"I'd tell him to get Bob Arum or promote it himself, Larry. I'm too busy with the ladies."
"We do have a tantalizing match-up tonight, Don as we're all aware; what with Jennifer battling Jessica. Both women are in top condition after 6 weeks of hard training, yet I hear the NEXT fight you’re promoting is equally attractive."
"That’s right, Larry. Teri Hatcher vs. Denise Richards promises to be a very hotly contested battle, even more so after their shower incident last week."
"I understand both ladies were sharing the same training facility and happened to finish their showers at the same time. So what happened?"
"There was only one bath towel left and both women tried to beat the other to it. A tug-of-war ensued and fortunately (or unfortunately) the altercation was broken up by a couple of members of a women's volley ball team who were training there at the time. But these two lovely ladies just can't wait to get at each other!"
"Can't wait to see that one! Thanks, Don."
"You're welcome, Larry."
After Jim Lampley did a couple of interviews with current celebrities in the crowd, Merchant was back to speak to the two combatants one-on-one. Jennifer Garner, looking sleek and sensuous in a skimpy black bikini, was first. "Jennifer, most people see you as strong and athletic but there are those who believe you aren’t mean enough to compete in this event. How do you answer those critics?"
"I may be a nice girl on the set, Larry, but there’s a killer instinct in me. I was involved in my share of catfights growing up in West Virginia and I handled myself pretty well against some very tough coal miners daughters." Jennifer, her medium length walnut hair tied in a ponytail seemed to blush as she tugged her skimpy black bikini bottom up from behind. Still, it didn’t hide her well formed butt completely. Smiling shyly, she wasn’t prepared for her interviewer's next question.
"Jennifer Lopez has been following these matches. What would you say if she challenged you to enter the sauna with her - with Ben watching to the very end?"
Garner was speechless! How dare Merchant ask this question? But Jen regained her poise and answered, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, Larry. Tonight, all my focus is on Jessica.”
“Well,” Merchant went on. “Jessica has added strength to her body, especially in her legs. She's not the cute little Jessica she was a few months ago."
"Quite right, Larry; she's a worthy opponent. But still, I'm gonnal beat the crap outta her."
Jen smiled sweetly, then walked toward her dressing room. She tugged again at the bikini bottom, secretly fuming at the gall of Larry Merchant for asking her about J-Lo and Ben in the same breath.
Jessica Simpson looked buff and ready for action wearing a red Baywatch bikini. The sexy blond appeared well prepared and she even seemed prepared for Larry Merchant. "Jessica, there are some who attribute your more muscular appearance to a well publicized confrontation with Lindsay Lohan some time ago when you refused to step outside with her."
Jessica smiled, "I've never been afraid of that cow! I was trying to avoid a scene, Larry. In fact, once I'm through spanking sweet Jenny, Lohan will be next - I promise!"
"You certainly appear confident, even brash, Jessica. Not at all like the sweet young girl we used to see."
"I've blossomed into a women,” she purred, looking demurely into the camera. “Someone to be taken seriously. I'm at the peak of my powers and I've just been dumped by a man so I'm feeling quite dangerous these days."
"Well, good luck, Jessica."
"Thank you, Larry, but I won’t need luck!"
Part Two: The Challenge.
With the fight just moments away, both women retired to their dressing room for last minute preparations and viewers were treated to a recent taped interview with ‘Hollywood Bad Girl’, Shannon Doherty. She was first shown punching a heavy bag being held by none other than George Foreman.
"Wow, girl! You sure got a nasty left hook. I'm glad I'm not your opponent." Shannon smiled as the two of them broke for their brief interview. "So who are you calling out, Shannon?" asked big George.
"I want Gena Lee Nolin! C'mon Gena, I'm calling you out! You said you don't shy away from challenges; well, enter the sauna against a REAL woman! Let's see if you're still standing after a few shots to that precious body, baby girl!"
“You are one nasty lady!" exclaimed George.
The tape concluded with Shannon flexing her biceps.
Then viewers saw images of Jennifer and Jessica making their way toward the site of battle, a plush-carpeted, well-heated sauna slightly larger than an elevator. Once inside, they and millions of others watching on television, would discover who was the better woman.
Part Three: The Fight.
As the two combatants loosened up in their corners Jessica flexed her thigh muscles and stretched forward to touch her toes while Jennifer practiced her kicking. Garner standing 5'9”, a good six or seven inches taller than the petite Simpson. She also possessed the reputation as the more athletic, leaving wiewers to ponder whether Jessica's brutal training regimen and newly acquired tough, mean, attitude could ultimately break the spirit of the tall, sleek brunette. This was a $5 million dollar 'winner take all' catfight, but both women were concerned even more with the prestige attached to an impressive victory.
Already glistened with sweat, the two beauties faced each other with bad intentions written all over their lovely faces as Michael Buffer introduced them from outside the sauna with his customary, “Lets get ready to rummmmmmm-bullll!”
A minute later the bell rang and both women came out fighting! Jessica rushed Jennifer but the ‘Alias’ beauty's lethal kicks kept her at bay. Still, Jennifer caught mostly the heated air as Jessica skillfully avoided her attack. Seeing Jennifer off balance during an exchange of blows, Jessica leaped at her ponytailed rival and slammed an elbow to Jen's jaw, knocking her back against the sauna wall.
Taking advantage of her opportunity, Jessica pinned the sexy brunette in the corner and pummeled her with hard punches to her face and uppercuts to her breasts which caused Jennifer's loosening black bra to ride up over her nipples. Angrily, Jen shot back with straight solid punches to the aggressive blonde’s face that backed Jessica up as the brunette inched forward.
The sassy blond caught the taller brunette with a swift kick to her belly, stopping Jennifer’s advance briefly. But Jen again moved forward but more cautiously and Jessica attempted a wild kick to her face. The athletic brunette beauty, moving with catlike quickness, caught the sultry blonde’s leg hip-high in both hands, then began to spin, swinging Jessica around in a circle. Jennifer released her and Jessica smashed into the wall and dropped to the carpeted floor.
Instead of pouncing on the dazed blonde, the sleek brunette beauty calmly removed her displaced bra and tossed it aside. Her breasts beaded with sweat, Jen hitched up the back of her panties while Jessica sat up, slowly regaining her senses. Catching her second wind, the sexy blond looked alive and dangerous as she stalked her taller brunette adversary, both prepared and anxious for another round of battle.
"Ready for some fun, Jenny dear? You should’ve jumped on me when you had the chance," chided Jessica as the two sweat-glistened beauties circled preparing to strike. Suddenly, the blond threw a right at Jennifer's face but a split-second before it landed, Jessica herself was doubled over by a swift kick to her belly.
"Oowwww!" she moaned, holding her stomach and grimacing. The topless brunette struck again, driving a second, harder, kick to Jessica's ribs. "Ooooohhh!" the blond squealed again as she crumpled to her knees.
"Are we having fun yet, little Jessie? I sure as hell am!" Jennifer taunted.
Casually tossing her ponytail, Jen waited for Jessica to struggle to her feet, only to send her sprawling to the carpet again with another swift kick to her belly. Jessica moaned pitifully while Jennifer posed with hands on hips and pretended to yawn as if her encounter with the hurting blond was boring her!
Dropping to her knees in front of Jessica, Jen snapped her knee into Jessica’s groin and grabbed Jessica by her blond hair. The sleek, sensuous brunette hair-hauled Jessica to her feet, kneed her in the groin again, then as Jessica folded forward, Jennifer pulled Jessica's head between her knees, clamped down hard and began to squeeze.
"Had enough, Jessica?"
Jen's black panties needed another good tug upward but she didn't seem to care. Jessica's tears dribbled down the back of Jennifer’s thighs and dropped on the carpet as she quivered, squirmed and screamed; her hands pawing and clawing Jen’s thighs. Finally, Jessica started to wave her arms as if in surrender. Jen at last loosened her devastating grip and allowed Jessica to speak.
"I give up! Please.....no more!" Jessica gasped between labored breaths.
"Are you surrrrrrre, Jessica?"
"Yessss...I'm sure! Please, Jennifer...no more!" the blonde whimpered.
Jen released her overwhelmed rival who dropped to all fours in front of her, raised her arms in victory and faced the camera as beads of sweat raced down the valley between her naked, heaving breasts. Leaving Jessica bawling on the steamy carpet, the athletic young beauty stalked out of the sauna, finally tugging up her sweat-soaked panties.
“Jennifer Lopez, HA!” Jen sneered as she brusquely elbowed her way past Larry Merchant who wasn’t going to get a post-fight interview with the steaming victor tonight - not after he dared mention Lopez’ name in front of her.