"You look great Ms. Feldon."

"Thank you very much. But, please call me Barbara. May I call you Paul?"

"Yes ma'am," Paul replied.

"So Paul, you're doing a story about women of the sixties who had roles as strong women?"

"That's right, and I heard from several that you were one of the best both off and on the air."

"Well Paul, I don't know if I was one of the best, but I was good."

"I hear you used to wrestle and box with some of the men when you were doing 'Get Smart'."

"I used to wrestle with Don Adams. I always beat him but I think he let me win. I also would box with Dick Gautier. He was too big and strong to wrestle with, but I could give him a pretty good fight if we boxed. He would pull his punches so he wouldn't hurt me and I'd smack him around. I bloodied his nose and mouth a few times."

"According to Don Adams, he never let you win, you always beat him."

Barbara gave an embarrassed smile, but didn't say anything. Then Paul asked, "Did you ever fight any of the women who appeared on Get Smart?"

"Not really. Julie Newmar and I arm-wrestled. She was big and strong. She beat me, but I gave her a tough match."

"Barbara, I heard you and Julie had a wrestling match. What happened?"

Barbara shrugged and modestly said, "I threw her around a little. I learned judo and karate so I would look like I was really fighting on the show. I didn't want to hurt her, so I sort of did the throws in slow motion. Then we agreed to stop before someone got hurt."

"I heard you pinned her and she gave up."

"Gee, I don't remember pinning her or her giving up."

"Well, Barbara, Ms. Newmar said you beat her pretty easily. What would have happened in a real fight?"

"I don't know. I guess she would have won."

"Funny, but Ms. Newmar said you would have easily beaten her. In fact, Don Adams said the same thing."

Once again Barbara shrugged. "Well, I guess we'll never find out."

"Why didn't they have the two of you fight on the show?"

"I rarely fought women. In the opening episode I had a pretty good fight with a woman. I also fought myself, which was quite a trick because the technology wasn't as good back then. While I threw a good punch, it didn't look real. I guess they should have used a double, but they had a close up on me as I got punched by myself. Fighting Julie wouldn't have worked with the script. They would have had to have changed the script. Remember, while Don got knocked out occasionally, I always won and all of my fights would end with a one-punch knockout, or a karate chop to the neck, or a kick and a punch or chop. I guess I was the queen of one punch knockouts"

"Or one chop knockouts."

Barbara laughed and said, "True."

"Barbara, I heard Raquel Welch paid you a visit on the set. What happened?"

"Well, someone determined that Diana Rigg and I were the toughest fighters and Angie Dickinson was third toughest. Raquel got all bent out of shape. She was somewhat of a wildcat and pretty crazy in those days. The person who did the poll rated Raquel fourth and she didn't like the thought of being fourth. She actually flew to London to fight Diana. I don't know much about the fight, but I know it ended with Diana throwing Raquel in the Thames. I would have loved to have seen that! Raquel was tough, but as I said before, she was crazy and very difficult to work with."

"I interviewed both Ms. Welch and Ms. Rigg and, not surprisingly, they had very different accounts of what happened. Ms. Welch claimed she was in London on a photo shoot and Ms. Rigg came looking for her. She also claimed she knocked Ms. Rigg out. But Ms. Rigg claimed that she gave Ms. Welch quite a beating. But neither said anything about the Thames."

"Well the fight was the talk of Hollywood and Raquel kept a real low profile and avoided anyone who might have asked her about the fight for a couple of months. Raquel also went after Angie and took quite a beating. Angie was also very strong and could wrestle. When she wrapped someone up between those legs of hers, it was all over. I heard she wrapped Raquel up and Raquel wouldn't give up. She eventually passed out."

"I guess I'll have to talk to Ms. Dickinson and find out about that fight. Ms. Welch didn't mention a fight with Ms. Dickinson."

"That doesn't surprise me at all Paul. As I said, she wanted to be thought of as the toughest female celebrity."

"So what happened when Ms. Welch paid you a visit Barbara?"

"We had just finished shooting for the day and I walked into my dressing room. As soon as I walked through the door, the psychopath grabbed my hair and started pulling it. She was pretty strong and could fight. So her pulling my hair hurt. She yanked my hair so hard that she pulled me down to my knees. She was still holding my hair and started kicking me in my chest and face. My face started getting red, but I wasn't about to lose. I managed to grab her ankles and pull them. She let go of my hair and fell to the floor. I then jumped on her and started punching her in her face. I hit her several times before she threw me off."

"Then what happened?"

"We were both on our feet. Remember how I told you I had to learn judo and karate? Well I gave her a chop to the neck. When she grabbed her neck, I kneed her in the stomach and then punched her in the eye. It was a pretty good punch and she went down. I got on top of her again and immediately noticed her eye was already black. Once again I started punching her in the face. Surprisingly, she started punching back despite being on her back. She was tough and hit me with a couple of good punches. One of her punches caught me in the eye and I stopped punching and grabbed my eye. She pulled my hair and rolled me over. Once she was on top she started throwing punches to my face. She hit me several times before I managed to grab her hair and roll her over.

"On top again I pinned her arms down because I didn't want her punching me any more. Once I pinned her arms down I swung my legs over her arms and gave her a few more punches. She was defenseless and knew she would be unable to get me off. She started crying and gave up."

"It sounds like you beat her pretty easily," Paul said.

"Well Paul, not really. She gave me a tough time. She hit me with some hard punches and she did give me a black eye. But I won and I guess that's the most important thing."

"Was Ms. Welch your toughest fight?"

"Believe it or not, Paul, Raquel was not my toughest fight."

"Did you fight Ms. Rigg?"

"No, I didn't Paul. I would have fought her if she came to America, but she had no reason to come to America and I had no reason to go to England."

"Did you fight Ms. Dickinson?"

"No Paul, I didn't fight her either. Some fight fan may have rated her number three, but she could fight. She might have been as tough as Diana."

"So who did you fight that was so tough?" Paul asked.

"The toughest fight I had was with Donna Douglas."

"You fought Elly May Clampitt!" Paul exclaimed.

Barbara laughed and said, "Technically I fought Elly May."

"How did that fight come about?"

"One night Don and I went out with Buddy Ebsen. He was a really nice person. We had a couple of drinks and Don started talking about how tough I was. Of course, Buddy couldn't be outdone, so he started talking about how strong Donna was. The next thing I know, Don asks me if I want to fight Donna and I said, 'Sure.'"

So we made arrangements for Donna and me to meet at Buddy's home. The day of the fight Don and I went to Buddy's house. Don and Buddy had made a thousand dollar bet on who would win. Well Donna was not happy that Buddy and Don had made a match for her. She was a real sweet person and didn't like to fight. She was also angry when she learned about the bet. She wasn't a women's rights advocate, but she didn't like the idea of being exploited by one of her friends."

"So what happened when you fought?"

"Well, she knew how to wrestle. So she immediately put me in a headlock and flipped me over her hip. The next thing I know, she turns me so that I'm on my stomach and she grabs both of my legs and bends them back. I couldn't get out and eventually started crying. Once I started crying she let me go."

"Did you give up Barbara?"

"Not really, but she let me go and I wasn't about to attack her. Besides, she got me down so easily that I'm sure she could have gotten me down again and put me in the same hold, or another hold that would have been equally as painful. She beat me pretty easily."

"Did Ms. Douglas ever fight again?"

"Not as far as I know. A few years later Pam Grier entered the scene and she became the new top fighter. I think a fight between her and Donna would have been interesting. Both were tough."

"Did you ever wish that you could fight someone you never fought?"

"Believe it or not, if I could have gone back in time I would have loved to have fought Marilyn Monroe. But, we both know that there isn't any way to go back in time."

"Why would you want to fight Marilyn?"

"I've heard stories about her. She was quite a fighter and I would love to have had the chance to see how I could do against her."

Paul looked at Barbara and asked, “What if you could go back in time and fight Marilyn Monroe, how old would you want to be?”

“Well, I was probably toughest when I was 32, so I guess I would want to be about 32. But it really doesn’t matter because we both know I can’t go back in time.”

“But it would make a great story if you could, Barbara.”
*********************
[Via the magic of our “Internet Time Machine”™/© Barbara Feldon is transported back in time from 1965 when she was her physical prime starring in “Get Smart” to 1958 when Marilyn was in her prime - taking two years off between film to concentrate on her catfighting career. In this fight, Marilyn is 32 y/o and Barbara 27.]

Barbara and Paul were standing in a gym and Marilyn Monroe was taunting Barbara who looked at Paul and asked, “How’d you do that?”

Paul shrugged and said, “I didn’t. I don’t know what happened, but you’re about to get your wish and I’m going to get one hell of a story.”

Barbara looked at Paul and said, “She got a pretty big upper body; looks a lot stronger than I thought.”

“Yeah but you’re about 3 inches taller than her and you know karate and judo.”

“I don’t think this is such a good idea Paul, I heard she was pretty tough and very crazy.”

“Don’t worry Barbara, you can beat her.”

“I sure hope you’re right.”

The blonde looked at her foe and said, “Come on girl, you wanted this fight. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

Barbara turned to Paul and said, “She looks angry.”

Then Barbara let out a yell and attacked. As she approached the busty blonde bombshell, Marilyn’s foot flew up and she slammed her foot into Barbara’s midsection. Barbara gasped, her mouth making a surprised ‘o’ as she grabbed her stomach and fell over backward. Barbara landed on her butt, bounced and rolled onto her back with her knees up. Marilyn quickly, stepped over Barbara’s knees, straddled her and dropped her broad butt down hard into the gasping brunette’s belly. As she mounted her, Marily grabbed Barbara’s hair, pulled her shoulders off the floor and then rammed her head back down. THUNK! Barbara’s head slammed against the floor and she screamed, thinking to herself, “This has to be a bad dream!”

“What’s the matter dearie, does that hurt?” Marilyn asked as she slammed Barbara’s head on the floor again. Marilyn then looked up at the group of spectators standing around and said, “I think stick girl here is about to cry.” She gave Barbara a hard slap and taunted her foe, “Looks like you bit of more than you can chew. Next time wish you could fight someone you can beat, maybe Mitzi Gaynor or Debra Paget!”

But as she regained her wind, Barbara’s hands shot up and she grabbed Marilyn by the hair, bucked her hips and rolled the big blonde her off. Barbara rolled with Marily and threw her leg across the startled blondes belly, grabbed her wrists and powered her her shoulders down to the floor.

“The fights not over yet, you psychotic bitch!”

Barbara started banging Marilyn’s head against the floor and after slamming Marilyn’s head to the floor five times, Marilyn’s eyes were spinning around in their sockets. Barbara drew back and swiped her hand across Marilyn’s face, scratching her pretty round cheek and drawing blood. Then the brunette gave Marilyn a hard slap, stood up and ripped Marilyn’s blouse off. Barbara gasped and her eyes opened up wide - unable to believe how large Marilyn’s breasts looked - even in the constrively tight bra she wore which Barbara realized was designed to shape and mold her breasts in the 50’s fashion rather than to uplift and emphasize them as hers wwas.

She tossed the blouse to Paul and said, “Hold on to this. Hopefully it’ll help us figure out if this is a dream or not.”

As soon as Barbara’s looked at Paul, howeverm, Marilyn had the opening she needed. She grabbed Barbara’s blouse and bra and pulled down, tearing the blouse open and twisting Barbara’s bra. As the cups pinched down on her small, firm breasts Barbara grimaced in pain. Marilyn continued to twist and tug at Barbara’s bra, laughing at the pained expression on the brunette’s red face as the crowd called for Marilyn to strip her.

“You’re fighting the best. Did you really think you had a chance?” Marilyn taunted. “You’ve got a cute nice face, but it’s a shame there isn’t some way to make these boobs larger. You’re no Debbie Reynolds in the tit department, hon!”

Despite still laying flat on her back, Marilyn was having a good time torturing Barbara and she continued to twist and tug at Barbara’s bra, digging and grinding it against Barbara’s aching breasts.

Marilyn wriggled her hips and swung her muscular legs up and clamped them tight around Barbara’s waist, then started to squeeze and Barbara screamed, “You’re killing me.”

“Good,” laughed Marilyn. “You should have put me on my back. I’ve built my career on my back.”

“Hit her Barbara,” cried Paul. “Punch her in the face.”

Marilyn laughed at the redundancy of Paul’s remark. “Yeah, hit me Barbara. You’ve got the advantage and you’re winning the fight,” Marilyn said facetiously but Barbara’s body was paralyzed from the pain of Marilyn deadly combination. “I’ll tell you what tall and skinny,” Marilyn hissed. “How ‘bout I let go of this Band-Aid covering your tangerines?”

Marilyn let go of Barbara’s bra, but she put her hands on the floor at her hips and increased the crushing pressure of her vice-like scissors. Barbara tried to overcome the pain and muster up the strength to punch Marilyn in the eye.

“Come on Barbara, you heard your friend. Punch me in the eye,” Marilyn taunted; hoping for an excuse to really get nasty! Barbara finally swung and her fist connected with Marilyn’s eye but because of the way Marilyn had been torturing her, the punch had little power and Marilyn laughed it off. “Is that the hardest you can hit?”

Barbara tried to throw another punch but as she wound up, Marilyn jerked her scissors and almost toppled Barbara. As she windmilled her arms trying to maintain her position over Marilyn, the blonde threw a nasty right that cracked on the point of Barbara’s jutting chin. Marilyn smiled as she looked into Barbara’s eyes and saw only the whites of her eyes. Barbara’s body went limp as she slumped forward over Marilyn’s hips and her face plunged into the deep canyon between Marilyn’s heaving breasts.

Marilyn opened her legs and pushed Barbara’s limp body off her, rolling it aside. Then Marilyn stood up, struck a pose and took a deep breath as she flexed her arms and legs, showing off her massive chest to it’s full benefit.

“Still unbeaten,” she crowed. “The nerve of that skinny bitch; thinking she had a chance to beat me. I’m still the best and aways will be.” Marilyn shook her tits over Barbara, sending sweat flipping down onto the face of her sleeping opponent. “Jayne Mansfield only WISHES she were half the fighter I am!”
************
Minutes later Barbara and Paul awoke and found they were back on Barbara’s couch. Paul held some ice on Barbara’s sore breasts and got some water so that he could wake Barbara. When she finally came to, she sat up blushing, crossed her arms over her breasts and mumbled something that sounded like, “It had to be a dream.”

Paul shook his head and said, “If it was, I had it too. And I still have the blouse you ripped off Marilyn. We’ve got a great story.”

“Yeah,” Barbara sighed. “But who’s going to believe it Paul?”

“Well, I guess I can write it as a dream fight. Do you want me to alter the story and eliminate certain parts?” he asked, glancing down at Barbara’s red, bruised breasts.