1-Kelly LeBrock vs. Catherine "Cat" Bell by "Jack Fac"

Hollywood was stunned and in 'shock and awe' after the hammering Kelly LeBrock had given ingénue Lindsay Lohan. The younger crowd had retreated from the outdoor coffee bars in embarrassment since 'Granny' dispatched their so called "big hitter" so easily. Kelly LeBrock, in contrast, was strutting her stuff all over town which hadn't sat well with Tippi Hedren who was forever trying to concoct schemes to get Kelly's butt thrashed. Tippi's biggest delight had been when Diane Lane had taken Kelly's measure but Kelly was out to avenge that defeat.

Kelly had been doing lots of sparring with 'Downtown' Julie Brown. By taking on this 'hard core' gal Kelly had sharpened her jabbing skills greatly. In one three round session she'd floored Julie twice and they'd really gotten into a slugfest that had to be broken up. Still, Julie was grateful for the competition and retained Kelly. One night they were out for cocktails when Cat Bell stopped by their table.

"Hey slugger, how ya doing?" said Cat.

Kelly wasn't the biggest Cat fan and was barely cordial. "Pretty good actually!" was her reply.

"You know," said Cat. "You're lucky I retired or you'd have probably been finished even before the second Griffith fiasco."

Cat was referring to the two solid wipeouts Kelly had over Melanie Griffith. Julie jumped in, "Naomi knocked your old ass cold, then dragged you around in your USMC bikini briefs, so don't go sounding off on my pal here. Fact is Bell, you better get your dumb chicken-shit ass the hell outta here before somebody kicks it out!!"

"You can't make me leave," said Cat, warily backing off to make room to swing if need be.

"You know, liver lips; I'd love to take a crack at your wise puss," said Kelly. "Then maybe I could drag your beaten ass around the ring too!"

"Let's bring it on…if you think you're woman enough!" replied Cat.

Two weeks later, they met in Chicago. Cat comes out looking stunning in a small green bikini. Kelly was in her trademark red thong. Kelly is the older woman, but she really blows the audience away with her long legs which do something few women can; take people's eyes off of Cat's "rack!" The guest referee is 50's fight legend Mitzi Gaynor, back in her hometown; 'Downtown' Julie Brown is in Kelly's corner while Charlize Theron is seconding her old nemesis Cat.

ROUND ONE: Kelly's jabs are ferocious. She slams Cat's head back repeatedly with quick staccato shots. Then she drives a jackhammer left hook into Cat's middle. Cat bends and moans in pain. "Gonna kill your ass you phony contrived Gyrene colonel," snarls Kelly. She relentlessly connects with Cat's face which is swelling early on. "You should have stayed retired!" continues Kelly with her cool British style. "I'm going to make it official tonight!" Kelly is ablaze as she returns to her corner having had her way with Cat in round one.

ROUND TWO: Cat has been told to get moving or throw in the towel and she delivers good combinations to Kelly's jaw that make the redhead's legs buckle. Cat pounds Kelly again with wicked body shots that crumple the older gal before Cat unloads with a brutal right uppercut. LeBrock FALLS on her ass as the crowd roars! Kelly is back up, although somewhat glassy-eyed and hurt. She backpedals for a few seconds, then as Cat chases her, Kelly catches the brunette with a solid right cross that swivels Cat's head sideways, sending sweat flying. Then LeBrock fires several jabs to Cat's eyes which worsen the swelling around her eyes and brings blood from her nose. Slight edge to Cat this round.

ROUND THREE: Kelly is using the ring and not letting Cat cut it off. She continues the jab assault and Cat's left eye is now almost closed. Cat MUST get Kelly now or she's in trouble. Cat gambles by attempting to slug it out in the middle of the ring with LeBrock. This is the worse thing she could have done. Kelly move away from Cat's blinded eye and continually hammers the now helpless Bell. Cat is growing very arm weary. "Finish her Kelly!" screams 'Downtown' from her corner. Kelly goes into 'overdrive' with speed-bag walloping of Cat's bulging bra, then another big right cross to the jaw! 'Colonel McKenzie' is almost out on her feet as she totters toward Kelly who unleashes a 'haymaker' roundhouse right. Cat's fabulous legs fold as she drops to her knees, gloves on the mat, looking up at a smiling 'Killer Kelly'.

"You got me," Cat murmurs just before she topples over, slamming to the mat tits-first, then lays still.

Once again, Cat Bell's fabulous body is subjected to humiliation as, this time Kelly LeBrock treats herself to a 'victory drag' of Cat's bare and beaten ass which she shows to the patrons on all four sides of the ring. Kelly has battered Cat into retirement - again! 'Downtown' Julie climbs into the ring to hoist her sparring pal into the air while an embarrassed Charlize Theron slinks away with Mitzi, leaving Cat's unconscious body in the ring and at the 'post-match' mercy of the victor and her evil minions. Naomi is next up on Kelly's agenda..
2-'Downtown' Julie Brown vs. Jillian Barberie by "Jack Fac"

It started as a friendly little beach party in Venice, California. There was lots of grilled goodies and volleyball and some two hand touch football as well. Julie Brown stopped by to enjoy some of the festivities and naturally with a girl of Julie's 'past' there were several of her former boxing opponents on hand; women like Kim Cattrall, Diane Lane, Liz Hurley and Lucy Lawless. 'Downtown' ignored them at first, but then she ran across her current nemesis, Teri Hatcher, who was playing catch with Jillian Barberie, the weather gal from Fox football. Teri lofted a high pass intended for Jillian which Julie playfully intercepted.

"You know a dumb broad could get her fat ass punched out right here for doing stuff like that," snarled Jillian.

"Yeah? But you know I ain't a dumb broad now…am I," came the retort from 'Downtown'. "Tell you what, sweetcakes," she continued. "You go get your girlfriend over there to throw you a pass; I bet you can't catch it or score past me! Go on, talk it over with your so-called 'desperate QB' over there!"

Hatcher and Barberie conferred, then Jillian spun around and came racing down the beach toward Julie. She made a hip fake which Julie didn't fall for as Teri heaved a perfect strike to the streaking Jillian. Barberie was instantly slammed down in her tracks by a bone-rattling tackle by Julie who picked up the football Jillian had 'fumbled' and stood over her smirking until Jillian regained her feet. Jillian rose shakily, spitting out sand and clearly not 'all there' as the hard hit by 'Downtown ' had rearranged her brain cells! Jillian went ballistic and threw a wild right which whistled past Julie' s chin.

"Hey, hold on! There's a ring down on the beach, let's use that!" suggested Teri Hatcher as lots of the actress/model crowd gathered around along with many talking heads. Mary Hart quickly volunteered to referee.

Jillian was in a white bikini bottom and Julie had her killer purple thong. Kelly LeBrock was in Julie's corner and Teri Hatcher was Jillian's cornerwoman.

ROUND ONE: Jillian, the Canadian, came out smoking and hammered Julie hard with wicked combinations to the jaw. Julie was knocked to the canvas seeing stars. This weather gal packed a punch... no question! Jillian continued to assault Julie as she connected solidly with violent body shots that doubled Julie up in pain. Kelly LeBrock was in Julie's corner exhorting 'Downtown' to do more dancing and to counter-punch but Jillian hit Julie across the jaw with another rroundhouse right which spun Julie's head sideways; Jillian was really cleaning up on Julie in the first round!

The first round was so bad, Mary Hart came over between rounds to check if Julie wanted to continue in this fight. "Did I ask for mercy lady"? she snarled.

ROUND TWO: Julie waded into Jillian's midsection and hammered her with her famous 'Downtown' blows which makes any opponent wince and take notice. Ms. Brown had regained her balance and was clearheaded now. "Got bad news for you there Doofus," Julie said to Jillian. "I'm all set to play the wrecking ball and you're the building!" With that Julie buckled Jillian's knees with a left/right combination that staggered the weather girl. Jillian was getting glassy eyed and her left eye was swelling as the round came to a close. Julie's jabs were getting in effectively; she was back in business as she beat Jillian big time in this round!

ROUND THREE: Jillian looks unsteady as she fires a wild roundhouse right which Julie ducks, then 'Downtown' comes inside Jillian's reach and once again staggers the hapless weather gal with a left/right combo. Jillian's legs go all wobbly as she stumbles backward, her hands at her sides. Julie wallops her with a big right and the Canadian falls into the ropes, bounces off and crashes face down on the canvas. Julie steps on Jullian's raised butt as she walks over her to her corner while Mary Hart moves in to count her out! Mary Hart raises Julie's hand and it's another victory for 'Downtown'.

Teri Hatcher is disconsolate as she climbs into the ring, kneels next to her meal ticket fighter and cradles Jillian's head in her lap. Another actress/model has gone down to hard-core Julie.

"You're next there snookums," whispers Julie to Teri as she walks over to taunt her. "You're all mine!"

With that Julie, elbows Teri aside, picks up Jillian's battered, unconscious body and flips her over the ropes onto the beach where she lands in the sand where she lays a battered mess. It's party time for Julie!!
3-Naomi Campbell vs. Vendela by "Jack Fac"

Naomi got a call while she was in her New York City digs from her runway model pal Vendela who had just flown in for a show. Vendela's hotel reservations had gotten screwed up and she was left without a room at the NY Hilton. That's because Naomi had heard Vendela was coming for the show after she'd heard that Vendela had been talking behind her back; claiming that she could kick Naomi's ass.

Naomi slipped a reservations clerk "a little something" to deliberately screw up her reservations. Now, Naomi found herself able to offer Vendela her "hospitality" which included lodging for the night. Vendela took a cab to Naomi's and after settling in with her luggage Naomi and the Scandinavian settled in on the sofa in Naomi's lounge to watch some old time fight clips.

"I remember the fights (Swede) Ingemar Johansson and Floyd Paterson had years ago," Vendela sighed. "They're two heavyweights and my Dad told me about them."

"Yeah!" chuckled Naomi. "MY boy took your boy down…and out!"

Naomi continued to laugh and Vendela protested, "B…but Ingemar WON their first fight!"
"Barely," said Naomi still laughing. "Floyd nailed his squarehead ass the second time through, and big time!"

By this time Vendela's face was reddening and she was losing her cool "Well, I know you have a so called 'Den of Doom' here. If you're going to disparage my countrymen, I'm ready for my chance to show you who's the truly best boxer in OUR set. I say I am," said Vendela.

Naomi shrugged and pointed toward the ring. Vendela went to change and put on her blue bikini. Since Naomi was already wearing her trademark black thong, she was set and ready to go. When Vendela returned, Naomi rang a small silver bell on the table and out came Sue Bird (WNBA and an earlier Naomi victim). Sue would referee the fight.

Round One: Sue signals them into the ring. "You're gonna see my toonder and lighting left hook!" yells Vendela as she fires it just missing Naomi's jaw. Naomi hammers Vendela with a vicious body shot, doubling up the Swede, then hooks and jabs that score mightily before she slams Vendela hard to the face with that long left. Naomi follows with a solid cold-cock to Vendela's jaw that buckles the Swede's legs and forces her to hold onto Naomi to remain upright. Another hammer shot and down goes Vendela just as the bell sounds. Easy round for Naomi.

Round Two: "Well you dumb Squarehead where's that toonder and lighting left you talked about?" chides Naomi as she dances about on solid long legs. Vendela goes to get Naomi with her left, and Naomi is staggered! She fires a big right which nails Naomi hard and drops her on her ass. The long statuesque black legs shoot up in the air as she lands hard on the canvas. "Gotcha there, smart ass!" says Vendela as it's her turn to laugh. Naomi regains her feet and fends off Vendela though the Scandinavian beauty connects with a flurry of body shots that wins her the round.

Round Three: They meet in the middle of the ring and exchange violent head shots. But Naomi's rocks Vendela just a little bit harder. Naomi's big right makes solid contact with the Swede's jaw and Vendela's head twists sideways sending her sweat flying. A good left hook from Naomi follows and Vendela sprawls on the mat again! Naomi stands over her looking down at the fallen Swede. "Had enough there 'toonder and lightning' girl?" chortles Naomi. Vendela angrily regains her feet but has been disoriented by Naomi's last hits and is flailing wildly all over the place. Naomi deftly dodges her wild shots as she hits Vendela at will until the Scandinavian sweetheart's sculpted beautiful legs are wobbling and buckling. Naomi's next hit to Vendela's jaw makes her stagger and she looks vacantly at Naomi for a second, then pitches forward on her tits and face.

Sue Bird begins counting her out but Naomi shoves her aside and throws a blanket over Vendela's unconscious body.

"She got a good lesson tonight didn't she!" says Naomi.

"She sure did champ; you proved you're still the best!" fawns frightened Sue.

"Damn right I'm the best!" snarls Naomi, getting in Sue's face. "You ever get any other idea about that; you let me know and I'll wipe your ass out again!"

"Yes Ma'am, I know you will and can," sighed Sue who quickly departed the room while Naomi heads to the shower.

Naomi stops at the door and looks over her shoulder one final time, smirking at the sight of Vendela's swollen face and unconscious form. "Damn I'm good!" Naomi sighs to no one in particular.
4-Sigourney Weaver vs. Kim Basinger
by "Jack Fac"

Kim Basinger was basking in her new-found glory after having knocked out Vanna White at Parris Island, SC. The Athens, Georgia native was boasting to anyone who would listen that she considered herself, "THE BEST over 50 female boxer on the planet!."

This bragging was taking place in a Los Angeles watering hole frequented by many fighters of the female persuasion including Kelly LeBrock (still 5+ years away from the big 5-0) and Linda Kozlowski (who hadn't fought in some time). Linda was angling for a bout with Marg Helgenberger who, Linda felt, needed her lights put out.

However, on this night, we go back to 51 year old Kim who hadn't shut up in more than two hours of incessant yammering about Vanna's whipping. Then, who should come in and find herself being subjected to Kim's self-promotion but tough six-foot NYC native, Sigourney Weaver who was 55 years old and (at least in her own mind) THE BEST OVER 50 BOXER IN THE COUNTRY!

Sigourney couldn't stand listening to Kim for very long and finally spoke up and said so, "You know blondie that self praise stinks!"

"Not when it's warranted," shot back Kim.

But Big Sigourney continued, "Well, I think I'm numero uno in the ring there bulldog, or bullfrog, or whatever the hell they call you folks down South!"

"Actually it's Killer Kim!" was Basinger's bristling comeback. She smiled a dangerous snarky grin as she surveyed the 4" taller Sigourney and saw the older woman as fair game. "Let me prove it to you there hot-shot," said Kim, "I'll beat your saggy ol' ass inside of four rounds!"

"You're on!" announced Sigourney. "We'll do it at the forum next month?"

"You got it!" replied Kim with a cocky grin.

They shook on the deal and Kim bought Sigourney a drink. For two future combatants, these gals were going to spend more time sizing one another up.

Kim was first in the ring on fight night after losing a coin flip after both women insisted on being introduced last as they saw themselves as 'The Champion'. Kim looks great in white bikini panties with her solid, muscular legs. Sigourney plays a little waiting game and displays incredible long legs as she strips off her robe. She has on a black thong and stiletto heels. Although Sigourney's black outfit leaves Kim's white one in the dust, Kim's bare breasts are far firmer and shaplier than the big brunette's smaller, softer ones.

Kim's trainer is Sue Anne Langdon and Sigourney's is one-time Disco Queen Donna Summer who is a year older than Sigourney and has been working as her sparring partner in her training. The referee is blonde legend Elke Sommer.

Round ONe: Sigourney is first off the mark with solid jabs to Kim's face. It becomes clear her game plan is to use the whole ring, taking advantage of her longer legs and arms. But Sigourney is hit hard by Kim's body attack as the blonde hammers the taller brunette's midsection. There's a definite dislike between these two! Weaver again nails Kim hard to the face with that long, hard left. Sigourney's arms are rock hard and Kim's face is red and swelling by late in the round. Weaver jackhammers the 'Bulldog' with a knee buckling right to the jaw that sends Kim stumbling backward glassy eyed at the bell. Sigourney has clearly won the round.

Round TWO: "You're easy meat there, Georgia wimp" laughs Sigourney as she connects with a hard left to Kim's body and belts her once again in the jaw to open the second. Kim is on rubber legs staggering backward, but Sigourney is going to give her something to remember her by. Sigourney blazes more hard hooks to Kim's face once again. "Gonna shut those blue eyes for you there, Peach State girl," laughs Sigourney as Kim's right eye is swelling badly from the punishment. Still, Kim fires a good left/right to Sigourney's jaw that moves the taller gal back but Sigourney is only stunned, not hurt and she wins the second round as well.

Round Three: Langdon is fearful for Kim; she doesn't see the same fire Kim showed in her fight with Vanna... but then, Sigourney Weaver ISN'T Vanna White! Sigourney throws a long right and nails Kim right on the button and Basinger GOES DOWN!! Kim rises to one knee, her head bowed, arms crossed over her knee with Sigourney standing directly over her. As Kim blinks, Sigourney reaches out to steady Kim with a hand on her head. "Lights out honey chile," purrs Sigourney as she smashes Kim in the jaw with a vicious right uppercut. Basinger sits down HARD on her ass, her bare breasts bouncing, then tumbles onto her back with her knees in the air. Kim slowly rolls over and tries to push herself up, then collapses tits-flat, face down as the crowd roars their approval!

Weaver quickly disposes of her gloves, then straddles Kim's lean, limp legs as she pulls down Kim's panties and wraps them around her ankles; using them to drag the beaten 'Georgia Bulldog' around the ring several times on her tits, legs in the air and her limp arms streaming behind her! Sigourney has won the battle and part of her reward is to be feted at a victory party later that evening at which Kim's bound and gagged naked body forms the center-piece of Sigourney's table!.

After the fight Kim was slowly brought around by Sue Anne who cradlesd her in her arms as she held ice packs to her red, raw breasts. "That big gal has way too much for you, Kim!" warns Sue Anne. "Pack it in." Although Kim's southern pride is badly wounded, it's still (more or less) intact - for now although she vows revenge after being humiliated by Sigourney and her friends at their party.
5-Tina Turner vs. Ann Margret
by "Jack Fac"

This was to be a friendly charity L'Eggs road race with lots of great contestants including Tina Turner, Ann Margret, Mary Tyler Moore, Sue Anne Langdon, Sigourney Weaver and Kim Basinger. There would surely be 'grudge matches' based on past boxing duels where some of the losing ring contestants hoped to avenge their defeat by their boxing conquerors in this race.

The 5K race was won by Tina Turner who's powerfully churning gorgeous gams carried her across the finish line just ahead of Ann Margret who placed second but whose legendary legs faded badly when she called upon them for a final 'kick'. Tina just looked over her shoulder and smirked as she pulled away from the Swedish redhead in the last 300 yards.

Other results:
Sue Anne Langdon easily over Mary Tyler Moore which left Mary weeping inconsolably since she'd trained so hard and achieved so little.
Sigourney Weaver's long legs propelled her to a wipe-out over the shorter Kim Basinger. Kim cursed a blue streak as she helplessly watching Weaver's jiggling asscheeks pull away as her longer legs carried her to victory in their match race. (This was Kim's second straight humiliation by Weaver, and one that galled the younger woman even more than their fight - if possible.).
Kelly LeBrock just 'killed' Melanie Griffith in a special match race for younger runners with Kelly finishing the over-all winner of the race. Tina was third over-all. Naomi Campbell slaughtered Vendela making Naomi second over all.

With the racing done it was 'bragging rights' time back at Naomi's palace of pain. Naomi ran some old footage of Ingemar Johanson falling to Floyd Paterson in a heavyweight championship bout way back in 1960 and as Floyd's left hook demolished Johanson, leaving the Swede hammered senseless, Tina Turner was shrieking with delight, bouncing up and down in her seat and clapping excitedly.

"Man the poor squarehead never had a chance did he?" laughed Tina as she and Naomi high-fived.

Neither Vendela (still smarting after Naomi laid out several nights earlier) nor Ann Margret much cared for them making fun of her countryman and finally, Ann spoke up, "Sometimes we DO get lucky with a lucky punch; admit it Tina!"

"Nope!" smirked Tina, winking at Naomi. "The brother kicked his Viking ass is what happened!"

Ann's face turned bright red and she screamed, "How'd YOU like to try kicking some 'Viking ass' as you call it?"

"Bring out your gloves Naomi, darling! Here's another white gal cruisin' for a bruisin'," laughed Tina.

There were plenty of witnesses around to this soon to take place battle. Talking heads plus actress/model types abounded but despite all the available talent, Naomi refereed, explaining, "MY house; MY ring; MY rules, so I referee!"

Tina doesn't even stop to change out of her little silver disco dress which barely reaches the top of her heavily muscled thighs but Ann strips down to just her sleek panties. Both keep on their high heels to emphasize the line of their legs - one body part both dancers feel inordinately proud of.

Round ONe: Ann skips out of her corner, big breasts bouncing, pushing out a left jab which Tina easily brushes aside. Ann bulls in, trying to get her fists on Tina's body but suddenly, Tina's right cross slams hard across Ann's jaw and drops her to the canvas on her 'Viking ass!' Ann's up at six, but she's already wobbly. "That's just the start there, you vicious Viking!" teases Tina. She hits Ann repeatedly with cruel combinations to the body, then slams her in the face and floors her again! The place erupts as all of Naomi's friends know how to get on her good side while Ann's supporters are already looking for the exits! Ann struggles back to her feet as the bell sounds but she's disoriented and wanders to the wrong corner at first.

Round TWO: "You folks are supposed to be tough!" teases Tina as Ann opens the second round by clipping Tina hard to the jaw. "Not bad!" admits Tina as she steps back. "But NOT nearly good enough either!" Tina answers with a brutal body attack that leaves Ann doubled over wheezing. Then Tina's 'bolo punch' - a right uppercut - finds all of Ann's jaw and the Swedish Sweetheart clatters back on unsteady legs. Tina has the killer instinct as she pounds Ann at will; landing a whole flurry of unanswered shots to Ann's body, forcing her trembling hands lower and lower. Then Tina tees off to Ann's head, rocking it from side to side until Naomi finally steps in to stop the wipeout just as Tina drops Ann on her ass for the third and last time. While Ann lies knocked out, the ten count is applied by Naomi who could have continued well past the obligatory, "TEN! YER OUT!"

Tina goes over to Ann, pushes her foot under the redhead's shoulder and rolls her over onto her side, then steps back and POW plants her right foot right in Ann's 'Viking Ass!' Then Tina is lifted onto the shoulders of her admirers as the place is alive with excitement as several bottles of 'victory champagne' are popped open and glasses filled to drink a toast to 'Viking Asses'. Vendela sits pouting, holding Ann's slumbering head in her lap as the champagne flows!

The running is over, as is the so-called 'fighting' and it's been ALL Tina Turner; ALL day! Tina gained many new fans with an awesome display of both speed and power in kicking Ann's luscious 'Viking ass'.