Suzanne Somers vs. Farrah Fawcett by Sceej 24-Aug-2000

This fantasy fight took place almost twenty five years ago. For months, discussions have been ongoing at ABC to try to arrange a crossover event between two of their highest rated programs - "Charlie's Angels" and "Three's Company". Originally conceived as a comedy/mystery theme, the script has been through around a dozen rewrites.

Melding the very different themes of the programs was difficult enough, but satisfying the egos of the various stars as regards lines, scenes etc had proved impossible. Particularly difficult were the self perceived "stars - Suzanne Somers and Farrah Fawcett. These two (or would it be more correct to say these four) were the foundation of ABC's "jiggle" television concept. While they had met infrequently, the women had a widely known dislike for one another.

As the scene opens, writers, directors and casts are entering the ABC lobby; most are on their way to the parking lots. The project has been declared dead! Most of the actors are surrounded by fans and tabloid press; an especially large throng surrounds Suzanne and Farrah. Some express disappointment that the long rumoured project is officially canceled.

"Well, we tried to resolve things ..." sighed Farrah airily, "If you want to know why it's not happening, I suggest you speak with Miss Somers."

"Let's all be honest here!" returned Suzanne. "There are some delicate egos involved here. I guess some people ..." she shot a look at Farrah, " ... are afraid of coming up `short'."

Suzanne tittered and jiggled her massive mammaries for the press as cameras whirred.

"Coming up short?" sneered Farrah. "Compared to what? Some people around here's only `talent' revolves around the fact that they're not wearing a bra!".

"And some people's talent is nothing more than a funny hairdo!" giggled Suzanne as she mussed Farrah's hair, upsetting the carefree natural look that took an hour with the stylist to achieve.

Farrah, shocked, responded by slapping Suzanne's face.

"How dare you!" declared Farrah. "How dare you touch my hair!"

People stepped back in shock, forming a human ring around the two stars - Suzanne Somers and Farrah Fawcett were going to have it out at last - in the lobby of the ABC building in front of a flock of fans and press!

The two women eyed each other angrily; they knew that their simmering feud had come to a head. Suzanne Somers was dressed in a red halter top, red leather pants and matching high heeled mules. Farrah Fawcett was dressed in a white cropped T-shirt, denim shorts, white socks and Nikes.

Suzanne Somers stepped forward confidently.

"Bitch ... I'm gonna kick your skinny ass!" she declared, throwing a right hand haymaker at Farrah's head - which Farrah slipped with ease.

"So ... you think you're cute, eh?" taunted Suzanne, swinging with a wild left right left combination.

Only the last left so much as landed, glancing off Farrah's upper arm.

"Owwww ..." complained the pin up queen.

"Oh, did that hurt the widdle angel?" teased Suzanne. "That's nothing, bitch! Try this ..."

Again Suzanne threw a big right hand ... that missed. Although the blonde beauty was beaming with confidence, her friends and cast mates were growing concerned ... she wasn't laying a finger on Farrah!

Loosening up, Farrah began to bounce on her toes. She jabbed - light but accurate, it stung Suzanne's pert nose. Another jab and another, Suzanne's nose reddened slightly. Angrily, Suzanne telegraphed a wild left hook, which Farrah slipped and punished the bigger woman with a right to the head. In seconds, Suzanne's left eye began to blacken.

Suzanne stepped back - stunned, this was not at all what she expected.

A smiling Farrah taunted, "Come on, bimbo, you started this ... can't you finish?".

Enraged, Suzanne aimed a savage kick at Farrah's midriff. The Texas beauty calmly stepped and caught the angry Californian's foot, causing her to hop comically, her `talent' jiggling considerably. Nonchalantly, Farrah slipped off Suzanne's high heeled mule, looking at it and chuckling.

"Size 10!" she laughed. "The slut's got a big mouth AND big feet!" Then she tugged Suzanne's big toe, "Thiiiis little piggy went to market ...".

Suzanne paled considerably.

"Uhm ... you wouldn't (ulp) tickle my bare foot?"

In response, Farrah ran her manicured fingers up and down Suzanne's tender sole, eliciting peals of helpless laughter - Suzanne Somers had EXTREMELY ticklish feet!

Weakened by laughter, Suzanne collapsed to the ground and Farrah was on her in a moment, Rolling her onto her stomach, she quickly unfastened Suzanne's halter top and used it to tie the blonde's wrists securely behind her back.

She pulled Suzanne to her feet by her hair, "Upsy Daisy, slut, I'm not finished with you YET!"

The crowd cheered and cameras whirred as Suzanne Somers face Farrah - topless, bound and hobbling on one shoe! Farrah began to fire rapid fire combinations, each punch slamming into Suzanne's defenseless breasts which flopped in rhythm like twin speed bags.

"Let's give these oversized milk melons a good workout, you cow!" taunted Farrah.

The now crying Suzanne staggered helplessly under the relentless assault. At length, Farrah stepped back to admire her handiwork - both of Suzanne's big tits were pounded black and blue! Beaten and battered, Suzanne was barely coherent.

"Now, I'm going to knock you out, bitch!" declared Farrah, "Stick your chin out!"

Suzanne meekly complied and Farrah delivered a huge uppercut which knocked the blonde flying backward. Suzanne landed on her ass, a goofy smile on her face. Bare-chested and barefoot - she had been knocked clean out of her other shoe. Farrah admired her handiwork as the crowd cheered, including Suzanne's former supporters.

When the press photographed the humiliated Suzanne Somers, Farrah called, "Wait" and - fishing in her purse - produced a felt tip pen and inscribed the words, "FARRAH FAWCETT KICKED MY ASS!" across Suzanne's bare breasts.

"Smile for the camera, slut!" Farrah teased, giving the dazed blonde's bare foot a little tickle and producing a seemingly genuine grin. "NOW ... take her picture!" laughed Farrah, "And make them good! This bimbo is washed up! You won't be photographing her again anytime soon after this!"