THE ROAD TO
Uncivil War
VS 
JENNY McCARTHY VS JERI RYAN
It was a wonderful time. It was back during the early days of ESPN in the 1980's. Bill Griffith's Roller Games was on the air. After several bust and boom cycles during the 1970's the Roller Derby found a home. The flagship team, the Los Angeles Thunderbirds, (T-Birds) blazed the roller rinks on cable TV in a theatric and flamboyant brand of sports entertainment. The late great Ralphie Valladares lead the T-Birds around the track grinding out one last second victory after another. The stars of the league burned into their fan's memories. Do you remember Darlene Langlois, Skinny Mini Gwen Miller, Latin Spitfire Patsy Delgsdo, Sweet Stefanie Garcia, the brothers, "Mr. Mean" Harold Jackson and "Monster Man" Bernie Jackson, Ray Roblis and Randy Whitman? There was the dominant personality of the heel manager "Mizz" Georgia Hase and the more comical "Little" Richard Brown.
The sport grew, given the rise of Glow wrestling and the American Gladiators. Next the sport became a weekly syndication TV show RollerGames. It spawned a magazine, an arcade game and a Nintendo video game. Griffiths added a steeply banked figure-eight track, an alligator pit and rock star performances from Lita Ford, Expose and Warrent. It only broadcast for one season (1989–1990) before its distributor, Quintex Media, went bankrupt. The bankruptcy was not related to the popularity of RollerGames. Ratings for the series were actually quite high, even beating the popular American Gladiators.
Now Roller Games is all but gone. Bill Griffiths Jr owns the rights to the league consisting of one team, The Los Angeles Thunderbirds. They compete in rare, exhibitions. However this happens to be one of those rare occasions.
In conjunction with promoting RAGE! and the brand new tv show Stone Rage CATFIGHTS! Stone Rage has co promoted with Griffinths Jr to bring the Roller Derby back for one night. Tonight the world famous Los Angeles T-Birds will face the Chicago Hawks. The game takes place in Chicago. For the Stone Rage flare there will be an All Star celebrity match race between Jeri Ryan representing the LA T-Birds and Jenny McCarthy racing for the Chicago Hawks.
Just like the long history of the roller derby, Jenny and Jeri also have histories. Their paths first crossed in the ABA. Both were members until Jeri decided to leave the group high and dry in Las Vegas. Jenny and Jeri tried to settle their differences, but it ended in Catherine Bell butting into their business and ends up taking Jenny down. Finally the stage is set to allow Jeri and Jenny to settle things in this match race after the roller derby match.
One more tidbit playing in this match race is that both ladies have ties to the city of Chicago. Jenny is a native of the city. She was born and raised in Chicago and proudly claims the city as her home town. Jeri was born in Germany, and was an army brat growing up on military posts in several states across the USA. She went to college at Northwestern University, just a few miles outside of Chicago. Jeri went on to become Ms Illinois, and eventually married future Illinois senator, Jack Ryan. The couple spent time commuting from her home in Los Angeles due to her acting career, and his in Chicago. Since both ladies have ties to Chicago, it will be up to the fans to determine who their favorite child is.
On the track, the T-Birds pulled out a one point victory over the Chicago Hawks. The roller derby match was fun, as always, but now it's time for the match race. Jeri skates onto the track first. She wears a tight, updated version of the familiar Los Angeles T-Birds green, white, and yellow uniform. Jeri's top is white, with green pants that are highlighted with yellow. Jeri's jersey number is # 5. The fans start booing Jeri, showing their loyalty to the native Chicagoan.
Jenny soon follows wearing the black Chicago Hawk uniform. The Hawks may be the villain team of the league, but Jenny seems to be loved by the Chicago crowd. Jenny's outfit is just as tight as Jeri's, totally black with red stripes down her legs and white lettering and the number #72 outlined in red.
The announcer informs the audience that the race will be ten laps around the track. The first to cross the finish line wins of course. Pretty much anything goes to prevent your opponent from crossing the finish line.
Both blondes line up behind a black line on the track. They exchange several evil glares and sneers as they await the start of the race. The roller derby's referee stood at their side, just off the track at the start/finish line. He has one hand raised. Then he blows a whistle and drops his hand to start the race.
Both blondes scurry away at the whistle. There are several elbows and pushing at the start of the race, but by enlarge it starts as an aggressive speed racing contest. After the first lap, Jeri takes a small lead. Both girls are speeding around the track as fast as they can.
Lap two is much like the first. Jenny catches up with Jeri for a while, but a few sharp elbows keeps Jenny at bay. Jenny falls back and Jeri opens her lead again. Jeri is proving to be the faster skater between the two.
Once Jeri realized this, she definitely wanted to turn this into a speed racing contest. Jeri took off skating as fast as she could, trying simply to out run her opponent. Jeri races around the track as fast as she could for lap three. Jenny accepts not being able to out skate Jeri and assumes a nice steady pace behind her. Near the end of the third lap, Jeri feels a burning in both of her calf muscles.
Halfway through the fourth time around Jeri is definitely feeling the burn in her legs. She has little choice but to slow down some. Jenny starts catching up quickly. Her strategy of letting Jeri burn herself out seems to have worked. Jenny draws closer as Jeri continues slowing down. Jenny moves up beside her tiring foe near the end of the fourth lap.
Realizing that the battle is on now, the blondes slam into each other violently. Jeri fires a few low blows into Jenny's side then blasts her in the chest with an elbow. Jenny loads up for a big shoulder block but Jeri slows down at the last moment as Jenny launches herself. Jenny goes flying past Jeri and crashes into the rail. Jeri laughs having out maneuvered Jenny and states on slowly. She holds up for another shot at Jenny. Jeri does not have to wait long before Jenny comes charging at her and shoulder blocks Jeri into the rail.
Jeri bounces off the rail and comes racing back toward Jenny. She catches up to her rival, and lifts her knee into Jenny's stomach as she skated beside Jenny. Next Jeri grabs a hold of Jenny's black jersey and plants numerous punches to Jenny's gut. Then Jeri lifts her knee and nails Jenny in the chest as she doubled over, trying to protect her gut. Finally Jeri whips around in front of a reeling Jenny, and nails her in the jaw with a forearm smash. Jenny goes down to the track hard.
During their exchange, the ladies completed the fifth lap. Both are visibly breathing hard and are tired. Jenny scrambles to her feet and quickly catches up with Jeri. Jenny takes a hold of Jeri's T-Bird jersy and whips in front of her and nails Jeri in the face with her elbow. Jeri reels up the banked track to the rail. Next Jenny launches punch after punch into Jeri's stomach. She keeps punching until Jeri goes down on her ass, with her skates pointing up in the air.
Jenny tiresomely continues around the track and finishes the sixth lap. Soon enough Jeri scrambles to her feet and comes charging behind Jenny. Jeri grabs a handful of Jenny's blonde hair and seizes a handful of Jenny's black jersey. Jeri drags Jenny off the track into the bench area in the middle of the track. Jeri forcefully ushers Jenny into the area then launches Jenny into a water table. Jenny crashes into the table knocking it over and making a mess of the infield area.
The referee is screaming at the blondes to get back on the track. Jeri laughs as she skates back to the area that she just snatched Jenny off the track. Jenny slowly follows, feeling the pain of being thrown into the table. Jenny returns to the track and starts skating again. Once she gets to Jeri, Jenny kicks Jeri, driving her leg into Jeri's midsection. It is called a kick block in roller derby circles. Jeri called it painful, and she goes down. Jenny backs away several feet and waits for Jeri to get back to her feet. Then Jenny skates toward Jeri again and takes her down by jumping into air and launches herself into Jeri in a roller derby side block. Both blondes go down, but Jeri's trip was a lot harder and worst than Jenny's.
Jenny stands and slowly skates away. She is bent over and breathing hard. Jeri rises and skates after her adversary. Jeri is looking as worst from wear as Jenny. When Jeri catches Jenny, They have finished the seventh revolution around the track. Jenny returns the earlier favor to Jenny by striking with a leg block to Jenny's gut. Jenny grunts loudly then again as Jeri's leg plows into her stomach again. Next Jenny reels backward as Jeri slams her forearm into Jenny's face. "Stupid bitch!" Jeri yells "Fuck you and the ABA!" Jeri the launches her leg up and blasts Jenny in her chest.
Jenny and Jeri face each other and both have a grip on each other's jersey like two hockey players about to fight. Jeri starts throwing punches into Jenny's belly, but then Jenny retaliates with her own gut blasters. Jenny's punches are a lot harder than Jeri's and they do not stop. "No you deserting bitch, the ABA fucks you!" Jenny growls. Jeri sinks to the track, while Jenny keeps one fist on her jersey, and nearly pulling it off over her head. Jeri ends up falling into infield area off the track.
Jenny gets back on the track looking like she is about to fall over from fatigue. The announcer's voice booms over the loud speaker, "One lap! One lap to go!" Jenny starts slowly skating away. Jenny gets a quarter of the way around the track before Jeri comes racing up behind her. Jeri attacks with a knee blast into Jenny's side. Jeri swoops in front of her foe and locks up with her like hockey fighters again. Just as before, Jeri gets Jenny wheezing from fists to her gut, then an upper cut to Jenny's jaw. The fierce punching sends both of them up against the rail.
Suddenly just as before, Jenny comes roaring back like a mean ole grizzly bear. Jenny fires vicious fists into Jeri's gut, that lift Jeri off her feet. The fans are yelling and screaming at the action. Jenny is ripping punches up into Jeri's gut making her hop up from each one's impact. Then Jenny goes upstairs with a punch to take Jeri's head off. Only Jeri slips the punch allowing Jenny to tumble off balance against the rail. When Jenny recovers, Jeri leaps up and nails Jenny with a knee into her chest. Jenny realizes that she had stepped into one of Jeri's traps.
Luckily for Jenny, when Jeri leaped for her knee block, she ends up slipping on her skates and fell to the track. That gives Jenny a little time to recover after the big blast. When Jeri gets back to her feet, Jenny strikes with a dropkick, looking to batter her opponent with her skates. Only Jeri had the same idea. She tries to drop kick Jenny as Jenny is trying to drop kick her. Both blonde's feet meet empty air, and both of them fall awkwardly on the track.
Both beleaguered beauties struggle to her feet. Jenny is the aggressor, pressing the action. Jenny gets one hand on Jeri's jersey and hammers her with the other fist. Jeri tries to return as good as she is getting, but Jenny appears the stronger of the two. Jenny and Jeri face each other trading punches. The whole while that they hammer each other, they are slowly rolling around the track.
A few very hard punches to Jeri's gut makes her break away from Jenny and roll backwards, obviously hurt by the exchange. Jenny skates forward and rams the crown of her head into Jeri's chest. Both blondes go down into a heap. Both are exhausted and hurt. Jeri tries to scoot and crawl away, but Jenny grabs her ankle and pulls her back. Jenny drives a few punches into Jeri's gut. Jenny then stands, but Jeri grabs Jenny's waist as she rises and uses her foe to help get to her feet as well.
Jeri is exhausted but committed to Jenny's destruction. Jeri raises her knee and smashes Jenny in the tit. As Jenny howls, Jeri gets in front of her and starts firing fist into Jenny's face. Jeri has Jenny's head bobbing on her shoulders. When it looks like Jenny is glassy eyed, Jenny ducks under one of Jeri's punches. Next Jenny bobs and weaves, then she stands straight up and nails Jeri on the chin with a quick right, left, right combo. All three crosses explode on Jeri's chin like bombs. Jeri falls over like a tree, down on the track. Jenny takes three good steps then dives across the finish line to win the race.
Fans cheer the hometown girl for winning the race and defending the city's honor. Jenny is totally exhausted. She lies on her back gasping for air. The referee comes over and raises her arm in victory, but it just falls down after he lets go. The coach of the Chicago Hawks comes over to check on Jenny. He congratulates her, and realizes that Jenny is not hurt, just seriously gassed.
Finally Jenny finds the strength to stand and accept the cheers from her fans. The blonde raises an arm to thank the fans, then delivers several fist bumps to the well wishers on the track surrounding her.
Suddenly Jenny gasps as she sees Jeri skating toward her through the commotion. Before Jenny can move Jeri launches herself and drop kicks Jenny in the tits with her skates. Jenny is propelled backwards, and goes tumbling over the railing off the banked track to the arena floor. Jenny falls several feet over the rail since the track raised high above the concrete arena floor.
Next Jeri slips under the railing and balanced herself on the very edge of the track. It is no easy task on roller skates, but Jeri accomplishes it. Then Jeri leaps off the banked track and lands on top of Jenny with a big body splash. Jenny howls and her legs jackknife up. Jeri mounts Jenny, taking a seat on her chest. Jeri proceeds to lambast Jenny with a double fisted assault to her rival's face. Jeri continues her demolition of Jenny until the referees and officials come over pull Jeri off of Jenny.
Jeri breaks out of the gentlemen's grasps and raises her hands, proclaiming victory on some level, to a rousing round of boo's from the Chicago audience. "Jenny may have won the race, but I won the war!" Jeri's shouts to her detractors.
Jeri even gets back on the track and takes a victory lap, as Jenny still lies battered and beaten outside the track on the arena floor. The officials surround Jenny and try to get her well enough to get her backstage. After her victory lap, Jeri stops in the infield and grabs the announcer's microphone.
To everyone's surprise, Jada Pinkett Smith comes walking out from the dressing room. She is followed by Cameron Diaz, Ashlee Simpson and Christina Milian. Fans of Stone Rage's Battle Zone catfight league instantly 'oohh', 'aahh' and/or groan. They recognize these celebrities as prominent members of the new upstart Resistance group, that has set the league on its ear. They have declared war on both Jenny's ABA and the Fab Four, and have been waging a successful campaign against both.
Jeri drapes an arm around Jada and Camerons's shoulders. Then she announces, "That's right Jenny and Chicago. You are looking at the newest member of the Resistance, me, Jeri Ryan! Guess what Jenny, get used to pain cause we are going to make your existence in the Battle Zone a living Hell! I'm going to see you again real soon, you stupid ass bitch!"
BACK TO THE CELEBRITIES
TO JENNY McCARTHY 
TO JERI RYAN
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