TKOW: Savage Sirens by Pseudo Nym

BAM! A huge guitar lick as the pink and black Total Knockout Wrestling logo explodes onto the screen and we go right into the opening titles, images flying by while The Donnas’ “Take It Off” plays:

Jessica Biel nailing Laura Prepon with the Stealth Bomber (Widow’s Peak). Kaley Cuoco flying through the air. Gretchen Wilson Spinebustering Busy Philipps. Eva Mendes and Eva Longoria having their arms raised in victory. Devon Aoki delivering a vicious kick to the chin of Jewel. Lindsay Lohan posing by her hot tub, her arms above her head, smiling sneakily. The Sisterhood hitting Eva Longoria with the Hood Ornament. Thora Birch Hammering Penelope Cruz in the corner. Ziyi Zhang leaping off the top rope with the Great Fall (Rope Walk X-Factor) on Parminder Nagra. Tyra Banks dropping Mandy Moore with the Tyrant (Choke Slam). Emmy Rossum spreading her fingers wide and plunging them into Anne Hathaway’s belly. Pink delivering a sharp Punk Out (Heart Punch) to the chest of Christina Ricci. Kristen Bell & Amanda Seyfried embracing after their first win. Rosario Dawson slamming Angelina Jolie with the 5 Boroughs Slam (Spinning Wheel Barrow Slam). Finally, Rosario climbing a turnbuckle and hold her TKOW Championship belt aloft

Then we are looking LIVE at the TKOW Arena in Los Angeles, California. The camera pans across the packed arena as the capacity crowd rises to their feet and cheers. The camera cuts to the TKOW Announcer’s Perch where Jon Keeton, a slim man with glasses a TKOW announcer’s blazer, announces: “Welcome, one and all, to TKOW Savage Sirens. My name is Jon Keeton, joined as always, by the one, the only, Janice Dickinson. The camera pulls back to reveal the smirking Janice. “Bitches, I say hello,” she snarks.

“As we saw last week we have new TKOW Tag-Team champions, Alexis Bledel & Amber Tamblyn, The Sisterhood. Something tells me that former champs Eva Destruction aren’t going to be happy. . .”

“Yeah, The Sisterdopes wouldn’t have won anything without help from that helium boobed AND helium headed Kelly Garner. Who does she think she is, jumping in there like that?” Janice asks, shaking her head.

“I think she thought she was helping her friends,” Keeton mentions.

Janice waves a hand: “You know what I think? I think that she didn’t have a clue what she was doing. Did you see the look on her face while she was quote/unquote helping out?” Janice opens her mouth dramatically and waves her hands around like a crazy person. “I mean, I just LOVE retard...I’m sorry, ‘special needs’ people; but I don’t think they should be wrestling. That girl has no idea what she’s in for here.”

“And, once again, thank you Janice for that wonderful public service announcement. And don’t forget, tonight’s Main Event. Pink, having defeated The Big Kat, Kat Heigl, last week, gets a shot at TKOW Champion Rosario Dawson. Whattya think, Janice?” Keeton says. “I think that Pink’s a tough little bitch. And I can think of five good reasons why Pink will win!“ We see her curl five fingers into a ball and punch it at the camera…BAM! “The Punk Out’ right to your tits. I don’t care how big you are, you’re gonna be needing to be a hella lot of new bras.”

“OK, thanks again soooo much, Janice. Now let’s go to the ring. . .”


KELLI GARNER (5’6” 125#, Bakersfield, CA) vs. RACHEL BILSON (5’2” 115#, Los Angeles, CA)

Kelli’s attire is a white bikini top, light magenta bikini bottom, light magenta knee pads and low-cut boots. Hair is shoulder-length and loose. Rachel in a pale orange bikini top and black bikini bottom; black knee pads and boots, her hair in ponytail.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS): Kelly Garner was having the time of her life. After she had helped The Sisterhood at last week’s Savage Sirens she had been all over the Internet and in wrestling news. And then Alexis and Amber had invited her out to dinner. That was so cool! And now tonight - in her first TV match - she was going up against Rachel Bilson. And, no kidding, she was winning!

She tied Rachel up in a front face lock near the ropes. She hooked Rachel’s left leg and brought it up close to her body. She lifted up, dropping Rachel’s free leg off the top rope. Using that momentum she pulled Rachel up to a Vertical position, leg still hooked in Fisherman’s position. Kelly dropped straight down and drove Rachel head and neck first into the mat. Kelly heard a satisfying, muffled grunt from Rachel as the move hit. In one fluid motion, Kelly let Rachel fall back first to the mat and bridged her body up, finishing the Fisherman’s Buster. She had decided to call it the House Call.

As she held onto Rachel’s hooked leg she heard the crowd’s cheers turn to boos, but she had no idea why. She saw, from the corner of her eye, the referee pulled backwards out of the ring before he could complete the three count. She released Rachel’s leg and let it flop lifelessly to the mat. Kelly popped up to her knees, looking around, trying to figure out what the heck was going on.

And that’s when the attack came from behind! She felt two hard boots nail her in the back. She moaned and fell forward, trying to get back up. More kicks and stomps rained down on her back and side. The crowd’s boos filled her ears. Finally, she curled onto her side and looked up. A short scream escaped her lips as she saw, staring at her with snarled lips and hate filled eyes...Eva Destruction! (Eva’s Mendes and Longoria!)

Before anything else could happen, Kelly was pulled to her feet. As in last week’s Savage Sirens, Eva Mendes pinned Kelli’s arms in place while Eva Longoria stood facing her. “Where’s your friends, bitch?” Eva L. growled. “They’re coming. I know it!” Kelly responded hopefully. “Yeah. We’re counting on it,” Eva M. hissed into her ear, which she nibbled a bit for good measure. Kelly squirmed, kicking her feet, to no avail. “But for now, you’ll do,” Eva M. added. Eva L. hauled off and smacked Kelly across the face. Kelly shook off the pain and emerging tears and defiantly stared back at Eva L. SMACK! One more. Again, Kelly fought the pain and stared back, jaw set. But her eyes told a different story - anyone watching could see how fear was leaking into her expression.

A “SIS-ter-HOOD!” chant started up. Everyone knew that the champs wouldn’t let this stand. Eyes darted between the ring and the aisle, just waiting for them to appear. Nothing. Back in the ring, Eva M. had picked Kelly up around the waist and carried her toward a corner. She sat her on the top buckle and climbed up. Eva L. ran to the adjacent corner and climbed up herself. Kelly started firing punches into Eva M.’s bread basket. Eva was only momentarily taken aback and, with a vicious smile, brought a hard right hand down behind Kelli’s left ear. Kelly yelled in pain, both hands immediately going to the injured area. That’s all Eva M. needed: She quickly cinched her up and fell backwards, dropping Kelly to the mat with a massive Superplex.

Eva M. quickly rolled out of the way because Eva L. was by now flying through the air - she pumped her arms and legs in mid-air and crashed down across Kelli’s chest with a Frog Splash. Kelly folded up into a V, her cheeks puffed out before the air completely left her lungs. She flopped back to the mat, arms out to her side, unmoving but for some involuntary convulsions.

“SIS-ter-HOOD! SIS-ter-HOOD!” Still nothing. The Evas looked disappointed. They each grabbed a house mike and stood of Kelli’s body.

“Where are you, you pussies?” Eva M. yelled.

“SIS-ter-HOOD! SIS-ter-HOOD!”

The Evas looked down the aisle and back at each other, disgust taking over their faces.

“I can’t believe this,” Eva L. griped.

Eva M. looked down at Kelly, who was now groaning a bit and rolling around from side to side. “They bailed on you!” she yelled. “They’d still be in ICU without you and they bailed on you!”

Kelly grimaced as she worked her way to a sitting position. She turned her head, looking longingly down the aisle, eyes pleading for help that didn’t seem to be coming. Tears started to appear at the corners of her eyes. “They straight up used you, girl,” Eva L. said.

Kelly shook her head from side to side, “No! They…WE…went to dinner together!”

“Did they stick you with the check, too?” Eva M. sniped.

“Face it, they fucked you over and tossed you away like a used condom,” Eva L. snarled.


Kelly pulled herself to her feet and rushed at Eva L., fists flailing. Before she could reach Eva, she felt a shooting pain in her scalp and was pulled off her feet. Eva M. released the handful of hair she had grabbed and Kelly fell to the mat, the back of her head impacting with a SMACK. She crumpled into a ball, both arms tucked around her head, feet kicking. The crowd booed as Eva M. laid boots to her while Eva L. jumped to the outside of the ring. She returned shortly after, sliding a steel folding chair toward one of the corners. Eva M. yanked Kelly up to her feet and yanked her to the corner where the chair was. She dropped her mike next to the chair and bent Kelly over. She pulled her up into a Pile Driver position while Eva L. scrambled up to the top rope.

Off-mike, Eva M could be heard to yell, “Any last words?”

The mike on the mat by the chair (above which Kelli’s head was suspended) could pick up Kelli’s now-sobbing voice: “A-Amber. Alexis. P-p-please. . .”

The boos crescendoed as Eva L. jumped off the top rope, her hands pushing down on Kelli’s elevated boots. Eva M. dropped down at the same time, driving Kelli’s head into the steel chair. There was the terrifying sound of skull meeting metal as Kelli’s pitiful sobs were cut off, the blow knocking her completely out. Finally, help arrived. No, it wasn’t The Sisterhood; just TKOW officials and referees. Debris rained into the ring as Eva Destruction stood in the center of the ring, arms raised, making belt motions across their waist. Officials crowded around Kelli’s crumpled body.

Somebody said, “Oh, shit!” Another called out, voice cracking, “MEDIC!” And then we go to commercial.


LAURA PREPON (5’10” 145#, Wachtung, NJ) vs. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ (5’6” 122#, Bexar County, TX)

Laura’s attire is a sea blue bikini with rings between her breasts and on the hips, black knee pads and black boots. Her red hair is loose to her shoulders. Michelle’s in black, her bikini top studded around the edges of the cups with matching boy-cut briefs, boots and knee pads and even black athletic sleeve on her right elbow. Her dark hair is also loose.

Jon Keeton: “Ladies and gentlemen, while we were away, medics wheeled Kelly Garner out of here on a stretcher. She will be taken to a local hospital. As soon as we have word on her condition we will pass it on. But, Eva Destruction, they are just sick people! Kelly Garner was on her way to winning her first match. . .”

“Forget about Eva Destruction, Keeton. Where was the blessed Sisterhood? Whatta bunch of punks! I mean, they wouldn’t be champs without that dopey Kelly and they just leave her to meet Mr. Steel Chair? Total, total frauds!” Janice Dickinson says.

“We hope to figure out exactly where The Sisterhood is tonight. Our intrepid backstage reporter Tina Fey is working right now to find out,” Keeton says.

“Tina Fey!? What happened to Molly McKee? I know they look alike, but still. . .” Janice asks, a smirk coming across her face.

“Tina is our backstage reporter. The only one. Now let’s go back to the ring. . .”

(JOINED IN PROGRESS): Laura Prepon’s right hand smacked into Michelle Rodriguez’s rock-hard stomach. Michelle gave a little, involuntary OOF of pain and slumped back in the corner a bit. But she quickly rebounded rocking Laura back with two quick right jabs to the face, followed by a big sweeping left hook that caught her big opponent on the jaw. Michelle seized on Laura’s stunned expression and grabbed her by the shoulders, pulling the bigger girl into the corner, essentially switching positions.

Michelle went to work, throwing forearms and right hands at the stunned redhead. The ref yelled at her to get her out of the corner. Michelle tossed one more right hand to the solar plexus before finally backing off, her hands raised in front of her. Laura slumped down to sit on the second turnbuckle as she coughed violently and hugged her belly. Michelle, one of the most - if not the most - put-together physical specimens on the TKOW roster, climbed between the ropes and quickly ascended to the top buckle, standing behind Laura. She sat down on the top buckle and pulled Laura up by the hair. Michelle draped each of her opponent’s arms over the top ropes and scissored her legs round her waist. Then Michelle put both her hands underneath Laura’s chin, locking her fingers together, and pulled back.

Laura screamed in pain as Michelle’s legs constricted around her mid-section and her head was pulled back to places it wasn’t made to go. From her perch on the top buckle Michelle allowed herself a smile - well, not really a smile but at least a grin of determination. Laura swung her arms up behind her, grabbing blindly at Michelle. Michelle sat up a little bit off the buckle - this was a mistake. Laura started pumping her long legs and moved out of the corner, Michelle piggy-backing her. As they traveled out of the corner Michelle rearranged her arms and slipped them around Laura’s head, going for a sleeper. Laura’s eyes bulged out more and her arms swung windmills around her body.

Laura started backwards not really seeing where she was going. She backed as quickly as she could into the ropes; Michelle’s mostly bare back pressed into the unforgiving cables. Michelle grunted and grimaced but wouldn’t release the sleeper. Laura made a last ditch effort and was able to back toward a corner. She backed into it with as much force as possible, pressing Michelle between herself and the buckles. Michelle grunted again and her sweat-slicked arms slipped off Laura’s head. Laura was finally able to pry Michelle’s scissored legs from around her waist. Michelle remained smushed in the corner, pinned in by Laura’s bikini’d rear end.

Laura was still shaking off Michelle’s scissors and sleeper (her pale belly was a bruising red from where Michelle’s boots had dug in). Michelle recovered quicker, hammering right arms into Laura’s back. Laura stumbled forward, face contorted, while Michelle stepped out to her face her. Laura suddenly let out a thumb to the shorter girl’s throat. Michelle gasped, caught off-guard. Laura brought her own forearm down across Michelle’s head, the blow folding Michelle over at the waist in shock. Laura, feeling the moment, cinched her around the waist and hoisted her up onto her right shoulder. She quickly dropped down to one knee and dropped Michelle shoulder-first into her extended knee.

Michelle let out a hoarse yell as Laura’s hard knee buried itself into her shoulder. With a smile Laura rolled her opponent off her knee and onto the mat. Michelle lay stunned a hand pressed onto her aching shoulder. Laura was now up to her feet - she ran a hand through their her long red hair, now matted with sweat, her eyes flashing with anger and antici. . .pation. She helped Michelle to her feet as she slithered her right arm up between Michelle’s legs, then she grabbed Michelle’s neck with her left and started to lift. She was going for the Bad Trip, her patented Torture Rack Backbreaker. She didn’t have it exactly right because Michelle’s left arm hung free in front of Laura’s torso. And that’s where the awesome pain struck Laura - she screamed and looked down. Michelle had snuck a hand down into Laura’s bikini top and had started to maul and claw her tit. Laura tried to stand up…

“I’ll neutralize this bitch!” she thought, but Michelle was able to kick free from her grasp and slip down behind her.

Laura was still stunned by the sudden pain in her boob. She was unawares as Michelle reached behind and grabbed onto Laura’s neck with both hands. She dropped straight down delivering a picture-perfect Reverse Neck Breaker. When Laura rose, Michelle grabbed the bigger girl and whipped her off the ropes. As Laura bounded toward the ropes, Michelle took off in the opposite direction, bouncing off the ropes herself. They bounced back at each other - Laura’s glazed over eyes taking over her face, while Michelle was in complete control. Michelle left her feet and spun in mid-air, driving the point of her elbow right into Laura’s unguarded chin. There was sharp report and scream as Laura’s head snapped back - she timbered backwards, head slapping wickedly on the canvas. She laid there kicking her feet, her right hand cupping her injured chin.

Michelle stood above her again, gleefully rubbing her hands together. She grabbed a handful of red hair and yanked Laura up to her feet. Laura’s legs were like rubber, pain coursing through her body, couldn’t do much to resist. Michelle bent her over and locked her in a standing headscissors. Michelle extended her arms out to her sides, fists clenched for a moment, smirk on her face. She bent down and lifted Laura up to a vertical position.

All of Michelle’s muscles bulged as she held up Laura’s body by the waist. She bent slightly at the knees and jumped high into the air. On the way down she sat out and drove Laura’s neck into the mat. Michelle released her grip from Laura’s waist as the move impacted. Laura sat straight up, her eyes rolled up, air escaping through a slightly parted mouth, arms sitting placidly in her lap. She flopped back down, her long red hair pooling behind her head, her right hand splayed across her belly. She was the first victim of Michelle’s Leaping Pile Driver. (They asked Michelle for a name and Michelle said: “Call it a Leapin’ Pile Driver ‘cause that’s what it fucking is!” The TKOW staff left it at that.)

Michelle scrambled over to where Laura had settled and reclined back across her slumbering chest, hooking one of Laura’s legs with her left arm and grinding her vanquished opponent’s face into the mat with her right hand. The referee made a perfunctory three count.

“The Fight Song” by Marilyn Manson played while Michelle climbed back to her feet. Michelle wasn’t really smiling - she didn’t do that kind of thing. She did have a pleased-looking half-grin on her face, though. But the puzzling bit was that she was getting a rousing cheer from the crowd. She wasn’t a natural fan fave like The Sisterhood or Rosario Dawson, but her old-school demeanor clearly hit a good portion of the fans (or maybe it was because there was actually a clean finish tonight). There wasn’t any science to this, who the fans liked - but Michelle had the fans behind her. That would most likely spell trouble for all TKOW wrestlers; good, evil and at all points between.
Jon Keeton: “We knew that intrepid reporter Tina Fey would come through for us. I’m told that we have video footage that was shot outside of the arena earlier tonight. Apparently, this was just as the card was starting, just as Kelly Garner and Rachel Bilson had begun their fateful match. I haven’t seen it yet, but my producer tells me that it may be disturbing. . .” “Just play it, Keeton!” Janice yells. “Okay, okay! Roll it!”

It is pouring rain outside of the TKOW Arena. We see a blue Mini-Cooper hydroplane into a parking spot marked “TKOW Tag Team Champions.” Amber Tamblyn and Alexis Bledel jump out of the vehicle and pull their duffel bags out of the backseat. Amber locks her car with a “Boop-boop” and they start running toward the entrance, holding their bags over their heads for protection. “Stupid traffic,” Amber grunts, rain soaking her anyway.

“We’re going to miss Kelly,” Alexis adds, jumping around puddles as best she can.

They are only able to take a few more steps before two figures step out of the shadows., blocking their path. Both figures wear black hoodies, pulled up over their heads. “Hey, can we give you an autograph inside? It’s kinda raining out.” The figures look up slowly until The Sisterhood can see their faces. A look of shock crosses the champs faces. “What the...” is all Alexis can say before the two figures attack.

They throw quick, vicious and sharp punches at The Sisterhood. They are initially defenseless because they still hold their duffel bags over their heads. The Two Figures punch The Sisterhood back until both are pushed up against an SUV. The Figures spin in unison and bring a kick up to each of The Sisterhood’s heads. Both ladies crumple to the pavement, eyes lolling about.

Figure 1 grabs Amber by her jacket collar and tosses her to the side; Amber smashes backfirst into a small fence. She groans and goes down, splashing into a puddle. Figure 2 turns their attention to Alexis. She is able to rise to her full height and raise her hands up in front of her. She is clearly punch-drunk, though, and wobbles a bit as she faces down Figure 2. Though we can’t see Figure 2’s face we can see their head move like they had just laughed. She makes a little motion for Alexis to Bring It On. Alexis is so intent on facing down this particular attacker that she doesn’t see Figure 1 come flying in from the side. Most importantly, she doesn’t see that Figure’s foot smashing into the side of her head before it is too late.

The blindside kick sends Alexis roughly down to her knees, eyes barely open. She’s defenseless when Figure 2 approaches her, measuring her up. They cock a right fist back, kissing it for good luck, and then slams it across Alexis’ face. As if in slow motion, Alexis’ head snaps to one side, her soaked hair whipping behind her. She topples sideways to the gravel. Rain continues to pound her unmoving body.

Amber has somehow pulled herself up. She cries out and rushes at the two Figures. She makes to grab one of them but her wet, shaky hands slip off her adversary’s drenched clothes. She’s defenseless when the other Figure grabs her from behind and pulls her down into a face lock. Amber’s face is to the cloud-obscured stars, rain coming down in sheets directly into her face. She closes her eyes tightly shut to keep out the pain. Her attacker grabs her roughly around the waistband of her jeans and hoists her up like a suplex, but facing the wrong way.

Amber is pulled vertical and hangs there for a few seconds. Suddenly, she finds herself moving downwards. Because of the way she is positioned she can’t see the car hood she is about to be slammed in to. But she certainly feels it - a disturbing cry of pain comes from her lips as her body is smashed into the hood. The car’s security system activates, sending loud, obnoxious alarms through the parking lot. As Amber slides down the hood of the car she thinks with her last remaining bit of consciousness that the alarm will be bring a rescuer. She completes her slide and crumples at the front of the car, splash landing in a puddle.

Figure 2 has moved to where Alexis lay still. She yanks the Gilmore Girls star up by her soaked hair and drags her over to the car Amber has just totaled. Figure 2 scoops up Alexis and slides her across the roof of the car. Her arms and legs end up spread wide across the roof, her body completely unmoving.

The camera suddenly swings up to see Figure 1 standing on the roof of an 18-wheeler’s cab. They are a good fifteen feet above the ground. The Figure looks down at Alexis’ body. From her position, she sees that her target takes the form of a perfect X. With a flourish, the Figure peels back their hood to reveal the smiling, cruel face of…

Ashley Scott who holds her arms out for just a moment, smile turning to a snarl, before she leaps off; corkscrewing through the air until she crashes down chest-first on Alexis’ unmoving body! Alexis lets out only a semi-conscious scream as she is completely wracked with pain. Ashley rises her feet, a pained grimace alternating with flashes of a cruel smile (that took more out of her than she thought!). Her partner-in-crime removes her own hood.

Jessica Alba points up to Ashley and yells something. Ashley slips and slides down the windshield onto the hood and then we can hear voices calling out, “Hey!” and an ambulance siren wailing over the car alarm.

Ashley and Jessica run together - Ashley limping a bit - toward a Range Rover parked not far away. They climb in and peel away, sideswiping Amber’s Mini as they fishtail out of the parking lot. We see medics come running, wheeling Kelly Garner out toward an ambulance. The medics stop as they see the wasted remains of The Sisterhood. We see a medic raise a radio to his lips and call for backup. The medic shakes his head, running his hand through his soaked hair.

All he can say is “Oh my God.”

MAIDS OF HONOR (Isla Fisher/Rachel McAdams) vs. POWER & GLORY(Nikki Cox/Kelly Monaco)

The Maids attired in peach colored bikini tops cut across and designed to approximate a Maid of Honor wedding dress. Bottoms are little peach skirts with matching panties underneath, again designed like a wedding dress. White knee pads and boots. Hair loose. P&G are wearing silver bikinis rimmed with black edges; Kelly’s a traditional triangle top, Nikki’s a high necked top with a large cut-out exposing her cleavage. Black knee pads and low-cut black boots and loose hair for both girls.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS): Rachel McAdams crawled across the ring toward her team’s corner. Her long, curly hair obscured half of her face, pure desperation was plainly visible of the other half. Power & Glory had controlled the entire match to this point. She stretched her right hand toward her partner. “Come on!” Isla Fisher cried, her Australian accent serenading the ring. Rachel had one last burst of energy and reached. . .only to be yanked back abruptly by the foot. Her unseen (to her) attacker pulled and flipped her onto her back.

Rachel looked up at the imposing figure of Nikki Cox, one hand holding Rachel’s right foot, the other wagging a finger in a “No, no, no” motion. Nikki bent down to grab hold of Rachel’s other leg - but Rachel lashed out with it and caught Nikki square on the chin. Nikki stepped back, stunned. Rachel planted her hands next to her head and rolled backwards and caught Isla’s outstretched fingers as she fell into the corner.

Isla vaulted her 5’3” frame over the top rope and entered the ring. She pounced, fists flying haphazardly at Nikki’s head and bountiful chest. Nikki was rocked back by the fireball’s punches. Isla sprang off the mat and crunched Nikki’s chest with a Standing Drop Kick that took her down. Isla turned and saw Kelly Monaco, Nikki’s partner, climbing through the ropes. A big, crazy smile broke out on Isla’s face - she rushed full tilt boogie at Kelly and knocked her down with a big clothesline! Kelly went down and rolled under the bottom rope to the arena floor. Isla jumped around the ring pumping her fists, shaking her head from side to side, tongue sticking out. The crowd ate it up and cheered adoringly.

Nikki was back to her feet over near the ropes. Isla rushed at Nikki again and went for another Drop Kick. Nikki could see it coming from a mile away and stepped to the side, her hands swiping at Isla’s legs in mid-air. Isla spun and painfully crashed chest-first to the mat. . She tucked her arms around her belly and curled into a ball. Nikki stalked over to her and grabbed a handful of red hair. Isla moaned “Ow, ow, ow” as Nikki yanked her to her feet. Nikki scooped the smaller girl into her arms and held her across her chest. She dropped down, driving Isla’s side into her knee. While Isla laid on the mat, moaning and holding her side, Nikki bounced off the ropes, left her feet, and dropped an elbow into the middle of Isla’s impressive chest. Isla jackknifed on the mat, legs kicking in pain.

“C’mon, Nik, quit having all the fun!” Kelly called.

Nikki shot her partner a cruel little grin and grabbed hold of one of Isla’s kicking legs. She dragged Isla into her team’s corner and made the tag. Kelly jumped up to the second buckle. Nikki pulled Isla’s leg off to the side, opening up her upper thigh to all kinds of problems. Kelly jumped down off the top rope and drove an elbow into Isla’s exposed inner thigh.

“OH NO!” Isla screamed, her hands immediately reaching for the injured area.

Kelly grabbed hold of Isla’s injured leg and pulled her toward the ropes and arranged her body so that her legs dangled over the apron. Kelly climbed through the middle ropes and stood on the ring apron. She seized Isla’s attacked left leg and held it up at a 90 degree angle to Isla’s body and dropped down to the ring floor, Isla’s bad leg hitting the ring apron. Isla howled in pain and reached through the ropes to grab her injured leg. She rocked back and forth, choked sobs coming from her throat. Kelly climbed back up on the apron and stood facing the crowd. She smirked and raised her arms above her head - the crowd booed and shouted at her.

In MoH’s corner, Rachel stamped her foot, calling for Isla to fight back, yelling at referee because of the slapping, anything she could think of. Kelly looked across the ring at the upset Maid, “We’ve got plenty left for you, babe. Don’t worry ‘bout that!”

Isla felt herself being pulled to her feet and whipped off the ropes. Kelly rushed at her, going for a clothesline, but Isla managed to duck. She saw a confused looking Kelly turn toward her, mid-section exposed. Isla swung her jelly-feeling left leg up at that target. It didn’t move as quickly as Isla had hoped and Kelly easily grabbed onto it with both hands. “Stupid. . .” Kelly hissed before…CRACK! Isla pushed off with her good right leg and smashed it into the back of Kelly’s head. Kelly released Isla’s foot and toppled to the ground.

Isla herself collapsed to one knee. She hobbled over toward MoH’s corner - the crowd’s encouraging cheers filling her ears - and with a last second lunge smacked hands with Rachel. She came blasting through the ropes and sprinted over to where Kelly was getting back to her feet. Rachel sprung into the air and caught Kelly’s bowed head in a headlock and rode her face-first into the mat. Rachel grabbed hold of the back of Kelly’s bikini top and briefs and yanked her to her feet. She tossed the stunned Kelly into the corner and laid into her with a knife-edge chop. “WOO!” the crowd yelled. One more chop and Kelly was stumbling out of the corner clearly not sure what hit her. Rachel again seized on the hunched over dance champion and hooked Kelly’s arms behind her back, lifted her off the mat and fell backwards. Kelly tumbled through the air and landed square on her back, the textbook Butterfly Suplex hitting the mark.

Rachel was back up to her feet and flashed the smile that had made her Hollywood’s next big thing. Rachel tied Kelly into a front face lock. Rachel swiveled her hips a few times and rolled Kelly over, nailing a Swinging Neck Breaker. Rachel scrambled over to where Kelly had fallen and covered her, hooking a leg. The referee counted ONE!...TWO!... before Nikki Cox came into the ring and placed a big boot in the middle of Rachel’s back!

Rachel arched in pain as she rolled off of Kelly. Nikki continued to lay the boots, ignoring the referee’s calls to exit. In MOH’s corner of the ring Isla had managed to gather herself and get to her feet. She took a few tentative steps toward the melee in the center of the ring. Nikki saw this activity and came charging over. Isla took a deep breath and prepared herself.

Isla planted her leg, ready to deliver a Superkick to Nikki’s chin. The mistake was that her plant leg was that bad left leg. As soon as she put all her weight on it an electric pain shot through her. She screamed as the leg buckled. Unfortunately, Nikki didn’t stop charging and kept right on coming - she lowered her shoulder and connected dead center with Isla’s belly button. Nikki’s momentum and size advantage carried them both toward the corner. Her entire body weight behind her, she drove Isla into the corner. A high-pitched squeal came from Isla as her body crumpled around the turnbuckles. Nikki let Isla fall unimpeded to the mat. The fiery little redhead dropped her knees, eyes rolled to the heavens, arms listless at her side and just as soon fell face-first to the mat.

While Nikki was absolutely putting out Isla, Kelly had gotten the advantage over Rachel. She grabbed onto Rachel’s head and sat out, driving her face into the mat with a Facebuster. The referee, who had now completely lost control, didn’t stop Nikki from peeling Rachel off the mat, Rachel’s eyes still half-shut from that Facebuster. Nikki clasped her hands around Rachel’s slender throat and lifted her off the mat. Rachel’s eyes opened fully again only to bug out as Nikki’s hands choked her in mid-air. Nikki made a slight rotation and then sat out. She rode Rachel down, her head, neck and back colliding nastily with the canvas. Rachel convulsed involuntarily after the impact of the move. Her head lolled to one side and the last thing she would remember was seeing Isla crumpled unmoving in the corner.

She definitely didn’t see Kelly flying down from her perch on the top turnbuckle. Kelly leapt at Rachel’s unmoving form and brought her right leg down across her throat. At impact the lower-half of Rachel’s body flopped off the mat once or twice before ceasing movement. Kelly rolled down Rachel’s body and put two hands on Rachel’s chest. She didn’t even bother to go for the leg hook. The referee finally did some semblance of his job and counted. Kelly smirk got bigger with each count while Nikki paraded around the edge of the ring, her arms raised in victory. 1. 2. 3.

There went the bell as the Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’t Cha?” played.

Kelly pushed off Rachel’s body and sprang to her feet. She and Nikki met in the center of the ring for a hug, the five inch shorter Kelly actually jumping up into Nikki’s arms. Their celebration was mostly private because everyone else in the place had grown to hate them. They continued their celebration for a few more minutes, even after the TV show had gone to commercial, its last images the crushed and wrecked bodies of Maids of Honor.
Ziyi Zhang stands in the catacombs of the TKOW Arena, waiting patiently. She sees a number of people pass her by. She smiles and nods at them, not saying a word. We see her eyebrows perk up as she sees someone in the distance approach. She steps away from the wall as Kaley Cuoco starts to walk by.

“Hello. Kaley?” Ziyi begins. Kaley stops and stares at her, nostrils flaring at this interruption. “What?!” she snides. “I watched your match on the TV last week. You defeated Devon Aoki. I think that I can defeat you in a match. Can we?”

“Umm, I’m sorry? What did you just say to me?” Kaley rolls her eyes.

“I challenge you to a match at the Lady Luck in Las Vegas. I think I can defeat you. Right?”

“Hold on. You think YOU can beat ME?! In what? Chinese checkers?” Kaley laughs at her own oh-so-brilliant joke.

“No. In wrestling. At the Lady Luck.”

A smirk breaks across Kaley’s face. “Ohhhhh, I get it. I’m being Punk’d, right? Ashton, where are you?!” A look of confusion crosses Ziyi’s face: “I don’t know this. Punk-ed?” “Ohmigod! You’re totally serious? You really wanta throw down with me? You saw what I did to Devon, right? And you want that…on, like, a Pay-Per-View? Mmmmm, OK then; here’s the deal…at Lady Luck I will kick your ass! Deal?”

Ziyi squints her eyes, as if she doesn’t fully understand. “Riiight. At Lady Luck I will kick your ass. We have an agreement!”

Kaley rolls her eyes again and throws back her long blonde hair and walks away. And, as if on a switch, Ziyi’s look of confusion turns to a downright sneaky, knowing smirk. She nods her head slowly as she watches Kaley walk away.


Amanda Seyfried and Kristen Bell, B.F.F. (Best Fighters Forever) walk down the hallway of the TKOW Arena. They look about apprehensively, worry clouding their pretty faces. At each of the last two Savage Sirens shows there have been “strange occurrences” surrounding them. Their dressing room had been broken into and a picture of them set aflame. Last week, after an appearance on Lindsay’s Hot Tub, a stage light had almost fried them. This week TKOW management had ordered additional security to trail them about the arena. That explains the two huge bald men in yellow “Security” T-shirts walking behind them.

Kristen and Amanda’s eyes dart as they approach their dressing room. It was getting closer to the end of the show and nothing has happened yet, so they start to relax a little bit. They stop outside of the door (marked with a big glossy photo of the smiling tag team). Standing outside is another tall, bald, hugely muscled security guard.

“Oswald, what’s up?” Kristen says to him.

Oswald makes a salute with his hand. “Evening, ladies. So far, so quiet, right?”

Amanda smiles at him, “Just how we like it.”

Kristen opens the door and walks into the room, Amanda following right behind. The camera is behind them and can see into the pitch-black room. Kristen has just remarked that she thought she left the lights on when the door slams shut with authority, the camera lens filled up by the glossy picture attached to the door. Amanda’s muffled voice is heard to yell, “Hey! HEY!” Then there’s a calamitous crash from inside the room as Kristen can be heard to scream. Oswald springs into action and tries to open the door. Locked! He rams a beefy shoulder into the door, again to no avail. He calls out, “KEYS! Get the damn keys!” He bangs on the door with one of his huge mitts, “Kristen? Amanda!?” he yells. “I didn’t see anyone go in,” he adds, mostly to himself and his conscience.

More screams and yells and crashes come from B.F.F.’s dressing room. Something heavy smashes up against the door from the inside, knocking Oswald back a bit. The jingling of keys can be heard approaching down the hallway. Another security guard has a giant set of keys. “Which one, which one?” Oswald yells as they fumble with the keys; big fingers inhibiting the frantic search for the right tiny key.

From the inside of the room, Kristen can be heard to yell, “NonoNOOOO!” There is the sound of two thumps hitting the floor….followed by…silence.

“This is it!” the second security guard exclaims as he puts it in the lock. Before he can unlock it and turn the knob, the door swings open slowly. The room is still dark, save for one light just inside the door. In the center of the light lay Kristen and Amanda, slumped together on the floor, unconscious. Their limbs are entangled, clothes torn a bit. Oswald and the other security guards are about enter the room when they are taken aback. From the shadows step two figures. The taller one, with red hair, wears red leather pants and a black leather vest that doesn’t do much to cover her taut, pale belly. A red bra can be see underneath the buttoned vest. The other one, shorter and with brunette hair, wears black leather pants and a bustier style vest that bulges at the seams. They step toward the camera and we can finally see they are Amber Benson and Alyson Hannigan!

The assembled security personnel steps aside seemingly involuntarily as the two ladies step silently out of the room, faces serene and eyes cold. Amber has a bit of blood on her cheek. Alyson says as they walk away, “You have blood on your cheek” as if she was remarking on the weather.

Amber puts the back of her hand on her cheek and gathers a sample, ponders for a moment and then tastes it with her tongue. “Who cares; it’s not mine!” she says with disturbing nonchalance.

They retreat down the hallway while Oswald and his security buddies hurry into B.F.F.’s locker room.


Meanwhile, in Australia, TKOW owner Gavan Thorn watches in horror as the events of tonight’s Savage Sirens unfold. As the broadcast cuts away from the carnage of the attack on B.F.F., Thorn grabs a phone and punches a number. He needs to talk to the TKOW’s LA producer pronto.

Somebody finally picks up in Los Angeles. Thorn barks into the phone: “This is Thorn. Get my son on the phone. NOW!”
PARMINDER NAGRA (5’3” 120# London, England) vs. NATALIE PORTMAN (5’3” 112# Blue State America)

Nagra dressed in a purple tankini top and black hipster briefs. Black knee pads and black boots; her short black hair bobbed and loose. Portman’s in a midnight blue bikini top and boy bottom briefs; blue knee pads and low white boots. A little white dove adorns the right thigh of her briefs. Her hair is loose.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS): Natalie Portman wrapped her arms around Parminder Nagra’s waist and lifted her off the mat, falling back down with a textbook takedown. Natalie lay across Parminder’s back, waistlock still applied. Parminder was not really hurt, just annoyed. She swam her arms in front of her and tried to get some kind, any kind, of traction. Natalie breathed into her ear, “I’m trying to help your people. Don’t fight it!”

“I’m an Indian from sodding London, you bloody cow!” Parminder yelled back at Natalie.

Finally, Parminder bucked her hips enough to dislodge the lighter Natalie from her back.

Both wrestlers scrambled across the mat, making their way to their knees. Parminder’s eyes locked onto the little white peace dove on the front of Natalie’s briefs. Parminder sympathized with Natalie’s cause and beliefs but - blimey! -- she was a pain in the arse! She flashed back to a promotional signing that some TKOW stars were doing for a bunch of little kids. Kids like seven, eight years old were rushing up to Natalie, yelling “Padme! Padme!” and she was giving them “IMPEACH NOW!” buttons and lecturing them on the military-industrial complex.

Back in real time, they both got up to their feet and circled each other. Natalie had been reluctant to wrestle Parminder because she looked like the people that Natalie wanted to help. When it was pointed out to Natalie that Parminder was not, in fact, from that place, she said that her biggest worry was that most wrestling fans wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. The TKOW official that Natalie told this to rolled his eyes at her and booked the match anyway.

They came together in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Parminder suddenly dropped down and pulled Natalie’s legs out from under her. She fell heavily to her back. Parminder popped up to her feet, still holding onto Natalie’s legs, and tried to roll her over into a Boston Crab. She got Natalie rolled over onto her belly and sat back on her butt. Parminder gritted her teeth and reared back. Natalie let out a moan through clenched teeth while she pushed herself up with her arms. Parminder shuffled her feet a bit to regain the dominant position.

Just as Natalie felt Parminder shift her weight she popped her hips, legs slipping out of Parmidner’s grasp. Now flipped to her back, Natalie scissored her legs around Parminder’s mid-section and pulled her backwards. She went flying over Natalie and crumpled to the mat, stunned. Natalie leapt back up to her feet, grimacing just a little, and wiped a stray hair from her face.

She quickly approached Parminder and stomped her once in the small of her back. Parminder let out a moan, her pretty features contorted baroquely. Natalie pulled her up and cinched her in a front face lock. She tried to lift her up for a suplex, but Parminder grabbed hold of Natalie’s leg and rolled her up in a small package. The referee had reached two when Natalie kicked her way free. Natalie was looking mighty un-dovish as she rolled to her feet: her eyes were narrowed to slits and her lips were puckered in a sneer. She swept her arms for Parminder to come get some. For her part, Parminder smiled a bit, feeling as confident in a wrestling ring as she ever had before.

They tied up again, arms and thigh muscles straining as they each tried to gain the advantage. Natalie flung Parminder down into a side head lock. Parminder swung her left arm in a circle as her face was pulled close to Natalie’s left hip. Natalie relaxed her grip for just a second and then tightened her grip again - a gasp escaped from Parminder’s mouth. Parminder was able to get one arm behind Natalie’s back and guide her over to the ropes. She tried to push Natalie away and send her across the ring but Natalie stopped that with a stomp to Parminder’s right foot. Parminder howled in pain. Natalie, smiling a bit, grabbed hold of Parminder and set her across the ring toward the opposite ropes.

Natalie came to the center of the ring and bent over, waiting to back drop the returning Parminder. But the foreign star stopped in her tracks and grabbed two handful of Natalie’s hair. She dropped straight down and drove Natalie forehead first into her bent knee. Natalie gave a shout and shot right back to her feet, her right hand dabbing at the middle of her forehead. She hunched over at the waist, trying to get her bearings. Parminder quickly sprang off the ropes - her short bobbed hairstyle bouncing along - and rushed at her opponent. She leapt into the air and delivered a scissor kick: her right leg crashed into the back of Natalie’s head and drove her face first into the canvas. Parminder had decided to call this The Bender.

Natalie grunted as her face was smashed into the unyielding mat. Impact bounced her off the mat and she involuntarily ended up on her hands and knees. She was blithely unaware of her surroundings when Parminder rolled across her back, hooking her leg to her chest as she folded her up in a pinning combination. Natalie didn’t regain any sense until the referee was at two. Natalie started kicking her legs violently, but Parminder had put all her weight and strength into holding onto the cradle. And the three count!

The bell rang and “Goin’ Down” by Melanie C erupted over the loudspeakers. The crowd jumped to its feet and started cheering as Parminder had her hand raised. Parminder danced around the ring, breathtaking smile spread across her face, her fists pumping in the air. Natalie rolled back onto her haunches and shook her head rapidly in equal parts anger and disbelief. Through her foggy mind she saw Parminder celebrating but couldn’t really did dig why.

That’s when she heard someone yell from ringside, “You chickenshit libs can’t win anything, can ya!”

Something clicked (or snapped?) in Natalie’s mind and she climbed to her feet and rushed across the ring, her eyes wide now and nostrils flaring. Parminder had her back turned and didn’t see her coming. Natalie seized Parminder’s left arm and pinned it behind her back, holding on with her left hand and pressing her sweaty belly against it. She shot her right arm over Parminder’s right shoulder and slung it across her chin and throat. Before Parminder had really realized what was interrupting her revelry, Natalie lifted up on her left arm and constricted her right arm across her throat. Pain shot through Parminder’s arm but she couldn’t scream…Natalie’s forearm was choking off all air. Parminder gaping mouth formed a wide “O” as she started choking.

Natalie started screaming in her ear, “I’m here to HELP!” was one of the more intelligible things heard and swung her hips back and forth, intensifying the pressure. The crowd started screaming at Natalie, booing her and calling names. The ring bell rang over and over again and the referee yelled at her to break the hold but Natalie shook her head and yelled “NO!!!”

Maintaining her hold on the Left Wing Lock (as Natalie called it), she pulled Parminder down to the mat and scissored her legs around her waist. Spittle flew out of Parminder’s mouth as Natalie continued to choke her.

“Ohhhhh.... Lorrrrd!” Parminder gasped.

Suddenly a cheer rose from a portion of the crowd as, flying down to the ring, came Gretchen Wilson in black jeans and a red Molly Hatchet T-shirt.

Gretchen had just started to climb into the ring once Natalie realized what was going on, the activist/actress untangled herself from the almost-out Parminder and scrambled on her hands and knees toward the ropes. A bug-eyed look of surprise popped onto her face when she felt herself being dragged back by the leg Gretchen had caught and was holding her by and smiling broadly.

Natalie grabbed onto the middle rope with both hands and tried to keep from being pulled into Gretchen’s grasp. Gretchen grabbed hold of Natalie’s other leg and pulled. By holding onto the rope Natalie was stretching herself - she moaned in pain. Suddenly she lost her grip on the rope and Gretchen released her legs. She crashed chest-first onto the mat. The crowd popped for Gretchen as she pumped a clenched, cocked fist and approached Natalie. Natalie let out with a kick that caught Gretchen right in the stomach. It set her back for just a second and just long enough for Natalie to pull herself under the bottom rope to the safety of the floor.

Gretchen ran to the ropes and yelled down at her, “You’re gonna git yours!” as “Redneck Woman” starting playing.

Natalie backed her way up the aisle, cradling her stomach and pointing up and screaming at Gretchen. A real look of petulance crossed her face, her voice rising to a shrill shriek. Gretchen broke off and went to where Parminder lay on the mat; she lay on her side coughing violently, nursing her aching left arm with her right hand. Gretchen put an arm around Parminder and helped her to her feet. She took her right arm in her hand and raised it to the rafters. Gretchen pointed at the victor - and Parminder smiled through tears - while the crowd hooted and hollered like there was no tomorrow.
PINK (5’5” 122#, Doylestown, PA) vs. ROSARIO DAWSON* (5’8” 135#, NY, NY) *TKOW CHAMPION

Pink in a black leather bra and leather bikini bottom with combination high black boots/kneepads that look like one seamless item. Her short hair is dyed black in a fauxhawk and she’s wearing fingerless grappling gloves. It’s a burgundy halter bikini top tied behind her neck, for Dawson, with matching boy bottom briefs; both of shiny metallic-like material and black knee pads and boots. Her dark hair is worn long and curly and she has the shiny TKOW Champion belt slung over her shoulder as she comes to ringside.

(JOINED IN PROGRESS): Rosario Dawson whipped Pink off the ropes and, on the rebound, scooped her off the mat. In one fluid motion Rosario spun and drove Pink into the mat with a Power Slam. Pink yowed in pain, her gloved right hand grabbing at the small of her back. Rosario stood up and flung her curly hair back out of her face. The champ zoned all the crowd noise out and was centered on one goal - her opponent in the ring. She waited for Pink to rise off the mat; when she did, Rosario dropped to one knee and fired a sharp punch into her mid-section. There was a SMACK as Rosario’s fist dug into Pink’s firm abs. Pink folded over, coughing and holding her stomach. Rosario D jumped back to her feet and wrapped her arms around Pink’s waist and back. She lifted the smaller singer up off the mat and dropped down with a Gut-wrench Backbreaker, taking Pink’s back directly into an outstretched knee.

Rosario released Pink and let her fall to the mat. The singer rested on her face, butt upturned in the air, her left foot kicking in pain. Rosario continued the attack, bouncing off the ropes and dropping one of her shapely legs across the back of Pink’s neck. Pink convulsed a bit as Rosario’s black boot dug into her exposed neck. Rosario had been all business up to this point but now allowed herself a smile. ‘Almost to Lady Luck,’ she thought to herself. ‘Just a few more. . . AAHHHHH!’

Pink resorted to a trick that had helped her cut Kat Heigl down to size last week - a thumb to the eye - knocked Rosario back. She staggered backwards, dabbing the back of her hand against her injured eye. She didn’t see Pink limp over to her and fire a boot up at her stomach. The blow hit home and Rosario was knocked back to the ropes. Pink took a few steps backwards and rushed at Rosario - Rosario got vision back in both eyes just in time to see a snarling Pink rush at her, right arm extended, aiming for her throat.

The champ couldn’t get her hands up in time before the clothesline knocked her backwards and over the top rope. Her fall was interrupted by the small of her back colliding with the edge of apron. She let out a scream and flopped chest-first onto the cold arena floor. Pink climbed through the ropes and stood on the apron. She waited for Rosario to rise to her feet - once she did Pink jumped off the apron and drove a double-axe handle down hard into Rosario’s back. Rosario D was chopped to her knees, her face grimaced in pain. Pink hopped to her feet and stood in front of the kneeling champ. She drew back a gloved fist and smashed it across Rosario’s chin. Rosario’s head snapped to one side, spittle drenching fans in the front row. (A later conversation: Fan 1: “Hey, I got Rosario’s spit on my shirt!” Fan 1’s Friend: “Fuckin’ A!”)

Pink was going to deliver one more punch - really take this bitch to school - when Rosario’s head snapped back forward, eyes wide, cheeks puffed. Pink tried to follow through with the punch but the kneeling Rosario threw up a left arm and blocked it. She shot out her free right hand and grabbed onto Pink’s bottoms. She pulled the off-balance Pink forward toward her, ducking at the last minute so that Pink could proceed unimpeded toward the apron. There was nothing Pink could do to stop her momentum: her chin hit the top of the apron, her teeth and head rattling in displeasure. Rosario wasn’t playing any games - she hiked herself to her feet and this time grabbed the back of Pink’s bottoms with her left hand. She pulled Pink toward her again and rammed home a forearm to the small of Pink’s back. Pink threw her head back and yelled, now her back on fire. Still maintaining hold of Pink’s bottoms Rosario rolled her opponent back into the ring.

The singer lay stunned by the ropes as Rosario D approached. The champ took Pink by the nape of her neck and yanked her to her feet. She tied her up in a side face lock and hooked her briefs. Lifting her off the mat Rosario held Pink in place for 7, 8, 9, 10 seconds before finally falling backwards. The ring shook as both wrestlers crashed to the mat. Of course, Rosario bounced back easier and she jumped up to her feet, fist pumping. Pink rose delicately - and just as soon went back down, taken off her feet by an on-rushing clothesline by Rosario. She danced from side to side beckoning Pink to rise up again. Pink, against her better judgment, did just that and as she turned was taken down AGAIN by another clothesline.

Pink rolled around the mat as she cradled her aching head as Rosario yelled, “Get up and fight! C’mon!” Still on the mat, Pink heard this challenge over the ringing in her ears. Her pride affronted, she pushed herself up off the mat with her hands and glared across the ring at her opponent. Rosario laughed as she put her hands up in front of her, fists clenched. “Let’s do this!” she called.

Both wrestlers stepped out toward each other, looking for an opening. Pink feinted a left jab and when Rosario bit sent a right uppercut into Rosario’s stomach. Rosario tightened her abs to try and soften the blow and at the same time unleashed a right hook that clipped Pink’s chin. Pink shook it off and then did her old street-fighting days proud - she just rushed at Rosario, fists flailing. Rosario had been convinced that Pink was going to stick with the straight-up boxing and was particularly prepared for this approach. She covered up her head as Pink pushed her against the ropes, wailing on her head and then stomach.

‘Okay, this shit’s gone on long enough,’ Rosario decided. She shot out both hands toward Pink’s chest, shoving her away. Pink was thrown off-balance a little as Rosario rushed her, wrapping her arms around Pink’s mid-section. She tried to lift her off the mat but Pink cut that short with a double ear clap that made the champ scream in pain. Pink, on adrenaline now, pulled Rosario’s head down and delivered a sharp and sudden DDT. Rosario rolled to her back, eyes blinking, shocked at the move. Pink rolled on top and went for the pin, hooking the leg. Rosario got it together at two and lifted her shoulder off the mat.

Pink slapped her thigh in frustration. She yanked Rosario D off the mat by the hair and flipped her back down to the mat. Rosario sat up on the mat, stunned, her arms cradled in her lap. She didn’t see Pink come running from behind and flip over her body, catching and snapping back her neck. Rosario shouted in pain and slumped back, her feet kicking. Pink rolled to her feet, a fist raised. The crowd got on her case here, but she didn’t care. She caught a glimmer of the TKOW Championship belt sitting at ringside. When she had that baby wrapped around her waist, it wouldn’t matter what these ass hole fans thought about her. She approached Rosario again and again pulled her off the mat. Rosario suddenly fired out with punches to the belly. Pink, unprepared, gagged and coughed as the wind was knocked out of her. Rosario tried to whip Pink off the ropes, but the singer planted her feet and, muscles straining, reversed the whip. Rosario’s eyes widened as she saw she wasn’t just approaching the ropes, but also the referee. He was out of position and trapped as the champ barreled toward him, unable to stop.

Rosario and the referee collided, their heads knocking together. The referee (because he’s a referee) went down and out. Rosario staggered back to where Pink was before…but she wasn’t there any more - Pink was flying through the air toward the unsuspecting Rosario and her Flying Lariat caught Rosario around the chin and neck! They both fell to the mat, Pink on top of the champ. The singer got her feet first - a snarl on her face - and grabbed Rosario’s right arm. She pulled her up by the arm and wrapped it around in a wrist lock, holding it out to the side. Rosario was still stunned and could only recognize that she was in some deep, deep shit. Pink’s snarl curled into a cruel smile and her eyes lit up as she drew back her right hand. Rosario’s eyes went wide and knew she had to act but her brain wasn’t on speaking terms with the rest of her body right now.

Just as Pink was about to deliver the Punk Out to Rosario’s wide open chest there was a rustle in the crowd. Pink heard and felt it and paused for just a second before dealing Rosario the likely knockout blow. She felt movement behind her. Cursing, she released Rosario and spun around. A big hand clasped itself around her throat and, before she could fight it, Pink was lifted up off the ground and then taken violently down to the mat with a Choke Slam. Her body spasmed like a fish out of water on the mat. Rosario finally was together enough to look up at this intruder. She gasped when she saw who was standing over Pink’s unmoving body…

...Jessica Biel in typical leather pants and black leather bustier. She looked blankly at Rosario, then back down at Pink before a wicked, *WICKED* grin spread across her pretty face. Rosario groggily got up to her feet and faced off with Jessica, Pink’s fallen body lying between them. A look of disbelief washed over Rosario’s face as she tried to figure out what was going on. For her part, Jessica just stared back, THAT smile just ruling over her otherwise cool demeanor.

Jessica finally said, “She’s all yours, champ.” The way she said it, the word “champ” just dripped with sarcasm! Jessica backed away and started to exit the ring. “See you at Lady Luck,” were her parting words.

Then it hit Rosario full in the face (for once not literally). Jessica had to know she was up next for a title shot. And she clearly didn’t want to face Pink (not because she couldn’t beat her - she just didn’t PREFER to beat her). She wanted Rosario and Rosario alone. “If the bitch wants me,” Rosario D thought. “The bitch is gonna get me!”

Rosario pulled the slightly recovering Pink off the mat and whipped her off the ropes. As Pink rebounded, eyes showing that not much was left in the tank, Rosario raised her right leg and drove it into Pink’s oncoming face. The Big Boot did it’s job as Pink’s head snapped back and forced her entire body to corkscrew down to the mat. She landed face-first, her arms out in front of her and her legs spread, all appendages worthless right now. Rosario - the crowd’s cheers at her back - came over to Pink and stood between her legs. She reached down and grabbed hold of each one. She lifted Pink’s body up and off the mat by the legs so that the singer’s butt was up around Rosario’s face (unpleasant, but true), her upper body and head high above the mat. Rosario started her rotations, gathering speed and momentum -- 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. At the fifth rotation, Rosario sat out and drove Pink’s face and chest into the mat… ”The Five Boroughs Slam” (five boroughs, five rotations, get it?) hit with all its might as Pink gasped and bounced off the mat before settling with Rosario still holding onto her legs.

The champ rolled Pink over onto her back and dropped her sweat soaked body across Pink’s chest. She pulled back to hook a leg as the referee staggered over to make the count. 1. 2! 3!!

The Beastie Boys’ “Ch-check It Out” blasted over the sound system as Rosario gingerly made her way to her feet. She was hurting, yeah, but as champ she knew that she should feel better than this. As she had her hand raised and her belt handed to her visions of Jessica swam in her head. What was that bitch up to? Rosario even felt a little nervous. But with a shake of her head she tried her best to remove all doubts. Then the music and the cheers and the cool belt in her hand took over. She broke into a big smile and climbed to one of the middle turnbuckles. She lifted her belt up in the air with one hand and yelled out to the crowd. She moved her head in time to the Beasties’ beat.

“You know, she thought, “this shit feels good. Ain’t no way Jessica’s takin’ this away from me. Fuck her! I’M the champ and I’m gonna be for a damn long time!”