Jamie Luner vs. Jenny McCarthy by Southgate
The new bad girl in town, Jamie Luner, is offered an opportunity
to co-host an MTV beach special. The 28 year old Melrose Place
star has spent a whole bunch of time in the gym. Ripped and tan,
she wears a sleeveless brown tube top that leaves her midriff
bare and a pair of spandex shorts that leaves little to the imagination.
At night, a crew beach party runs late into the night. Jenny McCarthy
has invited herself to the party and her usual antics quickly
make her the center of attention. Luner is not happy about sharing
the spotlight. She can't resist making some cracks about the blonde
'has been' being reduced to clowning to get any attention at all.
Suddenly, McCarthy is all business and in Luner's face.
"And just who the hell are you," demands Jenny, poking
her finger repeatedly into Luner's shoulder.
Luner grabs Jenny's finger and twists it hard, challenging, "I'm
the working actress, clown, and this is my party, so get you sloppy
ass out of here."
Jenny, turning red, slaps Jamie across the face.
"Catfight! Catfight!," the crowd picks up the chant
as it forms a wide circle around the two women.
Jenny is ready to go, fists raised, waiting for Luner to make
"So, are you chicken shit," taunts McCarthy.
Jamie turns as if to walk away, then swings around, launching
herself at the blonde with fire in her eyes. She side-steps a
hastily thrown McCarthy kick, grabs the off-balance blonde by
the hair and thwacks a rabbit punch to the back of the blonde's
neck. McCarthy drops to one knee. Grabbing a handful of hair,
Luner snaps the blonde's head down. Her right fist hammers away
at the back of Jenny's neck, dropping the tough blonde to both
knees and then flat on her belly as Luner follows her down. The
brunette quickly straddles Jenny's back, holding her head up off
the ground, her right fist continues to pound the blonde's neck,
with every fourth punch slamming into the side of Jenny's face.
In big trouble, McCarthy uses her brute strength to push up to
all fours. Luner locks her legs around Jenny's waist. The blonde
tries to stand but Luner, maintaining her hair hold, is back at
work thumping on the blonde's neck and face. Crawling around but
unable to stand, McCarthy suddenly flips onto her back, trying
to pin Luner under her. The brunette avoids Jenny's attempted
head-butt. Though on her back with the blonde on top of her, Jamie
cranks up the pressure of her waist scissors. Jenny's body convulses.
Luner wraps both hands around the playmate's mouth and nose, cutting
off her air supply. Jamie locks her hard thighs tighter still.
McCarthy manages to take a chop on the hand covering her face.
As Jamie yanks her hand away, relaxing her hold on the blonde's
head, Jenny rams her head back. This time, she catches Jamie flush
in the nose. Cursing, a bloodied Luner rakes Jenny's eyes and
kicks the blonde away.
Both women are on their feet, Jamie holds her nose to stem the
bleeding while Jenny rubs her eyes and throat as she breaths hard.
Jenny flashes Jamie the bird. Luner just smiles and returns the
gesture. The women approach each other again. McCarthy holds her
hands up in a challenge. Jamie shrugs, then locks fingers with
the blonde. They strain furiously in a test of strength. Jamie,
an inch taller, tries to use her height advantage and stretches
her arms up high, forcing Jenny to her toes. For 20 seconds, there
is no movement. Then, McCarthy slowly forces Luner to one knee.
McCarthy can't help but smirk.
"Your not so tough, you ugly bitch," Jenny taunts.
Luner doesn't respond. Grunting, her fingers strain, her knuckles
turn white as she glares up at McCarthy. The blonde isn't smirking
now. Slowly, Jamie battles her way back up. The brunette's whole
body quivers as she tries to take control from the Jenny. Bodies
pressed together, their arms stretched overhead, locked fingers
trembling, another 20 seconds in a slow motion war.
Luner growls, tries to muster everything she has, as she leans
into the blonde. McCarthy's arms tremble for a moment, seem to
bend at the elbows, but then straighten. Jamie is sapped. McCarthy
once more forces her down, this time to both knees. McCarthy forces
the tired brunette back onto her haunches. Jamie suddenly pulls
Jenny's hand near her mouth and bites McCarthy's fingers. The
blonde curses and pulls away, letting go of the brunette's hands.
Jamie springs to her feet, throws her body forward, slamming her
shoulder into Jenny's chest. Luner, her feet pumping in the sand,
bulls the surprised McCarthy backwards. The crowd separates as
Jenny is forced back against the hood of a jeep parked on the
sand. Trapping Jenny over the hood, Luner again rakes the blonde's
eyes and thwacks an elbow across her chest. Jamie yanks down Jenny's
bikini top. With arms pumping like pistons, Luner pounds her fists
into the blonde's boobs. McCarthy tries desperately to cover up
and roll off the hood. She nearly succeeds until Luner clobbers
her with a uppercut that slams into Jenny's chin and snaps her
head back. McCarthy, with no more defense than a glazed donut,
lies precariously across the hood once more. Luner slams an ax
handle down into Jenny's belly and pulls her off the hood. As
Jenny's feet hit the sand, Jamie rams her knee into the blonde's
crotch, nails her with a thundering uppercut. Slamming McCarthy
back against the car, Jamie presses her shoulder into her helpless
foe and beats the blonde's belly with both fists flailing. McCarthy
slumps onto Luner. Jamie steps away and the blonde slides down
on to her butt.
Luner steps back to admire her handy work as McCarthy sits slumped
forward on the ground. In a quick motion, Luner bends, grabs her
foe's ankles and pulls forward, dragging the blonde across the
sand to the center of the crowd. Holding her legs apart, Jamie
stomps down rapidly into Jenny's crotch. As McCarthy screams,
Jamie turns her over and applies a Boston crab. McCarthy struggles
fiercely for 15 seconds or so, trying hard to twist free, but
Jamie has set herself low and holds Jenny's legs securely.
McCarthy is banging her fists into the sand, screaming. The crowd
is chanting "Jamie, Jamie!"
But Luner suddenly release her hold.
"Oh no, I haven't finished with her yet," she shouts,
relishing the crowds' roaring approval.
Grabbing Jenny by her hair Jamie pulls her to her feet, slams
a knee into her belly and steps aside as she lets the blonde fall
back to the sand. McCarthy rolls to her side, holding her belly.
Jamie leaps high and lands with both knees thudding into Jenny's
ribs. The brunette straddles Jenny's waist, pinning her arms under
her own legs. Jamie drops her butt heavily on McCarthy's chest.
Jenny bucks for all she's worth, then arches up, nearly unseating
Luner. Jamie wavers but recovers her balance, then beats her left
fist backward repeatedly into Jenny's gut. McCarthy's body crashes
back to the ground. Jamie wraps both hands around Jenny's neck.
Jenny's face turns white then blue. Luner releases her hold, scrambles
to her feet. She stops to flex for the crowd. Once more they pick
up their chant, "Jamie! Jamie!"
Bending forward, Jamie takes a handful of blonde hair and hauls
the trashed McCarthy to her feet. Wrapping her arms around Jenny's
back, Luner applies a bear hug. She slowly bends Jenny backwards,
laughing as Jenny groans in agony.
"Give up or I'll break your back, slut," Jamie threatens
as she leans as far forward as she can to put maximum pressure
on McCarthy's back.
"F*** you!" Jenny screams.
Luner shifts Jenny's body, straightening her up as she lifts the
blonde off her feet, preparing for an atomic drop. But she lifts
Jenny up, the blonde pulls her arms free. She grabs Jamie by the
hair with her left hand, yanking her head back. McCarthy's right
fist explodes into the brunette's face. A second punch follows
right behind the first. Luner's arms go slack. Jenny drops to
the ground. Luner falls to her knees, dazed, her nose bleeding
again. The blonde rolls on the sand, holding her back.
Both women are slow to recover. Luner, furious, is first on her
feet. She launches herself at McCarthy, lands on top of her. McCarthy
wraps her arms around Jamie's head, trying to roll her over while
Luner spreads her legs wide for leverage. Lying chest to chest,
Jamie starts to beat her fists into Jenny's ribs. Jenny scoops
a handful of sand and slams her hand into Jamie's face, grinding
the sand across Jamie's eyes. As Luner pulls back, Jenny slams
her fists into both sides of Jamie's head. Luner kneels upright,
grabs Jenny by the wrists and tries to pin her arms down.
In a slow motion struggle, Jenny tries to break free. Luner manages
to pin one of the blonde's arms down, but McCarthy gets a tight
hair hold with her left hand. The brunette reaches back and twists
one of Jenny's fingers, pulling her hand from her hair, but Jenny
yanks it free and again latches onto Jamie's hair. Luner flattens
her body on top of McCarthy's. Chest to chest, Luner tries to
press the air from her blonde foe. She's able to secure one of
Jenny's arms on the ground, but Jenny thrusts her hips up and
manages to shove Jamie off. Her relief is short lived, Jamie leaps
back on top, scissoring the blonde's right leg between her thighs
as she pins Jenny's arms to the sand. Once more Luner presses
her body down hard on top of McCarthy. For a few moments, it seems
that the blonde is finally subdued, but a sudden thrust of her
hips rolls Jamie to her side. Jenny rolls with her and lands on
top. Her right arm is locked tight around the back of Jamie's
neck. Her left arm catches Jamie's right wrist and pins her down.
McCarthy grinds her hip bone into Jamie's crotch. Luner tries
to twist free tugging at Jenny's hair, but McCarthy holds on.
Jamie wrestles her right arm free and slams her palm up into Jenny'
chin, but cannot capitalize on her attack. Jenny forces her arm
back down. Luner twists once more and this time rolls the blonde
over. Luner press her chin into Jenny's neck as she forces both
of McCarthy's wrists to the ground. It takes everything she has
to pin the blonde down. Jenny thrashes her legs. Luner counters,
shifting her thighs outside of Jenny's and drawing her legs tight
With a wild roar, McCarthy bucks and rolls Jamie over once more.
She lies sideways across Luner, trying to keep her left arm around
the brunette's neck, but Luner forces her right arm up around
Jenny's chin and forces her head back. The brunette is on her
side, Jenny lying across her hip. Jamie's hand has McCarthy's
head bent down to the sand. Jenny twists her body and manages
to slip free, but Luner twists with her, blasting her palm up
into Jenny's chin once more. Both women are on their sides. McCarthy
grabs a handful of the brunette's hair and yanks her head back.
Luner sinks the fingers of her right hand in Jenny's face, covering
her nose and mouth. Luner surges as she rolls on top of McCarthy,
trying to smother the blonde bitch. But still, McCarthy has fight
left in her. She yanks back hard on Jamie's hair, lifting her
head back. Tears well up in the brunette's eyes as McCarthy tries
to scalp her. With a resounding 'crack,' McCarthy's right fist
explodes into Luner's jaw. The actress shudders. Bam! Another
fist slams into her chin. Luner rolls to her side.
Jenny scoots over and jams both knees into Jamie's back. The blonde
grabs Jamie's head and pulls Luner into a neck scissors. Jenny
rests on her elbows, Luner's head is trapped between her thighs.
Giving it all she's got, Jenny crunches Jamie's neck. Luner struggles
mightily. She tries to dig her fingers into McCarthy's thighs.
Jenny grabs her victim's right hand and bends back on the wrist
and fingers mercilessly. Luner shrieks, twisting her body from
side to side for a few moments, but all her failing leaves her
exhausted as Jenny cuts off her oxygen.
McCarthy suddenly snaps her legs open. She stands, leaving Jamie
sprawled out on the mat.
The nasty blonde walks around the circle, threatening, "Who
thought this trash could beat me!, Who cheered for this ugly bitch!."
Jenny turns back to Luner. With exaggerated disdain, the blonde
uses one foot to roll Luner onto her belly. McCarthy leaps high
and hits a perfect knee drop that nearly breaks the brunette's
back. McCarthy hair hauls Luner to her feet and buries her right
fist in Jamie's gut. Twice more, McCarthy blasts Luner in the
belly, leaving her gasping for breath on rubber legs. Jamie slumps
down but Jenny yanks up on her hair. Jenny twists her left hand
into Jamie's hair and drags her over to the jeep. She slams Jamie's
head into the hood, spins her around and bends her back across
the hood, planning to repay Luner in kind for the humiliating
beating she endured. McCarthy rips off Jamie's tube top and lays
into her, blasting the brunette's chest and belly repeatedly with
elbow smashes. McCarthy steps back. Luner somehow manages to slide
off the hood, standing on very shaky legs. Jenny steps back spins
and nearly decapitates Luner with a devastating kick to the head.
Luner falls forward, out cold.
Just for fun, Jenny hauls Luner back to her feet and twists her
into a hammerlock. With one hand yanking up on the brunette's
spandex shorts, she cranks up the pressure on the beaten brunette's
arm. Jenny drags Luner around the crowd shouting, "I am the
greatest, I am the greatest!" Spinning Luner around in circles,
McCarthy pitches Luner into the crowd.
"End of the road, you sleasy bitch," shouts the battered
but victorious McCarthy, "Now, let's hear it!"
"Jenny! Jenny!" the crowd chants.