Hypocratic Oak #3: Calico Cooper vs. Britney Spears by The Piper

I walked the streets of Phoenix baring witness to the hundreds of demented costumes that infiltrated the scene of this fall Halloween Night, 2004! The pureness of a mother & father with their youngest is deeply contrasted by the aggressive nature of the teens who continue to enjoy youth as they know it. Echoing out from my walkman is Alice Cooper on 93.3 KDKB! This is the time of year Alice lives for as portrayed by his rebellious image from growing up a ministers son. On this dark night that marks the end of Horrorfind Weekend, another lesson will be learned.

It was 12:30 am on November 1st and Alice was driving home after hosting his late night show. The streets that were once filled with laughing kids have given in to the dead silence of a Monday morning. Alice listened to the radio without even second guessing his route home until finally he heard a strange commercial that lured his attention.

“Join the Prince of Darkness, and see why he is known as one of the greatest entertainers of his time. Watch with the rock loving crowd as he performs his mind blowing stage show including the decapitation of Britney Spears. This KDKB sponsored event takes you on a journey off the beaten path to see the legend of the stage himself Alice Cooper, as he leaves behind him a bloody trail of Rock & Roll!”

The coldness of the voice that could easily be mistaken for Vincent Price sent a chill down Alice’s spine! He knew killing Britney was one of the biggest gimmicks of his show but never actually heard it being advertised outside of his interviews! His mind went into overdrive as he pulled out his cell phone to dial the DJ on duty named Talben, asking him if he knew anything about it. Talben had no clue what commercial Alice was referring to denying any such commercial existed to his knowledge. This of course added to Alice’s confusion as he pulled in to the drive of his Phoenix home. He finally gave into the night concurring to rectify this awkward occurrence in the morning.

With the haunting sound of Vincent Price’s voice stuck in his mind, he got himself ready for bed and rested next to his wife Sheryl for the night. As he drifted off into dreamland, it was our time to enter Alice’s mind completely.

As Alice dozed off, he found himself walking toward the stage in an arena! The young and feisty crowd screamed and cheered in his ears as he continued to saunter forward till he reached ground level. He was surprised when nobody stopped his slow scamper forward, but most everyone seemed to be concentrating on cheering the entertainer out for an encore. In a totally confused state, Alice tried to get the gist of what was on the stage that had been effectively concealed by the dark! As Alice approached further, he seen the Onyx Hotel back drop creeping out from behind the curtains!

“Onyx Hotel? Where have I heard of that? Britney? What am I doing at a Britney concert?”, deciphered Alice.

As he stood about 30 yards from the stage, all the commotion began to build up! He was totally out of place in his black robe and long hair, but he couldn’t help but feed his curiosity! Finally, the lights flashed on and Britney’s “Stronger” started to play over the stage monitors until ultimately out came Britney!

Alice looked in shock as Britney came out wearing a black tee-shirt that read “Alice Wants Me” and then on the back it said “Dead”. He knew she was spoofing his performance and actually got a little kick out of it. The shirt was just a little past her shapely hips leading the way to shinny black spandex type pants underneath. Not her normal outfit to say the least, but the typical dancers were in constant sync with her performance. While he watched her perform, he began to wonder what this all meant. The moment of labyrinth digressed our awareness to the scene behind the stage.

Calico Cooper was all dressed up as Britney, while listening and watching a monitor of what she thought was her father performing live on stage. Since Alice’s 2001 Brutal Planet tour, Calico has been playing the portrayal of Britney as a villianess to the rock loving crowd. For 4 years, thousands of people a night have cheered on Alice as he beat and beheaded Britney on stage. Calico’s cue was when the lights went out after his performance of “Department of Youth”, only this time when she went on stage it wasn’t going to be Alice who was waiting for her.

Britney moved into the second song of her encore performance, but this time it wasn’t one of her own. Much to Alice Coopers surprise it was one of his songs titled “Department of Youth”. His mind suddenly progressed from being slightly flattered to that of sudden interest as Britney left the stage only to return wearing a Cops outfit. Britney’s thin white blouse rested on top of a tight black mini-skirt fetishly accented with black fishnet stockings. When the lights finally went down at the end of the song, his apprehensive mind tried to restrain him from what came next.

Calico watched on the screen as the darkness filled the monitor! She adjusted her school girl uniform and when she heard “Laughing At Me”, she opened the door to the screaming crowd. As she turned to face everyone, the brighter more cheerful setting tipped her off that something was wrong! She stopped walking when she seen Britney was the one on stage, before turning around to head for the door. When Calico got to the door she seen the reflection of her impersonating self & Britney moving in on her from behind. Alice noticed his daughter and was completely uphauled as he tried to get to the stage to help her. No matter how hard he tried, a single step felt like it took him minutes to achieve. He was submerged in the aggressive teenage crowd that now deemed him helpless.

Britney grabbed Calico from behind and ripped off her blonde wig, leaving her long brown hair to flow free. As she spun around Britney threw her into her surrounding dancers who bounced her back and forth in circles until she was thoroughly disoriented. As Brit sang and danced she pulled Calico forward and decked her in the face with a right cross. Calico gracefully fell into the arms of the dancers that gently let her fall onto the ground. Britney pulled out her night stick and leaped into a seated position on Calico’s exposed stomach before slamming the stick against the stage next to her skull. Britney never did hit her, but the continual drubbing encompassing her flailing head struck the fear of God in her every wave of self defense.

Suddenly another one of Alice’s songs called “The Prettiest Cop On The Block” came on and Britney rolled Calico over while pulling her arms behind her back and cuffed her. Brit proceed to pull her up by the hair before smacking her upside the head a few times. This act of humiliation infuriated Ms. Cooper as she kicked her leg up attempting to catch Britney in the crotch. Calico found herself in more trouble when Brit caught her leg in one motion. She proceeded to crush Cooper’s knee with a vicious elbow drop, that caused the bound brunette to spin crudely to the hard stage onto her face.

Alice feebly watched as his daughter tried to get to her feet. Calico tried to slide her knees as far up to her chest to try and gain some leverage to compensate for her arms being pinned behind her back. Her white panties were in plain sight as her plaid blue and white skirt began to tangle within her thighs. When the next song began, Alice Cooper found new expressions through his own writings “Caught In A Dream”. He watched as Britney landed a massive kick to his daughters neck that sent her sprawled out in the center of the stage. Britney spent the next five minutes teaching Calico more words of wisdom from her fathers “Take It Like A Woman” by knocking her from one edge of the stage to the other. Finally, with Calico slumping forward in front of her, Britney bloodied her nose by crushing her face with a powerful knee. Britney then proceeded to unlock Calico from her bindings and dragged her to the back of the stage by the hair. Britney reached up and lashed one of the stages curtains to the side revealing a guillotine.

The now spineless "Prince Of Darkness" watched as Britney slammed his daughters head down and released the blade for all her fans to see. Calico’s head rolled forward as Britney got to her feet and picked it up before prancing the perimeter of the stage and slamming it on a stage propped Spear. The sound of a stunned crowd strangled Alice’s perceptions as Britney disappeared into the depth of the stage leaving him only to ponder over his daughters blood drenched head starring him in the eyes.

Oddly enough when the song changed to “Nurse Rozetta” Britney came out dressed in a white skin tight Nurses uniform dragging the real Calico by the hair. Mr. Cooper winced in relief as his daughter stumbled at the hips of the blonde performer. He knew that this wasn’t the end however, as Britney bent Calico over and landed a brutal piledriver on his beaten daughter knocking her unconscious. Britney signaled for her dancers to pick Calico up and place her on a doctors table in one of the made up rooms of the Onyx Hotel. Britney proceeded to strip Ms. Coopers clothes off piece by piece while performing through the song, flicking each piece of clothing in Alice’s direction.

When Calico was finally naked, Britney pulled out a syringe and smiled at the crowd. She took two half steps in Calico’s direction and injected her with Amphetamine in an effort to revive her. When Calico jerked herself up from the table Britney grabbed her by the neck and flipped her over the shoulder to the ground in one motion. Calico didn’t know what hit her as her naked form rolled from side to side for everyone to see. Britney silenced her yet again, by booting her across the face. Ms. Cooper once again flailed on the ground before coming to a rest at Britney’s feet. When Britney started to sing the final song of her extended encore conveniently titled “Fresh Blood”, she grabbed Calico’s ankles and dragged her to the back of the stage. Britney reached into her skimpy nurses outfit and pulled out a leather thong. Suddenly the bright lights hit the back of the stage and glowing brightly was a large Oak Tree. At this moment, Britney knew what she had to do as she proceeded to put the thong on Calico.

As the tree branches began to reach down to grab Calico, Britney turned around and walked to the end of the stage to face her victims emasculated father. With a sexy smirk and a snap of her fingers she greeted him, “Welcome To MY Nightmare, Mr. Cooper?”

As Alice watched his naked daughter being savagely raised up by a leather thong, he realized what he had done! He wasn’t just sacrificing Britney’s image to his thousands of fans a day, he was sacrificing Britney herself! Now as he watched his daughter hanging from the tree, he was finally able to feel Britney’s pain as the tune of his “Fresh Blood” saturated into his mind until it carried him to a bright light. When he opened his eyes from his sleep he found himself (practically naked) hanging by a thong on the Oak Tree. The gentle breeze grazed his body as he looked down onto the grassy landscape to see Britney staring up at him. As her hair blew in the wind she proceeded to wave at him with a vengeful smile. Alice knew when his mind flashed back to his daughters punishment how and why he'd gotten there.

There we were staring up into the bright sunny skies on this Greek Island. The wondrous beauty of the Oak Tree spilled out emotions that could never be described. On it’s branches were naked bodies that were symbols of hatred, and betrayal. On one side was Jessica Simpson, Amy Lee, Kathy Stinehour, Goth Boy and half of the Kiss FM staff. Now on the other side was Alice, Calico Cooper and many others that were involved in his stage show. Slowly, we began to see a beautiful portrait being created with each and every knife we pulled out of Britney’s back. Unfortunately the two of us knew, that the pathway to alleviate alleviance had only been half unveiled.