A voice over narrator speaks, tinkly piano playing in the background: "Alexis Bledel's TKOW path has had its share of bumps [We see Alexis about to be Power Bombed by Angelina Jolie at the first Summer Smackdown]. and bruises [We see Lindsay Lohan drop her with the Lindsay Lo-down neckbreaker]. Now, she has risen toward the top of the pile, a wrestler respected [We see Alexis slapping the A-Rory Bor-Alexis on Jewel] and admired [footage of a smiling Alexis signing autographs]. Tonight, with her partner and friend Amber Tamblyn [We see Amber in the ring gesturing for someone to Bring It On], The Sisterhood will go for the gold [Last image: Alexis and Amber hugging after Alexis defeat of Lindsay Lohan]. However. . .

The narration continues but is replaced by a heavy metal guitar. . . "They will have to defeat Eva Mendes & Eva Longoria [Long pan up on the sexy bodies of Eva Mendes & Eva Longoria, their arms crossed, smiling wickedly at the camera, TKOW gold around their waist]. Eva Destruction, the TKOW Champions [We see Eva M. Superplex Natalie Portman, quickly followed by Eva L. crashing down on her with a top rope splash]. A dangerous combination of strength and speed [We see Eva M. punch someone, then Eva L. flying through the air], the champs are undefeated [We see Eva Destruction have their hands raised in victory]. Tonight, they'll do everything in their power to keep those titles. It might not be pretty. . . "

BAM! A huge guitar lick as the pink and black Total Knockout Wrestling logo explodes onto the screen and we go right into the opening titles, images flying by while The Donnas' "Take It Off" plays:

Jessica Biel nailing Laura Prepon with the Stealth Bomber (Widow's Peak). Kaley Cuoco flying through the air. Gretchen Wilson Spinebustering Busy Philipps. Eva Mendes and Eva Longoria having their arms raised in victory. Devon Aoki delivering a vicious kick to the chin of Jewel. Lindsay Lohan posing by her hot tub, her arms above her head, smiling sneakily. Alexis Bledel bridging back into the A-Rory Bor-Alexis. Ziyi Zhang leaping off the top rope with the Great Fall (Rope Walk X-Factor) on Parminder Nagra. Tyra Banks dropping Mandy Moore with the Tyrant (Choke Slam). Emmy Rossum spreading her fingers wide and plunging them into Anne Hathaway's belly. Pink delivering a sharp Punk Out (Heart Punch) to the chest of Christina Ricci. Kristen Bell & Amanda Seyfried embracing after their first win. Rosario Dawson slamming Angelina Jolie with the 5 Boroughs Slam (Spinning Wheel Barrow Slam). Finally, Rosario climbing a turnbuckle and hold her TKOW Championship belt aloft.

Then we are looking LIVE at the TKOW Arena in Los Angeles, California. The camera pans across the packed arena as the capacity crowd rises to their feet and cheers. The camera cuts to the TKOW Announcer's Perch where Jon Keeton, a slim man with glasses a TKOW announcer's blazer, announces: "Welcome, everyone, to TKOW Savage Sirens. My name is Jon Keeton, joined as always, by the one, the only, Janice Dickinson. The camera pulls back to reveal the smirking Janice. "Miss me, bitches?" she says. Keeton continues: "We're going to have yet another spectacular card tonight topped off by the main event. For the TKOW Tag Team Championship: The Sisterhood, Alexis Bledel & Amber Tamblyn, will get their first shot at TKOW gold when they go up against the undefeated champions, Eva Destruction - Eva Longoria & Eva Mendes."

"Sisterhood this, Sisterhood that. Eva Destruction ARE the champs and all anyone wants to talk about is how great Alexis and Amber are. Let me tell you something, those two little girls - and that's totally what they are - have no idea what they are getting into tonight," Janice says.

"We shall see shortly. But first, let's go up to the ring for our first match!" Keeton says.
********
Match One: Devon Aoki (5'6" 120 lb., NY, NY) vs. Kaley Cuoco (5'8" 120 lb., Camarillo, CA)

Aoki: Black bikini with silver throwing stars illustrated over each breast and on the butt of her bottoms. Black kneepads and black boots with a big silver throwing star on the side of each. Hair loose.

Cuoco: Solid gold bikini flecked with glittering material. White kneepads and gold boots. Hair long, blonde and loose. Her neck and chest are adorned with glitter make-up that sparkles in the arena lights.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS) Both girls already dripping with sweat; taut bodies glistening under the hot lights as we’re now 20 minutes into TKOW Savage Sirens first match of the night. Kaley Cuoco scooped up Devon Aoki and planted her with a body slam. Kaley wearily waved her arms, as if signaling "That's it!." She took a running start, vaulted over Devon's body and jumped up to the second rope. With all her remaining strength, she flipped backwards off the ropes and turned in mid-air so that a shapely leg could crash down on Devon's unguarded throat. Devon shuddered on impact, arms flopping out to her sides. Kaley rolled over and hooked Devon's leg. 1… 2… NO! Devon somehow popped her shoulder up.

Kaley pounds the mat and yelled unintelligibly at the referee. He demonstrated how Devon got her shoulder up - but Kaley doesn't care and shoved him away with both hands. The ref immediately gets in her face, pointing a finger and giving her a stern warning. This interlude forced her to take her eyes off her opponent; she didn't notice when Devon snuck up behind her and rolled her up from behind. Kaley, her shoulders suddenly pinned to the mat, kicked her legs as Devon held her down. Somehow she was able to roll free at the two count.

But now Devon has a second wind - she immediately greeted the rising Kaley with a Standing Drop Kick to the face. The force of the kick sent Kaley through the ropes and to the floor. For a moment, she lay still on her back, the glitter that had adorned her chest at the beginning of the match, now all askew: some on her face, some on her arms, some down her bikini top. She slowly made her way to her feet, her eyes searching, trying to find her opponent. She didn't see Devon until it was too late - the Sin City star jumped off the top turnbuckle and hurtled at Kaley with a Flying Cross Body. They smacked into each other and both rolled and crashed into the ringside barrier. As the referee starts his 10 count both lie still, eyes blinking while they tried to will their exhausted bodies to rise. Devon began to move first: she shook her head in pain, squeezing her eyes shut and opening them to get rid of the stars she was seeing. She was able to grab Kaley by her long blonde hair and rolled her back into the ring.

Devon perched on the outside of the ring, on the apron, and waited for Kaley to rise - once she did, Devon vaulted herself over the top rope and rolled down Kaley's back, going for a Sunset Flip. Kaley was unbelievably able to roll through this pinning combination and roll Devon back, folding her over. Kaley ended up sitting roughly on Devon's butt, pinning her down. The referee started the count while, out of his eyesight, Kaley grabbed a handful of tights (and exposed a little bit of Devon cheek for good measure). The referee was just about to smack the mat for the third time when Devon shifted just enough to get a shoulder up.

Once again Kaley couldn't believe her pretty foe had escaped. She pulled the dazed Devon up and sent her off the ropes - that was the plan, but Devon reversed and Kaley found herself bounding back toward Devon. Devon found enough strength to jump up in the air, wrap her legs around Kaley's neck and flip her over with a Hurricaranna. As Kaley crashed to the mat, Devon plopped down on her chest and reached back for her legs to fold over into a schoolgirl pin. She could only grab hold of one leg, though, and didn't have enough leverage to keep her down for the three count. But she did have the momentum back.

She peeled Kaley off the mat and scooped her up. Kaley was upside down in the traditional body slam position when Devon sat out, driving Kaley back first into the mat. A yelp of pain escaped Kaley's lips on impact. She lay still in the dead center of the ring, save for the occasional moan, her arms and legs totally not working together. Devon immediately climbed out to the apron and up to one of the top turnbuckles. She perched up there, her back to the ring and Kaley. She posed for just a split-second, her arms high above her head, and flipped back. She seemed to hang in mid-air as she completed the rotation in a picture-perfect Moonsault.

Problem was that no-one was home. Kaley had gotten it together just enough to get out of the way. Devon recognized this in mid-air, screaming just before she crashed chest first to the mat. She bounced once before she settled on her belly, moaning, fists pounding the mat in pain. Kaley had pulled herself up to her feet, in obvious pain, but a smirk had returned to her face.

She grabbed a handful of dark hair and yanked Devon up to her feet and pulled her into a side head lock. Kaley ran toward the ropes, pulling Devon with her and jumped up to the top rope and spun around, falling back to the mat, driving Devon face-first into the canvas. Devon was completely still now, arms out in front of her, nary a movement noticeable. Kaley grabbed her by the arms and pulled her close to one of the corners. She kicked Devon's body over with the toe of her boot; Devon's head flopped to one side, eyes shut.

Kaley, feeling nothing but adrenaline, leapt over the top rope to the apron and quickly mounted the top turnbuckle. She jumped off and flipped through the air and crashed down hard on Devon's chest. Devon gave an involuntary cry but lay still. Kaley pulled back on Devon's right leg and went for a cover. As the referee counted, Kaley used her left hand to push Devon's unseeing face into the mat - a humiliation that Devon was in no place to fight. The referee's count was a mere formality.

Moby's "Beautiful" played as Kaley got to her feet grimacing in pain and exhaustion as the referee raised her hand. Here the fans faced a conundrum: two talented stars have just fought tooth-and-nail for nearly 25 minutes. Regardless of who won, you'd cheer right? But what if the victor was just a total uber-bitch? That decision was made easier when Kaley grabbed the slumbering Devon up and flung her over the ropes, as if she couldn't stand to share the spotlight with anyone else. That was all the fans needed: they started to boo here. But like most of the narcissists in TKOW, Kaley must have had a chemical imbalance that turned those boos and catcalls to cheers. So she posed and preened until she had to be practically dragged out by the proverbial hook.
****
Backstage in the Green Room: Ziyi Zhang reclines on a couch, staring intently at the TV monitor, watching the replays and fall-out of the Devon/Kaley match that just ended (in fact, you can still hear hints of "Beautiful" playing throughout the arena). She watches in silence but a mischievous grin plays out across her face. A voice calls: "Hello!" and Natalie Portman comes through the door. Ziyi's sly grin suddenly disappears; replaced by a sunny smile.

Natalie is wearing khaki shorts and a green T-shirt. She also wears low-top black Converses with no socks. She carries two clipboards - one she places next to the monitor, the other she hugs close to her chest. "Oh, it's just you," she says, regarding Ziyi for the first time. "Can you? Do you speak any English?"

"I've been taught some," Ziyi says. "Okay. Great. I'm glad to hear it. Listen, you can't sign this. But if anyone who's, you know, American, comes in can you say that Natalie asked them to sign it. They'll be able to read it. Can you do that for me?" Ziyi nods. "Great. Well, talk to you later. Or will I see you later? I mean, we can't really talk to each other, right?" There is an uncomfortable silence. Ziyi looks at the monitor and back to Natalie: "You are in the way of my sight."

Natalie jumps out of the way: "Sorry! Do you know 'sorry'?" Ziyi rolls her eyes and nods. Natalie says, "Right. OK, let me just say I love that we have all these cultures here. It's so…so multi-cultural!" Then Natalie quickly exits before she can be any more condescending.

Ziyi turns and watches her leave. Once she is gone, the grin returns. Ziyi says loud and clear: "Bitch!"
********
Neil Young's "Rockin' in the Free World" played as Natalie Portman entered the arena, a messenger bag slung over her shoulder and across her chest. She's wearing the same outfit as before - the khaki shorts, green T-shirt and low-cut Chucks. As she walked down the aisle she reached into her bag and tossed rolled-up green t-shirts into the crowd while she laughs and smiles. The crowd cheered because, hey!, who doesn't like free shit? She stopped at the ring steps and set her bag down, pulling a clipboard from it.

She grabbed a wireless mike and climbed into the ring, the clipboard pressed against her chest. Just as she reached the center of the ring two things happened: everyone can now read her t-shirt - big yellow letters spell out "IMPEACH NOW!" People unroll their free shit and see they got the same damn t-shirt. The crowd starts booing hardcore and Natalie's smile vanished, replaced by a look of confusion.

"Hey, I have something very important to talk about, even more important than wrestling. And that's the state of our country. We have a President that lies. We have a whole government that lies. But we can all put a stop to this together. That's why I’ve set up in some of the aisles and in all the concourse areas, near the food stands, these clipboards. These clipboards all have petitions that we should all sign, telling the Powers That Be that we won't be ignored!"

Oh, the crowd is just batshit crazy booing now. And then it really started: a single clipboard came frisbeeing out of the crowd and into the ring, sliding to a stop at Natalie's sneakered feet A second followed not long afterward - and then a third. Natalie had to do a spastic little dance to avoid being hit by these Office Supplies of Mass Destruction. She yelled into the mike, getting more strident with each sentence: "Okay, I understand the people up in the cheap seats not caring. But what about you guys down here by the ring? You have money, you're educated!" Once she said this, she got an "Oh shit" look on her face. The crowd just hated her so much right then.

Just then "Redneck Woman" blasted through the arena. All eyes turned toward the arena entrance and Natalie's eyes popped. Gretchen Wilson appeared at the top of the ramp; she wore blue jeans, work boots and a black t-shirt with the smiling visage of Charlie Daniels printed on it. She smiled as she came down the aisle and slapped the hands of her cheering fans. Before she climbed into the ring she grabbed a microphone. Natalie tried to smile: "Hey, Gretchen. I know you're a proud American. You're going to sign my petition. Right?" A "U!S!A!!" "U!S!A!!" chant started up.

Gretchen smiled and surveyed the arena before she spoke. "Girl, you're just some kind of stupid, aren't you?" Natalie's smile vanished again. "You come out here with your little clipboards and your big talk. . ."

Natalie sneered, interrupting: "Stupid? Excuse me, I went to HARVARD!"

Gretchen chuckled: "Exactly. You live in New York and LA and you went to Hahhhh-vahhhd but you have no idea how these nice folks live - you have no idea what a real life is really like, do ya?"

Natalie stuttered: "What? No. I mean Yes! Look, this is my time. You can just back there and pick your teeth with a stick or whatever it is you people do."

The crowd booed that statement. Gretchen settled them down with a raised hand. "I'm usually very patient, girl, and I've put a hurtin' to someone who didn't have it comin'. And you, you're a horse's hair from getting there."

"You can't threaten me! This is America, I can say whatever I want. . ." Natalie screeched, nearing her limit.

"I ain't threatenin' you, girl. I'm warnin' you. There's a difference," Gretchen said.

"Yeah. Okay. So you're not with me then?" Natalie asked. Gretchen chuckled and shook her head.

Natalie responded: "Oh. Okay. Sorry." Natalie swung her clipboard with both hands and brought it down across Gretchen's face. The clipboard hits home with a loud report and splinters into a million pieces. Gretchen's head snapped sideways and she tumbled to the mat. Natalie immediately started to lay kicks and stomps onto the fallen Gretchen. Both mikes have been dropped but we can hear Natalie yell: "I don't do threats or warnings - I'll just kick your hick ass!"

The crowd erupted in boos again and some people threw cups and garbage at Natalie. Natalie pulled Gretchen up to her feet and tried to send her toward the ropes but Gretchen reversed it. Rather than face her angry foe, Natalie grabbed hold of the top rope with both hands and stopped her momentum. She quickly climbed through the second rope and jumped down to the arena floor. Natalie backed up the aisle, tapping the side of her head with her index finger, and yelled up at the ring: "Who's stupid now? Huh?"

Gretchen ran toward the ropes but didn't pursue Natalie; instead she placed the back of her hand to the corner of her mouth, where a little bit of blood trickled. She looked down the aisle at the retreating Natalie and yelled after her: "Our colors don't run and neither do I! You're gonna git yours, girlie!" A loud "U!S!A!!" chant started up again as Natalie backed her way all the way back to the backstage entrance, a shower of boos and returned green tee-shirts accompanying her the entire way.
********
Match Two: Pink (5'5" 122 lb., Doylestown, PA) vs. Katherine Heigl (5'9" 140 lb., Washington DC)

Pink: Black leather bra and leather bikini bottoms. Combination high black boots and kneepads make it look like one seamless item. Short hair dyed black and in fauxhawk. Fingerless grappling gloves.

Heigl: White bikini top with her initials in powder blue on the left cup. Powder blue bikini bottoms. High white boots and powder blue kneepads.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS) Pink was perched on the top rope and waited for Kat Heigl to rise. She jumped off and drove a double ax-handle right into the middle of Kat's back. Kat collapsed to one knee, her right hand reaching for her back. Pink stalked around her and drove a big black boot into the back of Kat's head. She fell forward, her pretty face smacking into the mat. She lie in an awkward position - on her knees, face on the mat, her bikini'd bottom sticking straight up into the air. The camera got a shot of Kat's face pressed sideways into the mat, contorted in pain. Her opponent pranced around her and smacked her once, hard, on her upturned ass.

Pink finally went to pull Kat off the mat and grabbed her by the head. As Pink pulled up the bigger girl Kat lashed out with an uncharacteristic move for her - a big swiping eye rake set Pink back. Kat, now with a second wind, wrapped her arms around Pink's waist and lifted her up and over her head with a textbook Belly to Belly Suplex. Pink bounced off the mat, mouth agape.

Kat was back on the attack - despite their size difference Pink had managed to stay on the offensive for a good portion of the match. But now Big Kat was big in charge.

Pumping her fist she waited for Pink to rise off the mat. When the singer did so Kat scooped her up, holding her horizontally over her head. At this point in the match she couldn't hold her up for too long so she tossed her aside. Pink landed hard on her back and bridged up in pain. Kat quickly sent her back down with a sharply delivered double ax-handle across Pink's firm abs.

The crowd cheer for Kat as she finally was able to use her size and strength to her advantage. She yanked Pink up to her feet again and whipped her hard into the turnbuckle. The impact nearly sent Pink down to the mat but she stayed on her feet, her face a mask of pain. Kat rushed in as fast her big frame could go, crushing a clothesline into Pink's throat. Pink stumbled forward weak-of-knees, her arms lifeless at her side. Kat bolted out of the corner and took her down with a clothesline to the back of her head. Pink ended up rolling to her back, one arm draped across her face.

Big Kat bounced off the ropes and dropped an elbow to Pink's chest. Pink coughed at impact and flopped about the mat. Kat stood up and raised a closed fist up in the air - and then she dropped to her knees, driving her fist hard into Pink's forehead. Pink immediately pull her hands up to cover her face while Kat raised her arms above her head trying to pump up the crowd. "You're the BIG KAT!” [clap,clap,clapclapclap] they chanted.

Pink rolled to all fours and shook her head in pain. Kat ambled over to her and scooped her face down across her shoulders. She was perhaps going for a powerful, devastating Death Valley Driver. Before she could do anything, though, she suddenly let out a wicked scream; Pink, in a last ditch effort, had reached back and stabbed her with a powerful eye gouge, her thumb blindly but accurately finding its target. Kat loosened her grip on the singer enough for Pink to slip off her shoulders and down her back to the mat. She stood behind the now teary-eyed Kat (and the four inch height difference was most evident, too) and made a fist with her right hand, thumb sticking straight out. Pink struck a sharp blow with her thumbed fist right into the small of Kat's back, right around where she imagined her kidney might be.

Kat let out another scream and shut her eyes in pain. Pink reached up and grabbed Kat by the head and pulled her backwards into a side headlock with Kat looking up into the hot lights. Pink bent her right arm at the elbow and reached across her chest; she drove her pointed elbow right between Kat's bountiful bosom. Just as she made contact Pink also sat out, dropping Kat back and head first into the mat.

Pink had totally and effectively cut the 5'9" Kat down to size. She is now down on the mat just flat-out hurting all over. Pink strutted around the ring drawing boos from the assembled masses. She leaned over the top rope and yelled at some ringside hecklers and flipped them the bird. She was smiling as she turned back toward the center of the ring but it soon disappeared when she found herself face-to-neck with Big Kat. Kat lashed out with a mighty right hand that closed around Pink's throat. The singer's eyes went wide as she felt strong fingers close off her air supply. Kat was about to lift her up when Pink swung her right arm behind her and swung it up and forward (like an underhand volleyball serve).

Her serve was an ace because her fist slammed squarely into Kat's unprotected bikini'd womanhood. A wet smack resounded through the ring as Kat screamed, "Ohhhh, gawwwwd!" She bent over and went through a violent coughing fit; she covered her hurt privates with both hands, moaning when she had the air to. Pink was massaging her own throat and broke into a smile. She pushed away the referee (admonishing her for the cheap shot) and stalked toward Kat.

She grabbed hold of Kat's right arm and twisted it around in an wrist lock. She pinned it under her left armpit and held Kat in place, large chest wide open. Pink made a fist with her right hand and cocked it back, way back - Big Kat knew what was coming but that last cheap shot had just been too much. She shook her head, No! No! Pink laughed and threw her right hand forward, fist crunching into Kat's open breastbone and left tit. The blow didn't take her down immediately; Kat exhaled loudly, her cheeks puffed out, eyes wide in shock. In about 1.5 seconds, though, she timbered backwards like a chopped tree. Her eyes fluttered shut while her left hand was left draped where the Punk Out had struck home.

Pink collapsed on top of Kat and placed a knee across her obliterated chest. She held a finger aloft as she counted with the referee. 1. 2! 3!!!

Her own "Trouble" played while Pink got to her feet. She looked down at her vanquished foe and laughed coldly. She straddled Kat's dazed body and flexed her sinewy biceps, inhaling the crowds boos like they were necessary for breathing. Pink didn't care because she had two things this "fan-favorite" didn't have: consciousness and a shot at TKOW Champion Rosario Dawson on the next TKOW Savage Sirens.
****
Backstage: Kelli Garner comes out of a dressing room, her head buried in a How-to wrestling guide. She has her head down, not really paying attention where she is going. We see her bump into two figures who are walking the other way. Slowly she looks up over her book, afraid of who she might see.

We see her two roadblocks at the same time she does: The Sisterhood: Alexis Bledel and Amber Tamblyn.

Kelli breathes a huge sigh of relief. "Shoot, shoot, shoot! I'm so sorry guys. Crap. I wasn't watching where I was going," she gushes. Alexis and Amber smile. "You'll wanna learn how to do that before you get into the ring," Amber advises.

"But I already did. I won earlier. What is it? A night match!" "Dark match," Alexis interjects. "You got it! Yeah, I beat Angela Bassett." The Sisterhood's eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. "Oh, shoot! No, I beat Angela Bettis. That's right." "I can see how you might get the two confused," Amber says.

"Sorry, I'm usually so much smarter than this. But now that I have a real TKOW contract I have so much learning to do. And then I bumped into you guys - that is so cool! You guys are so cool! So, hey, what are you guys doing tonight?" Kelli says. "Uh, we have a match for the tag team belts," Alexis replies.

A snide laugh comes from behind them. "Yeah, that match'll last long." Lindsay Lohan struts past them, wearing a power blue bikini and see-through sarong tied around her waist. "Out of my way, losers!" She tosses her long red hair back, catching Kelli in the face. Kelli doesn't know what to do. "Just ignore her," says Alexis.

"Tell you what, this week, when things are calmer, give us a buzz. We can eat out or something, talk about the business, whatever. I'm sure you've got a crapload of questions," Amber offers. "Uh, yeah! Like, I was reading in this book of wrestlers - where the heck is Parts Unknown?" Amber and Alexis look at each other and laugh. Amber cuffs Kelli on the shoulder: "Okay, we gotta go. Call us, okay? We're serious."

Kelli looks really excited as they walk away. She calls out: "Alexis! I loved it when you made that bitch Lindsay tap out!" The Sisterhood turns back and smiles. Alexis says, "Kid, we're going to get along just fine."
********
Lindsay's Hot Tub Spot:

We see TKOW Tag Team Champions Eva Destruction - Eva Longoria and Eva Mendes - stalking through the hallway. Eva L. has her tag belt around her waist, Eva carries her on her shoulder. They looked determined and very angry. TKOW backstage reporter Molly McKee grabs them before they can walk away.

"Eva Destruction! Eva Destruction! One word, please!" Molly calls. The champs stop and stare at her.

"Oh, you want a word?" Eva M. says, "Here's a word: respect. And, hey, here's another: No! As in, we get NO RESPECT!" Eva L. chimes in, "The last time I looked around, WE were the tag team champions. NOT The Sisterhood! But who do people talk about? Who's getting the big spots?" Eva M.: "The friggin' Sisterhood!" Eva L.: "So we decided there was only one thing to do, to keep people from talking about the perfect, precious Sisterhood." "We're gonna destroy them," Eva M. says. Eva L. adds: "Actually, they will talk about The Sisterhood. As in, remember when The Sisterhood could still walk? We're going to teach them and every damn person in TKOW they had better start treatin' us like the great. . . "

Eva M: ". . .Sexy. . ."

Eva L.: ". . . dangerous champions that we are!"

They storm off toward the entrance to the ring, leaving Molly McKee to toss it back to the Announcing Perch.
****
Gavan Thorn (or more precisely his son, Gavan the Third, or G3) had spared no expense in upgrading the set for Lindsay's Hot Tub. He even got her a real live hot tub that could be trucked from arena to arena if need be. He also sprung for three cabana-looking walls complete with windows and doors. Lindsay, who had suffered through the debacle of the destruction of her previous set, was thrilled; she hadn't even had to ask Thorn the Younger (who takes care of the place while the master is away) for it. It just. . . happened.

And now we hear her own voice singing as "First" blasted over the sound system. A short, assuredly classy (yeah, right) montage of Lindsay cavorting in a bikini in various locales. The video package ends with the Lindsay's Hot Tub logo filling the screen and fades into the Red-haired One's smirking face. She is already sitting in her hot tub, reclining back, arms on the edge of the tub. She gives a little wave with her fingers.

"Hi there everyone. Welcome to Lindsay's Hot Tub. I'm Lindsay. No kidding, right? Who else looks this good? As you can see I'm in my new home after those brat Sisterhoodlum people wrecked by old one. But that's okay because Uncle Gavan was going to get me whatever I wanted anyway. I AM the biggest star here, right?" The crowd doesn't react quite in the way she wanted. Her upper lip curls into a snarl. "Like you people know what a real star is - you were cheering for that redneck chick earlier. I know, I know, it's a cliché, but do you think she and her cousins. . . Ew! Well, forget about that gross image because now we're gonna have some fun. Pop quiz time: what gets beaten more? My two guests? Orrrrr. . . a teenager, at home, alone, watching me. . . Ew again! Gawd, I'm sorry that's just too gross for words. But, despite my freakin' awesome body, the answer is actually my two guests. Here they are - B.F.F - which stands for something, but I don't care - Kristen Bell & Amanda Seyfried!"

"We Used To Be Friends" plays as Kristen and Amanda enter through the set's main door. They wear dark pink bikinis (the first rule of Lindsay's Hot Tub is that EVERYONE has to wear swimsuits). They smile and wave to the camera as they climb into the bubbling hot tub. Amanda blows a kiss directly at the camera lens and they giggle. Lindsay rolls her eyes.

"Awright, this is my show. It's almost great to have you here - if you were just a lil’ more talented than it would be truly great. Kristen! It's nice to see you again. We haven't really talked since that match we had. For those of you who don't know, Kristen was the very first victim of my Sedative. The last thing I remember Kristen saying was 'Mmmmphhhh!" Kristen narrows her eyes - Lindsay laughs it off. "Oh, come on, I'm just playing. Let's talk about why you are on my show tonight. Hmmm, you guys were really sucky, but then you got lucky and won so now you're no sucky anymore. Did I get it right?"

Kristen and Amanda look at each other, pondering a response. Amanda puts a finger to her lips as if she is trying to solve a particularly difficult math problem, then finally says: "Hey, Lindsay, is Alexis Bledel stronger than she looks? Because I can remember a certain fake-boobed redhead doing lots of crying."

Kristen interjects: "And tapping. Don't forget the tapping."

"Right, and the tapping," Amanda agrees.

Kristen says: "I think what my friend means - and this something my grandmom says to me - anyone who has already had their ass kicked should shut the hell up."

"I remember your grandmom telling you that!" Amanda mentions.

Lindsay flares her nostrils, trying to keep control of her show. "Whatever. Now, what were you thinking when you almost burnt the place down last week? Do we have a clip? Let's play it." A clip from the previous Savage Sirens is played: Amanda and Kristen enter their dressing room, which is illuminated by just one burning candle. Suspended above the candle is a large promo photo of B.F.F. The candle suddenly wooshes into a huge flame that engulfs the photo. Amanda and Kristen are seen screaming.

Now we're back LIVE at the Hot Tub. Lindsay is having herself a chuckle while Kristen and Amanda shift uncomfortably in the water. "My favorite part was when you screamed. The looks on your faces! I must have went back and forth on the TiVo like 100 times," Lindsay laughs. "We still don't know what happened," Kristen says. "I think somebody was just playing a practical joke, like a hazing or something. We don't think anyone's out to get us. We're nice girls, you know," Amanda adds.

"Yeah. Plus scrubs don't usually get stalkers," Lindsay snarks. "Jesus, you've got a mouth as big as your ass!" Kristen is getting a little fired up.

"That's a bigggg mouth!" Amanda adds.

Lindsay mimes talking motions with her hands. "Blahblahblah. Right now you guys are snarking to me, but in just a few seconds I think you'll be thanking me. That's because I, with my deep resources. . ."

"More like deep throat," Amanda mutters.

". . .I found out who. OH MY GOD!! BEHIND YOU!!" Lindsay's mouth opens wide like in a scream and she points behind B.F.F. Suddenly, a black cloaked figure wearing the Ghostface Killer mask from the Scream movies jumps into the room. The masked person grabs Amanda and Kristen by the shoulders and yells "Boooogey, booogey!!" Both members of B.F.F. scream instinctively, panic filling their faces.

But just for a moment. Once they realize that they've been had they turn back toward Lindsay, whose head is thrown back, laughing like a loon. "Oh. My. God! The looks on your faces! Holy. Crap. I'm getting the signal that we're out of time. B.F.F. I hope you had a great time. I know I did. Good luck finding your 'stalkers' Until next time - ta, beauties!"
****
Back from commercial, Jon Keeton says that more disturbing events have happened during the commercial break. Luckily, cameras were rolling.

We're back at the Hot Tub. An Assistant Director yells that they're out. Lindsay rubs her eyes with her hands. "That was so awesome!" Kristen and Amanda stare daggers at their hostess. "Your a real twat, Lindsay!" Kristen yells. By now Lindsay is done with them and has climbed out of the hot tub. We see her peeling bills off a big roll and handing them to Ghostface. Ghostface is, in fact, just a pimply-faced teenage intern. "Thanks a lot, Philip," Lindsay says. "My name's Andrew," the intern says, his voice cracking. "Like it matters." Lindsay has already turned around to head off the set.

Kristen and Amanda pull themselves out of the hot tub to confront Lindsay about her stunt. They will have to yell to be heard over the loud "house" rock music playing to fill the commercial break. They are out of the tub no more than seven seconds when one of the overhead lights breaks loose, plummeting directly into the hot tub. Sparks fly as the still plugged in light and water mix with dangerous consequences. Kristen and Amanda scurry away from the hot tub, covering their heads. They both turn on Lindsay. "Is this a fucking joke, too?" Amanda yells. "We could have been killed!" Kristen adds. Lindsay puts her hands up: "Hey, the cameras are off. Like I would waste my energy on something nobody was gonna see."

Before anyone can say anything else the rock music suddenly shuts off. A loud, distorted, disembodied voice breaks through, speaking slowly and clearly: "WE ARE HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT. YOU WILL NOT SEE US UNTIL IT IS TOO LATE." Just as suddenly the music kicks back on. Kristen and Amanda look at each other: "Did you hear that?" they ask. They both nod in the affirmative. Fear and panic fill their faces again. It is all too clear: this is not a hazing ritual. Somebody IS coming.

Just before the scene ends Lindsay can be heard to say, "Remind me not to share any cars or planes with you guys."
********
Match Three: PENELOPE CRUZ (5'5" 120 lb., Madrid, Spain) vs. Thora Birch (5'4" 130 lb., LA, CA)

Cruz: Red bikini top and yellow bikini bottoms. Spanish national coat of arms on back of her bottoms. Red & yellow boots, red knee pads. Hair up in ponytail

Birch: Blood red halter bikini top, matching hipster briefs.. A little white image of a sledgehammer is embroidered on the right cup of her top. Red knee pads and short white boots. Hair loose and curly.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS) Penelope Cruz jumped up and delivered a scissor kick to the back of Thora Birch's head. Thora slammed face first into the mat and kicked her legs in pain. Penelope crawled over to where her opponent was and grabbed hold of one of Thora's arms and legs. Pushing own her feet into the small of Thora's back, Penelope reclined back. Thora was pulled into a perfect Bow-and-Arrow. Penelope clenched her teeth and pulled back with all her might.

Trapped in the hold, Thora's mouth opened wide as she screamed in pain, "No! No!" But she shook her head when the referee asked her if she wanted to submit, so Penelope pulled back with another burst of strength. "Ahhhhhh!" Thora moaned, now completely pushed to her limit.

Through the gradual closing of her eyes she could see the ropes not too far away. She pushed her free leg against the mat, hoping to gain traction. She pushed with her free leg and was able to shift the pair just a little bit. Thora set her jaw, the muscles in her neck tensing, as she pushed one more time. Closer! One more time. . . YES! Thora let out a relieved yell as she felt her hand close around the cold cable. The referee forced Penelope to break the hold - she was reluctant, but the referee counting up to four eventually brought Thora her freedom. But now what?

She curled up into a fetal position under the bottom rope, trying to buy time. Penelope came over to her and pulled her up off the mat. She put her mouth close to Thora's ear and whispered something in Spanish. Now, Thora didn't speak Spanish, but based on the hissed tone and short words, she could guess that it wasn't good. Penelope dragged Thora by the air to the center of the ring. She hitched her into a front face lock and hooked Thora's left leg in her hand. Before Penelope could lift her up Thora let loose with closed right hands, pounding them into Penelope's side and back. Thora didn't care where they hit, just so long as they did. Penelope couldn't get enough leverage to lift Thora up and she released her.

Before Penelope could press further Thora gathered her wits enough to stomp down hard on Penelope's left toe. The stomp stunned Penelope briefly - long enough for Thora to gather a little momentum and charge at her with a clothesline. Penelope crashed down to the mat, Thora falling right behind her. Both ladies struggled to roll to their feet - Penelope was little less worse for wear and she got up first. Thora had made it back to her knees when Penelope grabbed her by her long, curly hair. As Penelope bent over to pull her up, Thora lifted her hands straight up and drove both thumbs into Penelope's throat.

Penelope gasped and released her captive. Her big eyes filled with tears as she stumbled back, ineffectually grabbing at her wounded throat. Thora made it back to her feet and doubled Penelope over with a quick and powerful knee lift to the belly. She grabbed hold of Penelope's arm and whipped her hard into the turnbuckle. The Spanish star slumped there, her eyes blinking rapidly, still trying to breath normally. Thora ran a hand through her hair and knocked it out of her face. She clasped her hands together in front of her and then pulled them back together over her right shoulder, up next to her ear.

Penelope, her eyes wide open in fear, could do little as she saw Thora approach, her hands back behind her right ear. Thora stopped in front of Penelope and paused for just a second. Then she brought The Hammer down again and again. She quickly slammed her fists into Penelope's stomach twice, then up across her chest, back to her stomach, one blow to each of her shoulders and then one final blow that slammed right across Penelope's jaw, snapping her head to one side. Thora's legs braced hard onto the mat, her thigh muscles rippling, face screwed in determination as she unleashed her assault. All told, it took her about five seconds to unleash all those blows.

Drool leaked from Penelope's mouth as she slumped in the corner, her entire body wracked with pain. Thora grabbed a handful of hair and pulled the willing Penelope to the center of the ring. She scooped her up in her arms and dropped her hard to the mat with a body slam. Penelope's only movement came from her right hand as her fingers flexed, trying in vain to grip the mat. Thora stood above Penelope, hands on her hips, smiling at the fallen actress. She dropped down on Penelope's belly and pulled each of Penelope's arms to her side, pinning them down with padded knees. Licking her lips just a bit Thora wrapped her arms around the back of Penelope's head and lifted it up. At the same time she leaned forward, her impressive chest drawing closer to Penelope's face. The last thing anyone could see Penelope do before her face disappeared was try to shake her head, an accented "No, no!" escaping from her lips.

Thora pushed Penelope's face into her barely supported breasts. Penelope tried to buck away from Thora but the bigger girl had her chest and arms pinned down. Thora (and the ringside mikes) could hear Penelope's muffled screams from beneath Thora's bounty. As a last resort, Penelope tried moving her hips and legs, her home flag inspired boots kicking desperately. They soon stopped moving and Penelope's muffled moans and shouts got fainter and less frequent until Thora heard one last exhaled moan. A split-second later Penelope went limp. The referee quickly called for the bell. Thora-zine had just been administered to its first victim, er, patient.

Moby's "Machete" played as Thora peeled herself off Penelope's stomach, her head flopping down to the mat. Her face was sweaty and her ponytail was half-way out, but Penelope slumbered peacefully, her lungs taking in much needed air. Thora smiled for the crowd as her hand was raised in victory. They cheered for her, impressed by her skill in the ring and how she had so quickly and efficiently taken apart Penelope. And, okay, the liked seeing her in a bikini, too. Veteran ring observers a bit of cruel streak in her, too. At a time when new TKOW wrestlers were determining their ring personalities it became a question if Thora would be using her considerable powers for good or for evil. Whatever the answer, they figured it would be a hell of lot of fun to watch.
********
Tag Team Title Match: Sisterhood (Alexis Bledel+Amber Tamblyn) vs. Eva Destruction (Eva Longoria+Eva Mendes)

Sisterhood: Alexis wears a pink tankini top with black piping around the shoulders and matching boy bottom shorts with black stripes. High white monogrammed boots and pink knee pads. Also wears a white armband with "SH" written in pink letters. Amber wears a tight black ringer tee, sleeves cut very short, with pink piping around the shoulders and black boy-cut shorts with pink stripes up the sides. Black kneepads and low black monogrammed boots. She wears a black armband with "SH" in white lettering. Both wear their hair down and loose.

Eva D: Sparking silver one-piece swimsuits, cut in a V down to their unmentionables. High silver boots and white knee pads. Eva M. wears a silver athletic sleeve over her right elbow. Both with their hair loose.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS) Eva Mendes corralled Alexis Bledel and tossed her into the corner. She unleashed a backhand chop across Alexis' pale chest, lifting her up off her feet. Eva grabbed two handfuls of brown hair and tossed Alexis back toward the center of the ring. She spun in mid-air and crashed down chest-first. She grabbed her chest with both hands and tucked her legs to her chest. Amber Tamblyn smacked the turnbuckle in frustration - c'mon Blizzy! Eva M. paced around Alexis and grabbed another two handfuls of hair pulling her up to her knees. With Alexis on her knees, Eva placed a knee in the small of her back and grabbed both arms - she pulled back, torturing Alexis with a painful move. The Gilmore Girls star felt pain shoot through her, her big blue eyes open in shock. She shook her head, refusing to submit, her shoulder-length brown hair slapping against Eva's arms.

Amber, still trapped on the apron, started clapping her hands in rhythm over her head. The crowd soon caught on and started clapping along. For her part, Eva M. knew that she wasn't going to get a submission but to hear this overrated nothing squeal was worth it. The hold was taking its toll on Alexis, though. She continued to shake off any idea of submitting but the burning pain and stretching in her back and arms was wearing her down. She had to do something - now! Just about the only part of her body that she could move were her lower legs. She flexed her right foot, trying to move it in a circle to find anything she could do. She brushed up against Eva's boot. Putting all her strength into her right foot she locked her ankle and kicked. The sudden change in position - which Eva M. didn't see coming - knocked her captor just a little off-balance and her grip on Alexis' right arm slipped just a bit.

Alexis found her right arm slipping loose. She pulled her shoulder forward and prayed that the arm would come with it. It did! Before Eva could do anything, Alexis had her arm free and spun up to her feet, her long right arm swinging up on Eva's left arm. Her own arms flailing, Eva stumbled backwards. Alexis rushed forward and jumped into the air, pushing off of Eva's knee. She swung a long leg toward Eva's head and cracked the back of it with an Enziguri. The hard shot sent Eva M. down in a daze. That was also Alexis' last move before her body gave out on her.

Both wrestlers were collapsed to the mat their heads facing their respective corners. The referee started his dual 10 count as each girl crawled toward their corners. Amber stretched her arm out and called to her friend and partner. On the opposite corner of the ring, Eva Longoria did the same thing. Eva M. was having all the fun - Eva L. wanted to get her shots in, too. Alexis stretched an arm and finally smacked fingers with Amber. At the same time, Eva M. was approaching her partner. The referee, who had to be in the center of the ring to monitor both corners, saw the two Eva’s hands move toward one another and heard a smack. What he couldn't tell was that they were still a good six inches away from each other and that smack was Eva L. smacking the back of her leg with her free hand. It didn't matter, though, because the ref made the signal that the tag was made.

Both rested partners came into the ring at the same time. Eva L. rushed toward Amber with a clothesline attempt. Amber ducked it and spun around to face the off-balance Eva. Fists up, Amber threw a right jab, another one, then a left. Eva L. was back on her haunches. Amber finally swung her right arm around in a circle a few times but instead pushed Eva L. in the forehead with her left hand. Eva fell backwards, head landing on the middle rope. Amber smiled and shuffled from side to side, motioning for Eva to get up. Shaking her head, a scowl on her face, Eva pulled herself up and approached Amber, this time her own fists raised. Both gals paced around each other - forcing the referee to yell "This ain't boxing! Wrestle!"

They charged each other and Amber's cheeks suddenly puffed out and an OOF escaped from her lips. Eva L. had thrown a knee up into her breadbasket and doubled her over. Eva reached behind herself and grabbed Amber's head and neck and pulled her over in a Snap Mare takedown. Amber sat out of breath in a seated position when Eva placed a snap kick right into the small of her back. Amber threw her head back and howled in agony. Eva seized the back of Amber's neck and yanked her onto her feet, pulling her into the corner. She grabbed a handful of hair and slammed Amber face first into the buckle. 1. 2. 3,4,5 times. The referee got in there and made Eva back out. Eva started screaming that she was the champ and she could do whatever she wanted.

Tiring of the debate Eva went back to deal with Amber but was cut off when Amber threw an elbow into her stomach. Eva stumbled back for a second but advanced again. Amber threw another blind elbow that hit home. One more time Eva advanced forward but Amber had recovered now. She stepped aside and pulled Eva back into the corner, the Desperate Housewife smacking face first into the buckle. Amber quickly spun her around and climbed up onto the second buckle, straddling the woozy Eva. She raised a clenched right fist and rained punches down on Eva's face. Five of her own, in fact. The referee admonished her, too, so Amber dropped down to the mat. She sprawled to her back and placed her feet in Eva's mid-section and rolled back, tossing Eva head-over-heels to the center of the ring with a Monkey Flip. Eva bounced off the mat with a yell. Amber bounced back to her feet a smile on her face and the crowd pumped up, cheering. She stood slightly crouched one hand braced on the top rope waiting for Eva to rise so she could attack.

Alexis, who was back up on the apron cheering her partner on, saw it coming first. Out of Amber's line of sight Eva M. had come charging around her tag corner, running on the apron. She charged Amber, whose eyes were still beading in on Eva L, and raised a big forearm to eye level. Alexis screamed, "Amber! Look out!" Amber could only register the "Amber! Look. . ." before Eva M. smashed a forearm into the side of Amber's skull. Amber's eyes rolled up and she tottered for a moment before falling down to her knees and finally face first to her stomach. The referee pushed Eva M. back around to her team's corner; he warned her with a DQ if she did that again. Hell, she wouldn't have to do it again - it worked right the first time! Eva just laughed and put a hand up in the ref's face, like she didn't want to hear it.

Still stuck on the apron, Alexis put her hands on each side of head, a look of worry flashing across her pretty features. She cursed herself for not noticing the approaching Eva M. sooner. She smacked the top turnbuckle. "Come ONNNNN!" she screamed, her voice cracking in a combination of frustration and worry. Eva L. had regained her equilibrium and had risen to her feet. A big smile spread across her face. She wanted to wait for Amber to rise before she went on the offensive but looking at Amber's state right now, she didn't know if that would ever happen. So she went over to the fallen athlete and pulled her up to her feet. Amber's head lolled to one side, eyes open but glassy. Eva whipped her off the ropes and jumped at her on the rebound, just about decapitating her with a Rolling Kick to the throat. Amber lay flat on her back, unmoving.

Once again Eva helped her up to her feet and dragged her into Eva Destruction's corner. She pulled Amber back by the hair and displayed her red, sweaty, anguished face to Eva M. "Do you wanna piece of this?" Eva L. said to her partner. "Lord, yes!" Eva M. replied, laughing. The crowd booed this little demonstration, not that Eva Destruction cared. Eva L. reached over and tagged Eva M. in. Eva M. climbed through the ropes and, with Eva L. holding Amber straight up, placed a big boot right into Amber's stomach. She gagged and fell to her hands and knees. Eva M. stared daggers across the ring at Alexis. "When we're done with this one, we're coming for you," she called. Eva M. felt a tingle run through her as she pondered the thought.

Alexis was damn near tears as she watched her friend get pummeled. "You can do it, Am-dizzle. Fight!" she thought to herself, as if willing it would make it happen. That's when she made the decision. It went against most of the principles of The Sisterhood, but it had to be done. And if she did it just right she would get away with it. She climbed through the ropes and charged to where Eva M. was still dominating Amber. She sprinted across the ring, arms and hands raised in a double ax-handle that she brought down across Eva's back. The sudden, unexpected blow knocked Eva to one knee and forced to relinquish her hold on Amber. Before anyone else could act Alexis got a running start and Bulldogged the kneeling Eva into the mat. The crowd was cheering Alexis' effort and started up the trademark "SIS-ter-HOOD!!" chant. The referee finally figured out what was going on and started to push Alexis back into her home corner.

Eva L. had by now climbed through the ropes without the referee noticing. She saw that the ref had Alexis pushed back into the corner, grabbing her by shoulders to keep her from charging back to the center. Seizing Amber by the arms she thought, "If that bitch wants in so bad, bring it on!" She whipped Amber toward the corner. Amber's eyes widened as she found herself hurtling toward the referee and her partner. Alexis registered what was happening and tried to move out of the way. But the referee, with his back to the whole affair, thought she was still trying to get out to the ring. "Look, I WILL DQ you. . ." he had just said when Amber crashed chest first into his back. She crushed the referee between The Sisterhood's bodies and knocked his and Alexis' heads together. Alexis, though, got the worst of it because the referee, while not huge, smashed her back against the turnbuckle. Amber, dazed, pulled herself off the pile and stepped back. Alexis was crumpled on her butt, eyes shut, mouth agape. The referee was also down and out, head resting on Alexis' shoulder.

Amber surveyed the destruction and her eyes filled with fear and panic. She slowly turned around, afraid of what she was going to find. This was it: both Eva’s studying her, heads cocked to one side, thinking "Just how are we gonna hurt her?" Amber could only put her hands up in a lame attempt at protection before the Eva’s kicked her in the stomach, doubling her over. They cinched her up and hoisted her up by her shorts. They held up vertical in the air for what seemed like minutes before dropping straight down in a Double Brain Buster. Amber's head impacted hard with the mat; the Eva’s hopped to their feet, arms out in worship us mode, Amber lay folded over, her neck at an awkward angle. Eva Destruction evaluated her. Eva L. said to her partner: "We can't pin her because there's no ref." Eva M.: "Okay. Oooh, ooh! I got an idea!" She made a big show at whispering in Eva L.'s ear. Eva L. broke into a big smile.

Eva M. rolled to the outside of the ring and pushed the timekeeper out of this chair. She folded the steel chair and slid it into the ring. Eva L. had wrapped Amber's hair around her fist and was holding her while Eva M. set the chair up just a few feet from one of the corners. Eva L. handed Amber over Eva M. and she climbed to the outside of the ring and started mounting the turnbuckle. Eva M. brought the wobbly Amber over to where the chair was set up. She bent The Sisterhood member over and hoisted her up in Pile Driver position, Amber's head directly above the steel chair. The crowd was now booing at a fever pitch as they realized what was going to happen. Eva L. was now perched at the top rope, arms above her head. She yelled out, "The Sisterhood is DEAD!" Suddenly, though, the boos in one section of the arena changed to cheers.

The cheers soon swept around the arena as they all saw a blue track-suited figure running full bore down the aisle and to the ring: Kelli Garner! She ran down to the ring, mouth and eyes wide open, a look on her face that said, "I don't exactly know what I'm doing, but I'm doing it anyway."

She jumped up the ring steps to the corner where Eva L. was perched and placed both hands firmly on Eva's butt. With a massive shove, she pushed Eva off the top turnbuckle, sending her flipping through the air over the top of Eva M and Amber to crash down hard on her back.

Eva M. roughly released Amber; nostrils flaring and eyes burning red as she stalked over to Kelli who stood outside of the ring. She tried to grab hold of Kelli to pull her into the ring, but Kelli reacted first, driving a headbutt into Eva's forehead.

She staggered back, holding onto her head, while Kelli climbed into the ring. Still with that dazed, slightly crazed, but endearing, look on her face, Kelli peeled off her track suit jacket, revealing a tight pink TKOW tank-top bursting at the seams. She grabbed hold of Eva M.'s hair and slammed her in the head with a right hand. Eva M. fell to the mat. Kelli got sidetracked because she didn't sense Eva L. coming up from behind her with a big back rake. Kelli yelled and arched her back. Eva L. winced as she pulled Kelli into a front face lock and dropped her with a DDT. Amber was crumpled in one corner; Alexis and the referee were in another, the referee having rolled off of Alexis' body, their arms and legs tangled together; Eva M. was making her way back to her feet, shaking; Kelli was on her back in the center of the ring, arms wrapped around her head, cross-trainered feet kicking in pain. Surveying the carnage, stood Eva L., hands on her hips, slight look of pain on her face.

Eva M. had regained her legs and joined her partner in the center of the ring. Seeing that The Sisterhood was still out of it, they decided to go after the intruder. They stomped and kicked the still downed Kelli. They laughed when she curled into a fetal position. Eva M. pulled her up by the hair and held her arms behind her. Eva L. stood in front of her, sneering: "You wanna get involved with the big girls? Welcome to the TKOW, bitch!" She unleashed a violent slap that forced a loud cry from Kelli's lips as her head snapped sideways. Eva M. whispered into her ear, "Your first night's gonna be your last, rook." "My name's Kelli," she stammered defiantly, "And we're gonna kick your butts." "Yeah, you and who else?" Eva M. snarled.

"The Sisterhood, bitch," came a worn, tired voice from behind. Eva M. suddenly an ungodly pain in her back. The smack resounded through the arena and the crowd went crazy. Eva M. fell to the mat, pulling Kelli with her; standing where they just were was a beat-looking Alexis Bledel - her pale face was flushed and her hair askew, but blue eyes shining with as much ferocity as ever - brandishing the steel chair. It look a split second for Eva L. to register what happened but once it did she made a big mistake. She rushed full bore at somebody wielding a steel chair. It was like bringing a gazelle to a lion fight as Alexis brought the chair down - SMACK! - directly onto Eva L.'s head. She crumpled to the mat, flat on her back, arms flung above her head.

Alexis dropped the chair and stumbled over to where Kelli lay. "Do me a favor, wake that guy up?" she wheezed, indicating the referee. With a nod of her head, Kelli clambered up to her feet and ran over to the corner where the referee was still down. In the background, Amber had made her way to her feet. "Wha' happen?" she stammered to Alexis. "You want to win the belts?," Alexis said. Amber nodded, a pained smile spreading across her face. While Amber (still the legal woman) went after Eva L. (the legal woman for Eva Destruction), Alexis tossed Eva M. through the ropes to the outside. Amber pulled Eva L. up and yanked her toward the corner where Alexis was climbing to the top turnbuckle. Amber scooped Eva L. up and held her horizontal off the mat, at her side. She flashed a wink at Alexis, who returned it, just before leaping off the top buckle. She fell with her long legs out in front of her. Her left leg caught Eva across the throat and, at the same time, Amber dropped straight down, driving her hard into the mat. On TV, Keeton called it "The Hood Ornament."

Alexis landed with her leg still draped across Eva L.'s throat. At this point Eva was only making guttural choking sounds as her eyes were shut, arms still up above her head. Problem, though: still no referee. Kelli had been desperately trying to get the ref to move, slapping up and shaking him by the collar. She felt The Hood Ornament hit and heard the crowd the cheer so she knew she had do something now. She pulled the referee up by the collar and put his ear right up to her mouth: "WAKE UP!!!" she screamed with all her might. The referee's eyes popped open and he loud out a yip! The first thing he saw was Kelli's grinning face saying, ". . .can't believe it worked!" Then he felt himself being pulled by two sets of arms over to where Amber had hooked the leg and covered Eva L. He brought his hand down on the mat: once, twice. Just as he went to bring it down a third time he saw a girl in blue track pants charge across the ring and Spear someone in a silver swimsuit - the hell?, he thought. Finally, he smacked the mat a third time and weakly gestured for the bell before collapsing back to the mat, head spinning, ears ringing.

The crowd popped as "No Sleep Tonight" played. Amber rolled over so she was reclining back on Eva L.'s wasted form, a big smile spread over her face. Alexis joined her on the mat in an embrace, rolling about, laughing and screaming. Then it was officially official: "Here are your winners. . . annnnd NEWWWW TKOW Tag Team Champions. . . Theeeeee SISSSS-terrr-HOOOODDD!!"

A ringside official had climbed into the ring and handed them their shiny tag team belts. It took a second to sink in before the tears started to fall. They helped each other to their feet and joined hands in the center of the ring. They raised their arm up together in a V and then lifted their other arms up, holding the belts aloft. In the corner, where she had most recently speared a charging Eva M., Kelli stood clapping and cheering for them.