CHRISTINA AGUILERA vs JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT
VS
Jennifer Love Hewitt woke up the next morning after her near disaster versus Gwen Stefani with a very sore kitty. If it had happened the right way, and not having another bitch slam her fist into her woman hood, Jennifer would not have minded. Jennifer moaned as she rolled out of bed, and went to the shower. After a painful morning piss, Jennifer showered, allowing the hot water soothing her aching muscles. Jennifer began thinking about her next big fight with Christina Aguilera. For whatever reason these two ladies had an intense dislike of each other.
Christina, who grew up in the hard scrabble town of Rochester, Pennsylvania, thought that Jennifer was a typical pampered Southern California bitch. In other words, Christina thought Jennifer was soft media creation, due to her angelic smile. Even though Jennifer's win streak, and list of opponents was less than impressive. Teri 'Freakin' Hatcher was old, and unathletic. Gwen Stefani, of all bitches, controlled Jennifer through most of the fight. Only a lucky punch saved Jennifer. Christina, therefore, was not concerned with Ms. Jennifer Love Hewitt's abilities. Added to this fact, Christina is fresh, uninjured and having great workouts. A victory over the overrated Hewitt would put Christina back in the lime light.
Jennifer had similar feelings toward Christina. "Xtina is a slimy tramp." Her successful career was due to mud wrestling videos. "Disgusting!" Jennifer thought there was an obvious lack of talent. The fact that Jennifer's singing career turned into a dismal failure only infuriated Jennifer all the more.
Actually, while Jennifer grew up in Southern California, her life was not like on Rodeo Drive, a BMW, and private schools. Raised by a single mother, Jennifer lacked the material gifts that many Southern California kids took for granted. Actually, Jennifer and Christina had more in common that items dissimilar. Jennifer ranted that Christina was a pampered Disney princess. Aguilera's comments that, the only thing Hewitt does worst than sing is catfighting burned in Hewitt's brain. In six days she would show that Pennsylvania tramp what catfighting was all about. Many of Christina's recent opponents have been doing that rather easily.
Jennifer got out of the shower, and examined her sore kitty. She sighed and told herself, "Just suck it up for just six more days."
Christina had two considerable advantages over Jennifer heading into their catfight. First, The Dirty One was rested and healthy. Secondly and perhaps more importantly, Christina is fresh mentally. Jennifer has fought ten consecutive fights over a twenty week period. Her physical and mental fatigue was obvious against Gwen Stefani. Would Jennifer be able to suck it up mentally and physically one more time? Also, just one week after the Stefani fight.
Christina did not think so. As a matter of fact, The Dirty One thought she would finish Hewitt off early, easily, and decisively. "Fatigue causes mistakes." Christina told her coach Janet Jackson. "Just look at her style, coach. Hewitt just bores in. I will let her in and slam her with a right left combination. That should get her off balance. Hell, the bitch has no defense to begin with."
Janet agreed that The Dirty One would win easily. However the wise coach, cautioned, "It may not be that easy. Look Jennifer is a great inside fighter. We've got to work your abdominals girlfriend. She wants to attack your body." Coach Jackson playfully punched Christina's abs, and was surprised at the rock hard firmness. "Yeah" Janet thought. "My Blonde bitch can take a body shot."
The Rochester Rocket, Christina, indeed have been training hard. Her hatred for Jennifer Love Hewitt knew know bounds. 'Screw that little girl image Hewitt has. Why doesn’t the press report about her temper tantrums on the television set? No, the press just focuses on that sweet smile." The press never forgets Christina's early career racy videos. "Hell" Christina thinks, "Who was the bitch that did the photo shoot for Maxim? Yeah, that sweet smiling fat brunette, not me." Christina had great workouts. Her movements in practice were quick and confident. Her weight is 102 pounds of lean raw sinewy muscle. The good folks in Rochester would be proud come Saturday night.
Jennifer is a very tired fighter. Her body ached from the drubbing she received from Gwen Stefani. Again, a lucky punch saved her ass. She only six days to recover and train for Aguilera.
Day one was a rest day comprised of soaking her sore kitty in the whirlpool, some deep tissue massage, stretching, and rehydrating. Day two was a day of film study. "Christina is a challenge" Jennifer thinks. "That little blonde slut can punch. Her foot work is quick. The Dirty One can punch like a woman who weighs 150 pounds, by her technique of turning her body into her punches." Plus, Jennifer admits to herself, that Christina displays that toughness typical of Western Pennsylvania, home of many great athletes. The night blazes from furnace blasts, the grime from coal mines, and many a person that used their athletic gifts to escape the drudgery and monotony of those dangerous jobs.
"I could really se a sparring partner" Jennifer thinks. Then the film room door opens.
"Hello Jenn!" Startled, Jennifer looked up from her tape study. She was stunned with her mouth agape starring at a smiling Alyssa Milano. "I just wonder if you'd like some help in preparing for your fight?" Alyssa said with an impish smile.
Jennifer could not believe her luck. Standing before her is Alyssa Milano. The legendary Alyssa Milano, arguably the greatest pound for pound catfighter EVER! Many catfighters are compared to Alyssa, but Alyssa is never compared to any other catfighter. Exactly what Jennifer needed, a tough quick, experienced sparring partner. After a quick acceptance and a few girly girl hugs, Alyssa looks Jennifer in the eyes. With her left hand, Alyssa holds Jennifer's chin at eye level and examines her eyes. Then with a smile, Alyssa says, "I like it girl. I see the eyes of a killer. C'mon, we've got work to do."
The next few days Alyssa and Jennifer sparred, not at half speed but, at full speed. The only saving grace is a padded head protector for both ladies. Alyssa was surprised by Jennifer's offense. "She has quick hands", Alyssa thought, "Not that accurate, but quick." However defense is a problem. Alyssa is hitting Jennifer far too much and far too easily.
During a break on day 4 of training, both fighters are sweating and breathing hard. Alyssa laid it on the line. "Look Jenn, you can really punch. You can out punch her." Jennifer beamed, until Alyssa cautioned, "However, she will be able to hit you. Don't drop your hands!" Alyssa shouted and playfully slapped Jennifer's cheek. "C'mon, lets get back to work." The girls sparred the next day, on day 5. "Remember hands up! At ALL times!" Alyssa barked frequently. "Your Pilates and ball sit ups will show up Saturday night."
They had one final 5 minute all out war, before the fighters rested before the fight. Both tiny dynamos battered each other relentlessly. Alyssa is pleased at Jennifer's improving defense. Also her ab work has produced a layer of muscle which would hopefully absorb Christina's powerful body attack. Alyssa had to do one last thing. Remembering the relentless attack on Jennifer's kitty, Alyssa attacked the furry triangle with furious abandon. Jennifer responded with a left, right to Alyssa's head. The bell rang. Both sweaty, fit women hugged each other tightly.
"You didn't hurt my kitty at all." says a smiling and confident Jennifer Love Hewitt.
"Yeah I know." Alyssa replied. "You're ready. Go knock that trampy bitch out!"
Both fighters were ready for battle. Both are fit, confident and full of hatred for each other. Fight day arrived. Both vixen nervously looked for anything to pass time. Finally two hours before the fight, the scheduled limousines arrive to take both opponents for their separate rides to the arena.
Christina was very confident. Jennifer is just an overrated bitch, who has made her reputation defeating older women, has beens, and never will be's. Christina thought she would take Hewitt out easily and efficiently. After all she is younger, faster, stronger and more intelligent. At least that is what Christina thinks. Christina dresses her 5'1" body in skin hugging leather chaps. Her blonde mane is dangling in cornrows, and her bosom covered by a white bikini.
Christina entered the arena first. Her fans stood giving her a thundering ovation. Christina acknowledges her fans by waving both arms in the air, and strutting around the ring.
Jennifer appeared quite nervous prior to the fight. Her new friend Alyssa Milano tried to soothe her jangled nerves with some last minute coaching. "Just move Jenn. Keep moving. You have more heart than Christina. Eventually she will submit. Just withstand her initial charge." Alyssa says as she massages Jennifer's tight neck muscles.
Jennifer sighed and entered the ring area. Standing 5'2" and weighing at 110 pounds. Her long brown hair is slightly curled to her shoulders. Jennifer is wearing a white sports bra, with short black leather bikini bottoms, and black wrestling boots to her knees, just like Christina. Jennifer's entrance is less than Christina's booming entry. The crowd is respectful, but not an eruption. Jennifer parades from left to right with her arms raised.
Finally after the national anthem and fighter introductions both fighters are brought face to face for final instructions. The fighters bang their chest together, standing nose to nose at each other with obvious hostility. The fighters roughly touch fist and go back to their corners. The crowd stands cheering. Both fighters breathe deeply, as the bell rings.
Christina takes two steps toward the middle of the ring, then one step left. A slight smile is on her face as she awaits Jennifer. Through her film study, Christina thought Jennifer would try to force the action from the beginning. Christina proves correct as Jennifer barreled straight toward her smaller opponent. Jennifer pushes her hands outward toward Christina's face, but Christina ducks the move easily. Jennifer pivots quickly, just as the Rochester Rocket anticipated. As Jennifer pivoted, her arms are low, exposing Jennifer's face to danger. THUD! THUD! Christina snaps off two wicked right jabs to Jennifer’s nose and lips. Jennifer groans and backs up, as Christina's fans howl in glee. "C'mon Jenn" Christina taunted "At least make me sweat." Jennifer shakes her head, raises her fist and again tries to move in for a close attack to Christina.
Christina lounges in trying to get her hands in Jennifer's hair. Hewitt slaps her right hand into Christina's left cheek. The cracking sound whistled through the arena as Jennifer connected. "Oh, I will do more than make you sweat Xtina." Jennifer sings with a smile.
Jennifer presses in, lowering her head trying to head butt Christina's sternum. Christina stepped to the left, causing Jennifer to miss. As the brunette sails past Christina, the blonde pushes her in the back, sending the Texan into the ropes. Jennifer grabs the ropes and holds on, while raising her left leg in a mule kick to keep Christina away. The last thing Jennifer wanted was to whip around into a hook to the face. "You pathetic amateur!" mocks The Dirty One. Then Christina pushes Jennifer's back against the ropes, by shoving Jennifer's ample bosom hard. Jennifer’s nipples are crushed against the top rope as Christina leans into Jennifer. Christina closes her lethal fists, and slams a powerful left right combination into Jennifer's kidneys. The brunette rears her head back and screams to Christina's fans delight. The kidney punches would slow down Jennifer later in the match. Jennifer raises her hands and turns to face her tormentor. Christina fires another left-right combo, but Jennifer blocks the punches with her forearms and elbows.
"Get off the ropes Jenn!" shouts Alyssa, "Now!"
Jennifer wraps her arms around the tiny dynamo, and raises her left knee, slamming it into Christina's kitty. "You fuckin' cheating cunt!' screams Christina as Jennifer's knee finds its mark. Christina claws her right hand and finds Jennifer's soft, fleshy, 36C left breast. Christina squeezes and claws the breast, twisting it left and right. Jennifer howls and slams her right fist directly into Christina's mouth. Christina pulls her hand back, and delivers a sharp right handed slap to Jennifer’s face. Sweat flies off the bosomy brunette's brow. True to form, Jennifer proves very easy to hit.
Christina steps back to the middle of the ring. She thinks the brunette will charge, allowing her to counter attack. Both fighters are breathing hard, and their skimpy outfits are soaked with sweat. Jennifer takes two steps toward her tiny foe. She fakes a left jab toward Christina, then lifted her right leg to kick Christina in the belly. The move is telegraphed. Christina grabs Jennifer's leg, and pulls Jennifer in close, breast to breast. As Jennifer is trying to extricate her leg, Christina delivers two killer rights to Jennifer's face at very close range. Christina releases Jennifer's leg, allowing her to fall unceremoniously to the mat, on her ass.
Christina's fans howled. Alyssa Milano covered her eyes, as Jennifer landed roughly on the mat. Christina jumps on top of Jennifer, and straddles the stunned brunette. Christina delivers a right-left combination to the prone Hewitt. A thunderous right lands on Jennifer's mouth. The audience gasps as blood shoots out after the punch. Then a left to Jennifer's nose springs another geyser of blood erupting from Jennifer's nose. Another right-left pounds the defenseless brunette's defenseless face. Jennifer's head rolls left with her eyes in the back of her head. Christina's fans stand roaring their approval. Christina gives to nasty pulls to Jennifer's tits. Christina stands over the unconscious, or almost unconscious brunette. Christina takes her mouth piece out bent her head towards Jennifer and shouts "Tits up bitch!" then shockingly spits into Jennifer's face. Next, Christina raises her arms above her head and goes to the neutral corner. Christina stands on the ropes, with her back arrogantly to Jennifer raising her left hand, saluting her fans.
"Oh shit!" a stunned Alyssa exclaims. In just 15 seconds Jennifer Love Hewitt has sustained more damage than the US Navy at Pearl Harbor.
Meanwhile Jennifer flirts between consciousness and unconsciousness. However something stirred within her. Six months ago, heck three months ago, Jennifer would take the count and accepted Christina's spit. She would have thought, "Oh well I tried." But not today. Now she is thinking, "No bitch is going to spit in my face, and make me accept it." Somehow, someway, Jennifer got up at the 7 count. The referee was amazed. The official wipes away the blood covering Jennifer's face, allowing her perhaps an extra second before letting the fight continue.
"Damn!" thinks Christina. "This bitch does have some game." Jennifer takes a big gulp of air as Christina seeks to end the fight.
Jennifer got her hands up to protect her head as Christina unleashes two thunderous haymakers that explode on Jennifer's forearms. These blows would have ended Jennifer's winning streak if they had connected. Frustrated, Christina pushes Jennifer into the corner. The blonde pins Jennifer in the corner, as the coppery smell of blood fills the air. Christina mashes her boobs into Jennifer's and places her thins thighs against Jennifer's thighs to keep her trapped.
Jennifer keeps her hands up. Christina slams home rights and lefts to the ribs, Jennifer's belly and kitty. Still Jennifer did not fall. The arena echoes as Christina's fist find their mark on Jennifer's body again. Jennifer tries to punch back. At this point, Christina is so intent on finishing the match that a few weak blows to her face would not stop her. Finally Jennifer sticks her thumb into Christina eye. The blonde howls and backs off. Soon her left eye would be swelling. A furious Christina charges, but Jennifer counter punches. Landing some jabs that have Christina's head snapping back. Jennifer shows she still had some snap in her fist.
"I'll be damned," thinks Alyssa, "The storm's passed."
Jennifer is out of immediate danger, but was badly damaged. She is swallowing blood and breathing ragged out of her mouth. Christina has a swollen left eye. Jennifer knew time is on her opponent's side. Christina is amazed. "This bitch should be in surgery by now." the blonde thinks.
"C'mon Jenn." Alyssa screams, "You've taken her best shot!"
Hewitt is beginning to realize that Alyssa is telling the truth. Jennifer crowds her smaller opponent. As Christina takes a step forward to meet her, Jennifer steps to the left, and snaps a head lock on the tiny blonde. Christina is bent forward at the waist as Jennifer secures the headlock. Imitating the WWE wrestler, Trish Stratus, Jennifer runs forward with her secured headlock, and leaps in the air, and bull dogging the blonde's face first into the canvas.
Christina's fans are dumbstruck as Jennifer finds her groove. As Christina moans with her face buried in the mat, Jennifer gets a handful of the blonde's corn rows and lifts her face up before slamming Christina's face down into the mat. However, the Rochester Rocket shows her intestinal fortitude. As Jennifer tries to slam Christina's face again, Aguilera reaches back and claws Jennifer's already tender right breast. Jennifer screams and rolls away.
Both fighters stood. They were covered in blood, sweat saliva, and who knows what else. Each fighter glared at each other for a moment, and then charged at each other. Both women sink their hands in the other's hair. It looked like a hockey fight. Both women bend at the waist with one hand in the other's hair while the other flails at her opponent. The crowd is standing. They are not cheering, but fascinated at this war. Jennifer's white sports bra is soaked red from blood. Christina's left eye is swollen shut and her nose and lip is bleeding from the vicious bull dog. Hair from savage hair pulls lie on the mat. Jennifer manages to wrestle Christina to the mat. Both women roll over and over. Jennifer manages to raise her left leg and place it on top of Christina's right thigh, allowing her to keep her position on top of the blonde. With her slight advantage, Jennifer punches Christina in the mouth and nose, drawing more blood. Because of her poor leverage, Jennifer’s punches looked a lot more hurtful than they actually were. Both combatants looked like UFC fighters, tangled on the mat flailing away, but not landing many punches. Christina finally claws Jennifer's thigh making her howl and roll away from her opponent.
Both ladies get to their feet. Exhaustion is setting in. Both fighters rush each other, strategy gives way to fury at this point. However their punches lack power due to fatigue and very poor form. Both women again are in a hockey scrum. Their fists are pounding each other's shoulders, and backs. Jennifer suddenly pulls Christina into her body. Christian instinctively lifts her head up as Jennifer's fist comes crashing down into Christina's nose. The audience sees a geyser of blood from Christina. Energized by this sight, Jennifer slams home punch after punch to a sagging Aguilera. In fact, she is throwing punches so fast that it felt just like a hockey fight. Christina slips free and staggers away.
Alyssa yells, "Go get her Jenn! Finish her!"
Christina is severely damaged. The cocky gleam in her good eye has vanished. Christina is trying to steady shaky legs when Jennifer taunts, "C'mon Xtina, show me some shit!"
Jennifer charges the fatigued younger woman. Jennifer gambles and executes a quick drop kick to Christina's chest. The tiny blonde is propelled into the ropes. Christina tries to grasp the top rope to keep from bouncing back toward her rejuvenated opponent. However poor Christina could not hold on to the top rope. Christina staggers and stumbles toward Jennifer. Christina's eyes open in horror as she approaches Jennifer. Christina sees Jennifer's fist loaded and cocked back an instant before it slams directly toward her gut. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!" Christina screams. Then she is silenced as saliva and blood expels from Christina’s mouth as Jennifer's fist slams into her gut. Christina is frozen flat footed, but bent over at the waist. Jennifer quickly seizes the moment. She grabs Christina by her cornrows and pulls her up into a standing position. Jennifer releases her hair, and draws her right fist back, then slams it directly into Aguilera's face. Christina lands on her back with such force that she bounces two times on the canvas.
Jennifer stands over Christina and repays her shouting, "Tits up bitch!" Jennifer raises her arms over her head as it becomes anticlimactic. Christina is out like a winter day in the North Pole. The referee counts to 10.
Jennifer Love Hewitt has won again. As exhausted Jennifer raises her arms with tears streaming down her face. Alyssa Milano runs into the ring and hugs the bloody fighter. "Hey, this is not Ghost Whisperer. You don't have to cry Jenn." Jennifer smiles and hugs her friend. Then they exit to the dressing room to the cheers of the crowd.
BACK TO THE CELEBRITIES
TO CHRISTINA AGUILERA 
TO JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT
FOLLOW YOHA TO PUBLIC DISGRACE!