Teri Hatcher vs. Vanessa Williams by ceej 11/5/2001

The following conversation took place at the corporate headquarters of Tandy Corp., the parent company of Radio Shack.

"... actually they both have excellent numbers, albeit with different audiences. Why not go with both?"

"Cuts down on recognition - plus there's the budget! You have any idea how much we pay those two? On top of that, they're a coupla goddam divas! Absolutely despise each other! No crossover - no co-promotion opportunity ... no ..."

"Er ... wait a minute, you're telling me Teri Hatcher and Vanessa Williams hate each other?"

"Yeah. Jeez, I though everyone knew that. Why? What's the problem?"

"Uh ... `cause I booked them both to open the new midtown superstore?"

"You did WHAT?!! Oh my Gawd! Quick - get me the store - the manager and security ... I need those two kept away from each other! This could be a catastrophe if they wind up in the same room!"

Meanwhile, across town...The two women smiled coldly at each other.

"What is that witch doing here!" Teri growled under her breath to her hapless agent.

The former "Lois & Clark" star loathed doing these commercials for Radio Shack, especially ones with the idiot football player ... but it DID pay the bills at a time when other offers weren't exactly piling up in her in box. Still stunningly beautiful, the ex-model was beginning to show some signs of aging as she tip-toed carefully, yet inexorably, toward her fortieth birthday. A hint of a sag here, a trace of wrinkle there ... she resented it bitterly. Damn! God isn't fair!

"I'm still gorgeous!" she reassured herself as she'd studied herself in the mirror that morning.

And it would be hard to argue, even if one were brave (or foolish) enough to try. Teri wore a black evening ensemble with a halter top that accented her still firm midriff, a flowing ankle length skirt and black high heeled sandals - clearly over dressed - and she could care less! Her hair was drawn back in a sophisticated bun.

By contrast, her rival was a vision of casual beauty in a lavender blouse, tight black jeans and white running shoes. Vanessa looked every bit as good (better many claim) than the day she'd won her controversial Miss America crown. Vanessa's coffee-colored skin glowed with vibrant beauty and health and she wore her hair back in a simple, yet casual, style.

"What's that old skank doing here?" Vanessa whispered to her flacks, though smiling cordially as she said it.

The helpless PR reps for both women looked at one another helplessly, feeling the volcano rumbling and knowing the were helpless to do anything but stand there and watch the eruption - then run for cover.

For a few moments, the two women stood together, side by side, with phony smiles frozen on their faces as the photographers clicked away. As the photographers snapped away, they mumbled cutting remarks to one another under their breath. Then all hell broke loose!

"I'll teach you, you bitch!" Teri screamed as she smacked Vanessa with an open right hand to the temple.

Teri followed with a left and right to the ribs. Startled, Vanessa stumbled backward. Foolishly failing to follow up her advantage, Teri folded her arms and smiled cattily as she taunted Vanessa who was rubbing her side.

"Seems there's only room for ONE spokesmodel on this dais. Fat-ass!"

Recovering, Vanessa eyed the white woman skeptically.

"That's how you wanna play this?" Vanessa hissed. "Fine ... bring it on bitch!"

Teri jumped down from the podium ... and right into a straight right to the nose! Teri's cute button nose began to swell almost immediately! She regarded Vanessa with hate and horror.

"You bitch! You could have broken my ...".

Her protest was short-circuited by a crisp left-right-left combination to her head that left the brunette reeling unsteadily toward a glass counter filled with cell phones.

Vanessa stepped forward purposefully, grabbed the front of Teri's dress and announced, "Let's lose that awful top!".

Vanessa ripped Teri's halter off with one hard tug.

"Ooooooh, Lord, someone forgot her bra!" chuckled Vanessa. "Just lookit them saggy ol' titties!".

Instead of humiliating her, however, nakedness seemed to shock Teri back to consciousness.

Enraged, she shrieked, "I'll ... I'll kill you for this, you bitch!"

Teri lunged at Vanessa with her claws bard, and absorbed a powerful right to the midriff that left her bent her over gasping for air. Vanessa began circling her gasping opponent, peppering her with light, but stinging punches, accenting them with an occasional hook. The crowd couldn't believe what they were seeing, a genuine celebrity catfight! They cheered wildly and even prevented store security from intervening.

Vanessa began to concentrate on Teri's exposed breasts, taking great delight in her well-aimed uppercuts that made Teri's soft tits flop and jiggle. For her part, Teri was relegated to throwing infrequent overhand rights, telegraphing her punches which missed by a mile. The battered brunette was getting desperate - she was taking a brutal beating - and in public!

Changing tactics, Teri aimed a vicious kick at Vanessa's groin. Sadly for her, she was no where near as quick as the African-American beauty. Vanessa simply caught Teri's foot in mid-air and held her ankle fast, causing the brunette to hop about comically on one leg before Vanessa upended her with a crash.

Vanessa took the dazed Teri by the hair, pulled her halfway to her feet, then spun her around and around until, with an audible rip, Vanessa was left with two hanks of brunette hair in her hands ... while Teri was left with two glaringly bare patches in her scalp.

Teri simply sat down - like Raggedy Ann with all the stuffing knocked out of her. Grinning, Vanessa sashayed over and pulled Teri to her feet. Placing the beaten brunette in a hammerlock.

As she forced her back toward the photographers, Vanessa crowed, "Let's finish those publicity shots!"

The two women were a stark contrast. Vanessa - beaming, confident, beautiful as ever, glowing with a light sweat. Teri - both eyes blackened, her nose red and swollen, bare-breasted with both of her big, soft breasts battered black and blue and two raw bald patches in her scalp.

Mischievously, Vanessa had posed next to Teri under a banner which read, "TRADE IN YOUR OLD WORN OUT STUFF AT THE NEW RADIO SHACK!"

Anyone seeing it couldn't help but know the banner clearly referred to the corporate change in spokesmodels. When a sobbing Teri was unable to muster a smile for the photographers, understandable in her condition, Vanessa placed an arm around her foe's waist in a seemingly conciliatory gesture that drew a nervous grin from he beaten brunette. Unknown to the photographers, the Ebony beauty was secretly tickling Teri to force her to smile.

Finally, Vanessa took off one of her sneakers and her sock and forced Teri to pose kneeling and kissing her sweaty sole and sucking her toes in a sign of submission. When the photo shoot was over, a thoroughly humiliated Teri started to leave, only to find a strong Black hand clutching her wrist.

"Where you going, Miss Thang?" demanded Vanessa. "You still got work to do. Kicking your ass got Vanessa a little horny and you've got to scratch my itch, bitch!"

Vanessa forcibly dragged the barely resisting Teri into a storage room. When she emerged twenty minutes later, Vanessa fairly glowed with a post orgasmic glow. Vanessa was meekly trailed by a sheepish Teri, her pummeled face slick with the wet, fragrant proof of Vanessa's sexual satisfaction.