The Very Best of Irish... So Far
Karen McDougal vs. Victoria Silvstedt
VS

It was a cold rainy Sunday afternoon. Not much was on TV unless you gave a shit about grown men chasing a little white ball. Jermaine figured, "I may as well put away some of my winter clothes in the attic and bring down the summer ones." He made his way around the attic where he found a box containing childhood treasures. Carefully, he carried the box back down to his den, placed it on his desk and opened it.

Gently he unpacked and set up his AWA Wrestling ring. God that thing was a classic! Then, one by one, he unpacked the classic action figures; Bruno Sammartino, Andre the Giant, Nature Boy Rick Flair, and Jessie the Body Ventura. "Some collector would pay a fortune for this collection," he thought. But probably not as much as he spent on his two prize collector items; small, lifelike, full motion action figures of Karen McDougal and Victoria Silvstedt.

He glanced up at the shelf where he had the women on prominent displayed, then had a wicked thought. He leaped to his feet and grabbed the two Playboy Playmate figurines. He paused for a moment as he slowly ran his fingertips over their bosoms. The material felt just like real human skin. As he placed them in the center of the old toy-wrestling ring, he thought, "If they were only real, what a great match this would be. Victoria could be the heel and Karen the face."

Just then, he couldn’t believe his eyes. There was a large clap of thunder, a brilliant flash of light and the room began to spin in amazing color (just like the start of a ‘Quantum Leap’ episode). When his eyes adjusted to the light after the bright flash of light, he looked up to see that the ring had grown to full size and the two women had come to life. Jermaine rubbed his eyes to make sure that this wasn’t a mirage. "Holy Shit!" he thought, "This looks so real. The only thing missing was the Spanish announcers table! Oh well! This is just going to have to do."

As he looked up towards the ring the two lovely women slipped out of their cover-ups and stood facing each other in skimpy bikinis as they angrily stared each other down. The insults began to fly back and forth over who was the best Playmate of the Year. Then they began to circle as they sized each other up in anticipation of the bell that would start the match.

Victoria had the advantage in size and reach, but Karen counters with the ring presence and more experience. The bell sounded and it was time to get it on! Victoria kept Karen at distance with stinging jabs to the face not allowing her to get inside her defenses to attack her body. Each time Karen tried to advance on her, Victoria would use her reach, jab hard and then dance away untouched.

Karen was growing frustrated as she was unable to inflict any damage to her foe. After several tries, Karen just lunged headfirst at Victoria trying to trap her in the corner so she could work on her body without giving her a chance to escape. However, Victoria hit Karen in the back of her head, knocking her to the mat on her hands and knees when Karen dove forward groping at her legs.

Victoria dropped an elbow to Karen’s back, striking her between the shoulder blades bringing a pained grunt. Knowing she found a sweet spot, Victoria quickly straddled Karen’s waist and began to hammer away at the area with her fists. With Karen trapped between her thighs, Victoria untied her bikini top as she continued to crush her ribs between her legs.

After Victoria figured she had Karen softened up enough, she got to her feet and helped Karen to her feet with two handfuls of hair. She spun Karen around and whipped her to the far side of the ring. Karen crashed into the ropes and bounced back as Victoria headed off in the opposite direction. Both women bounced off the ropes and sped toward each other at breakneck speed. Something had to give.

At the last moment before impact, Victoria dove with a shoulder block to Karen’s chest that flattened her tits against her chest. Karen crumpled to the mat flat on her back with her eyes spinning in her head as Victoria landed on top of her knocking the breath out of her.

Not letting up, Victoria scrambled up and climbed to the top turnbuckle, turned and leaped off with a frog splash, rocking an already dazed Karen who bounced once and lay still with Victoria’s body spread out on top of her. Victoria had some of the wind knocked out of her as well, but when she looked down at Karen she figured she’d come off the better of the two of them.

Jermaine was about to jump into the ring to come to Karen’s aid but it was like watching a train wreck - you didn’t want to see the crash, but you couldn’t bring yourself to look away!

Just as Jermaine was rising to his feet, Victoria stood over Karen, roughly pulled her bikini bottom off and tossed it out of the ring hitting Jermaine square in the face with a sweaty SPLAT! The combination of the beautiful sight and the sweet smell that filled his nostrils caused his knees to become weak and he collapsed back into his seat.

Once more, Karen was hauled to her feet by Victoria’s hair haul and her slumping body was flung to the near corner. If her arms hadn’t been draping over the top ropes, she’d have fallen and dropped on her ass. Victoria approached Karen and struck her with a wicked right cross to the face.

"You’ve followed me my entire career," Victoria screamed. "I was the playmate in December of 1996 and you had to follow me in December of 1997," she roared as she struck with a tit flattening left hook. "I was the Playmate of the Year in 1997 and you had to follow me in 1998!" she grunted as she landed a nasty uppercut to the belly driving the air from Karen’s lungs.

Karen just couldn’t get her defenses together, continually being just a step behind as Victoria kept rotating the target of her attack.

"You even followed my liquor ads," Victoria snarled as she blasted another shot to Karen’s left temple.

Grabbing Karen’s wrist, Victoria sent her flying across the ring into the opposite corner where she crashed in basically the same position as her flailing arms flew back and draped over the tope ropes supporting her weight. Wasting no time, Victoria charging right after her.

"Since you like following in my foot steps so much, try THIS on for size!"

Victoria lifted her right leg and drove her foot squarely into Karen’s face. She stepped back to catch her breath and admire her handiwork as Karen just crumpled to the canvas. She dropped to her knees and then toppled forward and landed flat on to her face. Using a strong kick to the ribs, Victoria rolled Karen onto her back.

Victoria had planned to wrap up this little contest because she couldn’t believe Karen’s reputation as a fighter after what had been a one-sided contest ever since the horses left the gate. One more high-risk maneuver would finish Karen off and then she could go check out the guy with the wide grin and Karen’s bikini bottom covering his face.

Victoria climbed to the top turnbuckle a second time; paused as she reached her perch and surveyed the damage she’d inflicted on Karen. Then she glanced over at Jermaine and smiled an evil smile.

"You fucking tramp!" she yelled at Karen. "You wasted my whole afternoon and didn’t even have the courtesy to give me the challenge I had hoped for!"

Victoria jumped high in the air to nail a second frog splash on her dazed opponent. Just about the time Victoria reached the height of her ark, Karen brought her knees up into her chest and raised her feet. As Victoria came down unable to stop, Karen aimed her raised feet at the strategic points of Victoria’s tits and crotch.

The impact caused Victoria to turn white from the awful pain Karen had inflicted. Victoria’s deflated body folded over Karen’s feet just as Karen kicked her legs up and sent Victoria flying through the air for a second time. All the wind was knocked out of Victoria even before she crashed to the mat on her back in the center of the ring.

Karen couldn’t take time to recover, she had to act immediately if she were to turn the tide. She forced her self to her feet and dropped a knee to Victoria’s heaving belly. Putting her fist on auto-pilot, Karen hammered away at Victoria’s face till she heard the crunch of bone and blood began to flow freely.

Karen then dismounted, stood, and lifted Victoria to her full 5’10 ½" height. Victoria wavered on her feet but she stood glassy-eyed on her own. Now it was Karen’s turn to take to the top rope for her own version of a high-risk offensive move. Pulling off the perfect hurricana, Karen caught Victoria’s neck between her ankles as she soared into her and flipped Victoria clear across the ring.

Karen rolled over and brought Victoria to her feet, flung her against the ropes and, as she rebounded, dropped her with a mammoth clothesline!. Dragging Victoria up and backing her against the ropes, Karen used the top and middle ropes to tie up Victoria's arms between them. With Victoria securely restrained, Karen relieved Victoria of her bikini leaving both women au natural. It was now Karen’s turn to beat a history lesson into Victoria’s hide.

"First of all, you fucking washed up tramp," she gasped. "I didn’t FOLLOW in your footsteps!" Karen said as she punted Victoria between her legs, lifting her restrained body in the air..

"When a better thing came along," she sneered derisively. "Your ass got kicked to the curb!"

This insult she accented with a spinning heel kick to the side of Victoria’s head. The next step in her attack was to use Victoria’s lolling head as a speed bag. Jermaine could almost swear Victoria was some leftover from bobbin head doll day at Dodger Stadium her head bounced so sweetly.

One more kick between the legs for good measure left Victoria’s body dangling limp in the ropes.

Karen freed her and slapped her awake so she wouldn’t miss anything. Karen lifted Victoria off the mat, inverted her with her head wedged between her legs and finished her off with a pile driver that knocked her out cold!

When Jermaine scrambled from his seat and went to jump into the ring, the bright light and swirling colors returned again. The next sound heard was that of crunching plastic as the once mint condition ring shattered in several pieces under his trampling feet. He looked down in shock and picked up the two Playmate Collector Edition dolls.

"If it had only been real," he thought sadly. Then, "Hey didn’t these dolls come with bikinis?" he asked as he looked around.

As he got off the broken ring, he kicked over the broken pieces and saw, under the remains of the plastic ring, two small doll size bikinis. "Hmmmmmmm...."


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TO KAREN McDOUGAL

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