More from “simguy’s DVD Collection - “Apartment House Tag Teams” by simguy
Picture a large Penthouse carpet space with 'end zones' at either end; maybe 5, 10 feet away from either wall. One-on-one competition occurs in the large ‘midfield’ while partners hang around in either endzone. IF you push, pull, drag or muscle your opponent back into YOUR PARTNER’S end zone, doubleteaming is allowed (encouraged!) Nothing separates the end zones - just a line on the carpet. While 2 on 1 is permitted in the end zone, you've got to take the beaten vixen back to the middle zone to pin her; victory can't be accomplished in the end zone - only punishment.

I'm sure I've got a couple Apartment Tag DVDs around here somewhere - let me take a look….
Match One: “Comeuppance" - Sarah Carter/Kristen Bell vs Eva Longoria/Kristin Kreuk

Cover: montage of Bell and Carter (wearing black cotton two pieces, scrappy ponytails) stomping away on a fallen Kreuk in red cotton two piece and slick low ponytail; a large headshot of Longoria (slick low ponytail) with an urgent expression; a large pained expression on Bell's face as she lies on the carpet.

Back of the box reads: "After tearing up the competition in a series of two on one mismatches, blonde jackals Bell and Carter are confronted by previous victims Longoria and Kreuk in a bout that's as personal as it is professional. Wriggling hundred-ten pound beauties in a four girl free-for-all that is a must for fans of sleek physiques and good old poetic justice.

Special features include:
Mini-doc: "Blonde Jackals" - recounting Carter and Bell's triumphs over Kreuk, Longoria and other quality brunettes with the two-on-one advantage!
Behind the scenes footage of Bell and Carter nearly coming to blows over wardrobe selection for the match!
Interviews with Longoria and Kreuk show how this reluctant team finally gelled to meet the blonde menace!
Bonus sparring session footage, Longoria versus Kelly Ripa!

Random Scene Selections:

Scene 2: "Hard fighting" - Mid-ground fighting as Bell Battles Longoria (red cotton two piece, slick low ponytail) one on one. Eva labouring on her knees, face tight, eyes closed, Bell lathering bony lefts and rights against Longoria's svelte ribcage from the kneeling position. Carter sitting prettily in her endzone with her knees drawn up to her chest, rocking gently while watching the fight. Kreuk pacing the endzone line, hands on hips, hands at her head as Eva struggles early in the bout.

Scene 5: "Jackal attack" - Bell and Carter make hay, doubleteaming Kreuk in the blonde endzone. Kris and Sarah utilizing the back attack that proved so successful against Kreuk in an earlier 2 on 1: they ply the lithe brunette with alternating boston crabs and camel clutches. After patiently reducing their victim, the girls rolls Kreuk back into middle ground...and promptly begin bickering about who will score the pin! "I did all the work!" Carter shrieks, pointing at her chest. "My clutches hurt her more - you heard her!" Bell shouts. Dazed Kreuk able to shake off the punishment and escape as blondes fritter away a golden opportunity.

Scene 10: "Carter brutalized" - Longoria wraps up under Sarah's arms and in an impressive show of slender leg strength, drives Carter the length of the carpet into Kreuk's waiting arms. Sarah panicked, trying to bull her way back to midground gets stacked up by both lithe brunettes and dropped to her back like a sacked quarterback. Brunettes on their knees, working hard with punches at the breasts, ribs and struggling litte tummy of their captive - Carter trying to roll over, but can't get off her back against. Sounds of Sarah's shrill bleats and brunette's plunging knuckle-work on meat and bone fill the room.

Scene 15: "Kreuk in trouble...again!" - Kris takes another round of doubleteaming in the blonde endzone. Kreuk on her back, Bell to her left, Carter to her right, lying down beside her. Each blonde has an arm tucked up in a firm arm-bar, resting their ponytailed heads on carpet as they reef and tug at Kreuk's shoulder muscle. Kreuk's face clenched in pain - her knees flopping side to side, her feet pushing or stamping at the carpet. Sometimes, the blondes will lightly scissor up either Kreuk leg to calm her, totally immobilizing her. Sight of either blonde face - smiling, flushed, almost tranquil - contrasted with the agony of Kreuk makes this scene worth the price of the whole DVD ($29.95 by the way).

Scene 22: "Bell's Turn" - Kris Bell gets worked over by angry brunettes. Bell on her back, groaning as Longoria plays with her left leg, Kreuk the right. Brunettes working independently at times - Longoria scissoring the limb up and applying a knee-bar ankle lock while Kreuk puts knee drops into Bell's quad. Brunettes lifting both legs and wishboning Bell to no apparent purpose (can't pin a girl in the endzone). Girls stretching the limbs out to either side, seeing how flexible Bell is: Kristen crying out, hands fluttering to her burning groin as she tilts her head back into carpet in agony. Finally concerted action as brunettes agree to work either leg with knee-bar ankle locks, scissoring one slender limb a piece and reefing away! Brunette ponytails dancing and swishing - apartment filled with high pitched sobs of blonde agony, Bell beating her fists impotently against the carpet.

Scenes 23-26: Longoria's the freshest beauty - all others severely drained by lengthy doubleteams - but blondes starting to run out of gas. Tag for tag, brunettes are stronger - one blonde after the other repulsed in heavy midground fighting, back to lick her wounds while the other gets her ass kicked. Kreuk able to recover as Longoria holds the fort, then brunettes are tagging in and out like clockwork, sustaining a high tempo, exhausting the last of blonde reserves. Longoria and Kreuk's eyes bright, cheeks flushed, ponytails swishing diligently - their movements are all crisp and deliberate - they're very purposeful, know what they want to do when they get tagged. Carter and Bell are hurt, disoriented, reactive - their faces are haggard, strands of hair loose about their eyes, mouths open: they've basically lost the energy-management battle and are now being sweated into extinction by the more orderly, disciplined duo.

Scene 27: “Endgame” - Doubleteam for woozy Kris Bell. Longoria gets her up in an airplane spin, setting the blonde down reeling: Kreuk charges through with a full bodied tackle which drives Bell back into midground. Hook of the leg, Kris using her left forearm to shove Bell's face to the side - tuff 1,2,3 sounded out as poor Kris can't kick out. Longoria races past to intercept Sarah Carter coming in to interfere - she lays the blonde out with a running clothesline to leave both blondes flat and moaning on their backs.
Match Two: Kelly Hu/Julie Chen vs. Elisha Cuthbert/Kaley Cuoco

Back of the box reads: "Blonde assassins Hu and Chen square off against the hot young Hollywood duo of Cuoco and Cuthbert in thrilling tag team action. It's experience versus youth, guile versus brute force, Sun Tzu vs. The Gap in this wild battle of polar opposites.”

Special features include:

Interviews with Hu and Cuoco recounting their individual encounter that saw Kaley post a resounding upset win - complete with highlight footage!
Partner selection footage: Kaley Cuoco watches as a number of blondes wrestle for the chance to be her partner on the DVD. See flat-mat gymnasium workouts between Cuthbert/Hilton, Ripa/Watts, Bello/Shue, Ledford/Eleniak!
Scene Selections!"

Random scene selections:

Scene 3: "Blonde down!" - Kaley's in hot water early, double teamed in the Chen/Hu endzone. Cuoco (baby blue push up, navy hipster bottoms, ponytail with long bangs framing her face) reclining atop Hu's (black push up, yellow hipster bottoms, low slick ponytail) haunches as Kelly kneels in behind, pulling the blonde's arms back. Kaley's legs scissored loosely about Julie's hips (Julie's outfit identical to Kelly's) as Chen leans forward to apply a vicious stomach claw. Julie with an unspeakable smile, glorying in Cuoco's plaintive moans and cries, leaning in with weight against blonde's abs. Kelly basically restraining Kaley, but occasionally pulling back on blonde chin with the left hand to smash the right forearm across perky Cuoco breasts.

Scene 6: "Rough-house!" - Chen and Cuthbert (hot pink bra and panties) brawl one on one in the middle ground. Julie getting ragdolled as Elisha slaps her face, grabs her head and scores running bulldogs, tackles her about the waist and drives her to carpet. Chen's eyes wide with shock throughout, on her heels, practically running for her life as an angry blonde just keeps stomping after her. Chen on her knees, about to receive a head-pounding from a standing Cuthbert - reaches behind Elisha's thighs to pull her into a headbutt to the crotch! Dishelved and snivelling Julie crawls sobbing to tag up with Kelly, as gasping Elisha struggles to make it back to Kaley.

Scene 8: "Betrayal!" - Kelly looking to tag out with Chen, but Julie shakes her head, wincing and grabbing at her left knee as she sits on the carpet "I can't," Julie whimpers, "Kelly, I'm too hurt!" Hu abandoned to her fate, knows it's now effectively two against one as blondes regroup in the background.

Scenes 10-22: Simguy Summary - basically Kelly being steadily worn down as blondes tag in and out against her. At one point, Hu even manages to wrestle Cuthbert into the Asian endzone, but Chen still won't join in, clutching her knee and claiming incapacity. Both blonde girls showing respect for Hu, reserving glares of disgust for Chen, but neither's letting up one bit on Kelly. Hu increasingly bullied - really devastated by Cuthbert's kamikaze tackles, Cuoco's standing clotheslines. Blondes pull Hu into their endzone at will, taking turns holding Kelly from behind for systematic body work. Hu just tilting her head back onto blonde shoulder and sobbing aloud: she just can't hold back all this effervescent blonde beef. Kelly sputtering, staggering around in the final stages - blondes pulling at her trunks to boss her around. Hard to watch.

Scene 23: "Tag" - Kelly stands out on her feet, hands dangling at her sides - hard working Cuthbert holds the back of Kelly's trunks at the waistband while tagging Cuoco in. Kaley assumes the grip on Kelly's trunks with her left hand and plows a devastating right forearm smash into Hu's lower back. Kelly sobs aloud, drops to all fours, reaching back to clutch at the savaged area with her right hand.

Scene 25: "Tag" - Kaley reaching in under sleepy Kelly's arms walks Hu back and reaches out to tag Cuthbert. Kaley then holds Hu firm about her upperchest so Cuthbert can start her out with an unopposed smash to the kidneys. Kaley sidestepping and letting Hu drop to her knees - blonde just swishing into her endzone, re-adjusting her ponytail. Cuthbert advancing workmanlike, slapping her hands down on Kelly's shiny back with a sweaty smack for more work.

Scene 27: "Body Blow" - Kelly out on her feet, face all dejected and slack with hurt, hands dangling - Kaley uses her left hand cupped firmly under Kelly's chin to prop her up a bit, then BURIES a right hand down and into the breadbasket. Kaley's right leg coming up off the carpet as she gets into Hu with 100% Cuoco behind the shot - poor Kelly groaning, hugging herself, doubling over as she babysteps backwards and collapses to carpet in agony on her left side.

Scene 28: "Bruising Double Team" - Kaley on her haunches, holds Kelly loosely behind her knees in the crook of either arm. Hu lies on her back insensate, hands at her side, face all shiny and wet, eyes closed, lips parted. Grinning Cuthbert just working leg drops to the face and chest - landing 'em, rolling to one knee, standing, straightening out her bottoms with a feminine flick, then resetting to give Kelly more. Thunderous crash throughout the room - glassware off camera tinkling with the vibration. Hu utterly devastated, not even whimpering at this point.

Scene 29: "Finish Her!" - Kaley and Elisha on their knees, rolling Kelly like she's a persian rug - they push Asian Deadweight back into the middleground. Cuthbert claps Kaley on the butt as both girls rise onto their knees - Cuoco stands, steps to Kelly, and drops an elbow drop into Hu's sternum as though Kelly were still a viable force! Sleepy gurgle and cringe from Hu - she's trying to cover up, but now she's eating belly as Kaley moves in strong, tummy pushing Kelly's face towards the camera, hands reaching to pull snugly up on the legs of Kelly's bottoms - Cuoco looking back over her right shoulder with a big smile as someone shouts a three count off camera. Cuoco rising, clapping a double high five with a grinning Elisha - firm young bodies standing around, hugging and congratulating each other as Kelly rolls gingerly onto her side, hugging unconsciously at her ravaged body.

Scene 39: "OH NO!" - Julie Chen, miraculously recovered from her injury stands above a ruined Hu, screaming down in shrill mandarin like it's all Kelly's fault. Cuoco and Cuthbert laughing, shaking their heads - Kaley tries to walk Julie back, but Chen enraged, won't have it. Blondes showing palms, telling Julie 'What-ever' and walking away and CHEN GETS AFTER HU! Kelly defenceless as Chen rolls Kelly to her back and crouches between her legs, kneeing the unconscious beauty's crotch while screaming "CHOW HAI! CHOW HAI!" Kelly's hands up above her head in a parody of "I surrender", face grimacing, dimly aware of savage pain emanating from her tenderest regions, but she can't get up or fight back. Chen gives it a few good pumps, then scoots round the side to sprawl atop Kelly and clamp her up in a cheap cross body! Julie Chen wringing a pin out of Kelly Hu in the most heinous backstabbing all year!