Celebrity Boxing: Darva Conger vs. Bridgette Nielson by EZJ

Darva Conger issued a pre-recorded open challenge press release for the media to air on national television. As always Darva was starving to be in the limelight and to keep her name in everyone’s minds. She wanted to milk her Celebrity Boxing gig for all it was worth and establish a name for herself as a top female celebrity boxer.

“I have decided to sign on for another installment of Celebrity Boxing to be aired in July of 2002. If any of you Hollywood bimbos think you can take down Darva Conger...bring it! But be ready to get your ass beaten and be humiliated on national television.” Then she blew a kiss into the camera and the video went off.

The networks and the media got quite a kick out of her public statement. But it just so happened that it created the media frenzy she was looking for. Everyone was anxious to see who her opponent would be. The next thing Darva knew....the CEO of Fox Networks gave her a call on a Saturday afternoon.

“Darva Dear...we have found an opponent for you....”

Bridgette Nielson was getting old and wasn’t garnering the same attention she did in her ‘Red Sonja’ and ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ days. She was taking roles in B movies and making an occasional media appearance but she couldn’t seem to create a good buzz in Hollywood anymore. She was sitting with a couple of her friends and was flipping through the TV stations and saw Darva issuing a challenge to all of the Hollywood ladies. Bridgette couldn’t believe the nerve of this little girl. She quickly called FOX and arranged to sign on the dotted line.


Pre-match interview with Bridgette Nielson.

Announcer: “What motivated you to participate in Celebrity Boxing?”

Bridgette: “Well I saw the last installment of celebrity boxing and found it rather amusing. I never thought in a million years that I’d be participating, but after Darva Conger’s press release... Well, I couldn’t get over how cocky she is! The little bitch really thinks she’s tough!! Look at me, well over 6 feet and my strength and reach is much better than hers. I’m going to put her down and teach her a lesson she’ll never forget. She doesn’t stand a chance.”

Announcer: “Well you have it folks, some Stinging words from Bridgette Nielson. I wouldn’t want to be in Darva Conger’s Prada pumps tonight.”

Pre-match interview with Darva Conger

Announcer: “Strong words earlier from Bridgette Nielson!! What’s your response?”

Darva: “Well.... it was a good laugh. I think my skills speak for themselves. I put down one old geezer bitch last time.....so hell....why not make it two tonight? I was hoping for someone a little closer to my age or even younger but...whatever - I’m an equal opportunity ass kicker. The only thing that’ll be red on Red Sonya will be her fat ass cheeks after I give her the beating of a lifetime!!”

Announcer: “Wow! Folks a highly anticipated match in the works here...it looks like we are going to be getting our money’s worth tonight. Ladies and Gentleman.... Darva Conger is in the blue corner and Bridgette Nielson in the red corner. Now, LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!.


Announcer 1: “Here we go!! Both women are circling each other. Darva is staying back. Bridgette lands the first punch to Darva’s head. Darva is keeping her distance. Here comes Darva. jab Left, jab Right, whoaaa Darva just nailed her with a hook in the side of the kidney.”

Announcer 2: “Damn Bob. Bridgette towers over Darva. She looks absolutely huge out there.”

Announcer 1: “Bridgette is coming back. A jab is blocked by Darva, jab.. jab....Darva’s on the offensive...Uppercut, right, right, LEFT...she’s pushing Bridgette back.”

Announcer 2: “Bridgette’s slowness and age are showing.”

Announcer 1: “They’re locked up...Bridgette fires a right jab into Darva’s head. Followed by another...and another.. Here comes Bridgette!! She’s pummeling Darva Conger now! Darva’s trying to block.”

Announcer 2: “Bridgette is wailing on her!!”

Announcer 1: “Darva attempts a wild punch....Bridgette knocks her in the side of the head...she has Darva against the ropes....left, right, left!!”


Announcer 1: “Darva was saved by the bell. Wow! Bridgette really came out strong there.”

Announcer 2: “It just boils down to the size and the strength that Bridgette was speaking about earlier. I don’t know how Darva can compete. Darva’s eating her words thus far. lol.”

Announcer 1: “Darva looks a little angry about her performance in the first round. Bridgette’s so much bigger than Darva who looks like a little girl out there next to her.”

Announcer 2: “But also keep in mind that Darva is much more athletic and quicker than Bridgette. The longer this goes...the better it may be for Darva.”

Announcer 1: “Well we are going to find out...here comes Round 2!”


Announcer 1: “OK here we go. Darva’s looking a little hesitant. Bridgette lunging in....jab, jab...Darva’s coming back...left, left, right...But Bridgette pushes her back...and Bridgette with a big roundhouse! Darva has her hands up...HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE....WHACK...Bridgette nails Darva another one and Darva’s staggering….”

Announcer 2: “But she’s still up! Wow!”

Announcer 1: “Darva with a big roundhouse of her own...AND SHE CONNECTS! Bridgette fighting coming back....jab, jab.”

Announcer 2: “Whoa they’re hitting each other back and forth here pretty good!! The crowd’s on their feet!!

Announcer 1: “Ten seconds left. Bridgette with a shot to the ribs...Bridgette’s opened up...DARVA with a big right...uppercut to the ribs....left, right to the head...Bridgette is being pushed back...Bridgette lands a punch back at Darva just at the bell.


Announcer 2: “They’re still fighting after the bell!! The ref is trying to separate them.”

Announcer 1: “Darva just spit at Bridgette!! This is intense!!”

Announcer 2: “Well they are finally broken up. Bridgette looks pretty winded over there but it is only going to take her one strong punch to take Darva out.”

Announcer 1: “Darva is getting advice from her trainer and Bridgette looks absolutely irate!! What a match we have here folks!! What will the judges decide when this is said and done?”

Announcer 2: “You could cut the electricity with a knife!!”


Announcer 1: Here it is folks!!! The deciding round!!”

Announcer 2: Bridgette is running at Darva! Swing and a miss by Bridgette!”

Announcer 1: Darva is on the offensive!! She is hitting a flurry of left’s and right’s! Bridgette has her hands up...Bridgette is delivering some jabs...picking her spot...Darva is lunging in...Bridgette is going for the big blow...she swings... AND MISSES! Bridgette goes for another roundhouse...Darva ducks under...Bridgette has her head down...UPPERCUT by Darva...left, right...she’s got Bridgette peddling backwards! And Darva’s on her like a cat!! Darva pounding on her...another desperation swing and a miss by Bridgette...she wide open again...BIG UPPERCUT by Darva...and Bridgette’s back is on the ropes. Darva’s pounding on her!! Bridgette has her hands up in desperation!!”

Announcer 2: “Darva is beating the crap out of Bridgette!!”

Announcer 1: “Darva keeps on pounding mercilessly!!! Darva with a HUGE roundhouse right to the side of the head!!!!! Bridgette goes down HARD!!!!!!!! She’s NOT getting up!!”


Announcer 2: “I can’t believe it!! Darva Conger defeated Bridgette Nielson!!”

Announcer 1: “I can’t believe she knocked Bridgette out COLD!!”

Announcer 2: “Darva has the mic!! She is getting down in Bridgette’s face. I want to hear this!!”

“Not so tough, huh Bridgette? I told you you ere no match for me, the old bag,” Darva hissed. “And don’t even think of challenging me again because next time I’ll hurt you for real.” Darva then once again spit in Bridgette’s face and then smiled all pretty and blew her proverbial kiss to the crowd and said...”Now...who’s next?”