DVD collection #30: 2008 Hammy Clamps

BACK OF THE BOX: All but forgotten, the dreaded Hammy Clamp - as a finisher, or weakener - is enjoying a resurgence as the hold of choice for hardhearted celebrity brawlers looking to break the spirits of their demoralized foes. In this collection, you’ll see some of your favourite names taking it out on the glutes and hammies of their bitterest rivals - changing the face of apartment wrestling in 2008!

Scene selections:

KRISTIN KREUK vs. KRISTEN BELL (Exclusive Dominican beach resort, penthouse suite)

(Editor’s note: 2008 was the year Kreuk finally began to turn back the wave of little blonde oppressors who had been steadily hounding her for the past few years. This fight was anticipated to be another Bell romp - but Kreuk - armed with the hammy clamp - would have other ideas...)

Scene 1: A stunned K-bell (pink t-shirt with sleeves rolled up; pink bikini beneath) stumbles around dazed on carpet as a seething Kreuk (baby blue t-shirt with sleeves rolled up over electric baby blue bikini) stalks her. Approaching from behind - Kreuk goes to her right knee, jamming her right hand up hard under Bell’s left glute. Kreuk bares her teeth, eyes staring at the tight meat just inches from her face - her little fingers gripping into the tender line between buttock and thigh. Bell sobs out, swaying on her hips distraught. She looks around to either side, eyes dim with hammy pain. Bell’s left hand reaches back to clutch at Krissy’s gripping paw - the blonde shutting her eyes tight and tilting her head back, lips pressed tight to avoid any more crying out. Kreuk just working her hand in there, eyes squinting with the effort, teeth bared - her left hand gripping her right wrist for extra support. Poor Bell starts whining, shaking her head side to side in agonized protest. She’s stupid with pain and doesn’t seem to know what to do.

Scene 2: Bell limps across carpet, left hand at her throbbing hamstring, face bleak, eyes frightened, hair disheveled. In behind, chortling, happy, Kris Kreuk stalks patiently - grinning at friends in the audience - taking her time walking KBell down. From in behind, Kreuk kicks her right foot against Bell’s crippled left leg with an audible clap. All Kbell can do is moan, stumble away and hope to regroup.

Scene 3: Kicking and punching Bell along the white walls of the suite - Kreuk follows as action spills from the living room into the bedroom. Bell falls to her knees beside the bed - bracing herself by her forearms on the sheets. Unkempt blonde hair covers the left side of Bell’s face: she’s drowsy, growing helpless. Kreuk steps-to, goes to her knees in behind Bell. Snarling, Kreuk reaches her right hand way back, then JAMS it up under that tortured left glute of Bell with a shout of supremacy - sending the tight buttock a-jiggle. Webbing between Krissy’s thumb and index finger disappears into the line between Bell’s glute and thigh - the fingers clenching horribly into humming meat. Bell cries out as camera angle cuts to her face: KBell’s eyes shut tight in anguish, her little fists gripping at white bedspread. In behind, Kreuk’s teeth are clenched, eyes furious as she works her grip into Bell. Cut to the side - Kreuk’s riding her left hand on Bell’s hip - working and kneading her right hand into her trembling foe. “GIVE!” Kreuk shouts. Bell sobs, buries her face in the bedspread, willing herself to resist. We hear a muffled “No!” from the sheets.

Scene4: In between the systematic clampings, Kreuk’s been dishing out conventional punishment - standing Bell up, tugging her t-shirt and slapping her all around the apartment. Here we see Bell on the bed, tits up, arms outstretched: she’s all but out - eyelashes fluttering as her head lolls side to side. Kreuk, standing on the floor, leans in, fixes her right hand into the join between Bell’s right leg and her crotch. Licking her lips, Kreuk works the grip into the tender inner-thigh, closing in around the femoral artery. Bell moans, eyes shut as she tosses her head side to side - her hair a damp mass strewn across the sheet. She lifts her left leg - once a powerful, curvy piston, now a limp piece of battered thigh meat - pushing her left foot against Kristin’s stomach. Kreuk grabs the ankle with her left hand, pulling the leg across Bell’s right leg, getting it out of the way. Bell twists sleepily with her leg, rolling onto her tummy, her left leg bent out to the side, the tortured right leg out straight. Kreuk changes hands, working her left paw in under Bell’s sleepy left glute for a true hammy-clamp - gripping her left wrist with her right hand for support. Kreuk’s left knee comes up, kneeling on the bed for extra leverage as she pushes her body weight down into Bell’s hamstring. Sweat beads on Kreuk’s nose and chin, the droplets bombing against Bell’s buttock with feint little tip-tap impacts. Bell moans, picking her face up off the bed. Her left hand slaps at the bedspread, tapping herself out as Kreuk bites her lip and gives one last happy clench for luck.


(Nothing on the DVD explains how this doubleteam was engineered but we know Song/Hudgens frequently team up to batter unsuspecting individuals. It’s in a penthouse suite setting with an audience; no one lifting a hand to stop this travasty.)

Scene 5: Hayden (in feisty bikini with red/white horizontal bars) is pretty much used up - lying face down on beige carpet. Her face is turned to her left, eyes frowned shut, lips pursed and mumbling.

Song (black bikini with gold ring connections; pretty ponytail with ringlets framing face) and Hudgens (tan and white horizontally barred bikini) move in to spread Hayden’s legs about 45 degrees apart, squatting down on them (Brenda on the right leg, Vanessa on the left). The brunettes are grinning, having a good time polishing hated Hayden off. Bracing themselves with one hand on the carpet at Hayden’s hip, Song and Hudgens start stamping down punches on Panettiere’s conquered glutes (right hands for Brenda; lefts for Vanessa). Brunette’s grunting with effort - their striking arms cocking and unloading rhythmically - shoulders and backs working hard. Camera closes in on buttock - the meat bunching up and jostling as hard little fists stamp in. Camera pulls back: Hayden lifts her groggy head off carpet, lips parted, eyes half shut. “Uhhhh...” she moans, unable to resist this indignity.

Once they’ve worked up a good sweat - the brunettes stop punching - Song licks her lips and winks at Hudgens, and the two scootch forward on the trapped limbs beneath, sitting up pretty. Song reaches her right hand in under the line of Hayden’s left glute - Vanessa works her left hand in: Hayden drowsily alarmed, groans “Nnnnn...” then screams as the grips harden. Hayden’s body tenses with pain - she pounds her forehead into carpet, balling her fists as she screams into the floor. Somebody off camera shouts “They’re hammy-clamping Hayden!”

Song laughs - left hand out to the side as she pretends to ride Hayden like a bucking bronco - then posing with her left hand behind her head - picking her face up, closing her eyes in ecstasy as the right hand pours it to Hayden. Vanessa more brutal, more focused: her right hand grips tight around her left wrist - she’s really cinching and working the fingers in, eyes staring down at Hayden’s ringing glutes.

“IGIVEIGIVEIGIVE!” Hayden shrieks, her pride washed away by the twin clamps savaging her hamstrings.

(Camera fades to black with the holds still in place so we have no idea how long it went on!)


(2008’s a comeback year for Britney. She’s fought a lot of low-key fights, just trying to get herself back into shape, get her timing back. Cheryl Burke’s indicative of the kind of opponent Spears has been working up on: pseudo celebrities, good fighters, but nobody that’s going to make too much noise in the media. The venue is also noteworthy: it’s an undisclosed condo - a deck fronting onto a large, well kept communal green space. Britney and Cheryl have been fighting in the tight confines: the deck appears to have forgiving flooring of some kind, with the railing being all wooden construction.)

Scene 6: Both girls are shabby with hurt, drenched with sweat - action is plodding at this point. Burke (in red twist-top bikini with white bordering; short black hair damp) steps forward as Britney (pastel floral bikini; long blonde ponytail with bangs framing face) stumbles sleepily backward along the rail. Cheryl raises her right arm, pounding the forearm beefily against Britney’s chest: Spears lips purse, blurting in hurt. Cheryl’s left hand reaches idly for the rail behind Britney, anchoring her for more serious forearm smashing against Spears’ meaty chest. Groaning, Britney turns to her left, tummy pressing into the wooden edge of the rail, elbows on top of the rail as she catches her breath. Cheryl mops her brow with her right forearm, looking Britney’s tanned, smooth back over. Burke dips her right shoulder, comes up suddenly with the clamp wedging in under Spears’ quivering left glute. Spears cries out - her face tilted up, shining in the sun - her eyes shut, mouth open as her sobs echo around the intimate courtyard. Cheryl’s left hand palms Britney’s left hip as she works her grip - brunette gritting her teeth, wincing with effort. Suffering, Britney reaches her left arm back, loops it around Cheryl’s head, then slowly twists the brunette into the rail, breaking the hold, and tummying up on Burke. Cheryl, too exhausted to reverse, palms Britney’s hips, grimacing as blonde pushes brunette into wooden edge of the rail. Image fades to black as Britney’s tucking tired, beefy right hands into Cheryl’s tummy while pinning her down...


Scene 7: Jones in crimson Verducci strapless gown struts away from red-carpet interview as Theron in backless black scampers up behind wearing a mischievous grin. Theron reaches her right arm way back as she crouches, then RAMS her hand up under Jones’ majestic left glute. Catherine shocked - coiffured head thrown back as she shouts in pain. Theron gooses away with a maniacal grin, really pumping Catherine - then steps around as Jone’s legs give way! Catherine spilling to all fours, spluttering with rage - dress torn. Theron laughing, glancing back over her shoulder, waving prettily for cameras as she continues on her merry way.


(Kreuk in a green bikini w/blue vine print, hair back in slick low ponytail; at it again - this time on Lohan wearing a navy bikini top/white bottom with baby blue stripes and little anchors.)

Scene 8: Fighters entangled, rolling along the carpet, gripping and slithering around as girls try to secure submissions. Lohan winds up on her tummy, huffing and puffing, blonde hair wild about her face, in her eyes and mouth. Krissy winds up on top, her legs scissored around Lohan’s right leg. Kris lays on her left side, atop Lindsay’s left leg - brunette panting for breath, eyes wild. Consolidating, Krissy snakes her left arm around Lohan’s left leg, securing it, then, slowly and deliberately, she wedges her right hand in under Lohan’s proud left glute. Kris bites her lower lip, smiling as Lohan cries out, her body ringing with rigidity as the clamp clenches home. Krissy snuggles in there - her legs writhing against Lohan’s opposite limb; her left arm getting comfy around Lohan’s left leg, the left hand gripping around her right wrist from underneath; her right hand pushing into tender hammy meat, squeezing. Lindsay screams and screams, face up off the carpet, going purple with rage. She finally bats at the carpet, submitting as Kreuk crows in exultation and crowd bursts into applause.

More confrontations featuring ‘A-list’ celebs: Katherine Heigl, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Garner, Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts, Virginia Madsen, Melanie Griffith and Kate Hudson.

SPECIAL ADDED BONUS FEATURE: Jayne Mansfield shocks Sophia Loren at a 1959 formal dinner. This is one you will NOT want to miss!