FINDING J.LO


Tia Carrere versus Jennifer Aniston
It has been several days since Halle Berry's crushing defeat at the hands of Alicia Silverstone^ and Jennifer Lopez's humiliating loss to Jenny McCarthy.* All of them were depressed at their inability to handle the ABA. Although no one would say it, the Fab 4 was getting close to its ultimate defeat. The entire group were doubting even if they were even capable of defeating the ABA. Worst yet, Jennifer Lopez has been missing since she disappeared down the hall during Halle & Alicia's match.

Everyone was distraught about the whereabouts of their friend. The women frantically searched everywhere and called every phone number they knew to find Jenny, as they called her, but no one had seen her. They were really scared that she had been kidnapped by the ABA or Generation PRIME or maybe even worst. In her fragile mental and emotional mindset, she would be forever crushed. Everyone knew she was about to crack, and her enemies have the opportunity to eliminate her from the league once and for all.

Tia Carrere, Halle Berry and Pam Anderson sat in Stone Rage's office again discussing Jennifer. "We've got to find her" Tia said with her voice cracking, and nearly in tears. In fact, everyone in the room frowns, like they all were fighting away tears.

"I know... I know. I love Jennifer as much as you do. You know what all is going on. When Jennifer disapeared the ABA felt it was time to strike. Their lawyers have filed lawsuits to have me removed from the commisioner's office, and to sell controlling ownership in the league." Stone Rage explained. "Thing look bad ladies... very, very bad. Matches have been suspended until after the court proceedings. No telling how long that could take. " Rage continued. "We've got to do something. You ladies have got to find Jennifer, and we'll let my legal team do their job." He paused for a long time, and said, "I'll start looking for a replacement for Jennifer... but do what ever you can to bring my baby home safe and sound."

"Replace Jennifer!!?!" Halle exclaimed in shock. "NO! We're a team! If Jennifer's gone, we'll just be the Terrific Three, or something."

"Sorry Halle." Rage said, "The ABA already outnumbers you. It would be suicide for only three of you to take them on." Rage says. "Beyonce Knowles, Tyra Banks and Angelina Jolie are all dying to join you."

"I'd rather have J. Lo" Pam says softly.

Rage continues "The marketing guys say it should be another latina." Rage looks at his group and asks, "How do you feel about Eva Mendez or Vida Guerra, or Salma Hayek?" He gets no responce. "But it will probally be Thalia", he says with a hint of regret. "We're gonna need her husband, Tommy Mottola's power and money in order to keep the league... Even if we find Jennifer."

There was silence in the room. Everybody realized the dispair in the situation. Tia stood and said forcefully, "I'm going to find Jennifer." She glares at Rage saying, "You just find a way to handle the legal problems. I'm not going to lose a friend, and I'm not going to lose to the ABA at least while I'm still standing." Tia heads for the door, "I'm FINDING J.LO!" she finishes as she storms out of the room.

There was silence in the room after Tia exited. Each person quietly reflected on Tia's strength and determination not to give up. Suddenly the silence was broken as Pam erupted in laughter. "Finding J.Lo.... its just like that movie I was watching with my kids, Finding Nemo. We just got to do like that fish says, Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming... Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...," Pam sang. Rage and Halle looked at each other and burst out laughing along with their blonde friend.

Later that night, Jennifer Aniston sits in her dressing room backstage of the David Letterman Late Show. She was sipping a Diet Pepsi from a straw, and reviewing the questions Letterman was going to ask her. There were many about her involvement in the ABA and her Hardcore Championship. She looked over at her sparking belt with pride. Suddenly someone kicked open the dressing room door.

Jennifer spun around to see Tia Carrere standing there yelling, "WHERE'S J. LO!"

"She's your friend... How should I know" Jennifer said with a confident smirk.

"Don't bullshit me.. She's missing and I think you and the ABA can help me find her. Are you goning to tell me what I need to know, or do I have to beat some information out of you?"

Jennifer responds, "I know nothing, and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you anything!"

"Wrong answer bitch!" Tia says as she charges and sends Jennifer rocketing back against the wall with a right hand punch. Jennifer bounces of the wall and stumbles forward into a left cross from Tia. Jennifer crashes back againt the wall then sinks to the floor. "I want to know what the ABA knows about Jennifer's disapearance, and you're going to tell me." Tia demands and unleashes a kick to Jennifer's face. "Hardcore Champion?" Tia asks while sending another kick, this one landing in Jennifer's tit. "How did a creampuff like you win the Hardcore championship?" Tia asks while continuing to add kicks, "Oh yeah... Christina had too help your wimpy butt."

Tia is furious. More furious than Jennifer could imagine. If Jennifer did not so something quick, surely Tia would send her to the hospital tonight, or worst. Jennifer springs to her feet and fires a punch in Tia's direction. Tia skillfully side steps the punch. Jennifer throws another punch, another, another then another. All fail to land. Jennifer thought she was fighting Steven Seagal, the way Tia nonchalantly slipped each and every attempt. Then when she did return with a Seagalest martial arts thrust right between Jennifer's breast that took her breast away, Jennifer was sure Seagal's spirit must have somehow invaded Tia's body. Tia landed a spinning kick, that landed across Jennifer's chin and sent her stumbling around the dressing room. Jennifer is dazed and looking for an opportunity to counter attack. Beore she can clear her cobwebs, Tia grabs her again and sends her reeling with a wicked backhand slap. Jennifer was feeling like a pinball caught in a pinball machine, bouncing off wall after wall in the small dressing room. Her mind came to one concluslion to her delimah: Run!

Jennifer darted for the door. As she came close to the open portal, Tia fired another side kick into the actress's back. Jennifer was propelled through the door and crashed face first into the wall in the hallway. Jennifer slid down the wall and landed in a heap. Tia casually walked out the room and looked down on her victim. Jennifer was obviously not about to rise. Tia reaches down and unzips the zipper of Jennifer's black mini-dress. She easily pulls garment over Jennifer's head and off her body. "Hmpt" Tia says, "I knew the boney slut wouldn't be wearing a bra."

Jennifer starts to stir after the rough handling of having her dress removed. Tia clutches her victim by her throat and pulls the moaning woman to her feet. Tia presses Jennifer against the wall than traps her, by pressing her own body against her. "Are you going to tell me what I want to know?" Tia says through gritted teeth.

"I I I... I know nothing" a stuggling Jennifer barely gets out.

"LIAR" Tia screams as she fires a short punch into Jennifer's ribs. "Are you going to tell me, or do I have to bust every rib in your skinny little body?" Tia mutters as she fires another powerful punishing blow into Jennifer's rib. Jennifer howls in anguish.

"I'm not lying!" Jennifer franticlly responds. "If the ABA knew where J.Lo was, we'd have taken her out, and you and the whole world would know it by now."

To little surprise, Letterman's stage manager and chief aid, Biff Henderson comes running up the hall. "Tia please... please don't." The out of breath man pleads as he comes running up to the pair.

Tia quickly recognizes Biff from her numerous visits on the show. She quickly turns from the cruel interogator who has been tormenting Jennifer to her normal curteous personality. "Oh hey Biff she exclaims!"

"Tia I know you and Jennifer have some uhhh issues to settle, but shes due on stage in 10 minutes" Biff pleads. He continues, but is interupted by Tia.

"Oh don' t worry Biff, I got you coverd!" Tia says "I'll personally make sure she is out there." Tia grabs Jennifer's panties and gives them three or four hard jerks until the seams on the sides rip and the panties come off in Tia's hands. She smiles at Biff and say, "And I gurrantee, it'll be 'Must see TV'" Tia says with a huge smile. She finally she draws back her fist and drives a tremdous punch directly into Jennifer's stomach. Jennifer grunts loudly and slumps forward onto Tia like a deflated balloon. Tia dips her knees and lifts the deflated starlet over her shoulder, and smiles at Biff onlast time as she carries the sexy starlet back into the dressing room.

After a couple minutes, Jennifer has regained some of her mental faculties. She tries to move but quickly realizes her arms are taped together behind her back. She forces her eyes to focus, and her nightmare is confirmed. Tia Carrere is still standing in front of her with an evil grin. "I'm glad you're awake princess, for a second I thought I was going to have to drag your skrawny ass out there to David unconcious."

Jennifer's mind started to analyize the position she was in. First, she figured she was nude, except for three strips of tape placed over each nipple. Her right nipple had a 'F' while her left nipple had a '4' design. She had been pretty ruffed up by Tia so far, and has not even landed one good punch on her rival. Her stomach and ribs were aching, and she could think of a thousand places she would rather be than there with Tia.

"Now we have four minutes before you go on stage." Tia purred "You have two options. One, we go out there and I beat the shit outta you until you tell me what I want to know. You're already buck naked, how do you think an orgasm live on network TV will help your career?"

"Or option two" Tia continued, "You tell me what I want right now, and save yourself from being humiliated live on national TV" Tia leans in close "There's no other ABA bitches to come to your rescue this time." "NOW TALK!" Tia screams and slaps Jennifer across her face.

Jennifer was in a no win scenario. Keep quiet, and have Tia destroy her now. Or talk and face the wrath of the rest of the ABA later. Jennifer broke. "Okay I'll talk." Jennifer wimpered. Surely the others in the ABA will understand her perdicument.

"Where's J'LO, bitch" Tia hissed.

"I told you, I don't know." Jennifer confessed. "We have been looking for her to finish her off, but our spies and detectives haven't been able to find her."

"Not good enough, bitch!" Tia says angrily. "Tell me something useful, or I'm going to take you onstage and fuck you up the ass with a dildo, just like Jenny did to J.Lo. How would you like that?" Tia slowly and deliberately said, "And trust me, I know Jenny thinks she's evil and cruel, but she's got nothing on me!"

"Okay okay" Jennifer pleads. "I know who can help you... Mariah... Mariah Carey!" "Mariah hates J.Lo. She has J.Lo under survaillance at all times. There's no way she could disapear without Mariah knowing where she is."

Tia paused for a second, considering the validity of Jennifer's confession. It could possibly be true, but she was not going let Jennifer off the hook with a 'maybe'. "Still not good enough." Tia says as she backs away from Jennifer. "You are lucky about one thing. I did not bring a dildo, but luckily you have a Pepsi bottle." Tia purrs, "I guess I'll just have to shove this up your ass out there in front of Letterman!"

Jennifer knew that after what Jenny McCarthy did to J.Lo, that Tia would not hesitate, actually she would extremely enjoy torturing her with that Diet Pepsi bottle on live TV. "Generation PRIME" she said softly. "Generation PRIME knows where J.Lo is." Jennifer looked down at the floor, ashamed of her betrayal and weakness. "They used that Voo Doo doll to track her supernaturally."

"Voo Doo doll... what kind of fairy tale is this?" Tia asks.

"No bull shit." Jennifer continues. "LaToya Jackson got a Voo Doo Doll after J.Lo beat up Christina, and they have been using it to help J.Lo.. 'lose', and to destroy her confidence. Break the curse, and J. Lo will return to normal. They call it the Curse of Aguilera"

Tia CarrereTia frowned in disbelief, but she knew of curses and idols growing up as a girl on the island of Oahu. As unlikely as it sounds, it could have very well been the truth. It could explain, J.Lo's unexplicable run of 'bad luck', and her sudden loss of confidence. Certainly by the way Jennifer admitted the story she thinks she's telling the truth. The moment was again broken by Biff Henderson yelling from ouy in the hall, "Tia we really need Jennifer on the set right now."

"Come on lets go" Tia says.

"You can't take me out there like this" whines Jennifer.

"You're right" Tia responds. She takes the hardcore title belt, and snaps it losely around Jennifer's waist, allowing it to sag low enough to cover the hairy patch between Jennifer's legs. "If I let you go onstage indecent, even on late night TV, they'd black ball me from the network." Tia grabs Jennifer by the arm and start to drag her out the dressing room and down the hall towards the set, saying "Come on... Let's go! Hurry up!"

Jennifer realizes that in part, she has been duped by Tia. Tia never intended on using the Pepsi bottle on TV. As they reached the stage, Tia pulls a pair of scissors out of her pocket, and cuts the tape that bound Jennfer's hands together. She drags Jennifer onto the stage and leaves her standing in front of the guest sofa. She smiles at at David and waves saying, "Hey David" before walking back into the stage wings.

David's mouth drops open. The audience starts clapping, but suddenly stops and there silence as Jennifer stands in front of the guest sofa. She's alomst completely nude, exect for the taped 'F' and '4' covering her nipples, and the Hardcore Championship belt covering her pussy. Jennifer stands at the sofa, frozen in embaressment. David is in shock, not a saying anything. The audience really does not know what to make of the situation is quiet. The awkward moment is finally broken when some guy in the front yells, "Daaammmnnnn! She looks good!" The audience and David erupts in laghter and claps again, as Jennifer nerviously grinns and takes a quick bow, as if the whole thing was scripted.

Oddly enough the interview was going well for Jennifer from that point to her relief and surprise. Being the social butterfly she was, she rebound marvelously. David was a trooper too. He conducted the interview as if his guest was fully clothed, and made her as comfortable as possible.

As soon as she got back to her dressing room she was relived that to find Tia had left the building. When her cell phone rang, she figured it was Brad Pitt inquiring about her wardrobe choice. Who else could it be, after all it is 3:00AM in the morning. "Hey Jen, its Christina!" Jennifer froze, she knew Christina Applegate's wrath was nothing to scoff at. "Me and Jenny just caught the show, Interesting choice of outfits... What's up with Tia dragging you on stage, and the 'F' & '4' on your tits?" Christina continues.

"You can imagine, Tia jumped me before the show." Jennifer explaines "Don't worry the Fab Four is looking for information on where's Jennifer." "She ruffed me up pretty bad, and embaressed me, but I told her nothing about the ABA."

"Good" Christina siad as she breathed a sigh of relief.

"I sent her after Generation PRIME by telling her about the Curse of Aguilera they keep bragging about." Jennifer admited.

"You Fucking Idiot!" Jenny exclaimed. "Generation PRIME are the only friends we have. What if they get pissed and team with another group against us? You've threaten everything." Jenny finishes.

"But... but.... but...." Jennifer tries to explain.

"But my ass!" Christina interups. "The only way out, and I'm only extending this because I like you. If you ever... ever.... ever... show up around the ABA again, we'll kick your ass royally." Christina threatens. "Hopefully Janet Jckson and Christina will forgive us if we kick you out of the group. Your other option is to be released from the ABA the same way Alyssa Milano was. Either way, your services are no longer needed in the ABA. GOODBYE." - CLICK!



^ Alicia smothers Halle
* Jenny Mac vs Jenny from the Block

BACK TO THE CELEBRITIES
TO FINDING J.LO Part 2
TO TIA CARRERE
TO JENNIFER ANISTON
Mr. Skin


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