Part One: It Begins - Molly Ringwald vs. Phoebe Cates by Blackcape

Last Written Statement From Dr. Hawthorne
I, Dr. Henry Hawthorne, do hereby declare this statement to be a valid, genuine document, for it contains my signature of authenticity. As I am certain of my future demise at the hands of my own murderous creations, my intent is to describe the actions that I have taken, actions that will inevitably lead to my downfall. After completion, this document will be sealed in a safety-deposit box, to be opened only upon my death by my manservant, Kiki.

My fixation upon female celebrity occurred at an early age. As a teenager living in Paris, I grew enamored of the great fantasy women of my time: Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and the like. A sullen, depressed youth, I was fully aware of the incessant erosion time would have upon these sculpted faces (luckily, the two specific women mentioned met their fate relatively young - one can scarcely imagine a 60 year-old Marilyn Monroe now). Their pinups adorned my squalid room, littered as it was with test tubes and beakers which were the result of my second passion, science.

Eventually, I was able to bring both of my obsessions together. I went on to study Biological Sciences at Le Universite de Paris, earning my doctorate by 1965. It was then that I began to conduct illicit experimentation in the basement of an abandoned castle on the outskirts of Paris, presumed haunted by the local villagers. My research moved fairly quickly from field mice to pigs and goats, and by 1980, my peculiar vision had resulted in a cloning patent (which the United Nations would inevitably steal and use for their own experimentation on sheep with resounding success). After my patent was confiscated, I founded The Society for Celebrity Experimentation and Longevity (SOCEL for short). I hired like-minded individuals, set up shop in the infamous Bald Mountain Castle, and began work immediately.

In the 1980's, celebrities were required to submit blood work to the studios, proving themselves 'clean' for a given role. I had a mole infiltrate the studio labs and steal vials of blood, from which I extracted DNA samples. From there, it was simply a matter of chemical fertilization, followed by a gestation period inside mechanical "eggs". This process yielded an unexpected result, for upon birth, these "clone children" aged faster than normal, reaching five years of age for a non-clone's one. Alas too, our first experiments proved worthless, as the brain function and motor controls for our first clones were nonexistent. With the introduction of the Molly Ringwald and Phoebe Cates DNA however, things would take a decidedly different turn.

By 1982, my interest in military intelligence led me to the notion of creating a race of fighting clones, individuals designed solely for the purpose of destruction. Perhaps a patent in this direction would yield a more lucrative result! It was then that I concocted the idea of mixing human DNA with DNA extracted from the Red Ant of South America, certainly one of the most vicious, cunning, brainless creatures on the entire planet. I began my experiment with DNA extracted from Phoebe Cates before her role in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High."

Unfortunately, I was arrested and jailed near the end of 1982 for a period of four years, during which time my manservant Kiki had placed Cates' vial of DNA in the sub-zero freezer. Upon my release in 1996, I had my mole retrieve the DNA of Molly Ringwald from the set of her movie, "Pretty In Pink." I performed the same Red-Ant experimentation as I had before, placed both samples in their respective mechanical fertilizing eggs, and within four months, my team and I had given birth to the Cates and Ringwald clones!

As violent tendencies are a part of both genetic engineering and social environment, I decided to raise the two girls separate from each other, allowing each free reign of one half of my castle. They were to see each other only for confrontation experiments had resolved not to teach them speech or communication, but rather physical maneuvers designed to incapacitate an opponent.

Both girls grew at the same pace. For the first two years, I trained them in the use of their limbs as weapons, how to punch, kick, scratch, choke, stomp and scissor their enemies using either blow-up dolls, servants or at times myself as the "victim". Of the two, the Cates clone was more aggressive, though it wasn't long before the Ringwald clone surpassed her sister in terms of 'creative abuse.' Early on, I made each aware of the other's existence, but their mutual need for a paternal figure eventually grew into seeds of jealousy and resentment against the other. Being left alone for half of the day, each realized I was with the other, and their intense rivalry grew.

By the end of the second year, I had a pit installed in one of the main living quarters. 10 feet wide and four feet deep, this was to be their arena. I allowed them to scuffle every six months afterward, from which neither would really be considered the victor. I finally decided that more training would be necessary between what would be their nineteenth and twentieth years.

As it turned out, the Cates and Ringwald clones would meet for a final time at the end of their fifth year in existence, and it is interesting to note that due to a side-effect caused by the Red Ant DNA, the girls ceased to age any further than when their genetic samples were taken; consequently, the Ringwald clone remained a perfect replicate of the actual actress in "Pretty in Pink", and the Cates clone duplicated the look of the real Cates in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." Also, as their fifth year drew to a close, each girl was sexually mature and hungry for physical interaction.

Pleasing the clones proved to be impossible; I would send servants into their rooms to placate their physical impulses, after which the clones would kill their mates and leave me with the distasteful function of disposing the bodies. I decided to channel this sexual hunger into their physical maneuvers by teaching each the art of the breast smother, the facesit and the grapevine.

In no time at all, the date of their final conflict had arrived. As I told the girls, each went mad, destroying her respective bedroom with excitement and fury. I then proceeded to the pit, where I set up my photographic equipment and prepared myself for the destruction of one of my lovely 'creations.'

At 8 p.m., I sounded the alarm bell utilized for calling the girls from their rooms. The Phoebe Cates clone arrived first, topless and wearing a red thong. She sat at the edge of the pit and massaged her breasts while the Molly Ringwald clone approached, she too topless and wearing a pink thong with pink stockings that reached mid-thigh.

I was about to say, "Kiki, prepare the girls for battle," when the Ringwald clone leapt into the pit, grabbed the Cates clone by the breasts and yanked her forward, tossing her face first into the arena. Ringwald was upon her in an instant, stomping Cates' body into the hard cement floor.

Unable to speak, Cates groaned in pain and attempted to rise to all fours, but Ringwald dove down, driving a knee into the small of her back. Straddling her opponent now, Ringwald reached behind her and yanked up on Cates' red thong, wedging it deep into the ass crack while with the other hand, snatched a fistful of raven hair and pulled back, revealing Cates' pain-stricken face and full, round breasts. As Cates' arms flailed uselessly at her sides, the Ringwald clone arched back even further, bending her foe into a half-moon shape before grasping the back of her skull and smashing her face into the cement. Precious DNA blood began to flow from a gash on Cates' forehead.

Dragging the dazed Cates clone to her feet, Ringwald took her foe by the hair once more and landed three quick sharp blows to the face. Then, backing her against the rim of the arena, the Ringwald clone bent her foe's head up and over the side, pinning her with an elbow to the neck and raining fists upon Cates' upturned breasts. The Cates clone gurgled and grunted as Ringwald ground her elbow deeper and deeper into her windpipe. With no other recourse, Cates frantically began to kick her legs in hopes of reaching something. This idea soon brought results.

An errant knee found its mark between the redhead's milky thighs. The Ringwald clone released her hold and fell to the ground holding her wounded womanhood, as the Cates clone leapt upon her shoulders and secured a standing leg scissors. Ringwald's hands quickly darted to Cates' steel thighs and attempted to pry them apart, but to no avail. Cates flexed her ass muscles once, twice and again while her foe choked and gasped beneath her, pink pantyhose legs shooting this way and that, Ringwald's lightly speckled ass pumping up and down as though she were trying to yank her way from out of the trap.

After about two minutes of this torture, the Cates clone released her hold, only to slide down Ringwald's smooth back and apply a classic sleeper. The redhead shuddered and struggled slightly, while the Cates clone rubbed her crotch provocatively against her opponent's lower body. Within minutes it was Ringwald who was on all fours, with Cates riding her like a miniature pony.

With the sleeper taking effect, Ringwald's arms gave out and she fell tits first to the cement floor, ass still sticking up in the air like a white flag of surrender. In one swift motion, the Cates clone raised her body up and splashed back down on her opponent, flattening Ringwald in the process.

Sitting up slightly, the Cates clone rolled the Ringwald clone onto her back and cupping her breasts for emphasis, dropped her round assets into her enemy's face. The redhead's muffled groans could be heard, even while her brunette attacker ground her breasts even harder against her victim. Ringwald's fingers once more found the rim of Cates' thong and pulled up in an attempt to remove her opponent, but Cates simply spread her legs wide and began humping away at Ringwald's bare stomach.

As Ringwald's struggles became weaker, the Cates clone removed her breasts from Ringwald's face and, scooting up her foe's body, planted her curvy ass on top of the redhead's pert boobs. Ringwald let out a little cry as Cates bounced forcefully up and down several times, smashing the soft flesh as though it were putty, even while Cates arched her back and cupped her own ample breasts as though in supplication. Then, while the redhead writhed beneath her, Cates bounced quickly from her foe's breasts to land squarely on Ringwald's lightly freckled face.

The Cates clone drove her hard, wet womanhood harder and deeper onto her victim's face, humping and grinding away with the antagonism of one who has been deprived of sexual fulfillment for many a year. Grabbing the redhead by the hair, the brunette pulled her foe's complexion fully into her thighs and pumped away frantically, muffling whatever sounds might have been heard from Ringwald, who had latched her hands onto Cates' ass cheeks and was trying in vain to pry them off of her face.

With a final shove, the Ringwald clone was able to catch the Cates clone on a downswing and succeeded in knocking her attacker off balance. Cates flew off of Ringwald's face and landed hard against the side of the arena, smashing her face and breasts against the concrete walls. Wasting little time, the redhead lunged at her opponent and grabbing Cates by the ankles, dragged her prey into the center of the pit. Flipping the brunette to her back, Ringwald spread Cates' legs wide and drove her ankle into the clone's womanhood, grinding harder and harder while her opponent writhed and arched her back in pain.

Standing Cates up, Ringwald stuffed her foe's head between her legs, flush with her pussy, and in a sudden move, fell to her knees, driving Cates' face into the floor. The brunette's body immediately went into convulsions, even while Ringwald stood up and repeated the move twice more, knocking her opponent completely out. On the third piledriver, the Ringwald clone remained perched atop the head of her rival, pumping her ass up and down and from side to side, grinding Cates' face into the concrete.

Finally tiring of this, the redhead flipped her defeated victim onto her back and scooting forward, dropped her perfect ass onto the brunette's face. At this, Cates awoke somewhat, her legs kicking slightly even while Ringwald began to pump and grind on her foe's pretty eyes, nose and mouth. After two minutes of this, the Cates clone was reduced to a small series of convulsions, as the Ringwald clone arched her back, let out a gasp and came all over her victim's face. Cates' body arched up once, her arms and legs shook violently, and then she was still. Ringwald remained on her foe's face for two minutes more, grinding ever so slightly on her favorite seat, before deciding to remove herself.

Squatting over her fallen adversary, Ringwald slapped Cates awake, and hauled her to her feet by her tits. Then, just as quickly, the redhead wrapped her arms around her foe's lower back and, lifting her from the floor, applied a bone-crushing bear hug. The Cates clone moaned in agony and in an attempt to escape, wrapped her lithe legs around Ringwald's body while encasing her arms around her enemy's head and burying her face in her breasts. This seemed to infuriate the Ringwald clone even more, and she tightened her grip around her foe in a certain death struggle.

Both girls arched their backs, straining their muscles in a fight to the finish. Though the Ringwald clone was stronger, she was running out of air from the Cates' clone's breast smother. Continuing her grinding bearhug, the redhead fell to her knees, her short breaths barely audible through the brunette's heaving breasts. The redhead fell forward, landing atop of Cates with her hold intact. Both Cates' leg muscles and Ringwald's arms were like steel traps, each sprung to their limit. And then, the room was filled with a loud crack. The Cates clone let out a sharp gasp, her arms flopped to her sides, and her legs fell open and began twitching.

The Ringwald clone removed her face from Cates' breasts with an audible sucking sound and crawling atop her broken opponent, grapevined the brunette's legs. Winding her arms beneath her foe's, the redhead reached up and placing both hands against Cates' chin, pulled down, bending her foe's neck to the breaking point. Ringwald continued the pressure in short jerking motions until her opponent was completely unconscious.

I immediately sent four of my servants into the pit to retrieve the victor, who was led back to her abode. Fortunately, I was able to mend the broken back my Cates clone had suffered but she is no longer able to participate in my experiments and now sits dejected in her room, silent and worthless.

Since that time, I've collected hundreds of DNA samples from a variety of celebrities, many of whom are growing this very moment within the confines of my castle. I am presently training my Britney Spears, Mariah Carey and Halle Berry clones in the art of defense, and my Alicia Silverstone clone is in the mechanical egg. However, though my experiments continue, I have begun to fear for my safety. Although I am indeed their paternal (and dare I say it, Godly) figure for all of my creations, it is possible that one day they may decide to rebel, just as Oedipus inadvertently killed his own father, as Frankenstein's monster repeated the same, or as mankind has rebelled against their nameless creator. When and if this happens, I indeed hope that this statement survives as a testament to my genius, my courage, and my vision.

Henry Hawthorne

The Tenth Day of June
Part Two: The Castle of Clones - Molly Ringwald vs. Alicia Silverstone by blackcape 10/19/2000

Call me Ishmael...

Not long ago I was drinking away my sorrows in a local pub when a very odd little man approached me with a fantastic story. He told me that his name was Doctor Hawthorne and that he was a physician to the stars. Furthermore, he claimed to have created a race of clones based upon his client's DNA.

"My castle is on top of Bald Mountain," the little man began. "Recently I have been experimenting with the hypothesis that violence and sexuality are similar, instinctual processes reacting to identical stimuli. Unfortunately, two of my experiments, my Molly Ringwald and Alicia Silverstone clones, have become unmanageable. I was wondering if you would like to accompany me to my castle and subjectively witness the results of my experimentation."

"What is involved?" I asked the strange little man.

"Merely Survival of the Fittest," he explained.

Within minutes, we were traveling down a long, narrow road through the lightning and rain to his infamous castle. Upon arrival, I was led to a large room wherein was centered a pit ten-feet wide and four-feet deep with a concrete floor.

Dr. Hawthorne clapped his hands and called to his attendants.

"Bring out the clones!" he demanded.

The Silverstone clone was the first one brought to the "arena"; her long dishwater hair hung straight down and she was clad a short, tight white thong. Her perfect breasts heaved with excitement and she cast quick glances around the room as she entered the pit. Then the opposing door opened and out stepped the Ringwald clone. She too was topless, her red hair bobbed short over her freckled shoulders. She wore a pink thong with smooth pink stockings that stretched to mid-thigh. Her pouty lips broke into a sneer at the sight of Silverstone and she rubbed her crotch with long, pale fingers in expectation of a fight. She too entered the pit and immediately the girls stood breast to breast, sizing each other up.

Ringwald cocked a fist back and slammed it into Silverstone's face, sending the blonde beauty to the rim of the pit. Ringwald followed it up with two more shots to the face, snapping back Silverstone's head in the process. Ringwald took Silverstone by the hair and rammed a smooth thigh into her face over and over until the blonde's lower lip was bleeding. In retaliation, Silverstone delivered an uppercut between the redhead's legs, eliciting a groan from her opponent. Then, straightening herself up, Silverstone took both of Ringwald's breasts in her hands and lifted the redhead off of the floor. Ringwald hung there by her breasts for a few seconds before Silverstone slammed her body into the concrete floor. The redhead arched her back in pain as Silverstone, still gripping Ringwald's breasts, straddled her foe and began to lift and smash Molly repeatedly to the floor with them.

To counter, Ringwald reached up and latched her long hands onto her opponent's dangling orbs, squeezing and mauling with all of her strength while titflesh oozed from between the fingers of both girls. As neither girl could talk, they could only groan and grunt in reply to each other. Silverstone, still straddling the redhead's body, arched her back in pain and tossed her head up, hair spilling down her back.

Removing her hands from Ringwald's breasts, Silverstone immediately found the redhead's soft white neck and began to choke the life from her foe. Ringwald's hands quickly moved to pry Silverstone's fingers from her neck and her pouty mouth began to emit gasping noises as the air was forced out of her. Ensuring a dominant position, Silverstone moved up Ringwald's body and planted her perfect clone ass on Molly's perfect clone breasts. She then bounced up and down sturdily, forcefully as Ringwald's legs kicked and twisted frantically behind her. Encircling her arms around Ringwald's neck now, Silverstone bent down and draped her shapely breasts completely over her opponent's face. She then squeezed her arms together, deepening her cleavage and burying Ringwald's frightened features fully beneath her.

Ringwald reached down and gave Silverstone a wedgie, but the blonde retaliated by rubbing her crotch against the redhead's smooth stomach. Ringwald's lightly speckled arms began to thrash, wildly at first and then slower and slower until only the twitching of her fingers was evidence of her consciousness. Silverstone removed the breast smother, held Ringwald's flushed face between her hands and with a catlike motion, humped from the redhead's breasts directly onto her upturned face for a forward face smother. Ringwald's red lips were buried along with the rest of her features completely beneath Silverstone's voluptuous ass as the blonde clone began to hump and grind away in sexual bliss on her enemy's face, ass and thigh muscles flexing and re-flexing with gradually increased action.

Ringwald's legs kicked back and forth slowly and the redhead's hands went immediately for the blonde's thong, but the lack of oxygen must have confused the poor girl, for soon her hands had become inexplicably bound in the thong's waistband near the bend in Silverstone's thighs. Silverstone meanwhile was humping Ringwald's head so hard, she was bouncing the back of the redhead's skull against the concrete and soon a small river of blood began to flow from her foe's head. Silverstone gave a sudden gasp of ecstasy, arched her back, threw her breasts out and gave one final thrust while Ringwald's hose-clad legs shot out spread-eagled in shock and Silverstone came all over the redhead's face.

The blonde gave little gasping noises while the redhead's body spasmed and convulsed involuntarily before going still, the only sign of life being the steady lift and sway of Ringwald's smooth stomach. Standing now, Silverstone leapt high into the air and came down heels first on Ringwald's crushed breasts. As she dug her heels in, the redhead awoke and issued a bloodcurdling scream. In an attempt to silence her, the blonde placed one foot on Ringwald's neck and smashed the other right between Molly's creamy thighs. Silverstone bounced up and down in this surfboard position while Ringwald arched her back in pain. Then, the blonde took the redhead's left arm in both hands and yanked up hard. The body twisted beneath her, but within a matter of seconds, the Silverstone clone heard the satisfactory pop of the arm separating from its socket.

Allowing it to flop to the cement floor, Silverstone took the right arm and shortly dislocated that one as well. Now Ringwald was deprived the use of both arms. Using the only possible maneuver left at her disposal, the redhead twisted her body as hard as she could, sending the blonde off and to her knees.

Immediately, the savage redhead hurled her body atop the blonde's and with a simple twist, trapped Silverstone's upturned face between her throbbing, partially hosed thighs for reverse facesit. Unable to hold her body up, the Ringwald clone lay prone atop Silverstone's body, her face bouncing atop the blonde's mound as she crushed Silverstone's head between her hungry thigh muscles. Silverstone reached up and encircled the redhead's waist with her arms.

Ringwald's victory was short lived, as Silverstone rolled them both over so that Ringwald's face was trapped beneath her pulsing cunt. Struggling to pry the redhead's legs apart to free her head, Silverstone began to lift her ass into the air and smash her mound into Ringwald's face again and again and again until the dazed redhead relaxed her legs and the blonde was able to free herself from Ringwald's juicy thighs. Standing again, Silverstone rolled Ringwald's body over until she was face down on the cement. Then, the blonde placed one foot deep into the crack of the redhead's ass, grabbed one stockinged leg with both arms and pulled up as hard as she could.

The Ringwald clone groaned in pain as an audible crack was heard and the Silverstone clone allowed the redhead's left leg to flop to the floor. She then repeated the process until the moaning Ringwald was left without the use of any limbs. Taking her defeated foe by the neck and jamming a hand between the redhead's legs, the Silverstone clone lifted the nearly lifeless body high over her head and then executed a perfect knee-drop, the sound of snapping bone echoing throughout the room as the Ringwald clone lay draped across the blonde's leg, pain-filled eyes gazing vacantly up, lashes fluttering in surprise.

Silverstone tossed Ringwald's body to the floor, straddled her back, reached down and placing an arm across her defeated adversary's throat, pressed her breasts against the back of the redhead's head, slowly choking her into unconsciousness. The blonde's back and arm muscles contracted and restricted, her body thrust down harder and harder until the Ringwald clone was out cold.

My gracious host applauded, a sneer crossing his face.

"Good girl," he said, "You have defeated your opponent! Come! Give your father a hug!"

At that precise instant, the blonde leapt up from the pit, encircled her arms around the doctor's waist and began to squeeze. I heard him scream as the sound of snapping bone filled my ears. The attendants fled in fear. I burst out into the rain and began my frantic run down the twisting road that led away from the castle, but as I did, I cast a look behind me to see the maniacal face of the Silverstone clone grinning at me through a side window. What became of that accursed castle I know not, but many is a night when I find myself unable to sleep, haunted forever by the clone's empty, yet violent gaze.

And I alone am escaped to tell thee...

(NOTE: Kim and Ginny looked into this matter extensively before agreeing to post this story. After interviewing several citizens of the purported area, we are unable to verify the accuracy of this report. Nevertheless, we are posting it in hopes that someone who reads it may be able to finally confirm (or deny) that it really happened. Whatever its truth or falsity, we can assure readers that - NO ACTUAL CELEBRITIES WERE HARMED!)