Hayden Panettiere vs. Brenda Song by Archer

Contrary to popular belief, it isn't necessarily easy to become a Hollywood catfighter, and Brenda Song was the latest to find that out. Ever since she turned 18, she had been eagerly looking forward to her first real fight. Unfortunately, the girls she most wanted to fight didn't seem to take her seriously. Vanessa Hudgens sniffed: "You're too cute-looking, I'd look like a heel beating you up." Brenda's own co-star Ashley Tisdale had given her a disdainful: "Go away!"

"I am NOT cute!" Brenda fumed to herself as she walked through her favorite up-scale mall. "I am mean and sexy and I will use my mastery of martial arts to strike fear into the hearts of Hollywood!"

In fact, she had come up with a plan on how to do it. It was no secret Vanessa and Ashley had recently lost fights (and their panties) to Hayden Panettiere. They had both vowed revenge on Hayden, but Brenda was determined to undercut them both by fighting and defeating Hayden first. To do that, she planned to take advantage of Hayden's now notorious interest in collecting the panties of her defeated opponents. She knew Hayden had defeated Ashley at the "SILKS 'N SATINS Lingerie Boutique", so she had visited the store herself and put in a special order: a pair of red silk bikini panties with a green dragon across the front. She knew word of this could be expected to get back to Hayden (especially after Brenda slipped the store manager some money to ensure it did) including the pickup date.

Now Brenda strolled casually up to the store. She was wearing a simple outfit, but one that would allow her plenty of fighting freedom: a light blue tee shirt over a lacy tan bra and a dark blue miniskirt over lacy tan bikini panties. She also wore thigh high silk hose. (They probably wouldn't survive the impending battle, but Brenda liked the way they made her legs shiny and the feel of them as they swished together when she walked. It was important to her that she feel sexy and menacing as she went into battle against the formidable blonde).

Brenda pushed open the door and walked up to the desk. The store manager produced the box containing the special ordered undergarment. Brenda inspected them, secretly looking around for Hayden. There was a girl in a trench coat and bobbed brunette wig lurking nearby. Brenda nearly burst out laughing, clearly Hayden was becoming over-confident if she thought that disguise would fool her.

"Would you mind if I tried them on? I want to make sure the size is right," Brenda told the manager who led the way to a private room where she could change and examine the results in the mirror.

Brenda coolly removed her tee shirt and miniskirt. Then slid off the tan bikinis and donned the red silk "dragon panties". Brenda had to admit they certainly looked good on her, but where was Hayden? Brenda had expected the blonde to burst in on her and a furious battle would commence. However time past, but all that happened was that Brenda stood there in her undies. Deeply disappointed, she put her clothes back on, but decided to keep the red silk bikini panties on. She left the dressing room and returned to the front of the store carrying the box which now contained her tan bikinis. As she emerged she saw the front door was now sporting a CLOSED sign and there was no sign of the store manager.

Brenda tossed the box on the counter and went into a fighting crouch.

"Jumpy one, aren't you?" Said a voice behind her.

"Yiiiii!!!" Brenda whirled around ready to meet the expected attack.

Instead, she discovered the trenchcoated bobbed haired brunette was leaning casually against a rack of sheer lace panties and bras.

"Hayden!" Brenda gasped, but kept her arms up ready to meet an assault.

Hayden nodded and removed her brunette wig: "A little cheesy, I know, but if you're going to try to trick me, I figured it wouldn't hurt to trick you back. You get those dragon panties?"

"Wearing them!" Brenda announced.

"I'd ask for a look, but I expect I'll get that chance soon enough," Hayden said.

"Wow, and I thought Vanessa and Ashley were conceited," Brenda commented.

"It's not conceit. I'm just that good," Hayden announced and unbelted the trench coat. She grinned as Brenda's eyes widened as she shed the coat to reveal black panties with little white bows and a black bra trimmed in white lace. If that weren't enough she had on a black lace garter belt that held up sheer black stockings.

Brenda finally found her voice: "Show off!"

Hayden laughed: "You know, that's true, but I wanted give something of equal value for your panties. You can take the belt, the panties and the bra."

Brenda was feeling one-upped. The angrily pulled off the tee shirt and shed the miniskirt. Hayden wrinkled her nose.

"You should have ordered a bra to match the panties. Tan does not go with red silk," Hayden said disapprovingly.

Brenda stomped her foot: "Let me worry about that! I'm going to take that whole set AND the trench coat. I'll send you home wearing a barrel-or at least a cardboard box."

Hayden laughed again: "You beat me and I'll do it!"

Brenda smiled wickedly: "Now I got you!"

Brenda unleashed a startling jumping kick that caught Hayden in the jaw. She crashed back against a display of teddys and body suits. With a war whoop of her own invention, Brenda leaped high and came down with a sweeping kick that caught Hayden on the side of the head and pitched the blonde head-first into a bra display, taking it down with a crash.

Brenda continued her rapid-fire kicking attack with a series that battered the fallen blonde's buns. Hayden was now howling in pain and rage. It was very satisfying to Brenda who backed off and waited for Hayden to regain her feet. The blonde's hair was over her eyes, her stockings were torn and one had come free of its garter.

"You are going to be sorry you did that!" Hayden vowed.

"I won't, but YOU sure will," Brenda replied and this time went into a whirling attack that had Hayden standing there in bewilderment until the edge of Brenda's hands chopped into opposite sides of the blonde's neck.

Hayden's vision suddenly faded and she felt herself falling backwards. When her vision cleared, there was Brenda gleefully standing over her, ready for more.

"Come on! Come on! Get up! I want to do this some more!" Brenda was saying excitedly.

Hayden cursed her loud and long. Brenda gave her a shocked look: "You have a very dirty mouth. Does your mother know you talk like that?"

Hayden erupted off the floor and grabbed Brenda around the waist. She then slammed her against a wall with tooth-rattling force. She then drove her knee deep into the heart of the dragon. Brenda let out a wail of pain.

"Don't make fun of me!" Hayden hissed.

Brenda glared. "Dirty fighter."

"You got that right," Hayden snarled and drew back her right fist planning to plant it squarely into Brenda's cute features.

However, Brenda saw the danger and ducked the incoming fist. Hayden's knuckles hit plaster and the blonde let out a howl. Brenda then used her double neck chop again. Hayden didn't go out this time, but she lost her grip on the brunette, who got a knee up into her belly. Hayden groaned and stumbled back. Brenda let out a martial arts cry and unleashed two swift kicks into the blonde's midsection, doubling her over, Brenda then leaped up and brought a hard chop down on the back of Hayden's neck. The blonde was smashed face-first into the floor.

Brenda now grabbed Hayden by the hair and pulled her up. "You only get what you deserve."

Hayden swung a fist into Brenda's middle, then grabbed her by one arm and whipped her into a display case of panties. Hayden then jumped on top on the brunette and tried to tie her hands up with a stray thong.

"Hey, you're cheating again!" Brenda complained.

"Yeah, I noticed that, too OOOOHHHH!" Hayden had started to reply only to get an elbow in the gut.

Brenda did a swift roll over, got her knees up under the groaning Hayden and pushed. Hayden went flying backwards, hit another lingerie display rack and went down hard. Brenda leaped to her feet and unleashed a sidekick that caught Hayden just pushing up out of the wreckage. Hayden's head snapped around and she was flung onto her face.

Brenda looked up and noticed it wasn't all that high to the ceiling; she climbed up on the display case, grabbed a hanging brass light fixture and did some swinging to build up momentum. It also allowed the dazed Hayden to stumble to her feet and turn around, trying to locate her opponent. She did, but by then it was too late.

Brenda now did a forward flip and with really great timing came down with both feet aimed at Hayden's chest. Hayden's eyes went wide with shock but she could do nothing to stop the impact. Hayden was lifted off her feet and sent crashing through another display rack. The light fixture than gave way and Brenda made a bad landing squarely on her back, knocking the wind out of herself.

All was quiet for several moments. Then Brenda shook off the landing and jumped to her feet. She cautiously approached the demolished display. A pair of legs in shredded sheer black stockings were thrashing uselessly. Brenda realized that Hayden had somehow become stuck between the shelves. Brenda climbed onto the display case and leaned over to look down at Hayden, whose bountiful breasts seemed wedged between shelves.

"Uh-oh, looks bad for The Collector," Brenda said regaining her good humor.

Hayden looked at her furiously: "When I get out of here--!"

"I don't think that's going to be easily done," Brenda observed. "I think you're really, really stuck in there."

Hayden attempted to deny it was true, but her breasts would barely move and pressure on her nipples was very unpleasant though the thin fabric of her bra still covered them. Her arms were somehow pinned to her sides. Only her legs moved and they weren't much help. Hayden felt a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach as the truth dawned on her:

"You've beaten me." She blurted out to Brenda.

"You giving up?" Brenda asked in some surprise.

Hayden sighed, "OK....I give up...you win, Brenda. Congratulations. You get whatever's left of my lingerie and I get the cardboard box."

Brenda was surprised again, "You really mean to do that?"

Hayden's jaw hardened, "I make a bet, I pay off."

"I am impressed, even though I still think you're a dirty fighter."

"This is catfighting, Brenda, of course it's dirty. Geez, you really ARE a rookie," Hayden grumbled.

"But I'm the rookie who beat the Great Hayden Panties," Brenda said cheerfully.

Hayden smiled ruefully, "Guess I'm not as great as I thought..."

"Ah, you just got cocky and you didn't know how to cope with my martial arts skills," Brenda continued chattily.

"THIS time I didn't!" Hayden said. "I still want those dragon panties. Try not to lose them to someone else before I come to take 'em offa you!"

"Oh, I certainly will try my best," Brenda snickered..

"Now, do you suppose you could please get me out of this mess? It's starting to hurt," Hayden pleaded.

It took a while, but Brenda and the store manager finally freed Hayden whose bra, panties and garter belt were much the worse for wear. But Brenda didn't care, they were proof of her victory (and the trenchcoat looked really good on her!) Hayden paid for all the damages (though Brenda insisted on playing for the broken light fixture). The manager supplied a suitable cardboard box for Hayden to wear over a flesh-colored body suit that Brenda agreed Hayden could wear in lieu of her lost lingerie. Hayden donned her brunette wig and used her cellphone to direct her limo to the rear of the store to allow her to leave without drawing a crowd.

Before she let Hayden leave, Brenda got a marker from the manager and wrote in big letters on all sides of the box, I LOST TO BRENDA SONG!

Then Brenda got out her cellphone and took some photos as proof of her victory. Hayden looked at results and grimaced, "You do realize this means war between us?"

Brenda nodded, "When I can fit you in! I expect to have a busy schedule from now on. After all, I beat 'The Collector'."

Hayden sighed and made her less-than- dignified exit. The myth of ‘The Collector's’ invincibility had been shattered and new, harder, trials were ahead. At the same time she looked back at the grinning Brenda Song. No matter what Brenda had said, Hayden didn't think the rookie catfighter had any idea how much trouble was headed her way.