Total Knock Out Wrestling Show #1 by Pseudo Nym

Push in on an old TV (complete with rabbit ears). Between the static (crackle, fizzle) we can see faint images of lady wrestlers of the past, starting in black and white footage: Penny Banner, The Fabulous Moolah, Wendi Richter. As we see these images and the camera tracks closer we hear the voice of the movie trailer narrator:

“In thise world in every generation there are individuals who define a sport. Valiant gladiatrixes, doing battle, putting everything on the line for the viewing public. They live in a time when legends are born and only the strong survive. The next generation of these warriors is before us. Their time is…NOW!”

The voice-over ends just as the camera pushes into the television. All is dark and silent. 1, 1,000. . . 2, 1,000. . .

BAM! A huge guitar lick as the pink and black Total Knockout Wrestling logo explodes onto the screen and we go right into the opening titles, images flying by while The Donnas “Take It Off” plays under hightlights of previous bouts.

Jessica Biel nailing Laura Prepon with the ‘Stealth Bomber’ (Widow’s Peak); Kaley Cuoco flying through the air; Eva Mendes and Eva Longoria, their arms raised in victory; Devon Aoki delivering a vicious kick to the chin of Jewel; Lindsay Lohan posing, arms above her head, smiling sneakily; Alexis Bledel bridging back into the ‘A-Rory Bor-Alexis’; Tyra Banks dropping Mandy Moore with the ‘Tyrant’ (Choke Slam); Pink delivering a sharp ‘Punk Out’ (Heart Punch) to the breast of Christina Ricci; Rosario Dawson slamming Angelina Jolie with a ‘Five Boroughs Slam’ (Spinning Wheelbarrow Slam) and finally, Rosario climbing a turnbuckle to hold the TKOW Championship belt aloft.

The music stops and then we are looking LIVE at the sold out TKOW Arena where fireworks go off and the crowd stands and cheers wildly.

The next shot is of the TKOW broadcast booth and a thin, smiling man with glasses wearing a microphone/headset. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the sold-out TKOW Arena in Los Angeles, California for tonight’s edition of TKOW Savage Sirens. That’s right, we’re back and we’re back in style! This is Jon Keeton, here to bring all of your favorite TKOW stars back into your living room. And joining me tonight and every night is my broadcast partner. Legendary supermodel and legendary wrestler. You know who I’m talking about. Janice Dickinson!”

The camera pulls back to reveal Keeton’s broadcast partner, Janice Dickinson, grinning into the camera. “Hello, bitches!” she snarks.

Keeton is unperturbed, moving right along: “As you can tell from my cohost’s wonderful vocabulary, we are on cable now. Real cable. Anything goes now. The wrestlers can do anything. Anyone can say anything…”

“Fuck, shit, bitch, cock, balls,” Janice clarifies.

Keeton continues humoring her, “And there’s going to be some fine old-school action, too. But just before we go to the ring there is a very special announcement from The Boss. Our boss, J. Gavan Thorn, the new owner of TKOW. Let’s go to him right now.”

A smiling, gray-haired but athletic looking man, came onto the big screens in the arena and on television sets worldwide. At the bottom of the screen the text read “LIVE from Australia.” Indeed, the man does speak with an Australian accent.

“G’day! My name is Gavan Thorn. Most of you probably know that I’m the guy that bought TKOW and got it back on TV. If you didn’t know that ; well, I’m glad we could be properly introduced. I did do that. My entire life I’ve loved helping people have fun: with my TV stations, my newspapers, my video games. Now I’ve combined all three of my favorite things: beautiful women, beautiful celebrity women, and professional wrestling. I’ll always remember, when I was this tall, going to Melbourne to see the fights. Dingo Dick. Crocodile Gillis. Like it was yesterday. And now, for a new generation, I’ve decided to help create the same memories.

“I’ve never spared any expense in anything I’ve done. TKOW is no exception. Whether you’re here in the arena or watching at home, I promise you the best wrestling experience you have ever had. I can’t wait to see what our gorgeous, talented ladies have in store for you. I know they’re excited ; are you?”

The crowd pops. Thorn’s smile breaks even wider. He claps his hands together once. “Wonderful! Now before we get back to our thrilling show, allow me to announce just one thing. TKOW is going on the road soon for our next Pay-Per-View Event. Coming to you live from Las Vegas will be TKOW: Lady Luck! Keeping watching your TKOW programming and our website for more information on that. Finally, I’d like to do one thing. I’d like to raise a glass to you, our new friends in the audience there and at home.”

We see Thorn lift a big glass of beer (Foster’s presumably) up in front of his face. “Here’s to giving you all the best show money can buy. Cheers!” He takes a big gulp of beer, endearing himself immediately to the cheering masses. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and allows himself a laugh. “But enough from this old man; let’s start the wrestling!”
Match #1: Zhang Ziyi (5’5”,108lbs, Beijing, China) vs. Parminder Nagra (5’3”, 120 lbs, London, England)

Zhang attired in a black Chinese dress (with collar and diamond pattern cut over cleavage) bikini top with red designs, matching bikini bottoms. Short black boots. Flowing silky black hair. Nagra wearing a lime green bikini halter top, brief bottoms, matching knee pads. High black boots. Hair long and loose.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS) Parminder worked Ziyi’s right arm and wrenched away as she pinned her opponent down with a knee to the back. Ziyi groaned, face against the mat, as her eyes dart back and forth, looking for a way out. Her awesome speed and quickness have been neutralized for the time being. But she definitely knows that there is always a way out.

Parminder removed her knee from the middle of Ziyi’s back and laid down on the mat, reclining across her opponent’s back and pulled back hard on Ziyi’s arm. Ziyi’s senses tingled as she felt Parminder’s long hair brush against her left shoulder. From her position on the mat, Ziyi couldn’t see Parminder, but then, she didn’t need to. Suddenly, her left arm shot up in the air and back over her head, toward the unsuspecting Parminder. Ziyi’s left hand found its target - right at the point where neck meets shoulder. Gripping the meat of Parminder’s neck with her thumb and forefinger, she squeezed.

Parminder’s once confident eyes widened and she let out a scream as she felt strong fingers apply pressure. She couldn’t do anything but let go of Ziyi’s arm and fight this move. Using her now-free hands, she was able to pry Ziyi’s hand from her neck. Unfortunately for the beautiful ‘ER’ star, this allowed Ziyi to get back to her feet. You don’t want Ziyi Zhang to be up on her feet.

Parminder discovered this the hard way when Ziyi suddenly let loose a kick to the back of her left leg. She gasped and her leg buckled left hand grabbing at the back of it. Ziyi got a running start and jumped into the air, driving a boot right up into Parminder’s chin; the force of the blow sent a resounding noise throughout the arena and snapped Parminder’s head back. Her long dark hair trailed behind her and sprayed the referee with perspiration. Still on her feet but barely, she staggered backward, arms pinwheeling to keep upright. Ziyi sprinted past her, vaulted off the middle ropes, rolled through the air and caught Parminder in the back of the head with yet another sharp kick. Finally, Parminder’s eyes rolled up and she pitched forward towards the mat, landing face-first with a thud.

The camera caught Ziyi paused on one knee, black hair obscuring half her face. In her short TKOW career Ziyi Zhang hadn’t said much of anything, but in this case a picture was worth a thousand words: a grin had appeared, her one visible eye cold and calculating. She wasn’t a cruel person or a wrestler but she was sending notice - I like to do this to people.

Face first on the mat, Parminder tried to make her way to her feet, but she’s had obvious trouble communicating with her arms and legs. Ziyi was nice enough to help her to her feet with a handful of hair. Parminder moaned, trying to separate Ziyi from her long locks. Ziyi, though, was deceptively strong and maintains a good grip. She took hold of one of Parminder’s arms and whipped her hard across the ring into a corner. The sudden blow to her back knocked the wind out of Parminder’s lungs and she slumped in the corner, arms draped over the top ropes.

She couldn’t defend herself when Ziyi took another running start toward her and drove both of her boots deep into Parminder’s unprotected stomach. Parminder gasped for breath and coughed violently as she folded over, arms instinctively going to her poor tummy. Ziyi continued to waste no time and forced Parminder back upright in the corner. Still grinning at her hurt opponent, Ziyi took a few steps back into the center of the ring again and rushed back at Parminder.

Parminder’s eyes widened in fear at the onrushing young star and she dropped her arms to her midsection for protection. But as Ziyi approached the corner, she stopped on a dime and, using the top rope, lifted herself up in a horizontal position across the top turnbuckle, scissoring her legs around Parminder’s head and neck. Ziyi was able to support her weight with her arms as she locked her ankles, cranking on the pressure. Parminder, her arms now pinned down around her midsection, tried to escape, kicking and thrashing about. Her eyes widened and loud gasps escaped from her lips as she is choked in the corner.

Ziyi’s smooth, caramel colored legs tightened their grip around Parminder’s throat as the referee checked for a submission. The audience was taken aback by Ziyi’s skill. This was Ziyi’s first singles match, though she did win a Battle Royale at TKOW: Between Heaven and Hell. Nobody quite knew what to expect from her. But this…this they liked!

Ziyi unlocked her legs but did not dismount from the turnbuckle. Parminder sagged to the middle buckle, gasping and choking for air, her hands massaging her throat. She had started the match out strong, but her opponent was just too much for her. Any respite was interrupted when she suddenly felt herself yanked up by the hair. Still in pain and with little control over her legs, she was able to glance up and see Ziyi standing above her, on the top turnbuckle. Parminder’s dark hair wrapped around her right hand, Ziyi did the damnedest thing: she started walking the top rope, dragging Parminder with her.

Flashbulbs popped as Ziyi pulled her obliging opponent to the midpoint of the ropes. Ziyi stood above her helpless foe, who wobbled on weak knees, her chin drifting downwards. Suddenly, Ziyi released Parminder’s hair and sprung high off the top rope, leaping up split legged up and over Parminder’s head. Somehow she was able to turn in mid-air to face Parminder and as she descended, grabbed hold of her head. Sitting out, she drove Parminder face first into the mat. The force of the move bounced Parminder off the mat twice before she settled, face down, unmoving but for the slight kicking of her right leg. The crowd chanted “HOL-LEE SHIT!!” over and over while, on TV, Jon Keeton referred to the move as “The Great Fall.”

Ziyi sat at Parminder’s head, a dark smile completely across her face as she rolled Parminder onto her back, her head lolling to one side, her eyes shut. Ziyi reached up, grabbed both her opponent’s legs and pulled them back, folding Parminder into a textbook matchbook pin as the ref got down and counted what everyone already knew: 1. 2. 3!

The mysterious opening music to “House of Flying Daggers” blared over the sound system as Ziyi jumped up to her feet and adjusted her bikini bottom. The dark grin she had during the match suddenly turned into a wide, happy smile as she had her hand raised in victory. The crowd was still going wild, loving what they just saw from her. In its first match back, TKOW had definitely found a new star in the making.
Match #2: Anne Hathaway (5’8”,126 lbs, Brooklyn, NYC) vs. Emmy Rossum (5’8”115 lbs, The Upper East Side, NYC)

Hathaway attired in a powder blue bikini top, matching boy-cut shorts w/ a white belt, white kneepads and powder blue boots. Her hair is in a ponytail while Rossum wears a purple crushed velvet one-piece with black knee pads and boots; her hair long, loose and curly.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS) Anne tied Emmy up around her mid-section, Emmy’s hot breath blowing onto her shoulder. She lifted her up and spun in mid-air, like a textbook Belly-to-Belly Suplex. But instead of falling down to the mat, Anne dropped to one knee, her other knee at a 90 degree angle to the mat. Emmy continues downward, her back colliding hard with Anne’s bent knee. This now Belly to Belly Backbreaker caused a anguished scream to come from Emmy’s pretty face. Anne held her in place, one hand pressed down on her legs, the other pushing down on her chin. The effect was an upside down U stretched over Anne’s knee.

Anne hadn’t planned on being this cruel. Fundamentally, she was a nice person and had been all grateful smiles when she came out to the ring before this match. But this Emmy girl - she just rubbed her the wrong way. Not because Emmy got the lead female role in the movie version of “Phantom of the Opera” and she didn’t. Anne was annoyed by that, but that happens. But Emmy had talked trash then and now, making fun of her, that she’s from …gasp! Brooklyn, etc. Typical East Side snobby BS, she thought. Well, I’m going to show her.

Anne rolled Emmy’s body off her knee; once she hit the mat, Emmy rolled twice, hand to the small of her back, face wracked in agony. Anne knew what she wanted to try next. She grabbed both of Emmy’s long legs and dragged her back toward the center of the ring. Standing above her, she held both of her legs in a wishbone. Emmy looked up at her waving her arms, pleading for mercy. Anne didn’t hesitate -- she spun around one leg, grabbed the other and fell back in a classic, old-school Figure Four Leg Lock.

Emmy immediately started screaming and fruitlessly pulling at the point where she and Anne’s legs met. The referee was down on one knee asking her if she wanted to submit. No! NO! Anne reclined back on her elbows, taking the whole scene in with a look of satisfaction. This snob was going down! Emmy, in a last gasp move, used her arms to bridge her upper body up. Once she did that she could see behind her -- then a light went on! ‘Zounds!’ she thought. ‘The ropes!’ She released the bridge and stretched her long, thin arms as far she could, closer, closer. Quickly, her left hand closed around the bottom rope. The referee immediately forced a break from Anne. This was the first match for both of them - it was a rookie mistake for Emmy not to realize about the ropes sooner; as it was mistake by Anne that she had slapped the Figure 4 on too close to the ropes. At this point, though, Anne was confused.

“What happened?” she yelled at the ref.

“She forced a break,” he replied.

Anne’s hands grabbed her head in frustration - so stupid! She cursed herself. Meanwhile, Emmy was still holding onto the bottom rope with one hand, massaging her poor leg with the other. Anne decided to give this another shot - she liked that sound coming out of Emmy’s mouth - much better than her singing in Phantom. Most definitely! Again, Anne seized each of Emmy’s legs and dragged her closer to the center of the ring this time. She wasted no time in going for the Figure 4 again. But this time Emmy was ready. As Anne spun around, Emmy sprung her own leg out, planting it firmly in her opponent’s backside. A look of abject surprise took over Anne’s face as she flew out of control toward the ropes. She lost her balance and fell throat first over the middle rope. The cable imbedded itself into her throat and windpipe. She lay there, suspended on the rope, gasping for air.

Emmy scrambled her to her feet and adjusted one of her tank suit straps. She shoot her left leg a little to get the blood flowing again as she stalked over to where Anne lay prone, a devious grin coming across her porcelain features. Holding onto the top rope, Emmy placed her boot on the back of Anne’s neck. The cameraman on the floor was in perfect position for a close-up: Anne’s head hanging over that unforgiving cable, her shouts of pain choked off, eyes closed, arms flailing. The referee’s five count brought needed relief as she slumped back down to the mat. The ref backed Emmy off while she held her hands up like she didn’t do anything.

Anne tried pulling herself up using the middle ropes, making it back to her knees before Emmy rushed over and drove a big boot into the side of Anne’s head. She couldn’t have been any more vulnerable and the kick snapped her head sideways and rolled her eyes up toward the heavens. She slumped back down to the mat and now lay with the back of her head supported by the middle ropes.

Such brutality from a girl like Emmy - tall, skinny, delicate featured (she had come out to opera music, for Christ’s sake!) - took back the crowd. But they soon figured out what to do. They booed her and they booed her hard. Emmy didn’t seem to be disturbed. She only sneered and turned her attention back to Anne, who she pulled roughly back to her feet, standing her against the ropes. She went to whip her across the ring, but Anne was able to use the one advantage she had left - she was just physically stronger than Emmy.

Unable to fight Anne’s reversal, Emmy bounced back off the ropes toward Anne, now running at her with a very sloppy clothesline attempt. Anne missed, badly, momentum carrying her forward, off-balance. Emmy stopped in her tracks and when Anne - still foggy of head - turned, planted a boot into Anne’s exposed belly. With a loud “UNNH!” Anne doubled over. Emmy quickly hooked both of her opponent’s arms and spun around so that Anne’s head was at the small of Emmy’s back. She sat out and drove Anne face first into the mat. The Descrescendo hit home and Anne lay face-first, eyes completely shut.

Emmy could have gone for the pin right there if she wanted. She didn’t. Taking her time, pacing around Anne’s unmoving form, she knelt down, placing each of her knees on the back of Anne’s knees. Emmy reached forward and pulled Anne backward by the arms. She snaked her left arm around Anne’s neck so that Anne was pulled back, looking up into the lights, trapped just to the side of Emmy’s armpit. Emmy flexed her left arm and started to cut off Anne’s air. Anne started to gasp and panic. She could only flail her left arm as her right was pinned next to Emmy’s body with Emmy smirking down at her red, struggling face.

“Would you like to submit?” Emmy snorts.

Using her last bit of air, Anne moans, “Screw…Y…y…you!”

Emmy just tossed her hair back and laughed, “Screw me? Oh, you piece of outer-borough garbage!”

Then Emmy threw her right arm into the air, her fingers spread wide. The arena lights reflected off her silver nail polish making her long fingers shine like five sharp knives. With all her might she plunged her claws into Anne’s exposed belly, digging deep into the soft, pale flesh. Emmy now had The Fermata locked in place. (Why The Fermata? According to Emmy’s bio, it was because she can “hold it as long as she wants to”)

Defying her aching lungs, Anne let out a loud scream which quickly dropped into a constant moan. She stretched with her only free limb, looking for a escape, all to no avail. From Emmy’s perspective - looking down at Anne’s beet red face, her eyes frightened and bulging …this was just tremendous! Emmy gave one last squeeze as Anne finally stopped moaning and her eyes fluttered slowly to a close. The referee lifted her now limp arm. Once. Twice. And thrice.

The referee called for the bell as “The Flower Song” from the opera “Lakme” played over the sound system. Its docile, beautiful melody and vocal line was in sharp contrast to the cruelty that Emmy had just perpetrated. Emmy released Anne’s slumbering carcass to the mat and climbed to her feet. This was just an extraordinary feeling! she thought. It was marred only by the pool of spittle that Anne had deposited on Emmy’s left arm as she was choked out. That was just disgusting -- Emmy took care of it by quickly grabbing the bottom of the referee’s shirt and wiping her arm off with it.

She was completely oblivious to the boos as she took an honest-to-God curtain call, giving a theatrical bow to each of the four sides of the ring. She noticed a ring attendant climbing the ring steps with something wrapped in transparent paper. She ran over to him, stepping right over Anne’s wasted body on the way, and took receipt of a beautiful collection of a dozen red roses.

She made a big deal out of it, exclaiming, “For me? Thank you!” as she took them. She waved at the crowd adoringly, as if they liked her. As she finally left the ring, she dropped a single rose on Anne’s chest. The petals landed not far from her slightly parted mouth. Just as the medics finally came to attend to her, one could see the petals moving in time with each shallow breath.
Match #3: BFF (Best Fighters Forever) Kristen Bell/Amanda Seyfried vs. RED MENACE Alicia Witt/Lauren Ambrose

BFF in their emerald green tankini halter tops, matching cotton short-shorts with B.F.F. on back in white, matching knee pads and short white boots. Kristen’s hair is shoulder length and loose while Amanda’s longer hair is pulled back in ponytail. Red Menace has Lauren and Alicia in a blood red tankini top and matching boy-cut shorts and black boots. Both women’s hair is worn loose.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS) Kristen Bell and Amanda Seyfried needed a win bad. Both had nominal success in TKOW so far - actually, they were THIS CLOSE to joining Rachel Bilson and Julia Stiles as the pre-eminent jobbers in the league! Kristen had gone down hard to Lindsay Lohan (the first victim of the Sedative) and Gabrielle Union. Amanda had managed to beat Selma Blair in a ‘wrestle-in’ audition match but that was it. The closest they had come to victory was at TKOW: Between Heaven and Hell when they battled to a double count-out with the Buffy girls.

At the current moment they were being battered by a new team, Red Menace. Lauren Ambrose and Alicia Witt were in their very first appearance in TKOW. Honestly, they didn’t really know each other that well, but since they both had fiery red hair TKOW producers decided to throw them together as a tag team. Right now the two neophytes had Kristen trapped in their corner, where Alicia was running stiff shoulders into Kristen’s midsection. While the referee backed Alicia out, Lauren went to town from the outside, choking Kristen from behind with the tag rope. Kristen, pulled backwards, kicked her feet and struggled to escape. Lauren released her just as the referee turned around. Amanda wasn’t going to let this stand. She climbed between the middle ropes to intervene but the referee headed her off!

While Amanda tried to push through the referee Lauren made her way into the ring. They both cinched the wobbly Kristen up and suplexed her up and over together. Her back splashed against the mat, the force of the drop bouncing her back up into a sitting position, a hand at the small of her back. Lauren stayed in the ring while Alicia retreated. The referee had finally gotten Amanda back to her corner and turned his attention back to the ring. When he questioned Lauren’s presence, she said she and Alicia had made a tag. For whatever reason, the referee believed them.

Amanda pounded the top turnbuckle in frustration. This always happened to them! She remembered back to that time. . . Her reminiscence was interrupted when she heard the crowd pop loud. Kristen had just fired three sharp right hands into Lauren’s mid-section, knocking the red-head off guard. Kristen, who was down on her knees at this point, reached between Lauren’s legs, scooping her off her feet and down to the mat with a perfect Fireman’s Carry takedown. Kristen was still on her knees, swaying slightly, trying to get back into the match. She made her way to her feet, the crowd and Amanda cheering her on, and turned to a corner.

Except it was the wrong corner. Alicia got a big grin on her face as she saw the punch drunk Kristen staggering toward her. Amanda tried to yell to Kristen but Kristen continued on her voyage. As she got closer to Alicia her eyes widened back to normal and grin played out across her face. Alicia was expecting dumb Kristen to wander right into her web, but Kristen was thinking ahead. She suddenly rushed at Alicia, knocking her off the apron with a clothesline. Alicia fell down hard to the ringside floor. And using extrasensory skills she hadn’t noticed before, she sensed Lauren rushing her from behind. She moved out of the way, Lauren crashing chest-first into the turnbuckles, oofing for breath. Kristen snaked down and rolled Lauren up, pressing down with all her might. 1. 2. 3 NO!!!

Lauren just kicked out in time. But momentum was finally on B.F.F.’s side. Lauren, back on her feet, took a big swing at Kristen. Kristen easily ducked, moving behind Lauren and tying her up around the waist. Kristen lifted up and back, pulling Lauren over in a textbook German Suplex. Again: 1! 2! Uh-uh! Lauren was finally feeling the lasting effects of Kristen’s offensive. Kristen pulled her off the mat and pulled her into she and Amanda’s corner. She tagged Amanda’s outstretched hand, bringing in her bigger partner. Amanda climbed into the ring and pulled Lauren close to her, face to face: lifting her around the waist, Amanda dropped down to one knee, driving up into Lauren with an Atomic Knee Drop.

Lauren howled and held her injured womanhood as Amanda continued to press her advantage. “We’re feelin’ it now!” She whipped Lauren across the ring and off the ropes and as Lauren came back toward her Amanda left her feet and caught her neck in a Flying Lariat. Lauren immediately went down hard, legs kicking in pain. Amanda immediately went for another pin, hooking her right leg: 1. 2. Alicia ran in and broke it up with a kick to Amanda’s back.

Alicia continued to kick at Amanda’s back until Kristen came flying across the ring, her twin white boots catching Alicia in the chest, her Flying Drop Kick just perfect. Kristen climbs to her feet and starts brawling with the much bigger Alicia while Amanda tries to press Lauren. Amanda has the still stunned Lauren up on her feet and near the ropes. Unfortunately at the same time Alicia has gained a decided advantage over Kristen and tosses her through the ropes and to the floor. Amanda was going to whip Lauren off the ropes again when she is interrupted by a big right hand by Alicia. The blow knocks Amanda back to the ropes, arms draped over them, face drooping from exhaustion.

Both members of Red Menace regroup to whip Amanda off the ropes. They join hands an attempt a double running clothesline which Amanda, at the last second, ducks. She bounds back off the other ropes and leaps at both surprised members with a Double Flying Clothesline. The blows connect and send all three ladies to the mat. Alicia recovers first and is about to go back on the attack when something out of the corner of her eye makes her turn. Her eyes widen as she sees Kristen Bell perched on the top turnbuckle, smiling at her. Before she can react, Kristen leaps off the top rope and smacks into Alicia’s unguarded chest with a picture-perfect Flying Cross Body.

Amanda and Lauren are now both on their feet, staggered. As Kristen rolls out of the ring, pulling the stunned Alicia with her, they face off. Lauren tries a desperation right hand that misses, badly, and spins her around. Amanda grabs her and drives a knee into her gut. Lauren doubles over in agony while Amanda wastes no time, tying the Six Feet Under star up with a Front Face Lock. Pausing to lift her free arm as a kind of signal, Amanda pulls up Lauren’s head as she spins around. Dropping back down to the mat, she drives Lauren’s face hard onto her shoulder. Lauren pops up to her knees but just as quickly falls forward, victim of Amanda’s never-before-seen finisher, ‘The Gilded Lily.’

While Amanda rolls on top of Lauren, Kristen pulls Alicia down on the outside, Alicia’s chin slamming on the apron. Back in the ring Amanda has now completely rolled up Lauren, far leg hooked. Amanda counts along with the referee: 1. 2. 3!!

They finally did it! Kristen rolls into the ring and both B.F.F. members fall into each other’s arms, rolling about the mat, laughing and smiling. Their song, the Dandy Warhol’s ‘We Used To Be Friends’ plays as the crowd cheers them on. While they celebrate at center ring, the arena lights flicker a few times, sending the arena into darkness and back. On TV Janice Dickinson makes a lame crack about Gavan Thorn not paying the electric bill. In the ring, Kristen and Amanda only think about it briefly. Nothing was going to tear them down from this moment.
Match #4: Gretchen Wilson (5’8” 135 lbs, Nashville, TN) vs. Busy Philipps (5’6” 128 lbs, Chicago, IL)

Gretchen is wearing short jeans cut-offs, a tight black Skynard concert tank top and scuffy tan work boots. Her hair is worn loose. Busy has her red bikini top with laces across her breasts, black bikini bottom, red/black boots and her hair is in a ponytail.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS) Busy Philipps hoisted Gretchen Wilson up onto her right shoulder. She fought against Gretchen’s weight advantage as she carried her around the ring for a moment. Getting a running start, Busy jumped into the air and drove Gretchen down to the mat with a solid Power Slam. Gretchen arched her back off the mat in pain; she was quickly forced down as Busy tried to a pin. At the two count Gretchen popped her shoulder off the mat.

Busy smacked her own thigh in frustration. Sweat poured down her face and neck, pooling down near her impressive cleavage. This country broad was tough! She pulled her off the mat again, tied her up in a front face lock and spun around, going for the old fashioned Reverse Neck Breaker. Just before she could drop down Gretchen pulled her neck free of Busy’s grasp. Busy quickly spun around and charged at Gretchen from behind, but Gretchen ducked out of the way and, as Busy passed by, leveled her with a clothesline to the back of the head. Busy collapsed down to the mat.

Gretchen jumped down on her back, going for the a Camel Clutch. Unfortunately, Gretchen’s hands got in the way of Busy’s mouth and the blonde warrior took a quick nip at Gretchen’s thumb, catching just enough skin to send Gretchen sprawling away. Busy’s reprieve was short-lived though as Gretchen stomped at the small of her back with her heavy work boots. She scrambled on her hands and knees over to the ropes, hoping that would force a break. It didn’t exactly, but it did buy some time because Gretchen was pumping her fists to the crowd, trying to get them behind her. It was working.

Busy pulled herself to her knees, facing out toward the arena. Her opponent approached her, arms raised for a double ax-handle. Busy suddenly shot back with an elbow right into Gretchen’s breadbasket. And one more for good measure. Gretchen staggered back, holding her stomach. Busy was up again and gingerly making her way over toward Gretchen. As they came together Busy grabbed hold of Gretchen’s head and brought it toward her, dropping her with a Headbutt!

Getting a second wind, Busy bounced off the ropes and dropped an elbow straight down into Gretchen’s sternum. Jumping back to her feet, she dropped one more, right into the ‘Redneck Woman’s’ throat. Busy could feel Gretchen soften with each elbow. She was tough, all right, but Busy was, too. You didn’t have to be a damned country singer to be tough!

She pulled the aching Gretchen up and sent her into the ropes. On the rebound, Busy ducked down and scooped Gretchen up by the legs. She spun with her in her arms and planted her, a stiff Spinebuster. Gretchen bounced off the mat, center of the ring, her mouth wide open in pain. Busy sprung to her feet, already ready for her next move. With Gretchen splayed in the center of the ring, Busy made her way toward the corner. She climbed up to the top turnbuckle, hearing and feeling the crowd’s anticipation at a high risk maneuver. She knew (and her trainer had told her this) that she was a big girl to be going up top, but she loved Chris Benoit and, well, she had a hard head.

She was concentrating so hard on doing this move that she wasn’t minding her opponent. By the time Busy had climbed to the top rope and was perched, ready to spring, she saw that Gretchen was no longer laying in the center of the ring. No, she was running/staggering at the ropes, putting her full weight into knocking into them. Busy, trapped in no man’s land, could do nothing as the vibrations reached her, throwing her off balance. She fell straight down onto the top turnbuckle, the cold, hard unforgiving buckle meeting with her bikini bottoms and what lie beneath. She let out a yell that melted into a whimper as she sat there, stuck and stunned.

Gretchen was no longer stunned as she ran over to Busy’s corner and quickly mounted the second buckle. Wasting no time by showing off, she cinched up Busy’s head and bottoms and lifted her over her head. The crowd popped as the two went flying through the air and then exploded when they saw Gretchen had turned herself in mid-air, turning the Superplex into a SuperPowerplex! Her weight crushed busty Busy’s chest into the mat and the ex-Dawson’s Creek star let out a grunt as her body jackknifed and lay still, arms and legs splayed out like she was making a snow angel.

Gretchen jumped up to her feet, fists pumping, adrenaline flowing. She herself now made the way to the turnbuckle, quickly climbing up to the top. Like Busy, she was a bit big to be doing this, but she, too, had her own wrestling idols. Ohhhh yeahhhh, she sure did.

Taking a deep breath, she leapt off the top buckle, bending her right arm at the elbow. Like a cut-off wearing ICBM she drew a bead on her target as she fell. With a satisfying thud her elbow buried itself in Busy’s exposed chest, driving the air from her lungs. Busy sat up momentarily, cheeks puffed and eyes closed, before slamming backwards to complete stillness.

Gretchen rolled over onto the wasted Busy, pulling her leg back and holding on tight. She knew it was a done deal, counting along in her head for the 1, the 2 and the 3!

‘Redneck Woman’ played as Gretchen rolled off Busy and got to her feet. The referee raised her arm in victory as the crowd went wild. Running over to one of the corners, Gretchen climbed onto the second buckle and gave the crowd a big fist pump. She could be seen mouthing the words ‘Thank you!’ and ‘Thanks, man!’ as she took in the cheers. Unlike some other wrestlers, her gratefulness was genuine. And, most importantly, the fans could tell it was, too.


Back in the TKOW Announcer’s Perch, “Ladies and gentlemen, a few minutes ago some disturbing developments in the locker room area. B.F.F., well, let’s go to the video,” Keeton says.

We see Kristen Bell and Amanda Seyfried flushed with victory as they make their way down the hall toward their dressing room. They laugh and smile and babble to each other but once they get to their door they stop, looks of confusion and fear taking over their faces. The camera moves to show what they’re reacting to: scrawled on their door, in blood red paint (at least they hope its paint), are the words: ‘WE ARE COMING.’

Kristen and Amanda just look at each other, like ‘What the Fuck?’ Kristen grabs a techie walking by. “Hey, did you see who did this?” He shakes his head. “Super!” Amanda says. They cautiously open the door but the room is completely dark save for one source of light, a single candle burning on a table at the center of the room. Suspended above that candle is an 8x10 promo of B.F.F. The flame is *this close* to licking the corner of the picture. BFF approaches gingerly and suddenly, the candle flame erupts and flame shoots up, engulfing the photo in flames. Amanda and Kristen scream just as a techie rushes in with a fire extinguisher to put the fire out.

Kristen and Amanda realize that they are holding each other, frightened out of their wits. Their eyes ask the question: who did this? The last thing we see of this scene is the camera closing in on the remains of the B.F.F. promo shot: Kristen and Amanda’s smiling faces ringed with the black, charred carcass of photo paper.

Back in the Perch: “Man, they should really be more careful with candles. Something bad could have happened,” Janice snarks. Keeton just shakes his head. “Coming up, our main event: Liv Tyler, making her debut, one-on-one against Jessica Biel. NEXT!”
Match #5: Liv Tyler (5’10” 145 lbs, NYC) vs. Jessica Biel (5’8” 130 lbs, Ely Park, MN)

Liv in her customary white bikini with green floral print, green and white boots; ponytail while Jessica has chosen a black pleather bustier-style vest tied over her cleavage; black bikini bottom, high black boots and left her hair loose and wild.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS) Liv had a height and weight advantage on Jessica, but that’s about it. Jessica brought a big forearm down onto the back of Liv’s head, collapsing her to one knee. A double handed rake of Liv’s back drew a scream from her. Jessica just paced around Liv, smiling cruelly. Liv was able to struggle up to her feet, but in her eyes we can see how discombobulated she is. Jessica came over to her and delivered a double hand clap to each side of Liv’s head; Liv was now wobbling on her feet, completely overmatched.

Jessica corralled her into a front face lock, cinched her bikini bottoms and hauled her up into a Suplex position. Holding the heavier Liv up for what seemed like an obscene amount of time, Jessica leaps up into the air and sat out, driving Liv head first into the mat with a Leaping Brain Buster. Liv rolled onto her back, knocked just about completely out cold. The referee implored Jessica to pin her opponent now and the crowd was really starting to boo. But Jessica wasn’t having any of that. She rolled outside of the ring and grabbed a bottled water off the timekeeper’s table and climbed back into the ring.

Standing over Liv’s prone form, Jessica uncapped the bottle and dumped it directly onto Liv’s slumbering face. The ref yelled at her and threatened disqualification but Jessica laughed it off.

“You’re gonna DQ me for pouring WATER on her? Fuck you!”

The sudden splash of cold water sprung Liv’s eyes open as she coughed back to life. Jessica pulled her up to her feet by the hair, Liv whimpered a bit, biting her lip in pain. Liv’s wet face and chest glistened in the lights as Jessica paraded her around the ring. She stopped in the center of the ring and bent Liv over, placing her head between her legs. She lifted her up by the waist and swings her up and over her back, holding Liv’s neck on her muscular shoulder, Liv’s legs instinctively scissoring back around Jessica’s waist.

After an impossibly long wait, Jessica dropped down hard to her knees and drove her shoulder up into Liv’s neck. Liv gave a short, loud yelp as pain shot through her; Jessica released her and Liv hovered on her knees for a few seconds, arms lifeless, only the whites of her eyes visible, just before pitching forward onto the mat. The crowd boos Jessica’s Stealth Bomber move, even more so because by now Jessica is on her feet, arms out like, “Yeah, I’m great!”

Liv lay still on the mat in the center of the ring. Jessica came over to her and with a disdainful look on her face, rolled her over using the toe of her boot. Liv rolled to her back without any response, eyes shut, breathing shallow. One arm rested on her pale belly, the other at a 90 degree angle from her body. Jessica dropped to one knee and placed a hand on her chest. The referee dutifully made the three count.

‘Weapons of Mass Distortion’ by The Crystal Method played while Jessica gets to her feet. She shrugged off the referee’s hand and immediately started putting the boots to Liv’s body. Stomping and kicking her defenseless opponent, the crowd screaming at her. The referee tries to intervene, but Jessica greeted him with a big boot to the gut, doubling him over. She grabbed him by the back of the head, got a running start and tossed him over the top rope and onto the floor.

On TV, Keeton was screaming, “Jessica Biel has lost her mind. The match is over but she’s still going after Liv Tyler! Leave her alone!”

Janice just laughs coldly, “You know, I wasn’t too sure about this whole TKOW thing…but this is fuckin’ great!”

Jessica pulled Liv up to her feet and started to set her up for another Stealth Bomber. Suddenly though, the Beastie Boys’ ‘Ch-check It Out’ blasts over the sound system. The crowd popped and all eyes turned toward the curtain area. Bursting through the curtain is TKOW Champion Rosario Dawson. She wore her regular wrestling gear: a burgundy bikini top and matching boy bottom shorts, both made out of a shiny, metallic-looking material, black knee pads and boots. The TKOW Championship belt is slung over her shoulder. She held a mike, “Stop it right there, Biel!”

Back in the ring, Jessica broke into a smile and released Liv, who flopped back down to the mat, where she continued to lay still. Jessica motioned down the aisle for Rosario to bring it on. Rosario made her way down the aisle, staring intently at Jessica. Keeping up her guard, she climbed up the stairs into the ring. Rosario and Jessica stood face to face, Jessica’s nostrils flaring, Rosario’s face a calm sea.

“You’re getting to be a really bully, aren’t you, Biel? First you took up with Lindsay Lohan and her crew, now you’re doin’ this shit after matches? That’s all gonna stop…right now!”

Jessica, off mike, sneered: “Yeah, says who?”

“The TKOW champeen, that’s who! But I know what you want, you want THIS!” She shrugged her shoulder to indicate her title belt. “Well, if you want this, you’re gonna have to come after me, ‘cause beatin’ up Liv Tyler ain’t gonna get you it. Now, do you have the guts to take me on, face to face? Or are you just gonna go around picking on people?”

Jessica and Rosario continued to stand face to face. Then, in an end-of-Rocky III-moment both went to throw a punch at the same time. Both grapplers saw it coming and were able to block the blow. Now both are battling, throwing punches left and right, just flat-out brawling. The crowd popped at this impromptu scrum, but the cheers changed when suddenly, from down the aisle, came Lindsay Lohan and Kaley Cuoco. They fly into the ring and immediately start pounding on Rosario’s back. Cheers turned to boos as Jessica, Lindsay and Kaley started to overwhelm the champ. But then cheers again when Amber Tamblyn and Alexis Bledel came running down to even the numbers.

And that’s when all hell broke loose. From the entrance area comes a parade of Who’s Who in TKOW. Some in street clothes, others in wrestling gear; it doesn’t matter. Flooding the ring are people like Devon Aoki, Natalie Portman, Pink and Isla Fisher. Busy Philipps comes back out followed by Gabrielle Union, Tyra Banks, Mandy Moore, Katherine Heigl, Laura Prepon, Christina Ricci and Jewel then Rachel McAdams, Fergie, Ashanti and Kelly Clarkson.

Even several not officially on the roster yet, including Michelle Rodriguez, Thora Birch and Penelope Cruz.

The ring eventually filled with almost forty wreslters and from his broadcast perch Jon Keeton’s voice started to crack from the strain of yelling out each of their names. “We’re out of time, but this brawl is gonna continue. This is what you’re gonna see every week, folks. This is what TKOW is all about! For Janice Dickinson, I’m Jon Keeton ‘ good night, folks!”