Salma Hayek vs Penelope Cruz
vs
The Path to Victory
They had been drinking and talking shit for nearly three hours! The longer their conversation went on the more disruptive these two boisterous bitches became. Because of who they were it wasn’t really a problem and most importantly, this had become their favorite watering hole and the establishment was just happy to have two starlets like them even in his broken down bar. Oh the place had that rustic feel to it, whatever the hell that means. Complete with the old saloon style bar, dusty ass steps and banister, really old southwest style shit goin on here. The crowd was mostly Latin, Mexican mainly and they never made any moves to suck up to either of the brawling beauties, but they did admire the shit that these two often got into and after three hours of getting piss-drunk, something was bound to happen now.
Salma had retreated to this piece of shit place to get her mind right. As she laughed out loud, she had started coming here after trying to get her bearings in the catfight court. Sure she had been War Queen for a bit, but nobody really seemed to give a shit. As she downed another cold one she couldn’t help but look at the fact that she had all of it. She’s sexy, sassy and smart! What the FUCK! I’ve got the best rack in the business! I’m not afraid to get dirty and people-SHOULD-LIKE-ME-DAMN-IT! She laughed at another of Penelope’s jokes about how crappy a lay Tom Cruise was and the fact that he kept calling her his Lovely Latina?
“I’m FROM MADRID YOU FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!!!!” Salma busted out laughing as Penelope kept yelling “I’m FUCKIN' EUROPEAN, YOU IDIOT!!!! IBERIAN” Penelope waved her arms around to show how fuckin' frustrated she was with his dumb ass “WHATEVER! BUT, MADRE DIOS!!!!”
Salma BUSTED OUT LAUGHING AGAIN AND POINTED AT HER as she told Penelope “MADRE DIOS!!!! HA-HA!!!!”
“SEE! DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING!!!! NOW I’M M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN!!!! THAT WAS A PLOT TWIST!!!! HUH, HUH, NEVER EXPECTED MADRE DIOS!!!!”
Salma slammed her hand on the table as she spilled some of her beer as she watched Penelope making some of the funniest fucking faces to mock how hard M. Night tries to look serious on camera “YOU ARE CRAZY!!!!”
“MY GOD THAT GUY AND UNIVERSITY OF PENN! JESUS, DO THEY PAY FOR HIS FUCKIN MOVIES OR WHAT!?!?” then Salma asked her out of the blue “Have you ever been to Philadelphia?”
“Uhh, why?”
“Exactly! Dirtiest fuckin city I’ve ever seen! Great people, but lord it makes Mexico City look like you could eat off the pavement!”
“Cause its fuckin OLD!” Penelope laughed.
But then Salma got quiet… and she whispered “Why the hell are we talking about Philadelphia?”
Penelope leaned forward and told her quietly “Because we’re drunk.”
They busted into laughter until Salma suddenly turned serious “Our movie fuckin flopped.” She lowered her giant fuckin glass gently on the table as she had Penelope’s undivided attention “I bet if fuckin' shithead Quentin Tarantino had’ve done the fuckin' movie then people would’ve seen that shit.”
Penelope sighed. She had no choice but to agree “Kill Bill was the crappiest mov-iesssss I’ve ever seen before in my life. I’ve seen Shaw Brothers, that shit wasn’t Shaw Brothers.” And yes, Penelope Cruz actually watches Shaw Brothers movies! YEAH RIGHT!!!! HA-HA-HAH, it’s just part of the plot twist, see I’m ACTUALLY M.NIGHT SHYAMALAN!!!! And I’m showing you the Creative Process… I CREATED IT, HA-HA!!!! Okay, I’m gonna stop now… back to the story.
Salma sighed “We were all sexy and stuff in our movie!”
“We even wore corsets” Penelope moaned and then downed the rest of her beer effortlessly! She did admire these saloon style mugs, big as hell! MADRE DIOS! Then she started laughing to herself as she felt how heavy the fuckin thing really was!
“What?” Salma asked.
Penelope replied “Just looking at how this mug looks like the little picture on those things of root beer… I think its called”
Salma deadpanned “MUG ROOT BEER, you are so fuckin drunk it’s ruidiculous!”
“What the fuck is ruidickulous!” Penelope started laughing at Salma! And that is when the barkeep glanced around and realized that these two hadn’t gotten into a brawl with anyone this time. He quietly started to put away his finer wares because he didn’t know what would happen tonight, but he knew what he wanted to keep intact. Sure, they always paid for whatever they busted up, but some of his shit was hard as hell to have made and he wasn’t in the mood of running all up and down California and Baja into Mexico to replace shit cause these two bitches wanna brawl in his bar.
“Seriously though” Salma tried to regain control of the conversation “Seriously” Penelope settled down and Salma started up “I heard that some of those Kill Bill bitches have gone off to Las Vegas”
“So” Penelope shrugged and pouted “Who cares, they’re just as much losers as” Salma glared at her and Penelope’s eyes held such a wounded look and then she said “KATIE HOLMES!!!!” They busted out laughing AGAIN “I betchu when Kidman looked under the bowl in whatever the fuck that movie was that she did with Tommie boy, she saw how small that dick of his was and that’s why she laughed!” Salma slapped the table as Penelope told her “Not enough SCIENCETOLOGY IN THE WORLD TO MAKE THAT THING RISE!!!!”
They laughed for a bit more until Penelope finally asked “I know you didn’t mention those Kill Bill bitches for no reason?”
Salma was busy shaking her glass out upside down, empty, she kept thinking, it’s fuckin empty, then she heard Penelope and she looked up at her… shook her glass some fuckin more… and then said “I heard that there is this mystery manager that’s looking to make it big in the cat fight forums.”
“Oh really” Penelope sobered up and asked her “So?”
“So” Salma finally put the fuckin glass down “So… I was thinking of going out and introducing myself… and I wanted to no if you wanna cum' with me.”
Penelope though about it… and thought some more… and then thought some more… is that a ceiling fan? Pretty ceiling fan… it looks really Mexican… how the fuck does a ceiling fan look really Mexican? Spinnie, spinnie, spinnie, spinnie ohh god… spinnie no good right now…
“PENELOPE!”
“WHAT!?!?”
“Du you wanna goh or NOT!?!?”
“We can go… BUT AFTER WE FIGHT!!!!” she threw her beer in Salma’s FACE! HA! TAKE THAT!!!!
Salma looked at her… “Your fuckin' GLASS IS EMPTEE DOUCHE BAG!!!!” Salma laughed as Penelope kinda sorta realized that her little surprise attack had failed.
Penelope, knowing what was coming next, lived in the moment as she told Salma “That was a move, that will LIV IN INFAMY!!!!”
Salma socked Penelope right in her jaw and the glass went flying as Penelope went end over end out of her wooden chair!
Here we go, the barkeep sighed. Meanwhile the people were waiting for this! No one took pictures. They knew doing that shit would simply drive these two battling beauties to some other obscure shit hole. They simply watched and enjoyed as well as tried not to get caught up in the fights. Tonight’s fight was something they hadn’t seen! They were actually fighting each other! As Salma tossed aside the wooden table Penelope was getting back on her feet! They jeered as Salma punched the shit out of Penelope again, sending the Maiden of Madrid stumbling sideways! They cheered as Penelope came right back with a wicked right that sent Salma stumbling back!
“U want some of this CHICA!” Penelope yelled as she swung again and sent Salma flailing backwards! They fit the old West setting in their worn and dusty looking jeans. Penelope wasted no time running up on Salma and eating Salma’s fist right in her fucking mouth! As soon as she staggered back Salma gut punched her hard enough to shake her whole body! But then as Salma went for the trifecta Penelope blocked her arm which shocked the shit out of Salma “OHHH!!!!”
“I bet you say that all the TIME!” Penelope punched her sideways and then threw another punch that whiffed! Salma retreated back a bit as the people yelled and screamed for more! Bitch is pretty good fighting DRUNK! She barely blocked Penelope’s left and then she went with a personal favorite, the BITCH SLAP!
“OHH NO!” but Penelope was right there to block HER! Then she just barreled into SALMA “I AIN’T YOUR BITCH, BITCH!!!!”
Table 4 got two actresses and a side order of flailing to go with their getting the hell out of there! Salma and Penelope wrestled and Penelope finally got her hands free enough to grab Salma’s hair as they were ripping each others blouses “I GOT YOU!!!!” Penelope started trying to bang the back of Salma’s head on the table, but Salma kept “STOP RESISTING!!!! ITS LIKE A ROUTINE TRAFFIC STOP 4 YOU!!!!”
“LET GO OF MY HAIR YOU LITTLE GIRL!!!!” Salma screamed! Finally she got her foot up underneath Penelope enough to push the bitch back! Penelope was sent screaming into table 12 and up and over it! Salma chased after her only to see Penelope pop back up and grab one of the chairs “OH CRAP!!!!”
“THIS IS 4 U!!!!” Penelope smashed the chair over Salma’s back as Salma tried to turn away!
As soon as Salma reeled Penelope was right there to throw a left from somewhere near the floor, but Salma stumble-bummed out of the way! Penelope spun around like a fucking idiot from missing such a wild ass haymaker right into Salma’s fist! The punch caused Penelope to cry out and she looked like she was gonna go down and then she staggered back up and away from Salma while she was screaming about ceiling fans?!?! Salma grabbed her and spun her towards her and punched the crap out of Penelope and sent her reeling into table 3 and the guys there were more than HAPPY about the intrusion! Penelope, desperate, grabbed some of the bottles and just started winging them at Salma “YOU FORGOT THESE!!!!”
“LOOK OUT!” “WHOA MAMACITA!!!!” “HOLY SHIT!!!!” people were sent scurrying as Penelope threw wild pitches of bottles, cans, jugs, those little umbrellas for drinks! Ran to another table, tossed pitchers, mugs, glasses, a waitress!!!!
Salma dodged Carmen and then looked at Penelope “WAS THAT NECESSARY! You know she’s got no medical!”
Penelope stopped “Well, she saw I was throwing anything I could get my hands on! She shoulda stayed clear! Besides, that was a lucky shot! My heads not ringing anymore so, she served her purpose!” Penelope immediately came at Salma and threw another punch and Salma tried to get out of the way, but Penelope still found her mark! Then Penelope punched her in the gut and then rocked her with a right and then reeled from Salma’s right! She staggered back as Salma shook her with two body shots that made her cry out and then she came back with a whiff, MISS! SHIT!!!! Salma then went to throw a punch and then Penelope crashed into her AGAIN
“I’M TIRED OF U DOIN THAT!!!!” Salma screamed as Penelope picked her up and just started driving her back and back until they crashed through a table and fell out!!!!
They laid there panting and whining. Then finally Penelope got up slowly as Salma was still trying to clear the cobwebs “In a fight… like this…” Penelope moaned “It’s all about… whose still standing…” She headed out thinking about what Salma said, guess I’ll buy tickets to Vegas… and go see this asshole…
“Hold it… I’m not… finished yet…”
Penelope stopped and turned around slowly as Salma was still trying to pry herself up out of the split remnants of table 8. Penelope smiled “Good… I wasn’t done either… but you can barely stand Sal…” Sure enough Salma was struggling like hell to get to her feet and Penelope didn’t waste any time. She walked up on her fast and grabbed the Mexican bitch by her mane and pulled her free so she could sock the shit out of the sloppy dumb cunt, but Salma blocked her “WHAT!?!?”
Salma then punched her in her gut with a quick left jab that stunned Penelope and then with as hard a gut punch as she could muster! Penelope let out a harsh groan like she was losing her lunch, BITCH!!!! Salma then socked her in her wide open mouth! Staggering the Spanish slut! Then she unloaded a left and a right that sent Penelope’s head snapping whichever way Salma socked her! With each hit Penelope whined as she felt the numbing sensations sweeping through her body with each backwards step she was forced to fuckin take, SHIT!!!! Salma then threw her hardest haymaker as she saw Penelope’s arms locked up and slightly outstretched from her body! She knew the bitch was FINALLY reaching her limits and she knew that a good shot with some strength behind would lay her the fuck out!
She listened with a perverse pleasure as her haymaker sent Penelope spinning sideways and bitch-barking as she collided with table 2 and then crashed through it with an even bitter bitch-bark! Salma staggered over as she heard Penelope’s whining and saw her beige cowgirl boots banging against the wooden floor “Bitch… it’s not over… it’s” Penelope tried to get up, untangle herself from all of the shit that had collapsed off the table onto her “It’s not over…” then she flopped for a second and then fell silent as she muttered “Not over…”
Salma panted and then told her “I’m still standing… so I win… this time…”
“You… you’re gonna be… eating your lunch… off the streets of Philadelphia…” then Penelope started laughing hysterically! Salma staggered and then started laughing as she went to help Penelope who told her “No… I need to get some sleep, plus I… been looking at that…” she pointed straight up as she started laughing again “fuckin' ceiling fan, I get up now… I’ll fuckin' throw up all over you!”
“ILL!”
“So… now what…” Penelope asked…
Salma thought for a minute as everyone got resettled… then Salma said “Let’s go… bust up… some Kill Bill bitches…” The bar erupted in SALUTES!!!!
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