JESSICA SIMPSON

Born: July 10th, 1980 Height: 5' 3" Weight: 110lbs Eyes: Brown Orientation: Bisexual Measurements: 36D-23-35 Years Catfighting: 7
Previous League: BZL (defunct), Video-1, Big Star-1 (Texas), Lonestar League (defunct)
Previous Belts: V1-TV Champ 1x, Big Star Champ 1x, Big Star State Champ (Intercontinental Champion) 2x’s, Lightweight Lonestar Lady Champ 1x
Finishing Moves: Texas Toast! (Breast smother submission), Cowgirl Gone Wild! (Face-sitting smother submission), Rio Grande BLAST! (Punches bitch in the Face, Stomach and then THE CROTCH!) SUPER Rio Grande BLAST! (same as normal but she immediately grabs opponent after the Crotch Punch, and I avoided calling it a Pussy Punch although that is what Jessica calls it, whatever!?!! But once she connects with that punch she then HITS A FULL-BODY TAKEDOWN-TACKLE!!!! SMASHING HER OPPONENT INTO THE GROUND!), JS-SOUTHERN SUPERKICK! (A standing SIDE-KICK DELIVERED WITH FULL FORCE RIGHT TO THE BITCHES TITS OR MOUTH!), JS-BIG-D DROP! (ULTRA-RISKY OF THE CAGE LEG-DROP! Or, TOP-ROPE JUMPING LEG-DROP TO THE BITCHES NECK! OR TITS!)
Strengths: Veteran experienced catfighter, still has a ton of untapped potential as a catfighter, great power and speed moves, lightning fast, Mistress of the Clothesline, ultra-aggressive, great lapdog, can at times show a keen sense of strategy and concentrate on specific body parts of her opponents/creating weaknesses that she can exploit, Mistress of the Dropkick to Knee, ruthless and mean-spirited, great at top-rope moves, some technical and submission moves, good at cutting a promo, can take an ass-whipping, Princess Complex, will toady to power if possible, follows orders when told, understands BDSM,
Weaknesses: Jessica is DUMB and that is a weakness so huge that it’s jaw-droppingly-DUH, extremely low psyche, breaking her momentum causes her to take abnormal damage and can stun her, takes abnormal damage from DDT’s, crotch, low-blows, vulnerable to smothers, tits, continuous hits to her tits stuns her and she takes abnormally high amounts of damage from it/can lead to Sudden KO/Submissions from Jessica, once her momentum is broken she has a hard time recovering and can actually be chained much easier as time wears on, does not win long matches, without a solid leader/mistress/master/manager she is predictable and oft-times unfocused making her easy to beat, panders to fans too much, limited ring awareness which declines as the match goes on, vulnerable to BDSM, does not recover when mentally broken, Jessica is plagued by pettiness, scatterbrained nature makes her easy to manipulate, although she is lightning quick she is poorly trained and has low self-awareness so she never uses her quickness the way she should, too mercurial and can oft-times be distracted by the strangest or dumbest things which cost her matches, although she has great power moves she herself is vulnerable to them and has a tendency to get overpowered like Jeri Ryan if she tries to slug it out, vulnerable to brawlers and takes abnormal damage from those types of moves,

Jessica Simpson is dumb, THERE! YOU READ IT! I SAID IT AND TYPED IT! With that being said, she has a ton of natural abilities that she shows flashes of recognition to use, while most of her time is spent either beating up on the dregs of the BZL, or getting her cute little CUNT KICKED! BY THE TOP-TIER BITCHES IN THE BATTLE ZONE! Jessica has been a patsy and flunky for most of her BZL career, culminating in her switching sides during the very pivotal Escape from Las Vegas battle between her former friends and teammates in Gen Prime! and Stone Rage’s, Fab-4. Simpson single-handedly cost Gen Prime! the opportunity to defeat the Fab-4 and promptly joined their cause only to be quickly cast aside so that the Fab-4 could continue to demolish the remaining Girl Gangs from the BZL, leading up to their impressive dismantling of the ABA, LIVE! And where was Jessica after becoming best buds with the Fab-4?

Nowhere, that’s where. What has she been doing since betraying her crappy teammates? Who knows and who cares, basically. Even she is saddened by the fact that perhaps the Fab-4 weren’t quite so chummy-chummy with her after all, since they’ve pretty much abandoned and avoided her since she saved their ungrateful asses in Sin City. Because of that, Jessica has had too much time to think about the fact that she has been nothing but a patsy, flunky, floozy and pawn! For Christina Aguilera! For Janet Jackson! For Roadside Assistance! For Wild Bill from GI JOE! FOR YOU, THE FANS READING THIS! SHE’S GOTTEN ZERO TITLE SHOTS! And been pretty proud of doing nothing except leg-breaker work for the bitches she ultimately betrayed. And now the bitches that she rolled over for, don’t want her! Don’t call, don’t write! Don’t e-mail and don’t invite her out to the cool trendy restaurant spots to soak up the Paparazzi ambience so that they can get their name splashed all over the tabloids! So then… for Jessica? The question has been “What the fuck did I DO THIS FOR!?!!”

It is a question that the proto-typical dumb blond has been totally unable to answer, or handle. And as you may or may not know, Jessica is like an unguided missile when she hasn’t the faintest clue on what the hell she’s supposed to be doing, AND!? She has no one to TELL HER, what she’s supposed to be doing. She has trained hard over the last few months and stayed out of the spotlight, hoping that the Fab-4 would remember how she threw away everything and “turned over a so-called new leaf”. However, the painful reality that she is actually more disposable to the Fab-4, than she was to Gen Prime! has really grated on her nerves. Reluctantly she has had to agree that she never went anywhere with Gen Prime! but still at least she had something to do and had some wins under her belt and bitches she could at least count on to show her a good time and help’er knock some heads! But her “Turn to the Good side” has been a total piece of shit, walk! And although Legally Blond, she’s not THAT, DUMB! Recently, the ABA under Demi Moore has been wiping the floor with the Fab-4, even going so far as to drive off Stone Rage himself. Jessica has only now, months after the fact, finally gotten any word from her “friends” in the Fab-4. What role she will play in the Countdown to Armageddon remains to be seen…










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