Sarah Michelle Gellar vs. Jessica Alba by John J ( (c)2002 All rights reserved.

With the complete success of the first Saturday Night Actress Catfight, the suits at Showtime Productions decided to put together another set of fights, even make it a monthly special. After a quick phone call, the Showtime research staff was put on the task of investigating actresses with grudges against each other. After a few hours, they presented a two-page list of potential fights between actresses and the reason why each wanted to knock the others head off.

After perusing the list, one fight in particular caught the executive producer’s eye; the match-up of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jessica Alba. Reading further, he discovered attempts to get the two hot action-show actresses to guest star on each others shows had turned ugly as both beauties ripped into the other verbally for the smallest of error. Both guest star attempts nearly degenerated into fist fights between the action-show actresses.

The booking office called both actresses agents and it didn’t take an hour before both agents returned with calls stating their client “enthusiastically accepted” the offer and “looked forward” to the fight. Arrangements were quickly made and both actresses were brought to the Showtime studio in downtown LA to tape pre-fight interviews. In the two weeks prior to the fight, brief snippets from both interviews were broadcast between movies, generating even more interest in the fight. Rumor had it that several ‘suits’ at Fox were fired when it was learned their (former) star Alba was making her celebrity fight debut on a rival cable channel instead of their Celebrity Boxing show or Fox Sports channel. Heads rolled at HBO as well, but who cares about them!

The most popular interview segment by Sarah showed her smiling broadly as she said, “Concerned about the fight? Me? Puh-lease! Jessica’s fight scenes on ‘Dark Angel’ are so badly choreographed they made me laugh! She can’t fight fur shit and her so-called acting - ohmygod, that’s even worse than her fighting. This fight should take me all of five minutes to finish.”

In Jessica’s most repeated clip, she commented, “Sarah’s got a real big mouth, ‘bout as big as her inflated ego. All this talk about her doing her own fight scenes is just plain bullshit. She fights every bit as well as she acts - she can’t do either! I just wanna know who she blew to get the lead role on ‘Buffy’ ‘cause now that I’m unemployed, I’d like to ‘talk’ to them myself!”

For the last week before fight night, Showtime network aired the pre-fight interview segments over and over, generating protests from ‘PETI: People for the Ethical Treatment of Eyeballs’ and several decency and family media groups concerned that the women may ‘accidentally become partially unclothed during the fight.’ The Playboy Channel scoffed at the protests saying if THEY had the fight, it’d be “nude from the git-go!” Showtime execs primed the pump for ratings, seeing a potential for this to be their highest rated Saturday Night Fight ever.

A couple nights before the fight, the Showtime execs arranged for inside information about near fights previously between Gellar and Alba to be ‘accidentally leaked’ to popular Hollywood gossip tabloid TV shows, Internet web sites and selected newspapers. This generated a firestorm of denials from the actresses, their agents and handlers that only increased the attention to the fight and lead to a Wall St. Journal editorial that called the ploy “nothing short of friggin’ brilliant!”

By the night of the fight anticipation regarding it had reached a higher pitch, more than even the suits had expected. Bets, both legal and illegal, were placed on the outcome and USA Today reported this was the first celebrity fight in history to have nearly as many office pools as the college basketball tournament. Based on legal betting in Las Vegas, it was expected to be an even fight with luck (or a ballot box stuffer) being a major factor in determining the victor.

The arena was sold out - even standing room tickets were impossible to get - as fight time drew near. At exactly ten minutes before the opening bell, the arena suddenly went dark and spotlights targeted a lone figure who had climbed into the empty ring in the darkness. Standing in the middle of the ring as the spotlights came up, the figure’s identity became clear. Alyssa Milano! The stunning brunette stood in the ring wearing a sexy black and white striped string bikini, her referee outfit, and black and white, zebra skin Manolo Blahnik strappy heels.

Alyssa raised her microphone, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to another exciting night on Showtime, the world’s number one cable channel. We have another special event night planned for our regular Saturday Night Fight program; two more young actress catfighting for your viewing pleasure.”

She continued, “Just as in our last show, rules are kept to a minimum. There’s o outside interference, and no foreign objects except for the bikinis and high heels they wear into the ring. Nothing else. This is a no-holds-barred, one-hour time limit catfight. Pins don’t count, the fight will be decided by either a knockout or a submission.” She paused dramatically for a few moments, then said breathlessly, “Now the moment you’ve all been waiting are the fighters for this evening’s match.” Alyssa turned and swept her arm upward, pointing gracefully to her left and smiling, “Our first combatant is 5’7” tall and tips the scales at a solid 115 pounds. She’s just 21 years old, let’s hear a big Showtime welcome for the star of the former FOX hit show ‘Dark Angel’....a lovely Latina from Pomona, California.....Jessica “The Ass Kicker” Alba!”

Alyssa stepped back as the spotlights focused on the entryway. Jessica emerged a moment later. The sexy brunette smiled and waved to her fans as she strutted down the walkway toward the ring. Her tiny red string bikini and thong bottom barely contained her curves as she walked. Her ass and hips swiveled with each step as she moved closer to the ring. The brunette walked up the stairs to the ring. She bent over suggestively, showing off her gorgeous ass as she slid under the top rope and climbed into the ring. She moved into her assigned corner and waited.

Alyssa swaggered back into the spotlight, took a deep breath to whistles and cheers then dramatically pointed to the opposite entrance and said, “Her opponent, standing 5’3” and weighing a muscular 108 lbs,; this veteran actress is only 25 years old. Hailing from New York City, she’s the star of the WB.....oops, my bad! That’s now a UPN hit... ‘Buffy, The Vampire Slayer.’ Let’s give it up for Sarah Michelle “Mad Dog” Gellar!”

Again, Alyssa stepped out of the spotlight struggling to suppress a fit of giggles as the spotlights swung to the doorway where Sarah stood and smiled, waved and blew kisses to her fans before she bounced and wiggled her way down the aisle. Her tiny blue string bikini strained to contain her curvaceous figure as Sarah paused to sign a few autographs as she slowly made her way to the ring, the sexy blondes hips and ass gyrating suggestively as she walked.

After Sarah climbed the stairs to the ring, she bent over and slid under the top rope and the tiny thong bottom did little to cover her lovely ass as she bent. She gave Alyssa a dirty glare as she passed her and moved into the corner opposite Jessica. They glared daggers at each other as Alyssa returned to the middle of the ring, raised her microphone and said, “OK ladies, you know the rules. There aren’t many, but I will enforce them. I’m not gonna hang back and let you use chairs and tables like Karen McDougal did when she refereed the last match.” Then she signaled for the timekeeper to ring the bell and quickly stepped out of the way as the bell rang with it’s customary....


Just as Alyssa backed up, Jessica and Sarah ran toward each other. Sarah charged in and kicked high, aiming at Jessica’s head while Jessica dove low and swung her legs around. Jessica’s leg sweep took Sarah’s leg out from under her as she spun around after missing the kick. The blonde dropped hard on her ass, while Jessica sprang to her feet to resume her attack.

With a violent tug on Sarah’s long blonde hair, Jessica forced Sarah to her feet, planted herself and took a hold of Sarah’s arm.

Seconds later, Sarah found herself sailing toward the far corner just as Jessica planned. Sarah’s back slammed into the turnbuckles and she groaned of pain as her body bent backward with the impact on the turnbuckle. Jessica charged in as Sarah hit the turnbuckle; building up to full speed she leaped in the air to splash her body into Sarah’s. But as Jessica closed in, Sarah ducked and rolled aside leaving Jessica no time to stop her headlong flight.

Jessica cringed as she realized what was about to happen. She smashed into the turnbuckles with a groan of pain as her boobs flattened against her ribs when her luscious melons impacted on the top turnbuckle. Her full, firm breasts took the brunt of the damage and pain, leaving her with a large black-and-blue bruise clear across the width of her impressive cleavage.

Sarah got up and went over to Jessica who was still sagging in the corner with her limp arms draped over the top turnbuckle, her wind knocked out of her by the impact. Jessica’s tits were already aching and bruised from the punishment as Sarah moved in, grabbed a fistful of brunette hair and pounded Jessica’s head down on the top turnbuckle not once, but twice! She stumbled backward into the ring, dazed and blurry-eyed. Jessica wobbled around the ring, fighting to keep her balance.

Sarah was clearly annoyed she hadn’t fallen yet, so the blonde decided to help her out. She moved in, planted one leg and swung out with the other leg in a graceful high kick. Jessica never saw it coming and the toe of Sarah’s high-heel slammed into her temple with a loud thud. Jessica’s head jerked to the side as the kick landed and her body twisted as she corkscrewed to the canvas at Sarah’s feet in a heap.

Sarah’s face had a look of smug satisfaction as she bent over Jessica, confident she was about to end this fight just as she’d predicted she would. She started to yank Jessica to her feet using a handful of brunette hair but as she started to pull, her expression abruptly changed to one of shock and she screamed. The reason for her scream was clear when Jessica hammered her fist into the blonde’s pussy for a second time. Sarah lost her hair hold and dropped her hands to her damaged crotch as she backed away until her rubbery legs gave out and she sat down hard, bounced and then sat with her legs squeezed tightly together, her face pale and her eyes wide.

Though she’d just done a lot of damage to Sarah, Jessica still hadn’t fully recovered herself. But she knew she had to take advantage of this situation or loose the opening she’d created for herself. Jessica reached out and grabbed Sarah’s legs and, as she stood up, tipped Sarah over backward and spread her legs. Jessica let out a martial arts cry as she stomped her foot down on Sarah’s damaged pussy! Sarah screamed in pain, barely able to hold back the flood of tears from her pain.

Jessica raised her foot to stomp again, but Sarah shifted her hips just enough so that Jessica’s heel hit her in the inner thigh instead of directly on her pussy. A large black-and-blue bruise started to form on her milky white thigh where Jessica’s stiletto heel had dug into the soft flesh. Jessica tried to shuffle her feet as she repositioned Sarah for her next stomp, but the writhing blonde managed to jerk a leg from Jessica’s grasp and Sarah’s wildly kicking foot caught her in one of her bruised tits.

Sarah rolled over and scrambled away on hands and knees, trying her best to fight against her throbbing pussy pain while on the other side of the ring Jessica choked back the pain in her boobs. Jessica was able to get moving more quickly than Sarah and she chased down the blonde and yanked her up to her feet by the hair. She locked her in a bearhug but before she was set, Sarah retaliated by smashing the back of her head into Jessica’s face, giving the brunette a bloody nose.

Jessica’s bearhug weakened and Sarah shifted position slightly which enabled her to back kick her heel back up into the brunette’s pussy. Jessica screamed in pain as Sarah let out a nasty little smile. Jessica’s hands slipped down out of the bearhug and she dropped to her knees on the canvas. Sarah wobbled around a bit as she circled back around toward Jessica, the pain in her crotch still too much for her to walk normally or very fast.

Using the top rope for added leverage as well as to support herself, Sarah pressed a high-heeled foot down on Jessica’s throat. She leaned down, using her weight to add pressure as she choked her. Jessica soon discovered she couldn’t pull Sarah’s leg off her throat, so she gave up on that idea and tried to rake her nails down the sensitive inside of Sarah’s thighs. Sarah let out a yelp of pain as Jessica’s nails dug in and left a trail of bloody scratches on her thigh and calf. Still, Sarah refused to let go of her choke and Jessica started to get lightheaded. She realized that Sarah’s choke would knock her out if she didn’t do something fast so she lashed out with her fist and punched Sarah in the side of the knee. Sarah moaned in pain and staggered back just as her knee buckled under her.

Sarah rolled away from Jessica rubbing her knee. She wasn’t hurt badly, but more importantly she realized she was moving better as the pain in her pussy began to subside. Jessica rubbed her throat and gulped down air, as she struggled to get her breath as she pulled herself to her feet using the ropes. Both women were now a more wary of her adversary and a bit more respectful of her fighting skill. That respect showed as they closed the distance more cautiously in defensive postures.

As they came into range, Jessica fired a straight jab that broke through Sarah’s defense and flattened her left tit on her breastbone. Sarah didn’t back off, indeed, she charged forward surprising Jessica as she pounded the brunette’s already battered globes with one left-right combination and then another. Jessica moaned in pain as her aching tits were again flattened.

As Jessica hunched forward trying to protect her tits, Sarah trapped her in a side headlock. She kept Jessica’s head trapped as she yanked on the brunette’s bikini top until she viciously ripped it off, digging the top into her rival’s aching boobs as hard as possible in the process. Once topless, the deep, dark, bruises on Jessica’s tits from the collision with the turnbuckle and Sarah’s punches were visible. Before Sarah got a chance to continue stripping her, however, Jessica hammered a fist to the blonde’s belly. Sarah gasped as the air rushed out of her, totally surprised by the punch.

Jessica easily pulled her head from Sarah’s headlock as the blonde gasped and sucked in air. Jessica followed up and drove a knee into Sarah’s midriff. She gasped again, as the air she’d just inhaled was driven out of her. Jessica gave a hard yank on Sarah’s long blonde hair and kept a firm hold on it as she lifted her knee again, this time to Sarah’s face. She groaned as the knee caught her flush in the nose and it started to bleed. Jessica released the hair hold just as Sarah’s head snapped back on impact and the blonde dropped to the canvas, rolled over and checked her nose. She found only a small trickle of blood so she ignored the damage to her nose as she spun around to face Jessica.

Sarah didn’t need to look hard for Jessica because Jessica was waiting for her. She yanked Sarah upright by the hair and using a secure hold on Sarah’s arm, whipped her to the ropes. Sarah sailed out of control into the ropes, bounced off and came straight back to Jessica. The brunette set herself and flattened her adversary with a clothesline. Sarah gagged and choked as she bounced off the canvas as the forearm to her throat knocked the air out of her once again. Jessica hair-hauled the blonde back to her feet and as Sarah leaned over gasping, she grabbed Sarah’s bikini top between the cups and whipped it down and then off leaving both lovely beauties topless!

Jessica set her feet and whipped Sarah back toward the corner but Sarah grabbed Jessica’s wrist and reversed the whip so that it was the brunette who found herself flying into the corner turnbuckles instead. Jessica crashed into the corner, her back slamming into the top two turnbuckles. Sarah moved in quickly and pounded Jessica across her aching boobs with a forearm chop, then another, and finally a third! After each one, Jessica’s body slumped a little more and she moaned in pain.

Sarah continued the brutal tit assault as she bodied up to Jessica and clamped her claws onto her damaged melons. The brunette grunted as Sarah grabbed her and then moaned in pain, nearly in tears, as Sarah dug her nails deep into the tenderized tits, twisting her wrists and scratching the firm young flesh. Sarah showed no mercy, concentrating her tit torture on Jessica’s already badly bruised areas, adding bloody scratches and welts to the already black-and-blue areas.

Unable to get out of the corner, Jessica retaliated in kind, sinking her claws in Sarah’s small, firm, tan globes. The two beauties struggled, their hips thrust forward against one another, bellies rubbing, their backs arched backward to give them room to maneuver their hands. They struggled in eerie silence, broken only by an occasional grunt or groan, scratching, squeezing and brutally mauling each other’s once perfect boobs. Jessica’s tits were already in worse shape than Sarah’s, and she had to release Sarah’s breasts to grab Sarah’s wrists and try to pull the blonde’s nails from her sore, bloody boobs.

Jessica finally sighed with relief as she freed her tits from Sarah’s claws but Sarah kept up her attack. As soon as she wrested her hands from Jessica’s grasp, Sarah grabbed Jessica’s hair and - with a quick mare flip - tossed the brunette down on her ass. Sarah pulled back hard on Jessica’s arms as she planted her foot between the brunette’s shoulder blades, putting her in a nasty surfboard hold. Jessica groaned as Sarah heaved back, turning up the pressure on her back and yanking harder on her arms. The pressure on Jessica’s back and shoulder joints was excruciating, while the crowd cheered, hooted and whistled as everytime Sarah gave her body another jerk, Jessica’s big breasts bounced on her bare chest.

Suddenly, Sarah released the surfboard hold and gave Jessica a hard kick in the back, slamming her face first to the canvas. Jessica rolled onto her side as she rubbed her sore back unaware that while she was tending her injury, Sarah was climbing the turnbuckles in the corner to the top rope. Sarah smiled and waved to her fans as she set herself, then leaped off the top rope toward Jessica. Just as Sarah launched herself, Jessica rolled out of the way and watched with an evil grin as Sarah’s chest and torso slammed into the canvas at high speed.

Jessica went over to Sarah and, with a rough yank of her blonde hair, pulled her forward on her hands and knees, clamping her thighs around her neck in a standing head scissors. Jessica crossed her ankles as she squeezed her thighs together, crushing Sarah in them. She had Sarah trapped, the blonde’s neck positioned perfectly between her thighs at the point of highest pressure. Sarah gasped and her face turned red as the brunette turned up the pressure on her neck. Sarah tried, but couldn’t unhook Jessica’s legs to escape. She tried a different tactic, playing dead! She gasped a couple times and then went limp, her attempts to escape ceasing.

Jessica kept up the pressure for a while longer, thinking she might be up to something but after seeing no activity from Sarah for a while, Jessica released the scissors hold, bent down and brought Sarah to her feet. She whipped Sarah to the ropes and once more slammed her down with a big clothesline. Sarah dropped like a sack and lay still. Alyssa moved in to start her count as Jessica pulled back, leaving Sarah spread-eagled on the canvas.

Alyssa counted, “1... 2... 3....”

Jessica had her back to Sarah and Alyssa, waving to and flirt with her fans as Alyssa continued, “4... 5....”

Then Alyssa stopped counting. After a couple seconds, Jessica realized she hadn’t heard ‘6’ and turned around to see why.

Just as she turned around, Sarah cracked her in the jaw with a powerful kick. Jessica stumbled back into the corner and flopped on her ass dazed, her head limply flopping forward, her chin resting on her chest. Sarah moved in and squeezed Jessica’s battered boobs, using them to force her up to her feet - aided with a rough pull on her nipples.

Then with a hard shove, Sarah slammed Jessica back into the corner again. This time the blonde pounded her sore melons with a couple hard forearm smashes as Jessica moaned, barely holding back tears of pain. Sarah kept up the attack as she whipped the brunette clear across the ring, sending Jessica crashing into the opposite corner.

Sarah charged in after Jessica and just as she splashed into Jessica, Sarah blonde raised her knee and drilled it into the brunette’s soft stomach. Jessica gasped and wheezed as Sarah’s knee knocked the wind out of her and, as Sarah stepped back, Jessica’s body slowly folded over until Sarah hammered her in the back with a double ax-handle that instantly dropped her to her knees on the canvas.

Sarah pulled Jessica down flat and swung herself into position to locked a figure-4 head scissors on Jessica, securing her calf under the brunette’s chin and locking her foot behind her knee. She squeezed as hard as she could, her wiry legs both crushing Jessica’s head and choking her at the same time. She kept the pressure on until Jessica’s bucking and flailing, her legs kicking as she tried to squirm free, stopped. The brunette was out cold!

Alyssa moved in to start the count out, but Sarah waved her off. Instead, she bent down and slapped Jessica’s face to revive her. Jessica started to cough and cry as she slowly came around.

Sarah hissed, “You’re not getting off that easy, bitch! I’m not gonna just let you pass out and get my win by a knockout. I want you to have to beg me to stop. I want to hear you say, ‘I give up’.”

Jessica sobbed, “Go fuck yourself!”

Sarah laughed, “That’s exactly the answer I hoped for.”

She yanked Jessica to her feet by the hair and whipped the brunette to the ropes. Jessica bounced back and Sarah set herself for a clothesline but Jessica gracefully ducked under and threw herself into the opposite ropes. She came flying back toward Sarah with a clothesline of her own, but Sarah expected it and easily avoided the blow. Jessica kept running, however, and as she bounced off the ropes a third time, she had her arm raised for another clothesline.

As Jessica came running at her, Sarah suddenly jumped and kicked out both feet. Jessica went down on her back like a pile of bricks as the blonde’s drop-kick caught her square both of her black-n-blue boobs. Hopping to her feet, Sarah couldn’t help grinning as she kicked Jessica over onto her stomach and straddled Jessica backward. Sarah grabbed her legs, lifted them up and pulled back - hard - as she sat back over Jessica’s lower back folding her over backward like the letter ‘C.’

Jessica yelped in pain as Sarah locked in the Boston Crab, adding more pressure steadily as she bent the brunette back further and further, every inch putting more strain and pain on Jessica’s back. After almost two minutes of excruciating, torturous pain in her back, Jessica’s resistance finally broke!

“Enough! Please stop! I give up!” Jessica sobbed as she pounded her fists on the mat and clawed at Alyssa’s ankle, pleading with the ‘referee’ to end her suffering.

“I can’t hear youuuuuuu!” Sarah snapped, “Louder, bitch! And beg or I’ll snap your goddamn back! You’re gonna need your back, because ‘on it’ is the only way you’re going to get work now that your show flopped because you can’t ACT!”

Jessica screamed as Sarah gave her legs another tug, “I’m begging, Sarah! Please…..please….no more. I give up! You win.”

Satisfied at last, Sarah dropped the brunette’s legs, then walked on her ass, wiping both feet on Jessica’s seat before stepping off. Jessica rolled over and hid her face with her hands as her body jerked and shuddered, racked by sobs as she broke down in tears. Sarah posed triumphantly for photos, one foot on Jessica’s heaving bosom as Alyssa Milano raised her arm.

Then Alyssa said what everyone already knew, “The winner of this Action Show Actress Catfight - SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR!”

Though she was hurt and bruised, Sarah smiled and waved happily to her fans as she played to the crowd. She signed autographs and posed for pictures for several minutes before she took the microphone away from Alyssa and said, “I’m having a victory party at the Hilton tonight. All my fans and admirers are welcome to come join me celebrating.”

Sarah started to leave the ring, then she stopped to sign a few more autographs before she left the arena. After Sarah had gone, Jessica struggled to pull herself up to her feet, her face still streaked with tears. She limped back to her dressing room to change into her clothes and leave quietly, to go home and let her sore, aching body rest.

Final vote: Gellar-376; Alba-229