BONUS STORY
GWEN STEFANI vs JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

VS

Jennifer Love Hewitt was pissed. She hastily agreed to a match with Gwen Stefani, thinking that Gwen would be a walkover. Jenn thought that way until she saw tapes of some of Gwen's matches. Tall, quick, and muscular best describe Gwen Stefani. Only a solid music career kept Gwen from establishing herself as a top catfighter.

Jennifer knew she would have to be most careful with Ms.Stefani. She heard the description of the announcer from Gwen's last match, "Gwen is quick, tall, and athletic, with a rock hard body from the strenuous concert tours..." echo in her mind. Jennifer had to be very careful indeed.

Jennifer may have been too quick to accept this match. The carrot of a match with Christina Aguilera A.K.A. (The Dirty One) was dangling in front of her, if she won. It was too enticing an offer. Jennifer was so eager to get a hold of Christina that she actually gave 70% of the purse, win or lose to Stefani.

"Oh well," thought Jennifer, "Let's work hard and kick ass. Win this. Then I'll teach that snooty, low class tramp, Christina to mind her manners."

Gwen Stefani did not share the love of catfighting like Jennifer. For Gwen, this was a payday. Yes, she agreed that she had the body, strength and athleticism to be a catfight champion, but the desire was not there.

Saturday night we would find out. Would the 9 win streak for JLH continue, or would fatigue catch up with her against the athletic, strong Gwen? The odds makers booked the fight at 8 to 5 favorite Hewitt. Over and under time limit 4 minutes.

Both fighters entered the sparsely packed fight arena at the same time. Jennifer was disappointed at the small crowd. "Great," she thought, "even less money." The recession, along with the air of expectation that this was an easy win for JLH, perhaps that was why the crowd was down. Gwen Stefani was 39 years old, 5 ft 6 inches tall weighed about 115. JLH was 5 ft 2 inches, weighed 100 pounds, and was 29 years old, soon to be 30.

Each opponent sized the other up across the ring. Stefani knew JLH was a vicious inside fighter. Just ask Teri Hatcher. JLH looked at those lethal legs of her opponent and the muscular abs, and swore under her breath. "This is no damn walk over". Both women wore a black halter top, with black bike pants, and black leather knee high wrestling boots. One added aspect of this match was it is a Knockout match. Pinfalls do not count, you must knockout your opponent for a 10 count to win.

The bell rang. Both fighters are staring at each other then circle one another. Jennifer had been the aggressor in all matches during her win streak. No exception here. Jennifer bore straight toward Gwen, with her hands reaching for Stefani's blonde locks. Gwen wasn't your typical dumb blonde; she also watched films of her opponent and expected this move. With elegant and grace, Gwen ducked her head to the right causing Jennifer to miss badly. Both fighters pivoted right to face each other, JLH stayed aggressive reaching with both hands for Gwen's hands. Jennifer had success with this move. Now she wanted to lift Gwen's hands over her head and gain the initial advantage. JLH was a bit concerned that Gwen offered little resistance as Gwen's hands were being stretched over head.

Suddenly, Jennifer screamed in pain as in a blur the leather clad left foot of Gwen Stefani kicked forward slamming her boot into JLH's unprotected kitty.

Jenn screams, "HOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL", as she bent forward hurting, and her body suddenly becoming numb. The fans edged forward on their seats just 15 seconds into the fight. Gwen Stefani had control of the fight, and possibly could end the fight quickly, while Jennifer was bent at the waist holding her numb kitty.

An experienced catfighter like Alyssa Milano, Lucy Liu, or even Teri Hatcher would have ended the fight quickly. JLH was hurt, in shock, and defenseless for a few seconds. The crowd stood stunned silent, looking at the pain in Jennifer's big brown eyes, and expecting Gwen Stefani to put Jennifer away.

Jennifer was in a state of paralyzed panic. All her hard work, 9 straight wins were about to be out the door. But Gwen Stefani lacked the catfighting experience to quickly finish an opponent. Gwen thought Jennifer was trying to trick her and did not press the attack, even thought the audience urged her to finish Jennifer. Instead of a finishing move, Gwen circled much to Jennifer's relief. On wobbly legs Jennifer stayed back. Circling away from the taller opponent. The audience groaned, but the crisis passed for Jenn.

Jennifer charged in again, only to find a right booted kick to her right ribs, Jen grimaced and retreated. Again the audience buzzed. Hewitt was concerned that she could not get in close to Stefani. She thought Gwen's long legs would stomp her into submission. Gwen was coming to this realization as well and at this time after 39 seconds, Jenn was not close to getting close. Confident, Gwen mocked the tiny favorite. "C'mon and fight Jennifer. Bring it!" as Gwen motioned with her hands.

Jennifer smiled her angelic smile and complied; moving toward Gwen, reaching her hands out for Gwen's hands. Again, Gwen's inexperience stood out. As Jenn came in close, Gwen lifted her leg for a kick toward the abused kitty of Ms. Hewiit. Only this time Jenn caught the leg with both hands and in the same motion twisted to the right. Finally, it was Gwen's turn to scream at the 1:00 mark of the match.

Jennifer then pulled Gwen's ankle forward, causing the skinny blonde to lose her balance and fall awkwardly on her buttocks. Hewitt let go of the ankle and reared her left hand back and successfully slapped the face of the blonde singer. Gwen moaned as her face was turned left from the harsh slap. Jenn got on her knees grabbed a handful of blonde hair and sunk her left hand into Gwen's left breast. A shriek emerged from Ms. Stefani's lips as Jennifer ground her hand deep inside the breast of the anguished blonde. It seemed at the 1:15 mark that Jennifer has the upper hand. Gwen blindly reached her right hand out toward the tiny dynamic brunette. Gwen's right hand found a larger 34C breast and Gwen squeezed her hand hard on Jennifer's melon. Both women shrieked but they continued to assault each other's breast. Sweat was popping out on both fighters as we near the 1:30 mark.

Jennifer had enough of this mess. Rearing back her left hand, Jenn struck Stefani 3 times on the left cheek. The SLAP!! reverberated throughout the arena. Gwen's head hung low now, with saliva rolling down her chin. The pressure on Jennifer's breast eased significantly. Jenn released her hold on Gwen's breast and hauled the larger woman to her feet. Holding the blonde's hair with her left hand, Jenn grabbed Gwen's left bicep and hurled her into the left turnbuckle. Gwen got her arms up in the last instant to protect her face, but no the less she hit the turnbuckle hard and sunk to the mat. The fight was nearing the 2:00 minute mark.

Jenn rushed toward the fallen singer, perhaps a bit to hastily, because as Jenn approached Gwen delivered a vicious mule kick with her left foot to Hewitt's stomach. Jenn doubled over, with her hair over her head and moaning, while holding her gut. The crowd murmured at Hewitt's uncharacteristic mistake. Gwen scrambled to her feet. As Jenn straightened up, Gwen delivered a quick left hook snap kick toward Hewitt's right thigh, catching the brunette literally flat footed. Gwen gambles at the 1:45 minute mark. Going in close to the always dangerous Hewitt, Gwen delivered a strong left right combination to Hewitt's belly. Hewitt's knees buckled. The crowd gasped in shock. Gwen kept the assault up at the 2:15 mark, lifting Hewitt in a bearhug off the mat, then slamming the tiny brunette back down hard to the mat. Next, Gwen straddled her tiny opponent and grabbing Hewitt's hair slammed the brunette's head 3 ties into the canvas. Once again luck prevailed for Hewitt. Had this been a pin fall match, very possibly Stefani would only need to keep her positon for a 3 count to be administered. This was a KO match. Gwen had to get up as the referee started to count Hewitt out.

As the match approached 3:00 minutes Gwen got off the battered brunette, and went to a neutral corner, raising both arms in victory. Hewitt was indeed in trouble. Jenn was dizzy, tired, sore, confused, and flustered. Summoning all her strength, she managed to stand on very shaky feet at the 8 count. The ref provided a precious few seconds examining her, before allowing the fight to continue. Stefani attacked. The crowd stood. At 3:15, perhaps they were witnessing one of the great upsets in catfight history.

The crowd buzzed as Gwen charged toward the shaken, battered brunette. Once again the lack or experience was hurting Gwen. The blonde singer forgot about her effective kicks and was flailing her hands windmill style toward the battered brunette. Jenn simply stepped inside Gwen and tied her up. Sucking air every second was precious as Hewitt began to clear her head. Somehow, Jenn pushed Stefani back toward the side ropes and held on, as Gwen attempted to flail away to no avail. Four minutes elapsed, as Gwen finally pushed a rejunevated Hewitt away.

Christiana Aguilera was feeling fantastic. She was watching a serious rival get her ass totally kicked. At worst, Hewitt would be seriously battered before their match.

Both fighters were floating away at the 5 minute mark. Hewitt could not penetrate Stefani's defense, but Gwen's awkward and often clumsily attacks were fended off by Hewitt.

Finally Hewitt decided to go inside risking a KO from Stefani's lethal legs. Six minutes had been completed. If Jenn stayed away, eventually Stefani would finish her. Taking a deep breath Hewitt waded in toward Stefani, who pushed her back a step. "Here it comes" thought the audience and Hewitt. Gwen raised her long lean muscular leg, she was telegraphing her intent to slam her right leg into the vulnerable left temple of Hewitt. If this worked the fight was over. Gwen reared her long muscular leg back, and quick as a cobra, swung the leg in a blur toward Jennifer's head. However, this was Jennifer's one shot gamble. Jenn felt that if Stefani had room after repulsing Jenn's attack, the leg kick to the head would be Stefani's attempt at a coup de grace.

6 minutes and 30 seconds into the fight. Stefani brought her leg forward, hoping to hit Hewitt's temple, and secure one of the biggest catfight upsets of all time, but Jennifer countered.

It was a brilliant counter move, Jennifer dropped to one knee as Stefani's leg whooshed past her head barely missing. As the leg was swinging toward Jennifer's head, Jenn was on her right knee, her right fist doubled and aimed directly at the unprotected kitty of Gwen. While Gwen missed, Jennifer did not. The fight arena reverberated with the sound of a leather cobra glove slamming into an unprotected pelvis. Gwen howled like a sound no other human has ever heard. Holding her kitty Gwen fell to the mat curled in a fetal position convulsing.

Jennifer took deep breaths, now on both knees. She rolled Stefani onto her back. Doubled her fist and slammed her kitty again. Gwen scream was suddenly choked off as she passed out. Jennifer got up on shaky feet, and walked to a neutral corner, as Stefani was counted out. The fight lasted 6 minutes and 56 seconds.

Sometimes you get lucky. Jenn was outfought, but found a way to win. The Dirty One is now finally in her sights.


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