"Britney, this is no fucking joke!” lectured K-Fed as the once svelte singer ate ice cream from a carton and swilled beer from a forty, "You NEED this fight and this girl will WRECK you if you ain't in shape!”
Britney snorted, "Oh ... relax! You're just worried about your alimony, you loser. I will kick this Jessica whatever's ass and will be right back on top!"
Fight night came and the Montecito Hotel and Casino boasted an overflow crowd for what was billed as, "The Return of the Princess of Pop to The Octagon!"
Privately, Jessica Biel stewed about her underbill appearance but the guarantee was too good to pass up and she had to admit, the chance of getting her hands on Little Miss Spears was something she’d have done for free anyway. Still…
"Time, kid ..." called the cornerman into the dressing room. Britney took a last swig from a bottle of Old English, preened for the mirror and announced "It's ...SHOWTIME!”
Dressed in Daisy Dukes, barefoot and wearing a red bikini top, Britney gyrated (somewhat clumsily) down the runway toward the Octagon. Her shorts looked at least two sizes too small and an ample rolld of belly flesh bulged over the waist. To say her body lacked tone would be an understatement. As she entered the Octagon, she saw ... Jessica Biel! Glistening with sweat from her warm up, wearing a sensible black one piece suit and low-cut wrestling shoes, Jessica regarded Britney Spears ... like a Doberman eyeing a T-Bone.
"Wha'chou lookin' at, Beeeeeeyitch?" sneered Britney, "You never been in with a superstar before? You want a autograph or sumthin?"
Just a hint of a smile creased Jessica's face. As the stern looking female referee gave instructions, the capacity crowd, liberally dotted with celebs, came to a crescendo.
"This gonna be bad ..." mumbled K-Fed, pulling his baseball cap brim down low.
"This is going to be SO SWEET!" chortled Christina Aguilera, squirming with anticipationn in her ringside seat.
The bell sounded! Britney raced across the ring, taped fist cocked and threw an overhand right that would have floored Jessica Biel ... if it connected! Jessica calmly slipped the telegraphed punch and Britney stumbled past her. Britney looked slightly flustered; trying to regain her dignity, she noticed Leonardo DeCaprio at ringside and blew him a big theatrical kiss. Leo cringed and Britney returned her attention (such as it was) to Jessica, who waited in center ring, bouncing lightly from foot to foot. Faking the right, Britney hooked twice to the body ... and fanned air!
Standing her ground, visibly flustered, Britney challenged the actress, "You come to run…or fight, bitch?"
Jessica watched coolly ... relaxed ... hands at side .. shifting weight from foot to foot. Suddenly, Britney went for a shoot! Clutching at the long leg ... which flashed aside at the last moment ... leaving Britney Spears sprawled alone on the mat.
For the first time in the long minutes they had been in the ring, Jessica spoke, "You're pretty slow, 'Tubby'!" The comment was plainly audible to ringsiders and brought raucous laughter.
Britney blushed bright red. "You are so dead now!" she growled before hurling herself at the tall actress, forcing her to the wall of the Octagon and unleashing combination after combination of punches which, for the most part, bounced harmlessly off Biel's shoulders, biceps or hips. At length, Britney took a step back ... breathing heavily from her mouth.
Jessica relaxed her peek-a-boo guard ... and smiled! Back on her toes, she began to circle the winded pop star. Suddenly, her left hand flashed ... and popped Britney on her perky little nose! The blonde's face contorted, more annoyance than pain ... and Jessica Biel responded by doubling the jab! Another double jab!
Desperate to put an end to it, Britney heaved a slow overhand right at her tormentor. Jessica Alba took a half step to avoid it, then delivered a clouting right uppercut to Britney's jiggling rack! Startled, Britney retreated clumsily back and was rewarded with a left right left combination of hooks to her doughy midriff. The pop princess winced and retreated ... desperate to put distance between her and this unexpected hellcat - why did she have to be so ... so FAST!
The crowd booed Britney's retreat. They cheered when Jessica began a methodical pursuit, Britney was almost literally running now she was backpedaling so fast - and still Jessica Biel was closing. Desperate, Britney stopped abruptly and attempted a front kick. Jessica Biel literally caught her heel in mid air, causing Britney Spears to hop comically on one leg.
"Ticklish?” Jessica asked, matter-of-factly, as she diddled Britney's bare foot. To her embarrassment, the pop princess giggled wildly in response before collapsing weakly to the mat. Laughter and boos cascaded from the crowd! "Get up, you fat brood sow!" sneered Jessica.
A worried, and frightened, Britney searched her mind for a counter move (it was a short search to be sure) ... and then the bell ring, ending round one!
Britney rose and made her way sheepishly back to her corner. Suddenly, she was spun around by a hand on her shoulder. Jessica Biel forced eye contact and whispered, "See you in a minute, 'Tubby'!"
The referee looked into Britney's corner and frowned. "Come on, Spears! People paid good money for those seats, you gotta at least TRY to fight!"
"Sh…she's on something ..." Britney whined, "She's too strong ... too fast ... I want her urine checked…or something ..." The ref rolled her eyes and headed over to Biel's corner. Britney turned her attention to her corner. "This is your fault ... and mama's ... and Kevin's ... no one made me train! Y'all said this would be easy! Why did I listen ... I ... I wanna quit ... can't you say my hand is broken or somethin'?"
The veteran cornerman shook his head in disgust. "Broken from what? Hittin' thin air? Look ... she's fast ... OK, I get it ... you gotta make this a brawl then! Get inside and rough the girl up! You're Britney ‘Fuckin’’ Spears, dammit! The superstar ... now take her down!” Her corner's encouragement bolstered Britney's faltering confidence.
"I'm the superstar ... I'm the superstar ..." she repeated mantra like as she waited for the bell. She couldn’t look at Biel. Finally, she asked, "Wh…what's she doing?"
"Doin’? Nothin’! Just standing there ..." replied the junior cornerman.
"But HOW is she standing?" demanded Britney. "Does she look tired? Scared?"
"Uh, nope. Looks like she's waiting for a bus ...." replied the corner without much optimism.
The bell rang and this time it was Jessica Biel quick from her corner! She met Britney three fourths of the way across the ring, feinting with her jab and then delivering a ringing straight right to the jaw, followed by a left hook to the midriff and a left hook to the jaw. Britney's eyes glazed slightly and she took a stumbling half step forward ... and was rewarded with another pulverizing right to the temple. The pop princess staggered two step to the right, one back to the left ... then dropped to her hands and knees. Rather than press her advantage, Jessica Biel smirked and stepped back ... bouncing lightly on her feet. "Count her out!” she demanded of the ref.
"... five ... six ... GET UP ... seven ... GET UP ...” Britney was puzzled by the faintly heard mixed messages ringing in her ears. More by instinct than conscious choice, she rose unsteadily to her feet.
The referee looked in her dazed eyes and asked, "Do you want to continue? Good ... fight!" But she didn‘t wait for Britney’s answer from the dazed pop star). The referee motioned Jessica Biel in.
Grinning maliciously, Jessica jabbed at Britney's right breast. The plump mound pancaked and the blond winced in pain. Jessica delivered a clouting uppercut and the breast flopped up against Britney's breast bone, back down, up yet again and then settled more or less ... still jiggling lightly.
The crowd cheered raucously. Intrigued and encouraged, Jessica delivered a flashing left right left right combination to Britney's heaving wrack. As her ample knockers flopped wildly, the bikini top snapped with an audible ping - leaving Britney topless in the ring!
Jessica Biel paused a moment, soaking in the cheers of the crowd and considering the dazed battered singer who tottered unsteadily before her. Then, a steely smile on her face, she let her punches go in a dazzling display of hand speed - all directed at the heavy “sweater meat” that presently constituted the bulk of Britney Spears' talent.
Left right ... left right ... left right ... a steady rhythm - Jessica Biel was ‘speed bagging’ Britney's bouncing boobs!
The massive mammaries flopped predictably in response to Jessica's crushing blows as she controlled the battering. When at last she stopped, Britney's arms hung limp by her sides and she was crying freely; the hulking hooters she was clearly so proud of were scalded scarlet ... and liberally interspersed with deep purple bruises.
"Plea-hee-hease ..." the blonde singer sobbed pitifully, "N-No more ... y-y-you'll bust m-my implants ...” The ref looked on stony faced, perhaps favoring Jessica with the slightest nod of assent.
"Stick your chin out, 'Juggs'!" Jessica commanded. Britney submissively arched her back and thrust out her exposed chin. She closed her eyes and waited. "Now...” Jessica snickered. “If you want to save those fat milk melons, ask me to KNOCK YOU THE FUCK OUT!”
Sniveling, utterly humiliated, devastated by her beating and the cheers of the crowd, Britney meekly asked, "Please ... please Jessica ... please (sob) knock me out ...”
"With pleasure, 'Bimbo'!" laughed Jessica. Kissing her taped fist theatrically, she wound up and delivering an explosive right uppercut right on the point of Britney's chin. The battered songstress rose on her toes ... then settled back on her heels ... her eyes crossed .. something like a grin on her face ... before pitching face forward. The referee's count to ten was just a formality; it could’ve got to ten thousand. "So much for a comeback!” sneered Jessica. "Back to the trailer park for you…loser!"