Sheryl Crow vs. Madonna by Harry 3/29/01

The 43rd Grammys from Los Angeles were the perfect opportunity for the female stars of screen and music to renew rivalries and settle old scores. The highlight was Toni Braxton in her minimalist 'dress' which drew many catty comments from those women who disliked her. This served to obscure the long rivalry between Sheryl Crow and Madonna, which the two women settled after the event. The two singers had exchanged words over a number of years, but had never quite been able to be get to grips with one another - differing schedules, one attending and awards ceremony that the other didn't and then Madonna's pregnancy.

Having delivered her second child and married, Madonna intended to settle the old score and show her new husband (British film director Guy Ritchie) what a real catfight was all about. It was surprisingly easy to organize - both women were staying at the same Hotel - and what was the harm of an additional room booked for Madonna's entourage? It took only a few sly comments in a pre-event interview to reopen the argument. When Sheryl took the bait and rang up to let forth a stream of abuse at the Material Girl, it was suggested the appropriate way to settle matters would be in room 4115 an hour after the close of the awards ceremony.

Madonna, having opened the show, was ready and waiting (having satisfied herself that the necessary room and video arrangements, of which Sheryl knew nothing, had been made). Then the door opened and Sheryl walked in. Madonna, who had been lying on the floor stood and eyed her opponent. Sheryl had, like Madonna, come straight from the ceremony and had no opportunity to change from her outfit - black lace up calf boots, black and white knee socks, black shorts, belt and a sleeveless top with a plunging V to her waist and her shoulder lengthy blonde hair natural. Madonna too was in the outfit she had performed in, chunky white trainers, faded green combat trousers, black vest top through which the outline of her bra-less breasts could be clearly discerned and her hair also woes natural. The two women faced off in the middle of the main areas of the room, with the bedroom and bathroom on opposite sides, which had conveniently been stripped of furniture.

"Surprised you had the nerve to show!" sneered Madonna, clearly relishing the prospect of a fight as they started to circle slowly

"Been looking forward to kicking your skanky arse for ages bitch!" snapped back Sheryl. "You're the one whose been doing the avoiding."

"Well I have a real music career to enhance bitch!" retorted the Material Girl bringing her hands up out of her pockets.

"So that's what you call your piss poor performing skills do you?" replied Sheryl who stepped forward and the two women locked up hand to hand. They grappled, each seeking an advantage but only strained their muscles and moved around in a lazy circle as they swayed. As the lent over it was Madonna who broke off with her right hand and used it to take hold of Scherzos expensively groomed hair, the tug eliciting a grunt from her. This also allowed Sheryl to take hold of Madonna's blonde, and currently more wind swept appearing, hair. Within seconds both women were engaged in a two fisted hair pulling struggle, whilst bent over double at the waist. Although each sought an opening to exploit by trying to drag the other by the roots of her hair, in reality they were deadlocked.

This was not what Madonna wanted, and in truth she had thought that this would be a quick and easy victory. Madonna let go with her left hand and now used it to slap her blonde opponents breasts, which like her own were clearly unencumbered by a bra tonight and she had a good view of cleavage. Sheryl's black outfit offered absolutely no protection to the open handed blow delivered by an experienced catfighter and she squealed. But Sheryl was no novice at this game and she was able to adjust her hair pulling so that she now grabbed the hair at the back of Madonna's head. Not only did this make Madonna wail (like a virgin touched for the very first time?) but her head was pulled up as well.

"Talentless bitch!" hissed Madonna as she maintained the one hand grip on Sheryl's hair while using her other hand to grope for a breast.

But this wasn't on Sheryl's agenda and she used her more painful grip on the material girl's hair and started dragging her around the room. This definitely got Madonna's attention so she decided to retaliate and did so, pulling on Sheryl's expensive black top. No sooner had she taken a handful of cloth then Sheryl put all her effort into swinging Madonna so she was painfully introduced to the wall. The collision knocked the wind out of the blonde and while Madonna tried to recover from this painful blow (note the wall was undamaged) she let go of Sheryl. Suddenly, Madonna felt herself pulled upright by the roots of her bleached blonde hair. As Sheryl's sneering face came into view, Madonna placed one foot on the wall to steady herself, but this provided no protection from a punch to the stomach that Sheryl delivered with more than a little relish. The material girl squealed with pain and anguish as the fight took an unwanted, and for her unpleasant, direction.

"Like that do you Madonna?" sneered Sheryl who was growing more confident.

But Madonna had a deep pool of catfighting experience and was far from finished. She used her foot against the wall to push herself forward and into her opponent, which in turn pushed Sheryl backwards so that she stumbled and fell backwards. In doing so her flailing legs became entangled with Madonna's and the two singing stars fell to the floor. Sheryl took the worst of this as she hit the carpet and then Madonna landed on top of her, so that she was stunned and winded. Madonna took advantage of her better condition by moving to sit astride her opponent, whilst reaching up with left hand to take a hold of her hair. This started to bring Sheryl to her senses, coupled with Madonna bouncing up and down on her stomach. But what really brought Sheryl back to the fight was Madonna using her right hand to rip open her black top and exposing her breasts.

"Filthy slut!" shouted Sheryl as she reached up intent on grabbing Madonna's now sweat dampened hair.

Madonna wasn't playing, however, and she arched her back to move head out of Sheryl's reach. Instead, Sheryl clamped both hands across the Madonna's breasts which were clearly outlined through her skimpy vest top. Madonna grunted at the sensation and, in retaliation released Sheryl's hair so she could use both of hands to attack Sheryl's bare breasts. This was like an electric shock to Sheryl and she began to buck and squirm, trying to throw her opponent, but not letting go. Both women began to squeal more and more loudly. Madonna now upped the ante by turning her experienced fingers to tweak and caress her opponents nipples, but her intention was not pleasurable. Sheryl fought back the pleasurable sensations and continued to squeeze Madonna breasts.

But it was to much for her and accompanied by a scream of 'Oh shit!' she released her hold and instead ripped Madonna's hands away from her sore breasts.

The smirk of triumph across Madonna's smug face only motivated Sheryl to inflict serious revenge as they grappled. Her bucking and writhing now paid off as Madonna began to slide off . In an effort to keep her dominant position Madonna went for Sheryl's now less than immaculate hair. In turn this was all the incentive that Sheryl needed to grab Madonna's locks as they began to again roll around on the floor seeking an advantage. As they struggled Madonna sought an opportunity to return to attacking Sheryl's breasts, but this was countered by Miss Crow ensuring that their bodies were as close together as possible. It wasn't long before both women realized that nothing was being achieved and they allowed one another to roll clear so they could resume the fight. Sheryl rose to her knees and discarded her once expensive designer top, her nipples still quite hard. This made Madonna smirk as she got to her knees, "Want some more honey?".

Sheryl let out a shriek of 'bitch' and flung herself forward, using both hands to grab furiously pull at Madonna's insubstantial vest top. Madonna responded by taking hold of Sheryl's hair intent on making her suffer if she wanted to rip off her top. As the sounds of tearing and ripping grew Madonna started to pull hair harder but this pain (and the lose of some strands of hair) were no detergent. It was only as the left side of the garment gave way that Madonna moved to defend herself, but it was already to late.

The garment began to fall apart and Madonna's own oft seen breasts came into view. Satisfied for now that she had some measure of payable, Sheryl now resumed her two handed hair pulling attack against the material girl. Madonna responded by getting a in a quick slap across Sheryl's face before turning her own attention to hair pulling. The two stars swayed back and forth, breast to breast in a hair pulling battle both believing that they were gaining an advantage. Sheryl slipped one hand down from her opponents blonde hair and started to pull on the sad remnants of the top. As it came away from her sweaty body Madonna thrust her body forward so that her now rock hard nipples pressed against Sheryl's breast flesh.

As Sheryl grunted and groaned, Madonna emphasized her perceived superiority by grinding her nipples into her opponents body while using her hair pulling to hold Sheryl in place. But Ms Crow wasn't idle during this. Having thrown aside Madonna's vest, she plunged her hand down the back of the Material Girl's trousers and took a firm grip on her tight butt. Her skimpy panties (a wedding present from Guy she'd worn just for this fight) offered no protection. Madonna groaned aloud and arched her back, thrusting her crotch against Sheryl's.

"Whore!" whispered Sheryl hoarsely as she raked her nails on Madonna's soft flesh.

"You should be so lucky!" snarled Madonna fighting back the desire to express her discomfort more vocally. But she did redouble her hair pulling and was rewarded by a grimace across Sheryl's face. But just as Madonna felt some relief as Sheryl removed her hand from the sweaty gap, she was swept by a new wave of pain as Miss Crow grabbed the waist of the combat trousers and pulled hard. The rough inner seams of the trousers were cruelly pulled into the delicate areas of Madonna's crotch where they bit hard. Madonna panties might have been sexy and a turn on to her husband, but they offered absolutely no protection, and she screamed; but on the 79th floor no one can hear you scream!

Madonna convulsed and felt like retching at the pain and urgently put all here efforts into pushing Sheryl away from her. Sheryl held on for dear life as Madonna's hands swept over her body and she shook her head from side to side thinking that the material girl was intending to attack her eyes. But the truth was that Madonna was flying on instinct and right now her instincts screamed that she needed to end the pain.

That was when Madonna grabbed Sheryl's left nipple and twisted so hard Sheryl let go of her as if she were red hot! The two women fell away from one another. Sheryl briefly massaged her nipple while Madonna backed away. The singer/songwriter's both lashed out with their feet, landing half hearted blows from which Madonna suffered more from Sheryl's boots than Sheryl did from Mo's trainers.

Once clear of her fellow blonde, Madonna gently pulled down her combats to bring relief and then opened them up so that she could massage herself. Normally a pleasurable experience, this was the middle of a catfight and the only pleasure she really wanted was from the sensation of humiliating Sheryl and getting it all on tape when she did.

Madonna was disturbed by these thoughts as Sheryl leaned over her casting a shadow as she took hold of Madonna's hair with one, to hold her in place and clamped the on her left breast, squeezing. Madonna reacted instinctively by reaching up with both hands and taking hold of her opponents blonde hair, pulling hard. When, after a few moments, this brought no relief from the assault on her breast Madonna clamped one hand round her throat and started to squeeze. Sheryl let go of Madonna's breast, as had been intended, to break the choke hold.

But Madonna was able to push herself up from the floor so that the two singers were a sweaty snarling mass of limbs and ripped clothes rolling across the hotel room floor.

As they battled Sheryl sought to keep her breasts, which had already been subject to Madonna's attentions, close to her opponents to prevent any more punishment being meted out, while using both hands to pull hair. Slyly she also tried to use her boots to pry and force off Madonna trainers. Madonna meanwhile was trying to use her double hands hold on Sheryl's hair to pull her away from her so that she could attack her breasts. But the strategic aspirations counted for little as they rolled back and forth across the floor.

After several moments of painful but largely unrewarding hair pulling, Sheryl found her self of top, albeit slightly at an angle to her opponent and began to shake Madonna's head from side to side by the roots of her hair.

"Is that some grey I see!" Sheryl sneered.

Her taunting words were cut off by a pained groan when Madonna snapped her head back sharply. As Madonna tried to roll them over, Sheryl removed one hand from he opponents hair and put it under her chin and pushed. Now it was Madonna's turn for her anguished cries to fill the room. But it did cause Sheryl's body to start to move away from Madonna's and when Sheryl felt the pain in her hair disappear she took it to be a sign of imminent victory.

Actually it was only a prelude to Madonna grabbing hold of both of her breasts and pulling. Sheryl's whimper soon turned into a scream as she let go of Madonna's hair and tried to protect herself. But her natural reaction allowed Madonna to roll them both over so that they were laying face to face lying on their sides.

Sheryl wanted to get away, and having lessened the pressure on her breasts, tried to roll away. But her legs were still tangled with Madonna's so she could go no where. In desperation, Sheryl thrust her left hand toward Madonna's combat trousers. Just as quickly, Madonna ceased her breast attack and used one hand to grab Sheryl's hair while she shoved her right hand to Sheryl's shorts.

"What you want down there honey!" whispered Madonna hoarsely as she pressed her crotch against Sheryl's.

Sheryl placed her spare hand on Madonna's right breast and squeezed. Madonna arched her back in pain and as a consequence pressed her crotch harder against Sheryl's shorts. Just as Sheryl thought she was making progress, Madonna drove a fist into her stomach. The punch had no apparent affect, so Madonna repeated the attack twice, three times! Eventually Sheryl could take no more punches and wrapped an arm around the Material Girl's body to pull her protectively close to her. Madonna' shrieked with frustration at this development but turned her attention to sinking her fingers into Sheryl's long blonde hair and pulling. Sheryl could only respond with one handed hair pulling and attempts to scratch her in reply.

In desperation, Sheryl pressed her mouth against the Material Girls shoulder and sank her teeth into the sweaty flesh. Madonna howled and pushed her opponents head away and was pleased to see that although it hurt but no blood had been drawn. This did allow Sheryl to roll away to collect herself and figure out how she was going to turn this fight around, this had been her toughest fight in some while and she was nearly at the end of her tether. Having paused for a moment, she rolled over to look for Madonna only to receive the sole of a trainer to stomach. She wailed with pain and rolled in the opposite direction, but could hear Madonna in pursuit.

Sheryl tried to get up onto her hands and knees but felt Madonna get astride her back and take hold of her hair, then start to pull hair. Sheryl screamed as her head was pulled back, but there was little she could do. As that was in reach of her hands were Madonna's combats which were not going to be easily ripped. When she tried to buck and through her opponent Madonna responded by putting one hand under her chin and pulling. It took only a few seconds of this before Sheryl was calling out her surrender, close to tears of pain.

Madonna clung on for several second to make certain and to emphasize her win before taking the winners spoils, as was traditional. There was no speech thanking all those concerned although the full glory of the moment was caught on the video that Madonna took to show her husband later on. As for Sheryl when Madonna had finished with her, the sun was creeping into the sky and tearfully she slunk back to her room clutching what remained of her outfit and that which hadn't been taken as a trophy.