“Hey, look who's talking, Mitzi,” snarled Eartha. “Best you keep your mouth shut before I shut it for you.”
Mitzi wasn't rattled in the least. They were in New York near the 92nd street YMCA. Mitzi issued a challenge. “How about you and me for five rounds?”
“Five rounds!?” laughed Eartha. “Hell I'll knock your ass out in three or less. Bank on that sister!”
The next night with lots of young and old celebs in attendance, both entered the ring. Sue Anne Langdon was the ref. Eartha sneered at her. “Screw this match up you bozo and I'll knock your ass out again. Got that?” Sue Anne’s face reddened, but she only nodded at Eartha in response.
Eartha dances quickly to her right and scores several jabs to Mitzi's face. The third one snaps Mitzi's head back.
“See that fancy dancer?” laughed Eartha. “Gonna be lots of those.”
At that point Mitzi hammered Eartha hard in the gut and Eartha winced.
“Yeah well you see I can hit too there Catwoman!”
Mitzi fired a quick right to Eartha's jaw which caused Eartha's head to fly sideways and sweat bounced off in abundance. Round one even.
Mitzi and Eartha stand toe to toe in the middle of the ring. Eartha is giving as good as she's getting. She nails Mitzi cleanly with a left right combo and Mitzi stumbles slightly. Her still beautiful legs buckle just a little. Eartha senses a chance to end this one and bores in with numerous body shots to Mitzi's mid-section. Again, Mitzi's legs are buckled but she keeps her feet. Mitzi connects to Eartha's head again with that nasty quick right. Now Eartha's legs quiver. They are slamming each other to a faretheewell and the crowd is eating it up. Round two is even.
Lots of money is being wagered now by the celebrity crowd. Jennifer Anniston is taking bets and heavily on Eartha. Eartha drills Mitzi with a straight right which sends the dancer backwards and then she follows with a left uppercut which finds Gaynor's jaw. Gaynor FALLS into the ropes and goes down! The place is going wild as Mitzi gets up at six; glassy eyed! Mitzi digs deep and summons up the strength and will to fight back, punishing Eartha with a flurry of lefts and rights to the body. The bell rings and Mitzi laughs at Eartha in derision, “I took your punky best shots and I”m still here!” Still Eartha has won the round and leads on the cards; including Langdon's.
More betting and more hitting by these two vets. Gaynor crushes Kitt's face with an overhand right and Eartha stumbles. Now it's Mitzi's turn to come in and attack. She jams Eartha hard with more head shots and Eartha's left eyes is now swelling shut. Eartha gives it back though. She belts Mitzi with her patented right cross and hurts her. Both of Mitzi's eyes are closing as well. They give it all they've got as the bell rings. Mitzi takes this round.
The place is in pandemonium. They touch gloves for the final round these old warhorses. Gaynor strikes first with a good right cross and Eartha is staggered. Eartha attempts a left hook but Gaynor's second right wins the race to the target. Eartha's face explodes with sweat flying everywhere as her legs are now flaccid and she's stumbling backwards. Sue Anne wants to stop the fight and raise Mitzi's hand but Eartha snarls at her that she'll shoot Sue Anne later if that happens.
“No worries at all,” mumbles Mitzi through swollen lips as she wallops Eartha for the last time of the night.
Kitt's legs just crumple and she goes glassy eyed and topples face down on the canvas. The younger “super senior” has taken the bout as the place roars. Eartha's daughter, Kitt MacDonald comes into the ring and helps drag her mother's limp form away. Mitzi will go out with her pals for a birthday treat but it's been well earned. They was in there with a true “tigress”.
#2: Catherine Zeta Jones vs. Peta Wilson by “Jack Fac”
Michael Douglas knew that his wife was spoiling for a fight with Naomi Campbell again. Cath had been “bummed out” since Charlize Theron added insult to injury at the now famous “brawl game for charity” when, after making and astounding catch in center field of her long drive, Char had mowed Cat down in a quick fisticuffs out at second base; THEN painted a victory sign on Cat's butt with magic marker. Cat had lots of aggression built up inside her that needed an outlet!
Michael came up with a thought, “Why not go fetch that Peta Wilson? She'd be easy meat for you as a warmup before you go on to challenge Naomi.”
Cat liked that idea since Naomi had recently trounced Peta in a bout at Naomi's home gym. But Peta, unbeknownst to Michael or Catherine, had been training with boxing champ Oscar De La Hoya who had heard of Peta's loss and was certain he could help this gal turn around her fighting fortunes. Peta got the call early one evening from Michael about having a quick warm up five rounder with his wife. Peta feigned hesitation but then, seemingly reluctantly, she agreed. Michael gave Cath a grin and a “thumbs up” signal as she sat across the room from him.
The following week at Michael's and Catherine's home gym in the basement, a group of Michael's pals had come to witness Peta’s slaughter by Catherine. They were seated there with food and liquor like a Roman gladiator contest. About 60 people were there, including Naomi Campbell. During the instructions, Catherine whispered to Peta that she'd see Peta “didn't suffer” too long.
Peta comes out quickly and fakes Cath with a left and hammers her hard squarely in the face. Cat is stunned. Peta clobbers Catherine with several vicious body shots. This isn't something Cat expected at all for this was supposed to be a “gimme” fight for her. Peta's long legs motored all over that ring and she used her height advantage to it's fullest. She snaked long left jabs to Cat's face. The first round was ALL Peta.
Cath fires a good left hook to Peta's jaw momentarily stunning her, but then Peta answers with a deep left to the gut of Cath and a right cross which sends Cath sprawling on the canvas. She's hurt and somewhat glassy eyed as she gets up disoriented. Peta pounces and slams Cat with combinations which leave the “Welsh Witch” moaning. Peta batters Catherine more as the bell sounds. The Aussie wins round two as well. Peta is smiling and brimming with confidence now.
Peta comes out hitting Cath at will as Catherine's eyes are badly swollen. She can't see out of the left eye at all. Peta connects with two left jabs and follows it with a crushing over hand right. Cat FALLS again and rolls over on her back; knocked stiff! Michael and all his friends are stunned but slowly there is growing applause for Peta as she slips her robe back on over the sexy blue panties she'd worn for the fight.
One of the guys comes out of the audience and raises Peta’s hand in victory over Catherine who is still out cold. Michael orders her limp form dragged out while Peta has to show herself out; but is high fived by more than one guy as she leaves. She's on her way back. Naomi will be getting another call to fight the Aussie “Blonde Bombshell”.
#3: Lola Falana vs. Joey Heatherton by “Jack Fac”
Tale of the Tape: Joey (22 y/o, 5'5", 34-20-32); Lola (24 y/o, 34B-24-36) Time: 1966. Place: Aircraft Carrier Forrestal somewhere off Viet Nam. Cast- Bob Hope with his entourage; Lola Falana, Joey Heatherton, Ann Margaret and Gerry Colonna the comedian (plus thousands of sailors and marines!)
The Bob Hope USO show is entertaining the troops during the Viet Nam war. Bob Hope had serious misgivings of bringing both Joey and Lola on this trip. Each had an ego and the combo might be volatile. He didn't know how right he was. From the get go these two gals were on each others nerves and both claimed to be “star of the show” as well as Hope's favorite. Old Robert was spending more time separating the two prima donnas and it was proving quite taxing to all concerned. All came to a head one night after a show when Joey commented rudely about Lola's performance during the warmup.
“You might have those long eye lashes and come hither look, but you lack all kinds of talent,” sniped Joey.
Lola walked over to her antagonist, “Tell you what there Merry Mailman's daughter, how's about you and me settling this whole mess up topside in the ring? I say you're a lilly livered little priss you Long Island wuss. Hell, they make em tougher in my town of Camden you know what I'm saying?”
Joey had a hot temper and knew she was being “called out”.
“You're on there whatever your name is….Little Lulu?“
Word got out to the sailors and Marines. The Navy would provide some boxing lessons for Lola while the Marines would coach Joey.
Fight night! Joey is in a hot dance outfit and has a marine robe on which is scarlet and gold. She peels that off to the oohs and aahs of sailors and marines. Lola is in a navy blue robe and takes that off to reveal a bikini brief. She is drop dead gorgeous and Joey doesn't like the cheering Lola gets at all.
Lola dances smartly away from the “southpaw” Joey and flicks a couple of jabs which connect. Joey's head goes back. Lola fires a vicious right to Joey's midriff and the Long Islander groans in pain. “Hey where's your big punch there blondie,” chides Lola? Joey does nail Lola with a good straight left but Lola isn't that fazed. Lola jams Joey with a left / right to the body and pickles her with a good right cross to the jaw which sends sweat flying off of Joey. Bell sounds and Lola is winning.
Lola concentrates on delivering head shots and begins to create a solid swelling around Joey's right eye. Joey is pulverized again and again with body shots. She backpedaling. “Hey c'mon there little missy,” taunts Lola. “I thought those jarheads trained you better than that!” Joey roars into Falana with her best shot which is a straight left. Lola's head snaps slightly but she isn't anywhere near going down. Lola wins round two.
Lola is really letting Joey have it and then dissing her as her combo's continue scoring around Joey's eyes. She wants Joey “set up” for the big kill. It comes... Lola announces, “Time for the Merry Mailman's daughter to go down now” and she coldcocks Joey with a big left to the gut followed by a right uppercut. Joey stumbles and staggers backwards. Her legs are bowed and she's hanging on….barely!. Lola slams her again by the shot featured on the cover of “STARS AND STRIPES “ (the Armed Forces newspaper.) It's a left hook which lands squarely on Joey's jaw. Joey Heathton falls to Lola Falana with that hit. She's face down on the canvas with the navy band cranking up “Anchors Aweigh”.
Lola is given an honorary commission as LT (jg) for the rest of the trip and she dines nightly with the officers while Joey takes her meals with the galley crew. At the beginning of each show Joey must salute Lola as the “Star of the Show”. Bob Hope is secretly glad that Lola won since Joey had gotten on his nerves too with her now “shut mouth”.
#4: “Downtown” Julie Brown vs. Elizabeth “Liz” Hurley by “Jack Fac”
It was one of those L.A. 'scorchers' and Downtown Julie Brown stopped off at her gym for a quick dip before dinner. As she approached the pool to dive in she noticed that Liz Hurley was doing some laps there all by her lonesome. Julie dove in and caught up with Liz in the middle of the pool.
“Didn't know you were a member here,” Julie said.
Liz cooly and annoyingly noted her presence, then essentially ignored Julie. This was a major 'diss' to Julie who pursued Liz and announced that maybe she might like racing a couple of laps.
“With you luv, no problem,” said Liz in a condescending smarmy way.
They both shot out of their lanes quickly and the taller Liz gained a little lead. As they hit the wall Julie fired up those powerful legs and matched Liz stroke for stroke, overtook her at the last 15 feet, and beat her by about two feet. Julie shot up out of the water. Liz was aghast as she'd been working out in the pool for months.
“Keep at it there amateur,” teased Julie. “One day you might beat a kindergardener.”
This fried Liz big time. “You know that you need a good boxing lesson there Brown old girl! You beat Kim Cattrall but she can't break an egg with those fists!”
“You the one to do it there sweetie?” sneered Julie.
“Damned right I am!” shot back Liz.
“Ready when you are. Let's pass the word. I want lots of folks there to see me wipe you out!”
A month later; the scene is the L.A. Forum and Liz is wearing a blue bikini while Julie is back in her trademark purple thong outfit. Julie gets lots of howls from the guys.
Liz loads up a big right but Julie is under it quickly and fires a hard right to Hurley's gut. Liz grunts. Julie pounds Liz hard with combinations and hammers her twice in the face with a left then a right. Liz throws an uppercut which connects solidly with Julie's jaw. Julie staggers as Liz fires a vicious left hook to her body and then buckles Julie's knees with a right cross to the jaw. Julie stays up but is hurt. Bell rings with the round scored evenly. Julie's trainer is Sue Anne Langdon who warns her to keep on the game plan by working Liz' body.
Liz tries to capitalize on those jaw shots but is hit viciously by a flurrly of Downtown's body blows. She crumples in half in pain. Julie continues battering the taller gals midriff. 'Gonna beat the starch out of you Hurley' snarls Julie. Up yours answers Liz and is immediately hit under the left eye by Julie's right cross. She stumbles backwards. Julie pursues her and connects cleanly with a left uppercut to the jaw. Hurley FALLS hard on her ass as the bell sounds. Round two is Julie's. Kim Cattrall is in Hurley's corner. 'Stay away from trading punches with her warns Kim who was pounded out cold by Julie months earlier.
Liz is fired up from the knockdown. She delivers a long left jab to Julie's face. Both gals are swelling around the eyes. Liz finishes this flurry with a right cross. Julie is knocked back but not down. They stand in the middle of the ring and exchange blows.
“No!” screams Cattrall. “I warned you Liz!”
But Liz isn't listening at all to the advice; she's determined to take Julie out with a knockout. Liz swings and misses her long left hook but Julie is right on the money with a blazing shot to Liz midsection again and then, as Liz bends in pain, Julie rounds out the attack with a solid right to Liz's jaw. Hurley's head goes sideways as sweat flies everywhere. She’s backpedaling and Julie is following. Julie hammers Liz with another combination and Liz's legs are bowed outward now.
Liz knows she's lost and one more right to the jaw proves it; sending Liz hurtling into the ropes. She bounces off and lands hard on her back. Her eyes are shut and her head lays sideways on the canvas. Julie is parades around the ring with her gloves raised high.
Julie undoes Liz’ blue bikini bottom and ties it to her ankles, then does a slow 'victory drag', pulling Liz face down and oblivious around the ring on her tits to thunderous cheering from the crowd. Hugh Grant looks downcast over his former lover's defeat but sends a rose into the ring for Julie which he’d originally hoped to give to Liz after her victory..
#5: Valerie Bertinelli vs. Lela Rochon by “Jack Fac”
What started out as a somewhat laid back Hollywood cocktail party rapidly escalated into name calling and taunting when Lela Rochon began nicknaming Valerie Bertinelli 'Lil Twink' over and over as they were facing off in their first official meeting ever. Each was familiar with the other but it quickly became obvious that neither had a great deal of use for the other.
“You know ‘TWINK’," continued Lela. “I have to wonder how you ever did as well as you did in show biz.”
“Well, what's YOUR claim to fame there hotshot?” countered Valerie. “I don't see any academy awards hanging around your neck!”
“Listen there twink,” fired back Lela. “What I will do is hang your little ass out to dry. Want to taste some leather in the ring with me? I'm in a bad mood and fixing to kick some ass anyway. Might as well be yours... twink!”
Valerie was game although her old pal Bonnie Franklin didn't like the looks of this at all. She warned Valerie that she might be getting in a tad too deep. Lela's almond shaped eyes were glowing in a menacing way and, at the same time, enticing Valerie to show what she was made of and Valerie accepted.
Two months later they were in the ring at Caesar's palace. Valerie took off her robe and had on nice blue briefs which showed some good solid legs for a now 44 year old. 40 year old Lela wowed ‘em in her white bikini. It was time to 'get it on'.
“C'mon twink, lemme see that spirit,” taunted Lela as she fired a solid left to Val's face. Valerie came on with a good body attack with her fists shooting like pistons into Lela's gut. Lela winced. “How's that for some Twink shots there Rochon?” smiled Valerie. Lela unloaded a left/right combo and sent Valerie down on her ass. Valerie was up but knew she'd been hit. She stood toe to toe with Lela in the middle of the ring and the ref had to pull them apart as both scored with savage head shots.Lela wins round one.
Valerie is told to 'take charge' and she bores in again with an aggressive body attack as her fists find their mark in Lela's midsection again. Lela bends in pain and Valerie tags her hard with a great right uppercut. Lela stumbles backwards but does not fall. She responds by lending a powerful left hook to Valerie's jaw which makes Bertinelli's legs buckle. The crowd is eating all this up. Lela hammers Valerie again with combinations to the face and Bertinelli's face is swelling. Lela is confident but Valerie is soldiering on. Slight advantage in round two to Valerie.
They keep on hitting each other and Lela's face is swelling up as well. This little 'Twink' is a real handfull. Valerie mounts yet another body attack. Rochon is feeling the blows as Valerie doesn't miss. Valerie is disciplined and, time and again, slips Lela's hard punches. They battle furiously and sweat caroms off of Valerie as Lela nails her hard with a vicious right cross to the jaw. Valerie's head spins. This is the shot that was carried in the morning edition of the L.A. Times. Rochon clobbers the game Valerie who is getting a bit arm weary now. She’s beating Bertinelli to the punch but Valerie has enormous pride and fights on. She’s finally hammered to the canvas for an eight count but the crowd is pulling for her as she drags herself up.
Both gals are in deep respect for one another now. No more 'twink' stuff from Lela as she absorbs four clean blows from Valerie. Lela stumbles slightly but she stays up. Suddenly, Lela’s mighty right strikes paydirt in the form of Valerie's jaw. Valerie is glassy-eyed as she backpedals and Lela connects with a big left hook, then a right cross! Valerie's legs are bowed and buckling as she’s literally out on her feet. Valerie throws punches at a non-existent target as Lela sidesteps, then watches as Valerie topples over, straight down to her knees, then pitches forward on her face…out cold!
The crowd cheers lustily as Lela administers smelling salts to her beaten opponent. “Hey Gal, great fight!” she says to Valerie. “You got game lady!”
“Thanks,” replies Valerie. “Congratulations. You won and I'll put your robe on for you.”
Valerie does this in a gesture of being a good sport, then stands next to her conqueror as more pictures are shot of them. Bonnie Franklin is proud of her television daughter who gave it her all and came up short. Lela leaves the ring after Valerie, her gloves raised high. It's been a hard earned, but satisfying, win for her.