Sue Anne Langdon vs. Mary Tyler Moore by "Jack Fac"

Sue Anne Langdon never liked Mary Tyler Moore much and one day she came across her while they were both shopping in a Woodland Hills, CA. department store.

"Why if it isn't the old sexpot of our times," intoned Mary.

"Honey," shot back Sue Anne. "You got a ton of mileage with those BIRDLEGS of yours!"

Then she threw back her head and laughed. Mary's face turned bright red as Sue Anne continued her verbal barrage. "The oh-so-cute Laura Petrie/Mary Richards personna! What drivel!"

Sue Anne was ranking big time on Mary and just enjoying this little shopping trip but Mary was enraged.

"Let's you and I settle this with a boxing match," Mary snarled.

"Name the time and place Moore," said Sue Anne, her 'GUNFIGHTER EYES' narrowing in on her prey.

Mary asked if Sue Anne remembered her dance routine on TV years earlier in which Mary wore a sexy dancer's outfit while singing 'Hardhearted Hannah the Vamp from Savannah'.

Sue brushed that one off with, "You'll need to be hardheaded Hannah, cause I'm gonna knock your skinny ass stiff."

A week later at the LA Forum; Sue Anne is outfitted in a sexy bikini and heels and Mary is in the same dancer's outfit she mentioned plus heels.

Mary comes out swinging but Sue Anne bores in close and lands solid body shots which make Mary wince. Sue Anne is strong and fast plus she pastes Mary with unanswered jabs to the eyes. Fairly quickly Mary's eyes are swelling. The first round ends with Sue Anne buckling Mary's knees with a solid left/right combo to the jaw. Sue Anne is in charge and Mary's old TV sidekicks Gavin MacLeod, Betty White and Ed Asner are there cheering for her. So is Dick Van Dyke. Sue Anne has no particular fans and in this fight she needs none! Sue Anne lands a vicious shot to Mary's midriff; the brunette winces as she bends forward just as Sue Anne drops a left hook on her jaw! Mary goes reeling back to the ropes, then sits down hard on her butt! The Forum erupts in pandemonium as Mary sprawls on her back, her head under the bottom rope. Mary's cheering section is losing hope... with good reason. Mary bravely struggles back to her feet, her face black and blue and one eye practically swollen shut. Sue Anne hammers Mary with a brutal right cross that turns Mary's head sideways and sends sweat flying! Mary's eyes glaze over as she struggles to keep her feet....until another left finds it's mark on her jaw and she crashes flat onto her back.

Mary Tyler Moore has been beaten senseless in the first round! Sue Anne marches up to her fallen foe and stands with her legs straddling Mary's heaving chest as she raises both arms and looks down grinning from ear to ear.

"I warned you Moore, didn't I?"

Sue Anne is still celebrating when Mary's handlers come to bring their defeated fighter back to consciousness. As Mary is carried back to her dressing room, her fans file out dejectedly while Sue Anne continues to dance and celebrate in the ring!
Sue Anne Langdon vs. Eartha Kitt by "Jack Fac"

Sue Anne Langdon had wiped out Mary Tyler Moore weeks earlier but in the process she created some ill will among those in show biz who were Mary's friends. Sue pranced about telling anyone who would listen that she'd clean any 'old dame's clock' who wanted to climb in the ring with her. Four ladies were game and got together to draw straws: Eartha Kitt, Leslie Uggams, Raquel Welch and Jill St. John. Eartha won the draw and the others wished her well since she was the oldest of the foursome. The former 'Catwoman' was not short of confidence and felt she had the skill to be Mary's avenger. Word got back to Sue Anne what was coming and she passed it off as a joke... until Eartha confronted her in a parking garage.

"Hey there Suzie Q," purred Eartha. "Heard you think you're the big 'whoop ass' of the older gals crowd."

Sue Anne was surprised. Normally she was the aggresssor.

"Want to find out, you old has been?" roared back Sue Anne.

"Babycakes, I'd thought you'd never ask,' came Eartha's reply.

Fast forward to the L.A. Forum. Sue Anne is a little nervous but still brimming with confidence and pride. Eartha is 'right on' ready to rumble. Both in two piece bikini's.

Both women circle cautiously until Sue Anne tries to use the same tactics she did when she nailed poor Mary Tyler. Her punches find nothing but thin air because Eartha is 'FAST' and counter-punches accurately with clean body shots which make Sue Anne wince. This wasn't expected! Eartha continues to use this strategy with complete effectiveness and scores solid wins in the first four rounds. Now, though, it's round five and time for the kill. Eartha has enjoyed holding this boxing clinic on Sue Anne who has grown arm weary and more frustrated. Sue Anne's eyes are starting to close from all the jabs. She's landed around six good shots to Eartha's midriff but the older gal has weathered this and avoided any head shots.

Early on, Sue Anne finds an opening and does connect to Eartha's jaw. Eartha's legs buckle slightly but she maintains her feet. All the earlier body work to Sue Anne now begins to pay dividends as Eartha delivers a lethal combo of a left-right to Sue Anne's jaw. It's over! Sue Anne's strong legs turn to rubber as she stumbles backward, topples into the ropes and slides down on her butt, then tilts over and drops on her side. The 'Catwoman' grins from ear to ear as her beaten opponent lays there. Eartha is celebrating on her own with raised gloves and is being celebrated.

"C'est si bon!" she yells but the roar of the crowd drowns out her sound.
Sue Anne Langdon vs. Mary Tyler Moore (rematch) by "Jack Fac"

After Sue Anne Langdon had gone down to Eartha Kitt, Mary Tyler Moore decided to hire Eartha as her trainer to help her exact revenge against Sue Anne. Eartha wasn't totally enthusiastic.

"Honey," she said. "You just don't have the strength to fight her."

Mary wouldn't hear of it, of course and into training they went with Eartha sparring with Mary Tyler and instructing her how to slip punches while delivering effective ones of her own. Eartha did 'hold back' in these sparring exercises since she'd have wiped out Mary for sure. Still, Eartha did see Mary's potential if only she could avoid her desire to 'slug it out' with Langdon.

Sue Anne laughed gleefully when she got the call from Mary Tyler issuing a rematch challenge.

"Why Ms. Moore, you haven't learned your lesson yet?" chortled Sue Anne. "I'll just have to decimate your skinny ass this time worse than the time before."

"You're on honey! Plan for a short night!"

Once again the L.A. forum was lit up with a HUGE crowd in attendance anticipating a great rematch.

Mary looked good dodging Sue Anne's body shots along with those lethal overhand rights she'd follow up with. Mary had done a bit of weight training with Eartha and her biceps looked firmer this trip. She landed a solid combination to Sue Anne's jaw plus she then followed it up with a big right hand. Those were hard shots but Sue Anne kept her feet and, though she'd lost the round, she grinned at Mary Tyler and exclaimed, "Hope you got more than that in your arsenal Ms. Moore."

Mary continued to evade the hard shots but then Sue Anne's handlers had her cut off the ring. Quickly she bore in on Mary with vicious body shots and Mary was now in pain. She was backpedaling trying to avoid further punishment. The two of them faced off just before the round ended and Sue Anne landed some hard shots to Mary's midriff just as the bell rang.

This round opened with the crowd abuzz and Sue Anne suddenly threw a brutal overhand right to Mary's jaw. It was a clean connect and Mary staggered back to the middle of the ring where Sue Anne now had the range and began hitting Mary's jaw like a speed bag left, right, left. She nailed Mary with about ten uncontested punches and the ref quickly jumped in to stop this slaughter and moved Sue Anne back a few steps. Mary's legs buckled and she tottered backward, then fell flat on her back as the crowd roared. Sue Anne had once again prevailed!

Sue Anne reached through the ropes, grabbed a bottle of smelling salts and brought Mary around.

Afterward, they were seated at a post fight table with Mary wearing a baseball cap while hiding her battered eyes behind sun glasses as she paid tribute to Sue Anne's superiority and announced she was done challenging the 'better woman'. Sue Anne, never very charitable in the best of circumstances, and not liking Mary anyway, proceeded to take a bottle of Diet Coke and slowly pour it over Mary's head.

Sue Anne announced, "I could've told you that the first time Moore - when we met at the mall in Woodland Hills."

She raised both her arms in victory and strutted away from her well-beaten celebrity foe.
Jessica Lange vs. Ann Reinking (Charity Boxing Match) by "Jack Fac"

Ann Reinking and Jessica Lange had agreed to box three rounds (topless) to raise money for a well-known charity that was perennially hard up for contributions. The two had never met but were contacted by a third party who inquired if they'd be willing to do this "for a good cause." Jessica was familiar with Ann's work on Broadway and knew she was a talented and strong dancer with powerful legs. Jessica had been taking good care of herself physically and liked her chances in this 'match for charity.' Jessica's one-time lover, Mikhail Barishnikov, the father of her child, agreed to train Jessica. Since he was a world famous dancer, Jessica hoped his knowledge would offset any advantage Ann might have.

The night before the fight Jessica was out with friends and all were getting 'psyched up' about the fight. Soon, there was some bragging from Jessica who was well-known to have a strong ego. Unbeknownst to Jessica, however, Ann happened to be in the same establishment and word quickly got back to her about Jessica's 'bad mouthing'. The phrase 'Broadway monkey' and the phrase, "...whose ass I'm going to whip..." weren't well received by the Tony Award winner. Ann walked over and put out her hand out to Jessica as she introduced herself. As Jessica reached out to shake, Ann slapped the stunned actress - hard!

"Tomorrow night you'll find out how sorry you're going to be for opening your big Hollywood yap Lange!" lashed Ann.

The fight was held in Madison Square Garden in NYC and when she was introduced, Ann came down to the ring wearing a knockout thong. Jessica wore a certain designer brand of bikini panties.

Ann is moving smartly around the ring with a fluid grace when she suddenly stops, sets her feet and fires a vicious left to Jessica's midsection which crumples the big blonde in pain. Ann has proven she can hit hard and she quickly delivers several combinations to Jessica's head and body which go unanswered as Jessica retreats in a panic. Ann's jab is really effective and she continually finds Jessica's eyes with the stiff, head-jarring jab. Round one is clearly all Ann Reinking!

Jessica comes out enraged to open the second round and she hammers Ann in the chest with a big right that crushes Ann's small, firm left breast and makes he wince. "I'm serving notice right NOW, you Broadway monkey," hisses Jessica as Ann backpedals momentarily trying to regroup. Once she's got her wind back, Ann again delivers a solid right hook to Jessica's solar plexus and it becomes obvious her plan is to destroy Jessica's suspect body. Jessica is hurt and backing up, red-faced and gasping and Ann senses this could be THE round for her! She attacks swiftly, ripping a whole series of rapid combos that rock Jessica's head. Jessica staggers and leans right into a huge right to the jaw! Jessica drops on her butt, her bare breasts jiggling as she THUDS to the mat, then they slowly flow outward until they lay flat on her heaving chest. Jessica manages to stumble back to her feet just beating the countout, but now Ann is smiling that famous Reinking 'gotcha grin'. Jessica fights with desperation but Ann lands another left-right combination to the head and once more Jessica is spilled squarely on her ass. Stubbornly she again pulls herself to her feet but the Academy Award winning actress is dazed and disoriented and Ann is just having fun now. The dancer clobbers the actress with several severe body shots that leave Jessica is doubling over in pain, sputtering and begging softly for mercy. Jessica never sees the roundhouse right that fells her with for the third and final time! Ann struts away, leaving Jessica flat on her back with one leg stretched out, the other with the knee raised; her arms spread-eagled and her bare breasts slowly rising and falling.

Ann calls to her corner for a top hat and cane which, with the theme from 'Chicago' blaring over the PA system in the background, she uses to perform a 'victory dance' over Jessica's prostrate body as the crowd whoops it up for all they're worth. When the music stops, Ann is standing with her long, strong, legs spread across Jessica who's still out cold, then throws her arms upward in total victory. She twirls her cane and then presses one end down on Jessica's bare breast, flattening it just as dramatically as the tough gal from Washington State flattened the gal from Minnesota.
Sue Bird vs. Elizabeth Berkley by "Jack Fac"

After the fight in which Catherine Zeta Jones wipeout of Naomi Campbell, a good-size crowd had gathered at an L.A. restaurant for some celebatory drinks. Among those gathered were Sue Bird and Elizabeth Berkley. Elizabeth had started out by taunting Sue about her loss to Naomi awhile back and how the story had gotten around that Sue had been beaten senseless and left on Naomi's gym canvas ring floor. This business was getting to Sue big time. Who the hell was some upstart half-ass actress like this one to rank on her anyway? Sue had won two NCAA titles in college on the UConn basketball team and was now a respected guard in the WNBA with the Seattle Storm. Suddenly Sue found herself shoving Elizabeth hard against the bar. They had to be separated but the group could see the 'bad blood' boiling between these two.

"Listen you basketball marvel," chortled Elizabeth. "I'll face you anytime you want. I'm so NOT intimidated by your pro basketball credentials. We're on even footing here."

Sue begged to differ and laughed at Elizabeth's bravado. Still she felt a little bit apprehensive seeing the confidence in Elizabeth's eyes. "Let's make it next week up in Seattle," said Sue. "We'll fight before the home game I have that night. They'll set up a ring so I can knock your skinny ass out and they can play the knockout on the big screen during the halftime."

Elizabeth's eyes flashed, "We'll just see whose ass gets knocked out, big mouth!"

The next week they were in a makeshift ring hurriedly erected on the Seattle basketball floor. Elizabeth had on her 'Showgirls' outfit which consisted of a g-string. It really had the crowd turned on! Sue was in (comparatively) modest bikini brief which read, 'Stormin Sue' on the hip.

The first round began and Elizabeth landed some fast left jabs to Sue's face. Elizabeth was faster on her feet than Sue bargained for. Sue fell for a fake with Elizabeth's left and caught with a right squarely to the jaw and went down like she’d been shot. The showbiz crowd in attendance went nuts and the crowd was getting behind Elizabeth. Sue was up at five but a little groggy. This gal could hit and was quick. Elizabeth continued her advantage with a vicious left/right to the body and Sue buckled. Another right followed and Sue was on her ass as the place went berserk. An upset might be in the making but the bell saved Sue. She went back to her corner where Sue Anne Langdon awaited her. "Stick and move," implored Sue Anne. "She's good so watch it!'

With the first round hers, Elizabeth vaulted right out there where she tasted that good right cross of Sue's. She stumbled back a little. Sue then lashed her with several hard lefts both jabs and hooks, then Sue drove a massive right to Elizabeth's jaw and Berkley fell backward into the ropes. It was her turn to be groggy and dazed. Sue thrust her arms upwards as Elizabeth fell to get her opponent unnerved. It didn't work. Elizabeth fired back hard with body shots and Sue was wincing. They were in the center of the ring slugging it out with Sue getting the better of it as her athleticism was starting to show.

Third round with the fight all even and Sue is now boring in and letting it all hang out. Elizabeth is sputtering from the punishment as she can't seem to follow up whatever damage she's caused Sue. Now Sue is drilling her with one body shot after the other. Elizabeth back pedals but Sue is after her with a fighter's killer instinct. Sue scores a major right to Elizabeth's jaw and Elizabeth’s knees unhinge and she’s dropped like a bad habit. She struggled to get up but Liz is looking at Sue with pleading eyes.

"Let me off the hook Sue," she whined. "You're the winner. I give up."

But the roar of the crowd drowns out her plea and Sue hammers the 'Showgirl ' mercilessly to the deck for the third and final time. Elizabeth's body lies motionless with her left arm extended above her head and the right at her side. The loyal Seattle Storm fans roar their approval for the great comeback Sue had managed. Elizabeth's senseless form is dragged away but not before Sue can whip down her panties and spank her bare butt until it's good and red. The showbiz crowd is disheartened by the ultimate beating Elizabeth took at Sue's hands as the pro athlete has prevailed overwhelmingly. The showbiz types start looking for a 'Bird Hunter', someone big and tough enough to cage this Bird! Who will they choose?
Ann Reinking vs. Suzanne Somers by "Jack Fac"

The heckling and put downs had turned ugly. Ann was 'dissing' Suzanne as a 'huckster' who was pushing a worthless Thighmaster device which was supposed to strengthen the thighs and calves. At the urging of a few gals, the two had gone outside onto the lawn of Sue Anne Langdon's house where they held a leg wrestling contest. Ann beat Suzanne easily and got to her feet mocking Suzanne all the more. Suzanne gave Ann a push and as they were about to really get into it, they were separated.

"Listen you glorified showgirl," snarled Suzanne. "You knocked out that old wimp Jessica Lange but you'd find I'm a different deal. Wanna try me?"

Ann shot her a cool, confident smile and said evenly, "Where and when?"

"Why not Caesar's Palace?" said Suzanne. "Good to go with that?"

"You bet!" said Ann.

Two weeks later, Caesar's was buzzing as the two senior battlers climbed into the ring for their intros. Suzanne looked stunning in a leopard skin bikini which displayed her long, thickly muscled legs. Ann strutted in wearing her skimpy dancer outfit, showing legs that were slimmer, but that rippled with dancer's muscles every bit as strong as Suzanne's. There was an intense dislike between these gals and the crowd didn't expect the fight to last the distance.

The first round began with both throwing heavy leather at the other. Suzanne scored with a hard right to Ann's jaw which drove the dancer back to the ropes, but then Ann fought her way back to the center of the ring where both proud women threw caution to the winds and proceeded to slug it out toe-to-toe!! Each landed head shots and both had blood running from their noses by the end of round one.

The second round resumed right where the first had left off. Each dared the other to throw their best shot and that's what happened. By the end of the second round both Ann and Suzanne had badly swollen eyes and it was clear to everyone neither expected to be winning on points tonight. In their corners, both women were being frantically worked on by their seconds; Sue Anne Langdon for Ann and Shirley MacLaine, a former dancer herself, helping Ann.

Ann Reinking began the third round by cleverly slipping Suzanne's longer reach and boring in with hard body shots. Suzanne's arms were starting to tire and Ann was looking like the stronger woman at this point in the contest. Suddenly, Ann hammered Suzanne with a big right to the solar plexus which doubled the blonde over in pain. Ann followed up with an uppercut right to Suzanne's jaw and as Somers DROPPED on her butt the place went nuts!! Suzanne got up at the count of eight, but she was badly hurt and wobbly. Ann had the 'killer instinct' and she continued pounding Suzanne with solid combinations to the head as Suzanne stumbled backward. Finally, Ann crushed Suzanne's jaw with another right which saw Somer's head shoot sideways, throwing a shower of sweat onto the front row fans. Then came Ann's lethal left hook which landed flush on the right side of Suzanne's jaw! For a moment Suzanne stared vacantly at Ann, then her long, highly-exercised legs buckled beneath her and she fell as though shot, landing tits down on the canvas. After the referee gave Suzanne a quick, but unnecessary, count out, Ann got her patented hat and cane and danced around Suzanne's senseless body to the strains of 'Chicago' just as she had after she wiped out Jessica Lange.

Ann remained 'the senior female celebrity boxing champ' for the time being, but there were others in the audience looking to dethrone her, among them Kathleen Turner and girlfriends Cybil Shepherd and Christine Baranski. But before any of them could fight her for the unofficial 'title' Reinking insisted Turner and Shepherd would have to fight each other for the honor. Ann and Sue Anne Langdon stood hip-to-hip watching and laughing at the sight of Shirley MacLaine on her knees administering smelling salts to Suzanne trying to bring her around.

Shirley glared at Sue Anne and growled, "Screw you bitches!"

"Anytime you want to try it dearie just let me know," smirked Sue Anne. "Good old Mary Tyler Moore tried it and you know what happened to HER!" Stay tuned!
Ann Reinking vs. Donna Summer by "Jack Fac"

Ann Reinking was convinced she had the senior female celebrity boxing crown as long as she wanted it. A few gals had hinted that they may challenge her, but when push came to shove they all backed off. Among the many who came up with excuses were Sigourney Weaver, Kathleen Turner, and Cybil Shepherd all of whom suddenly rememberd they had a ‘clause in their contract’ that prohibited fights; or were ‘up for the lead in a Broadway show’ or (in at least one instance) ‘my feng shui consultant tells me the ring is laid out wrong.’

One afternoon, Ann was at her gym preparing to work out and who should she see but Donna Summer, the former disco queen. Donna was already sweated up from a solid workout and she acknowledged Ann who grunted a hello.

“Heard you been a real hardass in that ring there Ann girl” piped up Donna. “Yeah that's right you 'Disco floozie' chirped Ann. Summer was cool and composed. “I think you got a big head and slow legs girl,” said Summer. “Want to try a little mile race with me? Bet I beat your inflated ass.”

They went for it and Ann took the lead on the 1/4 mile indoor track and maintained it, but Donna was right on her right shoulder. After three quarters of a mile, Donna said, “Here's where we part company, hot shot.”

She blew by Ann as though Ann were standing still. It was no contest to the finish line and Ann could only watch Donna motor to the end. She was dazed but then Donna challenged her to a swimming race in the pool to, as Donna put it, “…cool off your whipped ass!”

Ann thought she could take Donna but the disco gal made mincemeat of the dancer in their two lap race. As Ann struggled home to the finish, she found Donna sitting on the edge of the pool laughing at her. Then Donna glared at Ann and announced that she (Donna) was ready, willing and able to take the boxing crown away from her. Ann was infuriated and immediately accepted the challenge. This was her sacred title and no bimbo like Summer was going to take it away.

The fight was held in Chicago which was Ann's choice. Donna had on her disco costume with the sexy shredded skirt while Ann was wearing her stunning dance outfit.

Donna hit Ann with piledriver force to the body. Ann had never felt such punishment. Donna's footwork was on a par with or even better than Ann's. Donna's legs were shifting all over that ring as she delivered brutal combos to Ann's head which had the dancer rocking back on her heels. Ann was hurt early in the first round which was ALL Donna hands down.

Ann's corner was imploring her to attack and she did, hitting Donna square in the jaw but Donna maintained her feet with no problem and then she waded in full bore. Ann caught a left-right to the jaw and it was all over that fast!

Donna had them play 'Last Dance' as she took Ann's cane and top hat from her corner and danced over and around Ann’s prostrate body. The whole place was in shock but a new Senior's Champion was crowned.

As soon as Ann came to, she told everyone she was no match for Donna and wished the new champ every success. But said she wasn’t going to try to win back her crown. The ‘Summer of Senior Discontent’ had begun!!
Gwyneth Paltrow vs. Patricia Heaton by "Jack Fac"

Gwyneth and her mom Blythe Danner were having dinner at an upscale eatery in downtown LA and spotted 'Everybody Loves Raymond' star Patricia Heaton dining out with costars Doris Roberts and Peter Boyle.

"Who'd believe a woman her age could play the mother of little ones," sneered Gwyneth who'd had a tad too much wine before and during dinner.

"Keep your voice down Gwynnie," hissed Blythe.

But Gwyneth's comment was overheard by Doris Roberts who quickly repeated it to Patricia. With that, Patricia got up from her chair and came over to confront Gwyneth. Her face was scarlet red she was so infuriated that someone like this 'young snot-nosed kid' would dare to diss her.

Gwyneth merely looked up and said, "Yes young mommy; anything I can do for you?"

"Don't pay her any mind," Blythe said quickly to Heaton. "She's a little lit at the moment!"

"Yeah, well that makes two of us," snapped Patricia angrily. "And you should have raised your girl to have better manners, you old crow!"

"Oh go buzz off you old windbag," Gwyneth said, starting to stand up. "Get back to your geriatric friends over there and leave us alone before something 'unfortunate' happens to you."

Patricia had heard enough! "I've got half a mind to kick your up-start ass," she snarled at Gwyneth.

"When and where?" laughed Gwyneth.

"I guess just like everyone else, at the Forum," said Heaton.

"All set for you and good to go!" replied Paltrow. Adding, "Come out swinging."

The following month the two antagonists were introduced at Caesar's Forum in Las Vegas and as they faced off across the referee during the instructions, Gwyneth taunted Heaton.

"Well, I'll be home in time to tuck in my little baby 'Apple' while your three boys will be crying up a storm. When's your oldest one start college?" continued Paltrow.

Patricia had to be pulled away to be kept from attacking the big blonde right then and there.

The bell rang and Gwyneth quickly nailed Heaton with two solid left jabs to the face. She had the height advantage for sure but Heaton charged into Gwyneth and hit her a good body shot that made the younger woman wince - but only momentarily! Gwyneth continued scoring heavily with her left jab and easily won the first round. The frustration was showing on Patricia's face as the referee took her elbow at the bell and pulled her away to her corner.

Once again, Gwyneth hammers Patricia with good still left jab head shots, then her right snaps Patricia's head back. Before the brunette can reset her feet, it's followed by a left-right combo to the body that doubles Patricia up in pain. Her eyes are swelling from those Gwyneth jabs and Gwyneth is having the time of her life as she's dominating. "Enjoy yourself while you're still on your feet, 'Mommy Deb'," taunts Gwyneth. Patricia attempts to unload a right but is beaten soundly to the punch by Gwyneth whose left to the jaw staggers Patricia who stumbles, then FALLS HEADFIRST INTO THE ROPES. As Patricia lays draped over the middle rope, Gwyneth leans over and asks, "Ready to quit yet, you old yuppie windbag?" After untangling herself, Patricia comes at Gwyneth but her wild punches all miss and Gwyneth again hammers the older actress to the canvas on her hands and knees. Gwyneth had ALL the mojo but Patricia stubbornly drags herself to her feet again with only pride sustaining her. Patricia's three boys are at ringside, pleading with her to quit but Gwyneth walks over and leans out over the top rope, telling them with a grin, "Don't worry boys your mommy is done NOW!" Then as Patricia regains her feet and comes rushing toward her, Gwyneth brutally tags her with yet another left-right combo!! Patricia's eyes glaze over a second before she crumples to her knees and then topples over, landing face down before slowly rolling onto her back, sprawled helpless at Gwyneth's feet with her right arm draped across her eyes and her left arm flung out to the side.

"Here, come get Little Debby," chides Gwyneth, gesturing to Ray Romano who, along with Doris, Peter and Brad Garrett scramble into the ring to revive the beaten Patricia. After she's brought to with smelling salts, a red-faced and humbled Patricia meekly goes over to Gwyneth's corner where she raises Gwyneth's right hand in a symbolic gesture of her superiority as the capacity crowd roars their approval at her good sport gesture.
Linda Kozlowski vs. Halle Berry by "Jack Fac"

Halle was looking her usual radiant self at a Hollywood cocktail party that included the old 'Crocodile Dundee’ man himself, Paul Hogan and his lovely blonde wife Linda Kozlowski. Halle had met Paul once before and she came over to say hello. She gave him a little peck on the cheek and Linda didn't quite know what to say. She thought Halle was a tad forward with her man and said so.

“Buzz off you loser” snarled Linda.

“Ah Luv it was only a little friendly peck wasn't it Halle?” laughed Hogan.

“Listen,” said Halle. “You're nothing but a stinking homewrecker. You grabbed this guy from his wife of many years, so don’t play Holier than Thou with me lady,” she continued.

Linda spotted an opening and dove right in, “More than I can say for you, with the two clods you married!”

Halle was enraged and she leaped at Linda and drove her nails into Linda's face drawing blood. Hogan pulled them apart and tried to calm the waters by offering a solution satisfactory to both wildcats.

“Listen gals, why don't we settle this little spat with some nice kangaroo boxing gloves?“

Both women were more than ready, they were eager to get down to business. An impromptu ring was set up outside and the opponents got dressed for the match. Halle in her 'Die Another Day' bikini while Linda sported her stunning one piece thong from ‘Crocodile Dundee’. The cheeks of Linda’s ass were still as great looking as ever and her legs were firm and strong.

Halle was the quicker by far as she scored with fast left jabs, then darted out of harm's way when Linda swung her hard right. Halle was feinting Linda out of position badly and scoring with solid combos inside to the head. Round one was hers by a wide margin and Paul consoled his wife in her corner, asking if she wanted to give in at that point.

Linda shoved Hogan aside and raced to the center of the ring where she drilled Halle mercilessly with body shots that had the younger women doubled over. Halle retreated to get her breath but Linda pursued her and continued her relentless attack. Linda easily won the second round to even the match.

Both gals got to the center of the ring and slugged it out toe-to-toe. Linda proved the stronger hitter, forcing Halle to abandon her game plan to try and outslug Linda but this was costing her big time. Linda landed a short right to Halle's jaw and Halle FELL back into the ropes, her left arm draped over the middle strand as she struggled to hold herself up. The crowd cheered lustily for Linda while Halle got back up angered and flustered. Halle went into a boxer's dance and faked Linda out badly which enabled her to score with a left and then a big right that staggered Linda. Halle connected cleanly with a left to Linda's jaw and LINDA GOES DOWN! Linda got up at eight but she was badly dazed. The crowd was abuzz and as the bell rang, most observed agree this round was even.

Linda cut off the ring to force the fight. Halle was doing some grand footwork and she continued faking Linda out of her bikini, then hammering her with combinations which were clearly hurting the blonde. As Linda was getting groggy, Halle used her superior speed to her advantage but Linda was dogged and determined, taking two shots for every one she gave. Halle drubbed Linda about the face and had her left eye swelling closed. The crowd was urging Linda on and Paul was becoming concerned for his wife who he felt was being badly beaten. Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, Linda nailed Halle with an overhand right and as the smaller women recoils backward, her legs wobbly and her hands drop limp at her hips. Linda followed up with two vicious combinations to the head! Halle was getting chopped up as her head went swiveling from side to side from the blows.

Naomi Campbell, the referee, quickly stepped in and wrapped her arms around Halle’s chest, grabbing a fistful of breast meat as she dragged Halle to the corner, then turned and raised Linda's hand, letting Halle slide down the ropes onto her back where she lay out cold. This was a grand victory for Linda as the older woman had taken care of business! Hogan lifted his wife high in his arms and Linda thrust her gloves upwards as she shrilled with glee. Halle continued laying there as a couple of actresses finally climbed into the ring and splashed their margueritas in her face to bring her around.
Linda Kozlowski vs. Halle Berry (Rematch) by "Jack Fac"

Halle Berry was torn up after being beaten by Linda Kozlowski and she told anyone and everyone who'd listen to her that Linda had won "...only because she got in a lucky punch." The big right hand that caught her flush on the jaw allowed Linda to finish her off with a bruising knockout that left both Halle - and her huge ego - in tatters! Some other celebrities were taunting Halle, teasing her about how she, an X'er, got whipped by a blond yuppie.

Then one night Halle was out on the town and ran into Linda at a posh LA watering hole. Linda was with friends while Halle was solo. Linda had a drink sent over to Halle's table. Halle sent it back with a nasty note telling Linda she'd been smart to retire from boxing since Halle would clean her clock 'next time.'

Linda read the note, then got up and came over to confront Halle, "Listen you Gen-X slouch; if you'd won you'd be content and NEVER grant me a rematch! I'm good to go and hope you are too!"

Paul didn't want this but Linda was adamant and she expected to fight Halle again. She disliked the black woman intensely and the feeling was mutual. The following week they were back in the ring attired as before; Halle in her 'Die another Day ' bikini and Linda in her drop-dead 'Crocodile Dundee' thong. Halle had trained hard for this fight and she knew she could outwork Linda using her speed but she was very wary of Linda's power.

ROUND ONE The first round went much like the first fight; Halle's feints were working and Linda was getting tagged every which way with lightening fast combinations. Linda's face was already swollen some after the first round which Halle won.

ROUND TWO Halle is taunting Linda to beat the band while punishing her with wicked body shots. Linda isn't sharp at all in the first minute but she lands some good body shots of her own which make Halle back off. Then, just before the round ends, Halle delivers a solid left uppercut to Linda's jaw which makes the blonde's solid legs buckle. As Linda staggers, Halle is on her with another big shot to the head...AND DOWN GOES LINDA!! She manages to stagger to her feet just as the bell rings, but Linda has absorbed tons of blows from the highly motivated Halle.

ROUND THREE The crowd is really into it as Halle is using her fantastic footwork to feint Linda very badly and then jackhammer her with great body shots, then she follows up with head shots that are hurting the bigger blonde a great deal. Linda is growing desperate and looking for that 'big hit' which saved her in the last fight...but it isn't there this night! Halle is enjoying the continual barrage she's showering on Linda and is smiling broadly as she connects over and over. Linda's legs are really wobbly and Halle has her gal ready to go as she unleashes a stream of left right combos that BATTERS LINDA TO HER KNEES! Her face is a mass of welts and bruises and her eyes are all but closed. As Linda pulls herself up the ropes, Halle steps up and hits her with a major roundhouse right to the jaw. Linda's head snaps sideways as sweat flies from this hit. Her legs are flaccid but she utters a swear at Halle as to how lucky she is this night. Halle is her executioner though and once more whips a left hook to Linda's exposed jaw SENDS LINDA SPRAWLING FACE DOWN on the canvas for the third, and last, time.

On this night, the yuppie is soundly beaten as Halle has more than evened the score. Halle stands over the battered, beaten blonde with her foot posed on Linda's firm butt cheek, her arms raised and a big grin on her nearly untouched face while the theme music from 'Die another Day' plays.

There will almost surely be a rubber match to square this rivalry but that will be sometime in the future. Tonight, a disconsolate Paul Hogan steps into the ring, picks up his wife's senseless body and carries her out of the ring. As he passes her, Halle hisses, "Next time she gets in the ring with me, I'm taking her home with ME! Tell her that when she wakes up!"
'Downtown' Julie Brown vs. Kim Cattrall by "Jack Fac"

'Sex and the City' had been wrapped up for awhile and the four stars of the HBO hit series were celebrating the end of a long run over a late lunch. Kim Cattrall had imbibed a few white wines and was quite loose and Sarah Jessica Parker wasn't far behind. Nixon and Davis had carefully maintained their sobriety. Then, in walked 'Downtown' Julie Brown with her spirited strut. She offered her hand in congrats to the foursome in tribute to their successes but her good wishes were greeted with grunts and an almost 'get lost' attitude from all four.

Julie took instant offense, "You're a bunch of twits you know that!" Julie vented, "Big damned deal! You play four 'ho-bags'."

"Aw buzz off you idiot talking head," was Sarah Jessica's rejoinder.

"Maybe I'll just kick your bony ass there, Sarah gal. Be tough on old Matthew watching his old lady flat on her ass after I get through with her," Julie boasted.

Just then, Kim jumped in, "I'm the bloke you want there, sweets. I'll tune your sorry ass up next week!"

"Good let's do it, bitch!" hissed Julie.

The scene was set for Madison Square Garden and Julie arrived in the ring first wearing her stunning purple bikini and high heels. Kim then came out in blue bikini panties and heels. Julie gave away size but she'd trained hard to keep herself in good physical shape and, among other things, she was a tough rock-climber. Although relations between them were strained, the cast and crew from 'Sex' showed up in Kim's corner to lend her their support.

Julie's footwork is solid. She shifts away from the long reach of Kim and hammers her inside with vicious body shots. Kim whips a long right and catches Julie squarely on the jaw. Julie staggers but only for a moment. She remains on her feet and has taken Kim's best shot. Kim is spooked by this. Julie counters time after time with crisp body shots and is wearing Kim down. The crowd is loving this. Round one is Julie's.

Julie senses she's got the older gal's number as she's feinting overhand rights and Kim is going for them every time. Julie fakes Kim out of her panties and hammers her solidly on the jaw. Kim staggers backwards. Sensing a knockout the crowd is cheering Julie on. 'Downtown' wants this to play out some more though. She beats up Kim with combination head and body shots. Kim's eyes are black and blue. Round two is easily Julie's.

Kim is desperate now, throwing more and more wild rights which continue to miss. Julie neatly sidesteps these shots and counters with brutally hard body blows. Kim's arms are dropping. Suddenly Julie slams Kim with a left/right combo to the jaw and Cattrall FALLS into the ropes. She groggily regains her feet but is pleading with Julie to stop.

"You win Downtown, you got me big time," implores Kim.

"Oh no. Not till I say I do, you clumsy doofus bimbo," laughs Julie who's having total fun kicking Kim's ass.

Julie lands hard again just as the bell sounds and heads back to her corner knowing she's won another round.

ROUND FOUR Kim returns to center ring defiant and inflamed from the humiliation of round three but NOW Julie is ready to do her in! Kim swings a big right which Julie ducks under and delivers a major shot to Kim's solar plexus that doubles her up in agony. Julie then rams her with a huge right upper cuts and Kim staggers back on her long legs and then crumples and falls on her butt, then rolls onto her back...knocked stiff! Downtown Julie celebrates by straddling her fallen foe and doing a little shimmy as she chants, "Big bad Julie Brown, baddest gal in the whole damned town."

The crowd joins in the singing tribute as Kim's senseless body is dragged away by her glum co-stars, especially Sarah Jessica Parker who refuses to make eye contact with Julie when she taunts her and says, "Hey, I got time for you now blondie!".

SIDELIGHT: Charlize Theron was at ringside and followed it blow by brutal blow. It seems Kim Cattrall befriended Charlize when she arrived in Hollywood as a naïve young ingénue. Now, Charlize didn't appreciate seeing her blonde sister battered brutally. She'd like to get some revenge, so perhaps there’ll be a match in the near future between Charlize and Julie?