Hayden Panettiere vs. Lucy Hale: Chaos In The Commissary by Archer

Lucy Hale sat at a strategically located table in the network commissary and observed Hayden Panettiere sweep majestically into the room. Not an easy thing to do when you're far smaller (5'1 3/4" to 5'8") than the older woman accompanying you, namely Ali Larter, but it seemed to Lucy that Hayden was pulling it off. Lucy scowled.

"Who elected her 'Queen'? She's no older than I am. In fact, I'm a month OLDER than her," Lucy informed her companion, the 5'7” BIONIC WOMAN and her costar, Michelle Ryan.

"Queens are rarely elected, my dear,” Michelle observed. “They inherit their throne. I must say, she certainly has the air of royalty about her."

"It's all hype!” Lucy grumbled. “She makes up stories about being this great fighter and leaks them to those 'net nerds’ and they eat it up! She doesn't look so tough."

"Famous last words, dearie," Michelle warned. "Now I admit the older blonde with her is someone I'd like to have a go at. Ali Larter, isn't she?"

"Yeah, Larter," Lucy said. But her eyes were on Hayden who was heading for a big metal bowl of juicy cole slaw. As she piled it on her plate, Lucy sneered. "Look at that. Not even a decent tossed salad. Cole slaw! She'll be a little blonde balloon in a year or two."

“I hear she works it off kick-boxing," Michelle said with a smile. “Think I read that on one of those ‘net nerd’ web sites.”

"I suppose…oh, jeez, she's coming over!" Lucy gasped.

Sure enough, Hayden was sauntering straight toward Lucy. Ali Larter trailed behind, a knowing smirk on her face. Michelle shrewdly deduced this was a scene the big blonde had seen before and she gave Lucy a nudge, "Watch out, kid!"

Lucy seemed frozen, watching Hayden approach, but Michelle's words seemed to snap her out of it. Hayden was giving Lucy her trademark half-smirk, half-smile. As Hayden drew nearer, Lucy pasted on an expression of bored indifference. She maintained it even as Hayden now stood across the small table holding her tray with the plate piled high with cole slaw.

"You seemed to be watching me so I thought I'd come over and introduce myself. I'm Hayden Panettiere...and you are?"

"Lucy Hale," Lucy blurted as she automatically rose to her feet so fast her jean-clad thighs hit the table, rattling it alarmingly.

To Lucy's dismay, Hayden chuckled with what Lucy took for mockery, "Careful, Lucy, you might hurt yourself." Then Hayden asked, “Am I that scary? Really, hon, I'm a nice girl down deep."

"Must be very deep," Lucy snorted to which Michelle added a supportive snicker.

Hayden's eyes narrowed. She dropped her tray on the table and glanced at Ali, "I see we have a feisty one here. A little brunette with a big mouth. Mind your manners, dear, I may have to do something about it."

Lucy leaned forward, going nose to nose with Hayden across the table (Lucy at 5'2”) and snarled, "Are you threatening me?"

"Just warning you,” Hayden said, all wide-eyed innocence. “I don't like trash talkers, especially brunettes." Adding with smiling menace, "Don't mess with me. There, now you’ve gotten TWO warnings."

Lucy glanced at Hayden’s plate of juicy cole slaw, then back up at Hayden who was wearing what Lucy suspected was her practice cheerleader outfit, dark blue shorts and a white tee shirt. Lucy's right hand shot down and grabbed the plate of cole slaw. At the same time, she reached out with her left, grabbed the elastic at the front of Hayden's shorts and pulled, stretching it out from the blonde’s smooth belly. As Hayden’s eyes shot wide in surprise, Lucy dumped the whole plate full of cole slaw down the inside of her shorts!

The whole thing happened in a split second - too fast for a complacent Hayden to react until her salad formed a grotesque bulge in the space between her shorts and her brand new red thong! She stood stunned few seconds as cole slaw and juice streamed down her muscular thighs and soaked thru her panties. Hayden shivered in reaction to the cold salad. Lucy looked almost as startled as Hayden at her own action, but before she could say anything, Hayden reacted. Lucy had already expected a slap and put her arms up to block it, but Hayden had another, better, idea!

She shot her arms forward, hooking them under Lucy's arms, then with a single swift movement, put her foot up to brace herself against the table as she yanked Lucy upward and fell over backward. Caught in Hayden’s Double Underhook, the astonished Lucy was snatched up and over the table and…once she had cleared it…Hayden swung her around like some bizarre Dancing With The Stars contestant, then flung her halfway across the room.

Lucy slammed up against a table holding a big bowl of lettuce and leafy greens for tossed salad lovers and several large bowls of dressing: French, Russian, Italian, etc. When Lucy tried to pull herself up by grabbing the edge of the table, Hayden drove a sneakered shoe into her back, knocking her headfirst across the table. The next thing Lucy knew, Hayden had her by the hair and was shoving her face into the bowl of Italian dressing!

After a few seconds. Hayden yanked Lucy's head out of the Italian and then thrust it back down into the thicker Russian dressing. Lucy's arms were flailing uselessly and all she knew was she couldn't breathe! Hayden lifted the brunette’s head again and was about to introduce her to the French Dressing when a CRASH from behind drew her attention. She looked back and saw Ali Larter struggling with Michelle Ryan.

Hayden hadn't realized it, but when she shoved the table to leverage her Double Underhook it caught Michelle Ryan starting to rise from her chair and she’d been knocked over backward when the table hit her. She and her chair and gone down. Michelle quickly scrambled to her feet and started toward Hayden and Lucy - until Ali Larter stepped in her way!

"Let ‘em fight!" Ali said. Michelle might have agreed, but she could see Hayden trying to drown Lucy in salad dressing, so she tried to force her way past the blonde to help her friend. Michelle discovered to her dismay that she wasn't the only one who knew something about martial arts!

Ali and Michelle had a dandy exchange of martial arts moves; both were rocked but neither got the advantage. Still, the stalemate was enough to prevent Michelle from helping Lucy. Michelle finally decided to get Ali out of the way by grabbing her around the neck and pulling her into a head butt. Unfortunately, Ali beat her to the punch! When Michelle grabbed her and pulled her forward, Ali drove her knee up between Michelle's legs. The impact on her womanhood made the Brit forget the headbutt, and in fact, she tightened her grip on Ali's neck to keep herself from falling.

Ali wrapped her arms around Michelle and they staggered around until Michelle drove a knee of her own up into Ali's crotch. The blonde gasped and then they staggered around, both trying to land more knee lifts; knocking over tables and chairs and scattering patrons. It was one of these crashes that got Hayden's attention.

Seeing Ali was in apparent trouble, and sensing Lucy had been dealt with sufficiently that she’d be no threat for the moment, Hayden abandoned Lucy - her head coated in a thick layer of Russian and Italian dressing - and went to Ali's aid. Hayden jumped up on a table and was about to jump on Michelle's back but as she started her leap, she was hit from behind instead crashed down hard on her back!

Hayden had been tackled by Lucy who had wiped her face and saw the small blonde climbing onto the table clearly intent on going to do something bad to Michelle. Lucy charged after Hayden and dove just as Hayden was starting her leap from the table. She hit Hayden who fell backward - unfortunately for Lucy, right on top of her!

Ali had managed to unload a nice right cross to Michelle’s jaw that sent her Michelle flying back over the table Hayden had just left! Ali leaped on the bigger brunette and they both slid across the table and tumbled off - coming down on top of their small partners! Hayden and Lucy were crushed under Ali and Michelle who continued their fight, rolling and writhing on top of them while the smaller girls were too stunned to anything but grunt and groan.

Suddenly, all four of them were hit by a high pressure stream of water! Ali and Michelle stopped fighting and scrambled out of the way, which let Hayden and Lucy take the brunt of the powerful stream of water. It revived both small fighters and they too scrambled for cover behind a couple of overturned tables. Lucy ended up on her knees next Ali while Hayden found herself cowering behind Michelle with her arms wrapped around her waist as all four peeked out for the source of the deluge.

"That's better," said a 5'9 1/4” blonde as she turned off the water.

"Yes, said another woman, a 5'8" brunette. "Some of us just want to eat our lunch in peace."

"Who ARE you?" Michelle demanded as she stood up dripping wet, her top molded to her breasts.

"Wait!" panted Ali. "The blonde's Yvonne-something-or-other. I can't pronounce her name, but she's on that spy show 'Chuck'."

"The other one's Sarah Lancaster," offered Hayden. "I know her. She's on 'Chuck' too."

"The name's Yvonne Strzechowski," the blonde offered. helpfully. "But I shortened it to Strahovski...in case any of you want to look me up some time."

"That goes for me, too," Sarah Lancaster added. “The looking up, that is; not the shortening.”

"Sarah and I both suggest you girls take this outside if you want to finish it; leave us in peace," Yvonne continued, pointing the hose at them to emphasize her point.

"Actually, I think I've got to do something about my hair," said Lucy whose brunette hair hung in soggy ruins.

"And I need some new clothes!" Hayden said looking down at her drenched tee shirt and shorts which, she noted with a deep blush, still had a decidedly masculine-looking bulge at the crotch despite her recent exercise. She shook her shorts and bounced up and down a couple of times to remove the rest of the cole slaw.

"We ALL need new clothes," Michelle observed wryly watching Hayden’s antics.

"And hairdressers," Ali suggested. The others nodded in silent agreement

"Then you better get going! The Head of the Network’s on his way here to see what all the fuss is," Sarah said. The four hastily exited as the rest of the crowd applauded Sarah and Yvonne’s efforts.

By the time the Network Head arrived, the commissary staff (not unaccustomed to such outbursts) had everything nearly back to normal and everyone gave him the traditional TV network staff, ‘Catfight? What catfight?’ look. The bigwig just grunted. Knowing professional actresses as well as he did, he knew this wouldn’t be the end of it. As he left, he pulled out his cell phone and called his assistant. “Get with the writers and see how many catfights they can work into the scripts of ‘Bionic’, ‘Heros’ and ‘Chuck’ before the strike. Oh, and talk to the show’s producers about a couple of ‘cross-over’ episodes for the February and May ratings books.”

AFTERWORD (by Bigfan)

As Michelle and Lucy finish their story, Katee Sackhoff, lying on the couch, buries her face in the arm of the sofa to muffle her laughter. Michelle and Lucy are still dripping wet as they stand in Katee's trailer and they don't to enjoy being the focus of Katee's amusement. Katee stops laughing and finishes the tale herself.

"When you came back and almost got caught by the director and Producers, you had to hide in MY trailer!"

Katee's laughter breaks out anew until Michelle yells, "OY! You going to help is or not??

Katee's eyes widen and she grins from ear to ear, "Sure. You two can use my shower and I'll go get you clothes of your trailer." Then she threw head back and unleashed fresh gales of laughter as her guests scowl.

Katee then turned to Lucy, "Did you really dump cole slaw down her pants?"

When Lucy smiled a little and nodded, Katee rolled back and forth on the couch, unable to control her laughter.

When Katee finally got herself under control, she took the keys from the two brunettes and headed to their trailers to retrieve clothing for her co-stars. When she returned, Lucy had a towel wrapped around her while Michelle was using her shower. With their clothes as leverage, Katee forced the two brunettes to retell the story as they dressed.

After more gut busting laughter from Katee, she announced, "That does it. From now on, I eat with you two every day!"


Hayden and Ali sat glumly in Hayden's trailer as Kristen Bell stuck her head in and inquired, "Why didn't you two invite me if you were going to start a brawl? Is that any way to treat a new colleague?"

"Go away!" Hayden snapped.

"Hmm, my razor-sharp detective senses tell me you two got the worst of it," Kristen commented. Ali and Hayley had showered together and were now both in terry cloth robes with towels wrapped around their still-damp hair.

"How do you know?" Ali demanded.

"By those tell-tale hang-dog expressions on your faces! If you'd won, you'd have that 'glow of victory' look I know so well because I've seen it so often in the mirror after I kick some bitches ass," Kristen explained. Her comment got two sets of dirty looks. Then she caught sight of a red object hanging out of a hamper and quickly stepped over and pulled it out. "What have we here? A THONG? But, my word, what's that strange smell...?"

"Cole slaw!" Ali snickered as Hayden’s face flushed. "That sneaky little brunette cunt poured a plateful of it down the front of her shorts. Poor Hayden. Her brand new thong ruined!"

"Tsk-tsk! Little warrior; chin-up! You'll avenge that dastardly food attack on your prize undies. You will, won't you? And WHICH sneaky brunette? There's so damn many on the lot!"

"Lucy Hale, the little sister on BIONIC WOMAN. Yeah, I'll get her for this!" Hayden declared.

"Right. Just be glad she didn’t dump hot soup in there? It's a grim thought, isn't it?"

"OK, Bell, you've had your laugh. Get out! It was hard enough getting in here without being seen. Just leave us in peace," Ali ordered.

"And I'll bet you had an encounter with the 'Bionic Babe' herself. Didn't go so well, huh?"

Ali and Hayden got up and advanced on Kristen who was still grinning as she backed out the door, "Well, I think I'll be moving along. You two have a GREAT afternoon!"

They lunged at her, but Kristen slammed the door as she ducked out just before their groping hands caught her. Hayden locked the door and behind her and snapped angrily, "She's another one I'm going to get one of these days!"

"And I'm settling the score with that Brit Bitch - that Ryan. No Brit with a phony American accent gets the better of me!" Ali vowed.

Outside, Kristen Bell turned away trying to choke down the laughter. The gig was gonna be even more fun than she hoped!