft leather glove. "Help me up, Cyd….they can't see me jes sittin' on muh ass…"

As Mitzi tried to pull herself up using the ropes, her right hand slipped and only Cyd's quick reaction saved her from a nasty fall. As Cyd hugged her and pulled her upright, Mitzi rested her cheek on Cyd's shoulder and murmured, "Oh….that feels so good. Hold me hon." Cyd must have thought Mitzi was either a dyke or hallucinating; which meant she was more seriously disoriented than she appeared.

In the other corner, Lola didn't even sit down, too excited about the prospects of KOing the legendary Mitzi 'South Pacific' Gaynor. "Put my mouthpiece in now," Lola commanded Joey. "I don't want to waste a second getting back on that soft body. God, how in hell could that over-age bimbo have THOUGHT she could compete with THIS body!"

Round Three:

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets and little Lola wants Mitzi's body! As soon as the bell rang, Lola raced out of her corner and attacked Mitzi while she was still in her corner! Lola got her gal in trouble from the git-go and the thousands of sailors on board knew it! Even Bob Hope could only shake his head as he leans over and tells Joey, "She's kicking Gaynor's ass harder than she did yours."

Joey smiles because she knows he's right! Still groggy, Mitzi attempts a feeble left hook, but it's easily blocked by the tougher, younger Lola who purrs sexily, "Prepare to meet your maker, hon!" Lola pounds a hard right to the belly button, then drops her patented left hook on Mitzi's jaw as she bends forward. Mitzi's beautiful legs buckle as her body goes limp as if someone turned off a switch. Mitzi drops on her knees, then goes sprawling on her face, down and out for the count.

It's just a formality that she's counted out by a grinning Elke Sommer, because Mitzi is SO knocked out! Elke bounces up and down with excitement as she raises Lola's right arm in the air, then she and Lola spend the next five minutes posing together for photos standing over Mitzi's prone body. The one-time major star lays unmoving; fabulous legs slightly spread, one arm flung out to the side, the other tucked under her pelvis which helps push her famous 'dancers ass' up in the air.

Mitzi continues to slumber, never hearing the Navy Band as they strike up "Anchors Aweigh". She's still out cold when they follow that with the stirring Marine Corps Hymn, "Semper Fidelis." Poor Mitzi's lost in dreamland for a good fifteen minutes before leggy Cyd Charisse finally breaks away from her huddle with Lola Falana and Joey Heatherton at ringside, climbs the steps, hikes up her dress (to catcalls and appreciative whistles) and climbs into the ring.

She applies smelling salts to her girl, then Mitzi's body gives a spasm and she jerks back to semi-consciousness. Cyd looks over at Lola who shakes her fist at her, then Cyd grabs Mitzi's famous legs by the ankles and 'prances' for the crowd as she drags the beaten Gaynor's body out of the ring, pulling her off the ring apron, tossing her over her shoulder and carrying her back to her dressing room where Lola and Joey are waiting...

AFTER PARTY: Cyd drags Mitzi's limp body through the door of the dressing room and gasps as she sees that Lola and Joey have not only already stripped, but are locked in an embrac. Lola breaks her kiss and glares at Cyd, growling, "OK Charisse; you kept your end of our bargain. Now, you want to get undressed and join us, or are you gonna haul that sorry old dyke ass outta here and let me and my little girlie get my victory party started?"

Cyd drops Mitzi's legs, looks down at her fallen warrior and pouts, telling her, "Sorry Mitzi; business is business. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I did what I had to, now you have to do yours....well, I mean Lola's!"

Cyd scampered out the door and pulled it shut behind her, hearing a low, moaning, "Nooooooooooooooo....." just as the latch clicked. Cyd threw back her shoulders and stood up straight, her bosom thrust out as she strode hurriedly past the gawking sailors, her high-slit dress giving the ogling seamen a glimpse of golden thigh as she hurried away, telling herself that Mitzi had gotten herself into this situatioin and now she could get herself out of it....by whatever means it took! 1