2009 Celebrity Catfight Calendar by Tank

At a chain bookstore I searched the calendar rack for a 2009 calendar. I was just about to purchase the Great American Landscapes when my eye caught the 2009 Celebrity Catfight Calendar.

Front Cover shows Denise Richards laying across Jennifer Garner's lap as they tussle bare-breasted in a hot tub; their bodies caressed by suds and bubbles.

Inside Front Cover-Composite shot showing Casta-Klum and Biel-Nolin each locked up on the sand at/near the start of their respective fights.

Inside Back Cover-Thumbnail photos of the winner/loser for each month as they’re being interviewed post-fight.

Back Cover-Publicity pics of all the women with ‘vital statistics’ (height, weight, age, measurements) and a brief bio of each.

Note: I also spotted a ‘Superheroine Catfight Calendar’; ‘Country Catfights’; ‘Muscle Beach Bikini Brawls’ and there was even an ‘Emma Peel's Greatest Catfights’ calendar - presumably for older folks? Short on cash, I bought only the catfight one and was pleased to read in the intro that the quality photos were no mere poses by celebs but were taken during real, unscripted, catfights!

The photo for each month shows one woman on the verge of submitting to the other. Three celebs appear twice in the calendar. Brief interviews follow each match with postfight notes and quotes from both the winner and loser included for each month. Here are the twelve months of the year:

January- Jessica Alba vs. Jessica Simpson.
- Shot at a beach at dusk. Alba is in a purple bikini and Simpson in a bikini of yellow. Both are kneeling on the sand with Alba behind Simpson executing a painful arm lock. Simpson is hurting and submits.
Simpson : "I gave it my best. I guess she's just tougher than I am", she sobs.
Alba: "There were one too many Jessica’s on the beach today." She smiles. "Was glad to prove to all my fans that I'm the real deal! Hope you had as much fun shooting the fight as I did making it."

February- Alexis Bledel vs. Naomi Campbell.
- Shot in an apartment. Naomi is dressed in a black leather bra and shorts with matching boots. Alexis is dressed in a white bra and panties adorned with cherries. Naomi is sitting on the couch with Alexis draped over her lap. Alexis is bawling, her panties halfway below her butt as Naomi deals her a stern spanking.
Alexis: "It wasn't fair! No one told me I'd be fighting that bully!" Poor Alexis cannot hold back the tears.
Naomi: "I took one look at that little girl and knew a good spanking was in order!"

March- Pam Anderson vs. Denise Richards.
- Shot in a hay loft. Pam is topless in tight denim jean shorts while Denise is topless in white shorts. Denise is on top of Pam, her breasts and nipples spearing her opponent's. Pam grovels helplessly beneath Denise as they wrestle on the hay. Denise is gouging Pam's eyes with her nails.
Pam: "She cheated! Scratching is not within the rules. She's nothing but a cheating whore!" Pam screams with tears in her eyes.
Denise: "I cheated? She's the one who bit ME on the ass! I asked her if she wanted a rematch with no scratching or biting but she refused. What a crybaby! She should just admit I'm the better woman. Gee, I hope me kicking her ass doesn't affect our friendship. Poor Pammie!" Denise smiles mischievously.

April- Megan Fox vs. Avril Lavigne.
- Shot in a jail cell for naughty girls. Megan is wearing a black bra and micro skirt while Avril sports the same in white. Both are lying on the floor with Megan lying behind Avril. The brunette's skirt is above her black panties as her long, shapely legs are wrapped around Avril's neck. A tearful submission soon follows.
Avril: "You can take your damn calender and shove it up your ass!" (as she storms out apparently).
Megan: "I knew I was too tough for that punk! She better settle down before I go after her and beat her ass again!"

May- Kate Beckinsale vs. Charlize Theron.
- Shot in a bedroom. Kate is wearing a black bikini while Charlize wears a bikini of yellow.
Charlize has Kate on her belly, her left knee thrusting into Kate's back as she rides her into the bed. The brunette is grimacing, her arm desperately bent back and yanking Charlize' golden tresses. Kate submits.
Kate: "I tried my best. She just... bested me, that's all." Kate has her head down, tears streaming down her cheeks.
Charlize: "I felt confident from the start against little Katie", Charlize smiles. "Just too much woman for her to handle."

June- Jennifer Lopez vs. (?)
- Shot in an apartment. Lopez in a white bikini is face sitting a woman in a black bikini. One can make out the victim's blond hair as Jen's butt is planted firmly on her face. Lopez is looking behind her with hands on hips and appears to be barking orders unaware her opponent is unconscious. The brief description of the fight identifies victim as Sarah Michelle Geller - who was shortly carried away and unavailable for interviews.
Jennifer: "She was supposed to be skilled in martial arts but I knew I could walk through her and punish her. Her worst problem though is behind me." Lopez grins and pats herself several times on her ass.

July- Angie Harmon vs. Gena Lee Nolin.
- Shot at a sunny beach. Angie is topless in blue panties, Gena topless in red. Nolin has Harmon in a front bear hug, her breasts and nipples overwhelming the much smaller pair of the brunette. Gena has Angie lifted onto her toes and is smirking at her as Harmon winces in pain. Harmon submits and goes sprawling to the sand on her butt.
Angie: "Boo hoo hoo...what happened? Ooohhh..I can't breathe."
Gena: "Did you get a good shot of my larger assets? When will the calendar be out? I can't wait to see it!"

August- Jennifer Garner vs. Denise Richards.

Photo- Shot in a bubble bath hot tub. Both are topless, their breasts above the water with suds and bubbles caressing their bodies. Jennifer is wearing a silver thong and Denise a thong of gold. Jen has forced Denise onto her lap, her thighs wrapped tightly around the blond's thong under the water and barely visible while her arms are locked just below Denise's breasts. Jen, her hair walnut brown and in a ponytail, glares down into her shapely victim's blue eyes with seemingly wicked intentions. Denise is looking up at Jen helplessly, her mouth open and tears streaming down her cheeks. She appears to be pleading to Jennifer to release her. Denise submits and bursts out crying; stumbling from the room refusing an interview.
Jennifer: "It's nice to know that whenever I get into a fight with Ben, I can take out my frustration by dominating Denise. Five times we've fought and each time I've won convincingly. She's always willing to fight though. Sometimes I wonder if deep down inside she ENJOYS being dominated by me as much as I enjoy making her submit." Jen breaks out in a grin.

September-Laetitia Casta vs. Heidi Klum.
- Shot on a sunny beach. Casta in a zebra stripe bra and thong; Klum sports the same in lavender. Casta's calves are locked tightly around Heidi's face as she lies in the sand behind her. Klum is flashing her nails desperately as she submits.
Heidi: "I thought I had her but she was too quick...too determined." Heidi is crying and she cuts short the interview and hurries back to her cabana.
Laetitia: "Heidi was tough but little did she know what a wildcat I am!" Lovely Laetitia, proud of her triumph, breaks out giggling.

October- Beyonce Knowles vs. Charlize Theron.
- Shot in a jungle. Beyonce, topless in a leopard skin thong; Charlize is bare breasted in white panties. Beyonce is on top of Charlize, her thighs pressing into Theron's thighs, her nipples above Charlize's as the blond struggles beneath her. With fists clenched and upper body cocked, she delivers snapping punches to Theron's lovely face. After what must have been a good number of blows, Charlize submits.
Charlize: "I tried my best. I was beating her... with my longer reach." Charlize is panting, her breasts undulating. "She's a real wild woman. I...I made a mistake of fighting her inside...letting her inside…next time I won’t."
Beyonce: "She's pretty tough and had to give it all I had." Beyonce is breathing hard as well and beads of sweat are running down her bare breasts. "When I was on top, my thong got caught in her panties. I knew I had to finish her while I could....couldn't let her get away or I'd lose my thong." She laughed heartily, then she slicked her body toward Charlize and they embraced.

November- Angelina Jolie vs. Kelly Hu.
- Shot in a mud hole. Angie wears a bikini of navy blue while Kelly is bare breasted in a red thong. Angelina is lying on her back in the mud, an agonizing expression on her face as she covers her groin with her hands, the victim of Kelly's kicks and punches. Kelly is standing over her topless and appears to be taunting her with hands on hips.
Angie is bawling loudly and refuses to be interviewed.
Kelly: "She shouldn't have yanked off my bra like that. Bad sportsmanship! She got me soooooo angry. I had to beat her into the ground...show her who's boss." Then she smiled and added, "Sometimes I can be such a bully."

December- Jessica Biel vs. Gena Lee Nolin.
- Shot on an overcast beach. Jessica in a black bra and thong, Gena in a bra and thong of pink. Jessica has Gena's arms twisted behind her back as they lay in the sand. What's worse is Biel has her tawny, well muscled thighs clamped like a vice grip around the waistband of Nolin's thong which is twisted around her hips. Biel's expression is all business as she gazes into Gena's eyes. Nolin is bawling. Tears streaming down her cheeks, she has her hands placed in vain between Biel's thighs as if she can separate them from around her. Nolin submits.
Gena: "Can you please scratch this from....(boo hoo hoo)...the calendar? Can't you just(sniff) publish the one of me and Angie? Pleasssse?"
Jessica: "I always wanted her between my thighs. She was getting carried away with herself." Biel smiled. "Poor girl! I really hurt her. But she should have known better than to fight ME." Whether it was good sportsmanship or just a prolonged flaunting of her stronger body, Jessica lifted a sobbing, trembling Gena off her feet and carried her down the beach.